I've bitten my lip for too long - please, I need your opinion asap...(Sorry v.long)

[brightongirldownunder]

Some of you know me in RL on here, so I hope what I'm going to say isn't going to shock you....
DH and I have been married for 11 years, together 14.
Last year I moved from the UK to Australia because DH wanted a change in life. His career had been flagging in the UK for some time and he applied for a talent visa (which he got and I was very proud of him), giving us permanent residency in Australia.
I left my incredibly close,loving family, friends and a great life in Brighton to move to Sydney. Don't get me wrong, this is an amazing place, but only if you are in a very solid relationship. As soon as you lose that support network of family anf friends that you once relied upon, you need to find that in your partner. This is where the problem lies...
He is starting from scratch - leaving us with very little money, eating into every form of savings we both have and we live in possibly one of the most expensive cities in the world.I flew over on my own with DD (the aged 10 1/2 months) not knowing what to expect-stupid and naive of me but I had only just started to recover from PND. Since then I have worked my guts out making friends, finding groups for DD to go to, scraping just about enough of my own savings to pay for childcare soa that I can get my career going again, and finally getting a great contract with a publisher. But all the way through I've been criticised. We've had to move 3 times in just over a year and now that the finances are looking bleak, it looks like we may be on the move again.
Also DH shows very little interest in me. we've only had sex twice in 2 i/2 years. I have an amazing DD but I need the attention of a husband - both physically and emotionally. I can't stay here just so that she has a mum and dad. I feel so lonely at night - thats the worst time.
I am flying back in 2 weeks to see family and friends and part of me is questioning whether I should be on that return flight as I've had enough. I really need some advice.

After too many glasses of wine I feel like a spring chick again, but this will fade tomorrow when I've got an obscene headache. But hey, anything to cheer me up.

I stood up to him today without bursting into tears which is a first for me and I think I shocked him. he knows he can't make me feel guilty as I've done EVERYTHING I promised both him and myself.

Apparently he feels like a failure, but you know what I don't feel sorry for him any more. I've spent too long putting his issues infront of mine.

Lulu Yes I'm fed up with being told I"owe" him for the time I've had off - it was 10 years ago FFS.

I have to come back here to finish the book that I'm working on - its with a Sydney publisher and I really want to impress them enough to get a series of follow ups. I suppose all I can do is feel as empowered as possible and fight back whenever he tells me to go home (whch is regularly). Does a father really think its that easy to say goodbye to his child? Obviously he doesn't give much of a crap about me but DD????

he seems to have compartmentalised everything and put DD in a box with you

have you laid it on the line? basically said, 'this is over, let's talk about access to DD'

does he realise how serious this is?

I don't think he realises how serious I'm being. As you say - its probably because he's stoned.
You know the maddening thing is that he's so bloody talented and could easily be really successful over here if he got his act together, but surely that not my job - is it?

BG - no it isn't your job - you can only do so much for someone, then they have to get off their arse and get on with it. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel not having ever been in your position, let alone thousands of miles from home, but if dp was so immature to just say 'go home' I think I would!

it is part of the role as a wife and life partner to be supportive and nurturing BUT it cuts both ways

he is treating you as an accesory, and as someone he has had to carry and that you have been a drain

which if he was not mashed all the time, he would see was totally wrong.

you can;t fix this alone

he has told you to go home, he feels he has bankrolled you, he thinks DD is yours alone

this is not a working marriage

you did the ultimate supportive act and moved across the world

and now he has told you to go home

the writing is on the wall i think

It's horrendous that he tells you to go home regularly.

And the whole 'i feel like a failure' thing, well perhaps I am being cynical but it seems like a last ditch attempt from him to make you feel sorry enough for him to keep your own unhappiness at bay for a while.

What about how unhappy you have felt? Is he not accepting some responsibiluty for the way he has made you feel?

Well done for being strong btw. It is horribl to try and have a reasoned discussion with someone when you start crying and tie yourself up in knots.

Or, rather than that garbled nonsense which I have just posted, what Lulumama says.

I really don't see how much more you could give to your relationship.

You know after reading some of the other Relationships threads I realise that at least I don't have a cheating or abusive husband. Just a useless one that I may/may not decide to leave for a better life. I don't wnat to harp on and make everyone feel sorry for me. This may be the beginninng of a new me (of course I am saying this with wine tinted glassses on so totally deluded)

You're not harping on! OK so he is not physically abusive, however his behaviour has helped you feel ground down to such a level that you feel old and past it at the age of 37. Your concerns about your relationship are as valid as anyone else's. Plus you're bloody miles away so that must add to your isolation.

I am glad however that yoi feel that you can start to think of a new life/new beginnings for yourself.

BG: there are worse things than a husband who is not monogamous. You know this, because you are living with one who is lazy, selfish and utterly uninterested in you. It's possible to salvage a relationship with someone who is not monogamous if you are able to simply accept that monogamy is not a feature of this relationship and set mutually acceptable ground rules (because people who are not monogamous are often lovely people in every other way, kind, good company and fond of all their partners).
IN the case of a man who thinks that you are basically an irrelevant piece of furniture, there is no hope he will change. He thinks that he is more important than you or any woman.
It;s a good idea to use your break in the UK to decide what to do ie whether to separate from him and rebuild a life in Oz or separate from him and live in the UK - but if you prefer the latter option you may face legal problems re access to DD, so consult a solicitor.
Best of luck.

Thanks GetOrf. This site has been a godsend to me. So few people know whats going on - infact most family and friends think its all going well over here - I've been too afraid to tell them the truth.
I just hope I haven't scared off the MN friends I have on here that I've met up with in RL...feel like I've lied to them too

Thanks SGB.

Aww, brightongirl, I'm sure MNers who know you in real life will want to support you.

Don't feel that you've lied - no-one knows the real truth of other people's lives.

Maybe I'll go back to Brighton, glam myself, up slip on my new Spanx pants and see if the old girl's still got her mojo workin'.

Bloody hell, did I write that?
Definitely the wine talking

and you couldn't be coming back to a better place,

Brighton's very lovely still, especially in summer...

Come back for a break, have some fun, feel your own edges again and see how you feel then

nothing like remembering old self for finding a bit of clarity

just because X has a husband who cheats, or Y has a husband who slaps her, awful as those situations are , it does not mean you are not allowed to be pissed off with your husband

he is being cruel and nasty

he is abusing drugs, whihc might sound OTT as it is 'just' dope.. but i think a lot of his problems and the marriage problems are being excacerbated by him being fuzzy headed, not motivated, no sex drive and being down and low

these things might be being caused by the pot, or are being excacerbated by it

either way, he is showing no inclination to stop and therefore you and DD are and will continue to suffer

I love Brighton.
Born and bred there - so it'll make it even harder to leave again.

In this situation I think moving back to the UK is sounding the best option. Although you do have to look at the legal issues of taking dd first.

Does your dh say he wants to stay in Aus even though he is finding it hard?

I think if when you come back you feel a huge weight lift from your shoulders, you may know more certainly what you want.

(btw I am the opposite to you with many Aus friends married to British men, it is hard without the family and old friend support - a strong husband who fills that role is vital).

Lulu I know.
How do I stop him though?
I don't want it anywhere near DD. I smoked it when I was a student but wouldn't go anywhere near it now as it always turned me into a prize twat.
DD picked up one of his cigarettes the other day and put it in her mouth, replicating him. I asked him what he'd do if she did that with a joint - he couldn't answer.Should I suggest he goes in to rehab? He's an addict, isn't he?

Marsha DH loves Aus and doesn't ever want to go back to the Uk. He has a terrible relationship with his family and hardly calls them.
I think if I had a loving and understanding partner, I would try my hardest to make it work here. Its an amazing place to live.

It is, but somehow the bright sunshine and beautiful beaches can make one feel more lonely if other things are crap. My brother struggled for nearly 2 years in Sydney before he was happy because he felt lonely.

although I suspect I am a little jaded with Aus, and prefer London. A home is where you feel loved after all, (soppy emotion).

brightongirl I really feel for you

I am in a similar situation but thankfully not 1,000s of miles from home - just a short flight away which still feels too far at times

my dh drinks too much, in a capable, well-functioning sort of way which manages to get under all the radars

it means our sex life is fairly non-existent, I have gone from being a passionate person with a fairly high sex drive to never ever initiating it anymore (due to frequent rebuffs) and for the first time a few weeks ago when he reached for me in bed I pretended I was asleep. I just couldn't be bothered. It's so bloody boring with him anyhow as he isn't really bothered.

So i know just how you feel about the wanting/needing some intimacy. Your post saying that he was outside smoking a joint rather than being in bed with you rang so many bells for me. The number of nights I have felt like that as he nursed yet another glass of wine. Now I don't think about it anymore, I don't think I really care anymore. This makes me sadder than anything that went before.

I don't have much advice for you, just to let you know you aren't alone. In your position I think I'd get back to Uk and make a go of it alone. Your DD is still young enough not to be too bloodied by a break. And you are young enough too. I'm 40 and my eldest is 7. TBH I may make the break myself this year, and if I do am pretty sure I'll wish I'd done it years ago when DD1 might have taken it more in her stride. I wasn't confident enought then, was too scared of the future.

FWIW I spoke to a woman recently who is coming up to her 60s. She has been in a similar situation over the years and not left, she said ruefully that she simply hadn't had the courage when she needed it. SHe did say that when she and her DH were good they were v v good but when they were bad they were awful. I think that might be worth hanging around for but if the good bits are mediocre at best what are we still here for???

sorry, just my musings

good luck with your decision

i doubt he'd go to rehab as i doubt he sees he has a problem. he has to go for himself

you and DD leaving might well tip him over into rock bottom, he will have a moment of clarity and seek help for his addiction and repair himself

or he won't

you need to start thinking about you and DD and your futures, he might well only be on the periphery.

until you come back to england , you need to lay it on the line every day, that this is make or break

As ever Lulumama speaks wise words.

The dope may be a red herring though...personally it sounds like he is an utter arse, smoking dope is not an excuse or a reason for that. It may exacerbate his twattishness but i reckon that the basic disrespect and disregard for you that he shows would happen irrespective of his smoking.

The fact he leaves normal cigarettes around even for your DD to pick up shows a level of disregard for her that i would also find unacceptable!!

Hopefully your visit back to the UK will be enjoyable and the valuable breathing space it gives you will make you appreciate that it is better to be alone (though unlikely you would stay this way as think your mojo will reappear) than with someone who drains you of the lifes pleasure!

Anyway waffle waffle but basically he's an arse (with or without the dope) and you sound too lovely and dynamic to let him make you miserable for any longer!