I've bitten my lip for too long - please, I need your opinion asap...(Sorry v.long)

[brightongirldownunder]

Some of you know me in RL on here, so I hope what I'm going to say isn't going to shock you....
DH and I have been married for 11 years, together 14.
Last year I moved from the UK to Australia because DH wanted a change in life. His career had been flagging in the UK for some time and he applied for a talent visa (which he got and I was very proud of him), giving us permanent residency in Australia.
I left my incredibly close,loving family, friends and a great life in Brighton to move to Sydney. Don't get me wrong, this is an amazing place, but only if you are in a very solid relationship. As soon as you lose that support network of family anf friends that you once relied upon, you need to find that in your partner. This is where the problem lies...
He is starting from scratch - leaving us with very little money, eating into every form of savings we both have and we live in possibly one of the most expensive cities in the world.I flew over on my own with DD (the aged 10 1/2 months) not knowing what to expect-stupid and naive of me but I had only just started to recover from PND. Since then I have worked my guts out making friends, finding groups for DD to go to, scraping just about enough of my own savings to pay for childcare soa that I can get my career going again, and finally getting a great contract with a publisher. But all the way through I've been criticised. We've had to move 3 times in just over a year and now that the finances are looking bleak, it looks like we may be on the move again.
Also DH shows very little interest in me. we've only had sex twice in 2 i/2 years. I have an amazing DD but I need the attention of a husband - both physically and emotionally. I can't stay here just so that she has a mum and dad. I feel so lonely at night - thats the worst time.
I am flying back in 2 weeks to see family and friends and part of me is questioning whether I should be on that return flight as I've had enough. I really need some advice.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

But you can't really have an affair with someone who lives 1000s of miles away and are you don't sound the sort of girl to sleep with someone just to conceive. If you want another baby and/or out of your marriage then that is what you need to do.

A marriage can survive without sex if you are both happy with that.

[brightongirldownunder]

I know FabBaker - I think this shows how bloody screwed up my life is.
I want to have sex. I don't want to live without it.

[Lulumama]

oh sweetheart . so sad

might be an idea to set it all out to him and tell him the trip is make or break

some time apart to give you both time to think

i would think his reduced earning capacity and non existent sex drive are to do with his dope habit , he might well be depressed, or certainl too mashed to do anything

it is all very well you wanting him to change , but he has to make an effort

at the moment, you have little making you want to stay and make a go of it.

marriages take two people, and sounds like he is happy to lie back and let it all wash over him and rest on you

[Tanee58]

I am so sorry for you. Your H sounds as if he has totally opted out of your partnership. I don't believe a marriage can work without sex (mine didn't) unless you BOTH want it (George Melly's did -he and his wife had separate rooms for 40 years!).

But I think there are two issues here:

1 - do you stay with your H. On the basis of what you have told us, one's gut reaction is to say dump him as he doesn't seem to be making you happy or fulfilled and life's too short to live in an empty partnership. But he does get on well with DD and it would be sad for both of them if she and he lived 1000s of miles apart.

So the second issue is, IF you leave him, do you come back to the UK or stay in Oz and make a new life for yourself and DD apart from your H.

Having a break with your family sounds excellent - it will give you a chance to ponder these options. If you have built a new circle of friends and are getting your career on track again, it may well be worth your while to stay in Oz but not with your H.

And you're ONLY 37 - wow, wish I were 37 again. There must be LOADS of lovely men out there for you - some lovely Ozzies, perhaps !

[sandcastles]

Hey BG, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Being 1000's of miles away from family is very hard, I know!

Dh & I have been going through some crap recently, the last year since dd2 birth has been our worse yet & after thinking it as all behind us, Friday I had a huge wake up call. Needless to say that dh is on his last chance, without going into details, except to say he hasn't cheated! That is his only saving grace atm!

But in that year I have felt unloved, unwanted, unneeded. He told me on a few occasions that he never wanted dd2. That he doesn't like her etc (all of which is not true, just said to hurt me as he very well knew it would) I have had little attention, from cuddles or sex. I gave him an opportunity to redeem himself 3 months ago & it just got worse! Friday it all blew up! He was very apolgetic & has been doing his level best to turn things around for us, as am I. But it is hard.

The point to this is, that my life would be very different if I didn't have ILs here who treat me like their own daughter! They know nothing of our issues, but they are always on hand if I need them. They offer stability when things are hard. My friends have been great (they know some of the issues) & I have a wondeful friend in the UK that I talk to almost daily on MSN who is aware of the problems.

All his issues centre around his not wanting to be here anymore (even tho is was he who brought us all here) and me wanting to stay. He seems to have come to terms with the fact that we are staying now.

Please be careful about making life altering choices when you are in the UK. You will be in a very different situation with friends & family & I guess it would be easy to get caught up in the excitment, etc. Just try to remember that you are holiday, seeing people you haven't seen for some time, and that life wouldn't always be like that little holiday, it has to return to normal sometime. Does that make sense?

Saying that, I wish you all the best & hope that you are able to make a choice that makes you happy!

[oliviasmama]

Come home, you sound really unhappy. Come home with your DD and be happy surrounded by family and friends. Life really is too short.

[SoNotExpectant]

BG am also serveral thousands of miles from the UK and it is very difficult when you feel that you have made all the sacrifices (career, family, friends etc) to follow your DP to the other side of the world. I feel like I'm only finally finding my feet here after 2.5 uears and that's mainly since the arrival of DS 11 months ago.

I would however ditto sandcastles comments on your UK break as the reality of living back in the UK may be quite different from your holiday.

Would also agree with the others that if you do decide to split that you need to get some legal advice not only about your dd but also about the finances as it seems your inheritance has contributed quite a lot already.

If you think you are even likely to be tempted into an affair then it seems that your relationship is at breaking point. Your OP says you've 'bitten your lip too long' it definitely seems the time to speak up before it's definitely too late or maybe you could write everything down in a letter to him but personally I would do this before you go back to the UK not whilst you are there. I wish you luck whatever you decide to do and whatever the outcome but hoping you'll let us know.

[brightongirldownunder]

Thanks for all of your messages. Think the only thing I can do is go home and see how I feel.
Lulu I agree that I think smoking dope is probably one of the reasons behind why he is how he is. Problem is he works in the music industry where people either smoke that or snort coke (or worse). He's also gone from being very successful to starting from scratch - I've watched his decline and suppose I feel sorry for him.
There are so many things that really piss me off about him now though that I really don't know what I'd do if another man showed me some attention.
I just wish I wasn't living so far away from everyone - think the decision would be simpler then as I'd probably move back to Brighton with DD. But how can I separate her from her dad? She loves him so much and vice versa.
I'm so much tougher now but I don't think its for the right reasons. I feel like we've gone through hell and back in the last year. Most people celebrate moving to Sydney.

[ClaudiaSchiffer]

You poor girl, what a bloody awful time you've had.

I too am 1000s of miles from home and it has been REALLY hard at times. Particularly when dh is acting like a t*t and I have no where to go to escape. Fortunately for me our relationship is ok most of the time but I know when it's not the first thing I want to do is run to the airport with the kids tucked under my arms and fly back home.

You sound utterly miserable, can you and your dh have a talk before you leave so he knows what he is risking here. Then you fly off to the bosom of your loving family for 2 weeks of loveliness. You'd both have a chance to really think things over and see if you actually miss each other or not.

I agree with the other posters that your dh does seem to have really rather let you down badly during this move. It seems that he has taken no responsibility for your or your daughters well being.

Has he changed since your move to Sydney - after all it must be very difficult for a 46 yr old muso to start again from scratch.

[ClaudiaSchiffer]

37 isn't too late to start again

You're a mere slip of a thing x

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Feel very sorry for you - sounds as if the fact that your DP doesn't want to be intimate with you has ground you confidence down to such a level that you would be scared of starting again at 37.

I don't think that someone like this can change. He probab;y won't change his tune over the intimacy issue, and also probably will not change his mind about having another baby. What you don't want to do is stay with him believing that soon things will start to get better, then before you know it your dd will have started school, you won't wnt to upheave her and anotehr 10 years would have gone by.

That horrible comment from him about your grandmother's money shows how utterly selfish he is.

I hope that your holiday in the UK will be the break you need, and hopefully you can have a chat with family and friends and come to a workable decision.

[brightongirldownunder]

Thanks Claudia and GetOrf, think this last year has aged me though - feel at least 10 years older.
You're right about him probably not changing. He led me on for a while saying how DD would probably be lonely here without family and friends from home and so we could possibly have another child. He's seems to have changed his mind again.I've had it out with him so many times to no avail. Its like he's in total denial of the situation.
I can't imagine he'd want to see a councillor. I think he knows I've been well and truly hung out to dry over the past year and probably doesn't want to be made to be the bad guy.
I just give up. I'm beginning to hate myself for following this through. Maybe I should have broken up with him before we decided to move over here. At least then I would have had some money.
Shit, shit, shit.....

[mumblechum]

Nothing much to add but agree you need to let him know just before you go away how lousy you're feeling. It may make him have a hard think about what he needs to do to keep you if that's what he wants.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Oh please don't blame yourself. You very much wanted to make your relationship work - so you moved to the other side of the world in support of your DP. That is a commendable thing.

However you have sacrificed your own happiness, security and money in order to do that, and you have been given far too little support from DP. And you cannot imagine that changing.

I don't know - perhaps if you have counselling on your own to work out how you really feel about things, it may also give you the extra strength you need to make a decision.

FWIW that whole 'leading on' thing. My DP has done the same, very much wanted a baby a couple of years ago, he emphatically didn't. So, I just knuckled down and got on with it, thinking 'that's it, then'. Then 6 months ago he changed his mind, talked about having a baby, started saying he felt broody. At first I was resistant, but then felt very excited at the thought of having a baby, which deep down I always wanted. However a few months ago, when I started conversations about when were going to start trying, he clammed up and said he had changed his mind, and he never wanted a baby. It was devastating actually, now I feel I can't trust him in anything he says. Deep down I also think that he did it on purpose, the build me up to knock me down. Oh I don't know.

I do feel for you very much, stuck on the other side of the world. I bet you can't wait for your visit to the UK

Please don't blame yourself for how things are, you clearly have given 100% to this relationship.

[brightongirldownunder]

I wish none of this had happened. He's just rolled up a joint and will sit outside in the dark, rather than spend it with me in bed.
He's obviously under pressure and if he wasn't doing this he'd probably be drinking (like my dad who always caves in to a bottle or two of wine when times get tough). But it leaves me wondering what the hell I'm doing here.
He keeps saying he'll quit smoking altogether but I suppose this is bullshit.
I suppose I'll just have to sort this out myself - something I'm getting pretty darn used to.
I can't afford to live here on my own with DD.
Wish I'd never married the tosser....
Sorry, having a bad night.

[ClaudiaSchiffer]

How are you this morning Brightongirl?

Feeling any brighter? When are you off to the UK?

Before you leave would it be useful to write a 10 point plan for you and dh of some kind ie

1. DH gives up (or radically cuts down) dope smoking.

1. You give him 6 months to start earning some money to support you all or you're off . . .

1. You both work to sort out the intimacy ishoos etc etc

Make it really clear to him what you need and what you are prepared to offer as a compromise. Then leave for the UK in a cloud of strength and confidence and see what he does with it all.

If he could/would change, do you want him to?

[brightongirldownunder]

Oh you know - still here!
Re: your points:-
1.DH promised to quit before DD was born. She's 2 now - so I've given up asking.
2.I've been told by him that I have no right to push him financially after he "financed" me for a number of years. Thing is I'd had a major car accident then and wasn't capable of doing anything....

1. RE: intimacy, he's never really been that into sex. He's not very physical, has never asked for it. Previous partners have been very different and I'm beginning to realise what I've been deprived of for so long.

Anyway, after reading through everyone's opinions, I've decided that the 6 weeks I'm away will be a turning point. I will make my decisions and stick by them. I'll probably come back to sort everything out, see friends, keep working until I've set a date by which everything has to change.
I will go and see a councillor on my own and I'm going to put a block on any more money out of my savings.
Time to act tough i suppose.

[ClaudiaSchiffer]

Good girl, it sounds like you have got some steely resolve.

It does sound like he does very little for you and dd.

[brightongirldownunder]

Just had another argument with him where he told me to "go home". Can anyone else imagine their partner saying that to them?
I can barely look at him I'm so fucking angry..

[mrsruffallo]

Gosh Brighton Girl, you have been so strong living with all of this.
It sounds like you have given so much to this relationship with little in return. He obviously has little respect for you and doesn't appreciate all the hard work you've put in over there.
Why is he so resentful of you?
Doesn't he care about the sacrifices you have made? It is very hard to leave your family when you have had a child and go to the other side of the world, telling you to go home is out of order.

You are an intelligent,articulate and attractive woman who deserves to be cherished. Either he steps upo or you need to have a long think when you are over here.

[oliviasmama]

Do you think he really means it? I don't mean now, in the heat of the moment, it's obviously said for effect but do you think he's really pissed off too. Sounds to me as if he probably is. Why don't you try to talk about it before you come home, if you do decide the best way forward is for you to come home then you can start the ball rolling when you come on holiday.

It must be sould destroying for you, so sorry you have this shit and are so far away from home.

Try to imagine what your going to feel like if you do return after your holiday, at least now you have the happy prospect of your hol.

Keep posting

[MrsMcCluskey]

BG it sounds to me like you have given him every chance to change his ways
If I was you I would be spending your 6 weeks here getting things ready for your return
It sounds like you have pretty much made up your mind to come home
Your H sounds like a complete prat and at 46 he is not going to change his ways, sorry.
Good luck with whatever decision you take.
I am 37 too, it is definetly still young enough to start over thank you very much!!!

[LuluMaman]

"go home"

thikn that says it all

he is too mashed to form a coherent argument to save his marriage

he does not feel you are a partnership.. he fells he bankrolled you.

i did not work due to illness for a loooooon gtime and if DH had made it clear that i 'owed' him for that, i'd give him very short shrift

you can't fix this alone

[PartirMaTerre]

Oh dear BrightonGirl. The marked difference between the way you are approaching everything (i.e. desperately trying to make things work) and your DP (go home, then) say it all really.

If I were you I would find it so hard to go back after your time in England.

I do very much hope that you can get some support from your family in the UK.

And 37 aint too old. You're still a spring chicken!

[PartirMaTerre]

I am GetOrf btw (haven't changed my Bastille day name back yet)