I've bitten my lip for too long - please, I need your opinion asap...(Sorry v.long)

[brightongirldownunder]

Some of you know me in RL on here, so I hope what I'm going to say isn't going to shock you....
DH and I have been married for 11 years, together 14.
Last year I moved from the UK to Australia because DH wanted a change in life. His career had been flagging in the UK for some time and he applied for a talent visa (which he got and I was very proud of him), giving us permanent residency in Australia.
I left my incredibly close,loving family, friends and a great life in Brighton to move to Sydney. Don't get me wrong, this is an amazing place, but only if you are in a very solid relationship. As soon as you lose that support network of family anf friends that you once relied upon, you need to find that in your partner. This is where the problem lies...
He is starting from scratch - leaving us with very little money, eating into every form of savings we both have and we live in possibly one of the most expensive cities in the world.I flew over on my own with DD (the aged 10 1/2 months) not knowing what to expect-stupid and naive of me but I had only just started to recover from PND. Since then I have worked my guts out making friends, finding groups for DD to go to, scraping just about enough of my own savings to pay for childcare soa that I can get my career going again, and finally getting a great contract with a publisher. But all the way through I've been criticised. We've had to move 3 times in just over a year and now that the finances are looking bleak, it looks like we may be on the move again.
Also DH shows very little interest in me. we've only had sex twice in 2 i/2 years. I have an amazing DD but I need the attention of a husband - both physically and emotionally. I can't stay here just so that she has a mum and dad. I feel so lonely at night - thats the worst time.
I am flying back in 2 weeks to see family and friends and part of me is questioning whether I should be on that return flight as I've had enough. I really need some advice.

[Tortington]

getorf - yes we turned it around - but its not perfect - i have to live with some major shit that most people wouldn't - but then most of the time the guy is damn near brillant at the mo.

made any decisions brighton girl?

[brightongirldownunder]

You're so lovely ND! Can I just tell everyone that this woman is the funniest person I know. I'll get in touch and lets meet up for that drink next week.
Very up and down but looking forward...
I dreamt I had an affair last night, then woke up this morning and nearly apologised to DH, who promptly rolled over snored and farted.....so I tried to get back to sleep and reactivate the dream. Didn't work though...
Only 9 days to go.

[ninedragons]

Well, I say with authority that you are far too much of a babe not to be horizontal more than annually. Every heterosexual man I know would think that the most appalling, sinful waste.

I've sent you an email but if you read this first, give me a ring or an email and we'll go out before you leave.

FWIW, I actually think an affair might be a very good thing for you.

[helsbels4]

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship apart from a father for your dd? It seems as if you have made many sacrifices (I would have to really adore my dh to leave my family to move to the other side of the world because he fancied it) but what is your dh sacrificing? He can't even give up the dope for your dd's sake!

I can't imagine how difficult it will be for your dd to have to leave her daddy but you are important in this as well and it sounds as if your dh is destroying you

I think six weeks back in the uk and Brighton - I went there a couple of days ago! - will sort out in your head where your heart lies and things will seem clearer to you. Have a good time

[GetOrfMoiCockroachCluster]

Custardo - so you managed to turn things round with your DH? Your comment above: 'I got to a point in my marriage when living for the past wasn't good enough. when living for the hope of a future that i knew wouldn't come, wasn't enough to sustain me anymore' really, really strikes a chord with me. Because when me and DP met it was wonderful. I really cannot imagine though ever getting back to that point. I can't actually imagine ever having sex with him again, the 'us' which used to have a sexual relationship seem like completely different people.

I can't visualise ourselves being happy in the future, it is like we are speaking cimpletely different languages. But then I can't convince myself that it is bad enough to leave.

I don't know what to do. Flabbergasted at myself for coming on a thread like this and offering advice, jeez.

Brightongirl - all I can say is that I know how you feel and a truly sympathise.

[bobblehead]

Hi Brighton

I really feel for you. I moved to Canada for my H when we first married 7 years ago . Things were great to start with but now 2 kids and large mortgage in he is an alcoholic with probable girlfriend on the side (but hey a lovely guy when sober like they all are)
I'm lucky he earns a good salary but in a job that allows his drinking to continue. I have great friends but so miss the close support network at this time. I would have left him months ago but legally I can't take the children without his say.

Things have been looking up a bit recently as he finally sees he has a problem and wants to change, but its a long road ahead and I hate living this way.

Even if I could go the guilt of taking my children away from a daddy they love would cripple me. Its so hard to know what to do best.

Maybe you could try a trial separation in Oz just to see how you both feel?

Good luck with whatever you decide

[brightongirldownunder]

I know Custy, I know. You're totally right...
Its just so fricking hard actually DOING it.
We were in the supermarket the other day and DD ran over to DH, gave him a cuddle and said "I love you Daddy". I had to run off and cry. I know she's only 2 but its going to crush her losing her dad.
If she wasn't around I would have gone a long time ago. I just don't want to struggle any more. I've had years of this crap and just want some time to find myself again before I turn into a bloody zombie.
As for the inheritance - try telling that to him. If it wasn't for that money DD and I certainly wouldn't have been able to stay here.
I was brave enough to lay the cards onthe table last night and tell him that his time is running out. I gave him a list of things he had to do by the time DD and I come back to Sydney. The top of the list was quitting his addiction.
All I can say is "in one ear and out the other" because later he went outside and smoked a spliff.

[Tortington]

the grandmothers money thing really pisses me off.

my mum left me some when she died - and dh was clear as day that money was mine.

my mother had invested it wisely for me, lived her life a certain way to protect her finances - for me. I think and DH knows i thnk this - that money should be invested wisely - not spent on day to day expenses - he isn't incapable of working ( he does v. hard) if he wants something - he saves. if we need something as a family - we plan for it. that money is not his to do or suggest to do anything with.

a lot of mumsnetters disagree - but i think you should always have a fund or finances in case your relationship goes tits up. never leave yourself without a safety net.

you should be in a position when he tells you to 'go home' that - if you wanted - you could pack up and fuck off.

[Tortington]

why are you with him
why do you love him

not rhetorical - genuine.

i got to a point in my marriage when living for the past wasn't good enough. when living for the hope of a future that i knew wouldn't come, wasn't enough to sustain me anymore.

SGB was right. there is something almost poisonus about a relationship like this. My husband got to a point where he resented me, he resented my impinging on his time - and god knows the methods over the years i tried to get him to be with me. i felt so very lonely.

eventually we had a 'situation' and i left.

and we built it back up from there - when dh genuinely agreed to fight for his family.

i am not advocating this as a means to an end - becuase you could push him - and leave and he might not fight for you.

but i think you have all the cards.

how the fuck is he going to live without you there?

in your shoes - i would tell him tomorrow ( today) that i had had enough - quite calmly. tell him you are going home and staying there. you aren't playing anymore and your sick of this dance. and you cannot see yourself spending the next 20 years with him - a man who is unwilling to work harder, to be something, to contribute to the relationship.

think it through - and hit him with hard facts like - taking your name off the lease - or selling the house, taking your name off debts etc. - you can't afford to run two homes half a world away - so he will have to sort himself out.

and mean it - don't threaten it - leave him. if he wants to fight for you and dd - he will.

[brightongirldownunder]

I'm ok.
Just feel a bit quiet. DH keeps asking if I'm ok and I can't tell him. My brain is whizzing.
This is just one big terrible mess.
I seem to have a permanent headache too which doesn't help.
Just need some time off - thank god I'm going away.

[GetOrfMoiCockroachCluster]

Hope you're feeling OK Brighton Girl.

[MrsMcCluskey]

You are not too old to start again
I am working with an 83 yr old lady who has finally decided enough is enough.
We are getting her rehoused and supporting her, she is haveing a whole new lease of life.
Dont wait that long!!!

[thehairybabysmum]

As ever Lulumama speaks wise words.

The dope may be a red herring though...personally it sounds like he is an utter arse, smoking dope is not an excuse or a reason for that. It may exacerbate his twattishness but i reckon that the basic disrespect and disregard for you that he shows would happen irrespective of his smoking.

The fact he leaves normal cigarettes around even for your DD to pick up shows a level of disregard for her that i would also find unacceptable!!

Hopefully your visit back to the UK will be enjoyable and the valuable breathing space it gives you will make you appreciate that it is better to be alone (though unlikely you would stay this way as think your mojo will reappear) than with someone who drains you of the lifes pleasure!

Anyway waffle waffle but basically he's an arse (with or without the dope) and you sound too lovely and dynamic to let him make you miserable for any longer!

[LuluMaman]

i doubt he'd go to rehab as i doubt he sees he has a problem. he has to go for himself

you and DD leaving might well tip him over into rock bottom, he will have a moment of clarity and seek help for his addiction and repair himself

or he won't

you need to start thinking about you and DD and your futures, he might well only be on the periphery.

until you come back to england , you need to lay it on the line every day, that this is make or break

[regularlyoverwhelmed]

brightongirl I really feel for you

I am in a similar situation but thankfully not 1,000s of miles from home - just a short flight away which still feels too far at times

my dh drinks too much, in a capable, well-functioning sort of way which manages to get under all the radars

it means our sex life is fairly non-existent, I have gone from being a passionate person with a fairly high sex drive to never ever initiating it anymore (due to frequent rebuffs) and for the first time a few weeks ago when he reached for me in bed I pretended I was asleep. I just couldn't be bothered. It's so bloody boring with him anyhow as he isn't really bothered.

So i know just how you feel about the wanting/needing some intimacy. Your post saying that he was outside smoking a joint rather than being in bed with you rang so many bells for me. The number of nights I have felt like that as he nursed yet another glass of wine. Now I don't think about it anymore, I don't think I really care anymore. This makes me sadder than anything that went before.

I don't have much advice for you, just to let you know you aren't alone. In your position I think I'd get back to Uk and make a go of it alone. Your DD is still young enough not to be too bloodied by a break. And you are young enough too. I'm 40 and my eldest is 7. TBH I may make the break myself this year, and if I do am pretty sure I'll wish I'd done it years ago when DD1 might have taken it more in her stride. I wasn't confident enought then, was too scared of the future.

FWIW I spoke to a woman recently who is coming up to her 60s. She has been in a similar situation over the years and not left, she said ruefully that she simply hadn't had the courage when she needed it. SHe did say that when she and her DH were good they were v v good but when they were bad they were awful. I think that might be worth hanging around for but if the good bits are mediocre at best what are we still here for???

sorry, just my musings

good luck with your decision

[MarshaBrady]

It is, but somehow the bright sunshine and beautiful beaches can make one feel more lonely if other things are crap. My brother struggled for nearly 2 years in Sydney before he was happy because he felt lonely.

although I suspect I am a little jaded with Aus, and prefer London. A home is where you feel loved after all, (soppy emotion).

[brightongirldownunder]

Marsha DH loves Aus and doesn't ever want to go back to the Uk. He has a terrible relationship with his family and hardly calls them.
I think if I had a loving and understanding partner, I would try my hardest to make it work here. Its an amazing place to live.

[brightongirldownunder]

Lulu I know.
How do I stop him though?
I don't want it anywhere near DD. I smoked it when I was a student but wouldn't go anywhere near it now as it always turned me into a prize twat.
DD picked up one of his cigarettes the other day and put it in her mouth, replicating him. I asked him what he'd do if she did that with a joint - he couldn't answer.Should I suggest he goes in to rehab? He's an addict, isn't he?

[MarshaBrady]

In this situation I think moving back to the UK is sounding the best option. Although you do have to look at the legal issues of taking dd first.

Does your dh say he wants to stay in Aus even though he is finding it hard?

I think if when you come back you feel a huge weight lift from your shoulders, you may know more certainly what you want.

(btw I am the opposite to you with many Aus friends married to British men, it is hard without the family and old friend support - a strong husband who fills that role is vital).

[brightongirldownunder]

I love Brighton.
Born and bred there - so it'll make it even harder to leave again.

[LuluMaman]

just because X has a husband who cheats, or Y has a husband who slaps her, awful as those situations are , it does not mean you are not allowed to be pissed off with your husband

he is being cruel and nasty

he is abusing drugs, whihc might sound OTT as it is 'just' dope.. but i think a lot of his problems and the marriage problems are being excacerbated by him being fuzzy headed, not motivated, no sex drive and being down and low

these things might be being caused by the pot, or are being excacerbated by it

either way, he is showing no inclination to stop and therefore you and DD are and will continue to suffer

[saintdobby]

and you couldn't be coming back to a better place,

Brighton's very lovely still, especially in summer...

Come back for a break, have some fun, feel your own edges again and see how you feel then

nothing like remembering old self for finding a bit of clarity

[brightongirldownunder]

Bloody hell, did I write that?
Definitely the wine talking

[brightongirldownunder]

Maybe I'll go back to Brighton, glam myself, up slip on my new Spanx pants and see if the old girl's still got her mojo workin'.

[Metella]

Aww, brightongirl, I'm sure MNers who know you in real life will want to support you.

Don't feel that you've lied - no-one knows the real truth of other people's lives.