A positive thread - your top tips on making a marriage work

[admylin]

I've just tried a trial separation from dh and we talked and sorted alot of things out during that time and now we're moving back together and starting over.
What we did wrong? We didn't talk about things and I didn't tell him what I wanted (I was of course expecting him to mind read) and nothing at all went on in the bedroom. All that has changed.
Has any one else sort of saved their marriage? I know every relationship is different but what would you say are the most important things?

Compromise. compromise , compromise
Think before you say something in anger, it often doesn't need to be said.
Don't let the sun go down on your anger (my grandad taught me that), it's true, try not to let arguments drag on, forget them and move on

agree - compromise!

also consideration.
respect.
communication (so many marriages run into trouble because one or both parties expect the other to be a mind reader! "I shouldn't HAVE to tell him/her. erm. yes. you should.)
and romance. And sorry, but this is where we women are at fault! We expect to be the one on the receiving end of romantic gestures all the time. Men like romance too!

Yes, the romance is great now it's back. We need to set up some sort of babysitting/sleep over system so we can get some time to ourselves.
We just had our first night without children in 11 years a couple of weeks ago.

Say sorry.

You need to love your partner but you really also need to respect them and it helps if you have a fundamental admiration for them as a person (even if at tiems they wind you up or they sometimes do crap stuff- who doesnt?).

Then the obvious communication communication communication.

You seriously need to avoid the 'I'm a better person than you' syndrome I see in a lot of relationships. People are different and if you don't respect the person you are with whay are you with them?

Im not actually getting on very well with my dh at the mo so my tips might be a bit crap but ......

Love him for who he is dont try and change him as that will make him unhappy and in turn you unhappy as it will be unsuccesful

Appreciate stuff he does for you my neighbour moans her dh does nothing for her but he always scrapes the ice off her car for her and fills her car up with petrol.

Dont argue over things you cant change - if your skint he cant magically produce money but you can both discuss ways to improve finances.

Dont use sex as a weapon.

Let 95% of minor irritations go. Don't store them up, just let them float away.

Be the first to say sorry and don't take the moral high ground. You're no more perfect than he/she is.

Tell them that you love them and appreciate them, even if they're doing something they ought to be doing anyway. "Thanks for looking after the children" "Thanks for making tea" (even if it's just scampi and chips out the freezer).

Touch each other in a non sexual way, often (ie daily). And in a sexual way, at least weekly.

Tell them what you want, but don't nag and don't expect them to mind read. Don't set "tests" which he can't help but fail. Don't sulk.

never go to sleep without making up first

Sort out the household chores and the money situation and stick to whatever rules you set - because a LOT of argument and resentment is caused over those two issues.

totally agree with babbity.
you cant change him, just accept him for his weaknesses and strengths, he does the same with you

Babbity very wise!

I can tell you that the daily affection thing matters! I have a somewhat, erm, unusual relationship with my husband. But recently we have taken time, every night, to just cuddle each other and kiss. Nothing else. Just that. I can't tell you how different things feel now. I feel so much closer to him.

hecate It really makes a difference. Luckily someone wiser than me told me about this (and the other tips) BEFORE I married DH, and I am so glad. People say that you need to "work" at a relationship but it's rare to find someone who can tell you how to work at it. It can feel artificial but it soon becomes second nature.

Some great tips everyone. I will be working hard at this from next week when we move back together. The separation did us good and made us see how much we still love each other.