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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boilerwoman

28 replies

mariemarie · 08/07/2009 13:50

Does anyone else think its very odd that she hasnt posted for quite a while now.

I realise that her DC have had chicken pox but surely she would have had some time just to pop on here to let everyone know she is ok, considering the amount of support she has had on here.

Its making me think that either a) something is wrong, or b) its not genuine. I know that will upset some of you and I really hope its not the case but this just all doesnt seem right.

I have thought that she could just be getting on with things if her DH has returned and Ive also thought that he may have stopped her from posting on here but she did some posts from work so surely she could have got on here at some point in the last few weeks.

This all just doesnt add up.

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 08/07/2009 13:51

Never heard of her.

muddleduck · 08/07/2009 13:55

My view is that she is trying to close that chapter of her life and move on. Coming on here would remind her of things that she is trying hard to put behind her.

akhems · 08/07/2009 13:57

who?

FiveGoMadInDorset · 08/07/2009 14:02

Who?

HolyGuacamole · 08/07/2009 14:08

Agree with muddleduck, but it would be nice to know that she is ok.

Lizzylou · 08/07/2009 14:12

I agree with Muddleduck as well.

I hope that things are going well for her.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 08/07/2009 14:12

Boilerwoman (formerly Fading Away) is the OP in several long-running threads about her H leaving her a note to say he had left her and their 5 children. Kind people in their droves responded for a long time, but since H returned, there has been very little information posted.

I have to say I am also disappointed and I am trying to keep an open mind - and always have, despite a few niggling little doubts.

As a general point, it is one of my frustrations with Mumsnet that people take time out of their very busy lives to offer support and advice and too many posters fail to conclude their threads. Just a "thanks everyone, no need to post any longer, but I am OK" would be nice. It's just good manners, really.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 08/07/2009 14:17

thank you WhenwillIfeelnormal remember her now didn't know she had changed her name.

Original poster
mariemarie · 08/07/2009 14:30

WWIFN, I agree, and it would be totally understandable if she didnt want to post any more but it would be nice if she could just let everyone know.

The thing is, from her posts she doesnt come across as the type of lady that would just take all this help and advice and then just drop off without thanking and saying bye to everyone.

If I'm honest, it is really making me doubt how genuine this situation ever was. I really hope that I am wrong though.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 08/07/2009 14:33

I think that poor bw was so desperate to have her DH back and paper over the cracks/pretend none of it ever happened/get her old life back that she won't come back as it will just remind of what he did.

chevre · 08/07/2009 14:35

i think you all have to just let go. it is an internet forum and she doesn't owe anybody anything.

modrin · 08/07/2009 14:35

i foowed this thread with great interest i think she just totally lives for her immediate family and only reached out when there was no one in rl to talk to now h is back she has reverted back to that idium it would have been nice for her to let everyone know she is ok though especially as a couple of mnetters did seem to go out of their way to help

countingto10 · 08/07/2009 14:44

TBH, having been through something very similar very recently and only just beginning to come out the other side with a lot of therapy, I would imagine her brain is complete mush and she doesn't know what to think, say or do and when her head is slightly clearer she will be able to post again.

It is a devastating experience and I was quite literally all "talked out" and could take any more advice or talk about things any more but I did lurk on various threads including that one.

I'm sure she will post again in due course when the dust has settled back home.

JigglyPiggy · 08/07/2009 14:46

I thought this was going to be an update and I'm to see the comments doubting her.

All you can respond to is what is posted. Yes lots of people offered support but I agree with Chevre she (or any other poster) asking for and receiving help does not 'owe' anyone anything.

I still check to see if there is any news as her situation struck a chord with me. However, it probably is the case that no news is good news in that she is getting on with her life in the best way possible for her and her family.

Lulumama · 08/07/2009 14:50

there was another poster who disapperead too , stercusaccidit (sp?) who was also extricating herself from an abusive relationship... people do feel sad that they invest a lot of time and emotion and share difficult personal things, and then the person they have shared with vanishes. it is upsetting and frustrating and the kindest thing to think is that the person is no longer in need of teh support and is moving forward

cheerfulvicky · 08/07/2009 15:22

I think I partly understand where BW is coming from. I found it quite hard to post here after my DP and I got back together, because I had been given some top notch advice on here about leaving him due to his controlling and twuntish behaviour. I still feel like a bit of a plonker, even though I know I am doing what is right for me and DS, and will continue to do what is right in the future, whether that involves being with DP or not.
There is an element of shame and feeling the need to justify yourself when you get back with someone who has treated you badly; especially if they haven't had a massive lightning bolt of understanding/overnight conversion/personality transplant. The bloke is essentially THE SAME, with some modifications. If that. So there is loss of face for the woman, she thinks she will be boooed if she comes back on and says she is with the man again, after all the energy people have expended.

I have to admit that one of the first thoughts that went through my head when I knew for sure I wanted to move back in with DP was "Oh God, what will the ladies on MN say. I've failed them". And I assumed I would never be able to show my face here again

Happily, I know that while some might think I am a plonker for taking DP back, their opinions matter a lot less than my own opinion of myself. I have emerged some way from the fog and know that I deserve to be treated better than I have been. I hope BW - if she's still lurking here - also knows that she deserves to be treated well. And lots of us are interested in her welfare The same goes for Stercus!

Lizzylou · 08/07/2009 15:46

I should imagine BW is getting on with her life and working on her marriage, I don't think she was a troll at all.

Hapywoman and some other posters who live near her were in email contact, I wish her well.

It would be nice to know that she is OK, but I can totally understand why she'd want to concentrate on rl at the moment.

Original poster
mariemarie · 08/07/2009 15:54

Vicky, I understand what you are saying but there are lots of nice messages on the thread from BW wishing her well and urging her to come back.

And, whilst I am lucky enough never to have been through anything like you have, I have to wonder why on earth you would feel like you have let people down on here. No one here knows you and if you come on here looking for support and advice then that is what you will get (some of it you will like and some of it you wont).

However, you should never feel embarrassed about what decisions you have made. These are your decisions and its your life. We all go through bad spells where by we could make a list as long as your arm about the bad points in our relationships but then when things blow over these things dont seem as bad. Its your life and its up to you how & who you live it with.

I think its quite sad that you should be bothered about what ladies on MN think about your decisions, and you most certainley havent failed anyone.

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 08/07/2009 15:56

Great post cheerfulvicky!

HappyWoman · 08/07/2009 18:03

I have emails from her - and although i too a bit disappointed that she has not given us or me an update i do not think she is a troll.

It is hard when your brain tells you not to take him back and yet your heart (for want of a better word) tells you different.
I remember thinking 'god people will think i am such an idiot for forgiving him' but once you learn not to worry what others think of you it also becomes easier to give advice without sounding judgemental imo.

She has a busy life 5 children a full time job and the end of term looming - i would be surprised if she has even had time to sit down and have a cup of tea.

Boilerwoman i do hope that one day you will let us know how you are getting on but untli then look after yourself and have a great life.

cheerfulvicky · 08/07/2009 18:51

mariemarie, I don't think it's sad that I was bothered by what MNers thought of my decision. I valued their opinion and their advice was spot on. Staying with an emotionally abusive man is a bit daft, to put it mildly. I felt that going back to him gave the message that, well, their advice was crap. And that absolutely wasn't the case.

I would also HATE for another woman to post on here, seeking advice for escaping from an abusive partner, to meet a wall of disinterested woman all thinking 'Ah, they never leave them, they always go back. What's the point in even saying anything?'
I was told a lot that my story was inspirational, and it was 'good to hear about someone actually making the break, for a change!'
So, yeah - it is a bit bashful to come creeping back But if I deeply cared what MNers thought, I wouldn't be posting again under the same username.

BottySpottom · 08/07/2009 19:17

I think it's a shame we don't know the outcome too. A little bit of me worries that he went again and that she went through with the panadol.

I followed the thread very intently for over 6 weeks I think and found myself getting very involved in that I was logging on to see how she was constantly and, when she was suicidal, spending time on the PC when I should have been with my family. I felt very bad about that at the time and I think I would possibly be stricter with myself in that situation again as there is only so much you can do when you are on-line and real life support is so much better. I feel we, by providing support on-line, may have prevented her getting 'proper' real life support that would still be there for her now.

There were little niggles about trolling, but on balance I thought it was a risk I had to take, to believe her at the outset.

jabberwocky · 08/07/2009 19:23

I htink it's always nice to give people the benefit of the doubt and the support they may need.

But, tbh, early on I thought she was a troll.

modrin · 08/07/2009 21:02

Bottyspottom it was you in particular i was thinking of when i said that one or 2 of the mumsnetets went out oftheir way etc etc just to let you know imo i think y0u always gave sterling advice

SemperEadem · 08/07/2009 21:24

counting2ten is right - I am sure BW will be back on when she can but if her husband has just returned then I can imagine she has a lot on her plate right now.

I understand that people on here have given her lots of support and may want updates but I think support should be given altruistically, she needed it then, may not now, but may in the future, and the fact that sh hasn't updated shouldn't matter.

I don't think she was a troll either.