Feeling betrayed by PIL

[flamingobingo]

I've been thinking about this all night and have decided that a bit of advice from MN might be very helpful right now.

Basically I've been suffering from depression on and off my whole life. I've always been able to put each episode down to something going on at the time - having a baby, or final year at uni etc. But during an episode in January I decided enough was enough and decided to start counselling.

My FIL is a psychotherapist and found a lovely therapist for me and offered to pay for some of it. My parents are paying the rest. Both sets of parents have been hugely supportive, as I've discovered that all my episodes of depression are linked, and as I learn more and more about myself and my life.

I'm still having episodes of depression though and, of course, they affect my children which really worries me. My mum comes over twice a week for the day, DH has a day off during the week and a weekend day off every other weekend. I have lovely friends who are helping out too - one of whom looks after all my 4 DCs while I go to one of my two counselling sessions each week. I have two days a week 'on my own' with the children, where I try to get out, see friends etc.

A couple of weeks ago I had yet another really difficult patch and I got a prescription for anti-depressants, which I had avoided so far. In the end I decided not to take them (please don't talk about the anti-ds though, they have had much discussion!) but ask MIL if she would come over on her day off each week to help out like my mum does. She's been desperate to do this for years but I find her very annoying and she's done/said things in the past that have been really awful to DH and me (and also my family!).

She's not the most horrific MIL in the world, but she ain't perfect either. She's also said things that have made it very clear that, even though FIL totally approves of and supports our attachment parenting style, she doesn't, but just goes along with it. She's said/done stuff with my children that has really bothered me though, but I've just left it and accepted that I can't control what all other adults say and do with my children and they need to grow up knowing everyone isn't the same as me!

So she came over the week before last, armed with a craft activity to do with them. The day went well. She took them to the park and shop and was out for about 2hrs while DD4 (baby) slept and I got loads of housework done in peace, which was lovely. I looked forward to her coming again - which is bizarre for me!

She didn't come last week as we were away camping, but she came on Sunday (usually her and FIL come on the Sundays DH works as he finishes early and they get to see some of him, and we don't 'waste' one of his precious days off with them!) on her own as FIL was busy, and it was really stressful.

She took them to the shop and then refused to buy my DD1 something she'd asked for even though I said it would be ok, and she forced her to have something she didn't want. So DD1 came home in a strop (a justified one IMO), which annoyed MIL. And then DD2 asked me if they could eat their buttons before lunch (I was already surprised they hadn't eaten them on the way home). Note that she asked me, her mother. And I would normally say yes - buttons are hardly going to stop her eating lunch, and even if they did she's bound to eat more food later on. But MIL jumped in before I had a chance to answer and said 'no, you must eat lunch first'. Not a big deal, I know, but DD2 had a paddy about it, which could have been avoided, so I then had two children in a mood and me feeling very embarrassed and very paranoid about what she thought of my parenting.

I went upstairs to talk to DD1 who said she wanted to eat lunch but didn't want to come down as she was still upset with MIL. Normally I would have brought her lunch upstairs, but I was feeling worried about what MIL would think.

So MIL went home and I said to DH when he got home that I felt a bit oversensitive, that the day had been stressful and I was worried about her weekday visit. I said I felt constantly under scrutiny but that I knew I was just being paranoid, as she was just coming to support me and help me out.

We've now been invited to attend a fab weekly family thing on the day MIL's meant to come over, so DH rang her to tell her. She was a bit upset, he told me by text. I was angry with him because I thought he told her the wrong way, and didn't want her upset as she'd been so helpful and kind. When he got home, though, he told me in more detail about the conversation.

Apparently he'd said 'it's not about you, so don't be upset' and she'd replied saying 'good! But I thought I was going there to see how things were going and to check on teh children?'!!!! And then proceeded to 'report' to him about DD1 saying 'did you know she's very quiet in the day and plays on the computer quite a bit?'. DH was a star and just said 'well she was probably having a quiet day like we all do sometimes' and managed to not tell her off for thinking she was meant to be spying on me.

But I've been upset all night by it all. I feel really betrayed by my PIL, but don't really know if FIL thought she was meant to be checking up on me too, or if it's just her perception of the situation. I kind of want to ring him to ask him to ask him. He's been very kind through the whole process and I've been very honest with him. Either I've been too honest and he has told MIL to check up on me or she's got completely the wrong, and very unpleasant end of the stick.

Thanks for reading this essay - anyone got any thoughts? Not seeing them now until Sunday week, and seeing my therapist tomorrow when I'll discuss it with her, but MN is so helpful sometimes - hoping it will be this time too!

Can i also say and i mean this nicely that my hypothetical GC were being looked after by somebody who was suffering with depression who was requiring help with childcare to the level you mention then i think i would be checking on them from time to time too. Because children are affected no matter how you look at it, as Kimi says you are very lucky to have such a loving supportive family.

She does somewhat have the right to check up IMO. Your Dh was probably foolish to mention it to you.

FlamingoBingo, what have you actually been diagnosed with and who has diagnosed you, what is their qualification?

Trillian - that was plain nasty. And you're showing your ignorance. Anti-depressants sometimes mask the cause of the depression and don't always work in the long term.

God, no wonder people feel depression isn't something you can admit to judging by some of the replies on here.

Flamingo - I hope you have given up reading these replies by now as they won't help you.

I know to others that aren't depressed Flamingo sounds unreasonable, but that's the whole point - she is depressed and won't be thinking like her usual self.

I can see why the op is annoyed. I would be as well if I thought someone was 'checking up' on me without my knowledge. She isn't a child. If that was the purpose of MIL's visits then the OP should have been made aware of it at the start.

Is it just me or has this thread gone like soooo many others? one person forgets to be kind and considerate with the OP, who is clearly depressed and has lost a little perspective. Then along follow other brave posters who just get more and more harsh, it really is very very playground.

The OP possibly knows she is a little unreasonable otherwise she wouldn't be posting looking to validate her feelings. Come on is there any harm in being nice?

Well said posie.

There you go then point proven, it seems it all has to be your way.

I have a lot of experience with depression as it goes, so not at all ignorant, but what I see from this thread is the OP only wants people to go there there your MIL is a cow, when it is the opposite, MIL is doing a lot for the OP and getting bad mouthed for it.
If I was the OPs husband I would be put out that my mother was doing all she could to help and my wife was slagging her off for it.

My guess is the in laws have better things to do with their time and money, but they do and give what they can to help and it is met with bad grace.
It is also odd that you have a problem with your MIL but not with your FIL, is this because he buys in to your needs unlike mother in law who thinks maybe you should rely less on everyone around you?
You say she gets upset over your DH, maybe she has a right to maybe she can see what your illness is doing to him and the family, a depressed person can only see what affects them a lot of the time, not how their illness can destroy the lives of the people around them.
I think you need to reconsider the ADs, along with the counselling, as that alone does not seem to be getting you far.

I guess you may have stopped reading this as soon as people stopped seeing it all your way.

Is it helping the OP though to say yes, you're right, tell your MIL to sod off etc when in fact if she does this she might risk losing the valuable support she's getting?

I'd say it's far better for OP to hear what may sound like harsh words on here than to risk making a scene or alienating her loved ones because she can't see the wood for the trees.

No one has told her to tell MIL to piss off.

Agree with morris

Excellent and very moving post fruitysunshine. I'm glad to hear that things have improved for you.

From my reading of the OP I would say that
despite not really agreeing with her MIL about several decision made during the day, the OP backed up her mil and kept her mouth shut as she is grateful for the help. She commented that she found that stressful.

She was then upset to find out that her MIL considers her in need of supervision in the looking after of her children, and thinks that she needs to report back to her dh.

This would piss me off, but not nearly so much as the wanton misreading of her op on this thread.

Flamingobogo, you are imo entirely justified in feeling annoyed.

sorry about the mistakes, was trying to do about three things at once

Noone has completely agreed with the OP, most have said, kindly, that her mil probably meant nothing by it and her reaction is due to her depression.

OP, your PIL are being very helpful.

But I do agree that your MIL's being helpful does not mean that you have to concede any of your parenting decisions to her, even if it is over chocolate buttons.

It's not about pussyfooting around someone with depression - it's showing that the parent still deserves some respect and autonomy in her own home and parenting decisions.

I hope that you can perhaps talk to your MIL about this - let her know that you are still the mother of your children and will be making the decisions for them when you are around.

It is a very delicate position mind.

If you ask gps to help out you lose some control over how they interact with your children. They will insist on doing things their way (it is the only way don't you know). If you are not able to handle this then yuo pay someone to help or struggle.

your mil was commenting on your dd - this is normal gp behaviour. It is possible she is concerned that your illness is having an effect on her. It is normal for mil to say to her ds especially as she knows you are not well and maybe did not want to upset you. it must be very difficult for you and your family at present and things do get out of proportion when you feel depressed so as others have said please discuss this with your counsellor. But to help yourself try not to be annoyed with your mil.

Surely though, if the op needs all this outside help from friends and family, that is because atm she does not feel able to look after her dc's as well as she would like, so how can she then be upset at the thought of the grandmother being there to help supervise the children and looking out for them?

As I said earlier, I am suffering from depression right now following the death of my dear mum, tried ad's but felt worse on them so not taking them anymore and have practically zero outside help. It is so hard so I think I can speak from experience that I wouldn't be critisising any help that I was lucky enough to be given.

I don't mean any of that harshly btw but am just a bit fed up with posters who all think we should pussy-foot around the op and tell her what she wants to hear. Maybe that's what everyone usually does around her but that doesn't actually help her situation now.

Majority of the posters have shown sympathy but have stated that maybe her perception of things isn't quite crystal right now. That's not being unkind. It's being honest!

I thought the reason the op needed all the help was because she was depressed, and the depression and her ability to look after her kids are therefore reasonable things for the adults helping her to be concerned about. If I was a grandparent and was asked to help with kids, not because the parents were working, but becasue one parent was ill either mentally of physically and therefore not coping with looking after the children I'd be keeping an eye on them and seeing how they were doing. I'd try to be surrepticious about it but I'd be doing it all the same. If you're helping someone out because they are ill, then that is more concerning than just doing a babysitting job to help them, financially.
Your MIL wasn't betraying you she was being concerned, and being honest.

Just want to say that wasn't me, and I hope Flamingo didn't think it was. Someone else has the name 'Trillian' on its own, although when I started using this name it hadn't been in use since 2005, so I didn't think there would be any issues of confusion.

You need to take those ad's. For your kids sake if not for your own.

She is not checking up on you she is being concerned about your welfare and that of her grandchildren and son which is entirely understandable.

You seem to want help but want it all on your terms.

Theres spying and then theres checking on someone because you care. To be honest she sounds like shes doing the latter because if it was the former then there would be a whole lot more maliciousness going around.
Ithink your mil genuinely cares its just she goes about things differently to you and so you read situations in a different way. You've said both sets of parents have been supportive in your op so maybe its time to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Re the overruling thing, maybe she thought she was in charge at that point as you had asked her to look after the children.

I can see why you wouldn't want that confusion TrillianAstra

It seems to me you are letting the depression define you. You really need to fight that with every bit of energy you have.

It is very easy to go the path of least resistance with depression. Easy to get used to the attention, the drama, the instablity, and that indulgence can be endless if you allow it to be. But sooner or later your loved ones, who effectlivly are forced into the roles of carers, begin to resent this.

You need to break free of the cycle of indulgence which is part and parcel of depression. Anti-depressants are the first step on that path. You will learn more in counselling whilst on them. You will be able to finally see the world fully, and your impact upon it, free from the deadening fog that depression shrouds you in. That can be an alarming moment, but you must hold your nerve. Just do it. Stop procrastinating.

I think in the big scheme of things that a phrase such as checking up should not be taken too seriously.
Try to concentrate on the positives. There are a lot of people wishing you well andd willing to help you out. Let this remark go and try to get on with things.