I am a bit fed up, DH is being a bit selfish I think and don't really know what to do, just a moan really.

[PavlovtheForgetfulCat]

I was going to put it in AIBU, but firstly I am probably been a bit unreasonable, and he is too, and I am not in the mood for a flaming, and secondly, even if I am being unreasonable I don't really care, I feel these feelings and they are real regardless of the reasons. I just need to rant and I am sure I will feel much better!

DH is out of a job. He has been out of a job since january, he has applied for the odd job here and there, but to give him credit the job market is not good here in Devon, there are lots of people going for the same jobs. But he is also not applying for everything he possibly can. He says he is too old to start again doing a teenagers job, he has pride and why should he lose his pride?

Luckily we had a little in savings to tide us over. but it feels like he seems to think he won't have to sort out work until this money disappears completely. It was not what it was for.

I am 20 weeks pregnant. I have been working 32 hours a week since I went back to work when DD was 9 months old, she is now 3. I have suffered from hyperemesis, and have only just in the last few weeks felt well enough to stat living again, returned to work, have more energy.

Since DH has been house husband he has been responsible for DD and the cleaning/tidying of the house. He is great at looking after DD, but the housework he is useless at. The house has been chaos and I have not until recently had the energy to clean it (we also have building work going on so it is messier than normal due to storage issues). DH has tried in his view to keep on top of it, and he has looked after me, and it is not a skill of his, cleaning. He cleans, but not tidies if you get that. And he cooks most days for both DD and us, although often DD gets a quick thrown together something.

But my problem is that he does not spend all day every day cleaning, socialising DD (she is not at nursery as we had to withdraw her before she was 3 due to finances), looking for work. But he goes out to see friends, our friends, they come to visit, he drinks lots of tea, and he spends a LOT of time on the computer playing his computer games, probably does around 1 hour of cleaning/tidying/washing/etc a day if I am lucky, I come home from work and have to do more, to keep on top of it. DH does enough to feel justified in getting arsey about it when I moan, he feels he looks after DD and that is enough. He does not spend much time looking for work at all, I have no idea how much time when I am not here, but I know I often point out jobs for him, and he does not always bother to apply.

He goes out a lot in the evening, and since I have been ill it has occured more and more. We have argued extensively and had some arguments that came close to us splitting (he threatened to leave as he did not like my attitude). He promised he would not go out all the time, and when he is in we would spend more time together.

Anyway, we had a great weekend, we went to Hyde Park festival on sunday, got back late sunday night/early morning, I had the day off work, I then worked hard for DDs birthday, went out shopping for bits while he 'looked after DD' at a friends house, in the garden drinking tea. The next day, he went out to finish off and DD and I slept for 3 hours as I was exhausted and he was very pissed off that I had slept all afternoon instead of preparing for DDs birthday party the next day.

Tuesday (same day) he went out in the evening for a couple of hours to help a friend move.
Wednesday he went out to visit a friend for the evening 'so you can have an early night, I know you are tired'
thursday he went out to visit a friend as he has not seen him for a while.
this afternoon (after I worked an additional day at work) he asked for some 'me' time, sure I said, and he then came up to the park with DD and I. He then said 'i am going out for a bit ok?' and I said 'where' and he said 'to the xx pub to sit in the beer garden and have a beer with friends'

And I felt so jealous. He has such a social life, is spending our savings as all my money is going on bills, he does not do enough in the house for my liking, he is not looking for work. He is not providing for his family. If he does not work soon I will have to forfeit some maternity leave.

He always makes out like he is going out to 'give me space' 'he knows I am tired' or he is on the computer, and when I challenge him he says I am paranoid and he gets defensive and we argue and he turns it around, he says I am ungrateful for what he does, he does more than I realise, He thinks I want him to stop seeing people, or having a life, because I don't have one, because I am too tired in the evening to go out myself. I probably do to be honest.

God that was very long and its not even half of what I feel. If I say anything to him we will just argue. There is no way I can stop an argument, I cannot seem to explain to him what I feel without him turning it around.

ilovemydog - our relationship has never been exactly 50/50, and I have been fine with that, I have a good well paid (for sw at least) job, always earnt more than him, but have always put more into the career aspect than him. Fine with that when he is working, in fact I think he does more in the home when he is not working. As he does, and always has done all the cooking! I just want that balance back, more equal but not exactly equal.

But Expat you are right, I need to stop mothering him. It is not helping.

You say he dotes on your dd but only tolerates you. Tbh, sounds like he only tolerates dd. He's clearly rather be with friends - any friends. What is your 3 yr-old doing while he hangs out with his unemployed, childless mates? I liket o see friends during the week - but only those with kids for dd to play with. Because that time is not about me - it's primarily about her.

And eating in front of the TV while he's in another room on the pc? I can imagine what my dh would have to say if he came home to that.

Can you get your dh to truly imagine how he would feel if he was in your place? He is taking the piss big time - but clearly you know that. Perhpas you can pick one change that would really help you and persistently demand that.

I have found that people tend to polarise in relationships and the original inequalities in roles get deeper. That can be OK if the work and responsibilites are shared out.

Wrt teaching - it's a vocation and he should try it out - by volunteering or being a TA before committing to a course of study which may simply be another way of not getting a dismal job (haven't most of us just had to do one of those sometimes?) and get you further into debt.

He thinks he is a teenager playing computer games but won't look for a job a teenager might do.

While he isn't working outside the home he needs to see that looking for work is his job along with running the house.

aci I never said he was in another room while on the computer. The computer is in the same room. And he does dote on her. When his friends are here, they all play with her. He takes her to the park, he has just gone swimming with her. He often goes out to see his friends and takes her too (not in the evenings). Some of our friends have children. Not all, but some. I did not give an exclusive list of our friends just explained how some are not at work. Only two of our friends are childless and jobless. The other's have jobs that are not 9-5 monday to friday so are available in the day. Those friends without children love DD so she does not get ignored, but it means DH gets out of doing what he needs to be doing, when he is able to chat and natter and drink tea.

My point was more that I would prefer he be looking for work or cleaning than playing a computer game. If DD was eating in front of the tele because he had a few jobs to apply for, not the same as playing computer games.

You know your savings that he is living off, what would happen if you just took these out and moved them to an account in your name only ?

Because basically I'm kind of with expat now, talking is not solving anything and is stressing you out.

Therefore other than asking him to move out which is a big step when you are pregnant with DC2, perhaps cutting off his funds would stop him from going out to the pub etc.

It's not as if you are doing anything wrong. TThat money is needed for emergencies and hard times,so if money is short now its going to be a damn sight shorter when you are on mat leave, and even if you take the minimum, which I hope for your sake you don't, then that leaves a number of weeks with no income which need to be covered.

Put the shoes on the other feet here:

Would you do this to your family and your savings in a recession, especially if you knew it meant your spouse had to truncate maternity leave?

How would he react if you did this whilst he went to work?

Think of the answers to these questions, and why they should be different for him than for you.

I would not be unemployed expat. I have been unemployed for a period of 2 months in my life immediately after finishing uni. I took the first job available to me with an agency. It just would not happen on the other foot. But I am fortunate enough that in my line of work and length of employment there I would have enough notice to take proactive steps to avoid loss of income - in fact, as it has been talked about tentatively I have done different courses at work on up to date areas such as child protection to ensure if I was made redundant I would be in a better position than colleagues to get the jobs they will also be applying for. Just in case.

Perhaps I have answered the question eh?

No, that answers the second question, not the first one.

Sadly, everyone can become unemployed. No one is immune, because of becoming unemployed through disability or illness, which can happen to everyone.

And let's just say that hypothetically, you did become unemployed.

If that were so, 'Would you do this to your family and your savings in a recession, especially if you knew it meant your spouse had to truncate maternity leave?'

expat - everyone can become unemployed, but I would do anything at any cost to not stay unemployed, that is what I mean. Even with the recession there is some work. I would work in a bar at night if that meant I could apply for better jobs in the day.

Would I behave like this? God I hope I would not. No. I would do everything in my power to get out of the situation. And, pre-children I did just that, so it would be even more so now I have others that depend on me.

Hello Pavlov,

I'm not sure if the following helps, and I really feel for you and your bub, glad you had a fab time at Hyde park, I was there too and loved it.

1. You are pregnant and really need to take care of yourself and you have been really unwell.

1. First, before you even think about discussing anything with your dh, I would examine carefully what you want, as others have said.

1. Some answers to these questions would be helpful: What do I want from my dh? What do I want? What do I need?

1. If confronting him

?What do I really want to come from this conversation?? 
?What results am I trying to achieve??
?Why??
?What relationship do I want to have with my him, my kids??

6, Be honest with yourself and answer the questions truthfully. Realise your intentions are mostly about shared issues, not just his. Tell him what you need and want and let him figure out if he is going to provide what you want / need. Ask him what he wants/needs from you.

Start by sharing the facts as you see them, and check out your assumptions or story with a question. For example, ?you?ve seemed down and unhappy, or whatever...
Be tentative in your observations. try not to make accusations. Despite my best efforts in the nagging dept,
I have to say that for me it never works.

1. You have been together 10 years, married for not yet 2 years, so I am sure he has some qualities .. even if they are very well hidden... that made you commit to him. You are part of a family and I think that work is massively tied to people's self esteem, and it is major decision for you to decide what to stick at things, and when to give up. I think that if he got just in a job then things may look up, it is so very hard getting work in this market. It really is a full time occupation just getting a job. I really hope things can work out for you. But while he is looking you need some other commitment - such as to set some expectations that are key to you - for example, if you are sick and you want a tidy house, then that is something that he should be able to provide, no excuses.

Take care of yourself

Pinkfizzle -thank you so much for that, it was a really supportive post. The thing is, this thread is a real downer thread on DH and it does not in the slightest touch upon the qualities of DH, only the negatives. The positives are huge, otherwise, as you said, I would not have married him. The things that are negative in our marriage right now are so big that I have obviously emphasised the things that prey on my mind, but certainly have not meant there are no positives, there are. If there were no positives I would not feel so shit about it all, I would just leave him. He is a great guy, but these issues are ones that are all encompassing in our life as they are so fundamental, as you rightly say - work is defining to us. And funny thing is, you have just emphasised things to me which I should know. I work with vulnerable people, some of which have to deal with negative relationships, and I advise this stuff. But it can become invisible when it applies to you, when emotions cloud things can't it. Thanks for refreshing me about communication, its easy to lose that.

On a very positive note. I went to a baby shower today, for the whole afternoon and part of the evening. This morning, I cooked with DD some things to take, and then DD and I popped into town.

I have not nagged him any further about work or the house, nor have I huffed and puffed as I tidied.

While I cooked, DH cleaned the kitchen, swept the floor, put on some washing. While I was out he started cleaning the bedroom which is so messy it is actually quite dangerous (have building work going on so its a store room).

I came back from the baby shower to find the bedroom looking lovely, the hallway clean and hoovered, kitchen still tidy (ish), DD ready for bed.

I am seriously wondering if he has had a sneaky peek at MN (he does not know my login, but knows my username, he is not the type to do that, but I still wonder }, or whether its the complete lack of nagging or huffiness.

I do not know if it will last, I sincerely doubt it, but it lifted me to see him wanting to do something. Maybe I have been on his case too much.

Hi there, Yippee for your Dh making a greater effort - no harm if he did sneak a peak at mumsnet, maybe he woke up this morning and smelt the coffee, but long may his supportive efforts continue especially as all of you at home will get to enjoy the positive benefits.

It is excellent that you and your bub got out and about to the baby shower.

Best of luck with the building work too.... I found having building work in my home intrusive as well as a tremendous amount of stress and chaos and that was without a baby on the way. Get me in a DIY store with my DH and I start to panic with flashbacks of renovations.

Take care.

Glad to hear it, Pavlov. Hope it continues. I would seriously back off about showing him jobs and then nagging him to apply for them, too. I know it's hard not to, but he might just step up to the plate.

pinkfizzle oh he had DD, I went all on my lonesome, well apart from the girlies.

expat i can't for a moment think this is it, but this thread has certainly given my a fresh perspective on how I might need to handle it, and to think about how I might handle it further if it continues to be a problem, think seriously about what I want. And what yesterday did was show, that my DH is there somewhere, what he did was enough to make me feel hopeful. Not convinced, but hopeful.

Pink - the building work is obtrusive, also a financial drain on resources (although cheaper than moving, as we originally intended until DH lost his job), which I also panic about I guess. The builders are here every day in the week from 7:45am to 5pm. I am sure that is not helping matters. And its going to be a week longer than anticipated due to unforseen complications, so still got another 4 weeks to go. But we keep reminding ourselves of how much better things will be once it is all finished.

But what I am going to also stop doing for DH is, as well as nagging, hassling about housework and applying for jobs, I am going to stop making excuses for him, so he can start seeing how much his own behaviour is affecting things. I will not blow smoke up his ass any more, as he would put it!

Hi Pavlov,

I've just read through the thread and it seems that your situation has started to turn a little, perhaps its the backing off or perhaps DH has read MN but keep it up... I know myself that if I 'nag' my other half I end up really wound up and it doesn't really achieve anything but its hard not to do it as they can take so long to come around to your way of thinking...

What i would echo though is all the posters who have commented on the savings... I think you NEED to take half the savings money and put into your account. Not half of what is there now but half of what was there at the start. Why should he spend all of what you both saved whilst off work on beer etc, you can then use your half of the savings for what you want, such as time off when baby arrives and it would excellerate the urgency of him needing to bring in some income when his beer money has gone...

good luck

I will talk to him about the savings. Much of it is going towards the loft conversion which we need to do as we cannot move due to loss of job, and to be honest even when he works, he could lose it again (he was only in his last job 5 months before they made him redundant) and this could happen again so we cannot risk increasing mortgage etc on a bigger place even when he is working, not straight away. So with baby on the way, we need the additional room.

I think that is why I am so worried about the rest being flitted away, it disappears so easily - it could reduce our mortgage payments (some of it is on the mortgage already) and make our expenditure a little easier.

We talked again today, he brought it up, said he thinks its about time he got any ol job I am sure he has snuck a look now! But I am surprised he is not angry at me for talking about it all on MN, that is the only thing that makes me think he has not. That, and the fact that he has not actually done any looking for said any old jobs today!