I am a bit fed up, DH is being a bit selfish I think and don't really know what to do, just a moan really.

[PavlovtheForgetfulCat]

I was going to put it in AIBU, but firstly I am probably been a bit unreasonable, and he is too, and I am not in the mood for a flaming, and secondly, even if I am being unreasonable I don't really care, I feel these feelings and they are real regardless of the reasons. I just need to rant and I am sure I will feel much better!

DH is out of a job. He has been out of a job since january, he has applied for the odd job here and there, but to give him credit the job market is not good here in Devon, there are lots of people going for the same jobs. But he is also not applying for everything he possibly can. He says he is too old to start again doing a teenagers job, he has pride and why should he lose his pride?

Luckily we had a little in savings to tide us over. but it feels like he seems to think he won't have to sort out work until this money disappears completely. It was not what it was for.

I am 20 weeks pregnant. I have been working 32 hours a week since I went back to work when DD was 9 months old, she is now 3. I have suffered from hyperemesis, and have only just in the last few weeks felt well enough to stat living again, returned to work, have more energy.

Since DH has been house husband he has been responsible for DD and the cleaning/tidying of the house. He is great at looking after DD, but the housework he is useless at. The house has been chaos and I have not until recently had the energy to clean it (we also have building work going on so it is messier than normal due to storage issues). DH has tried in his view to keep on top of it, and he has looked after me, and it is not a skill of his, cleaning. He cleans, but not tidies if you get that. And he cooks most days for both DD and us, although often DD gets a quick thrown together something.

But my problem is that he does not spend all day every day cleaning, socialising DD (she is not at nursery as we had to withdraw her before she was 3 due to finances), looking for work. But he goes out to see friends, our friends, they come to visit, he drinks lots of tea, and he spends a LOT of time on the computer playing his computer games, probably does around 1 hour of cleaning/tidying/washing/etc a day if I am lucky, I come home from work and have to do more, to keep on top of it. DH does enough to feel justified in getting arsey about it when I moan, he feels he looks after DD and that is enough. He does not spend much time looking for work at all, I have no idea how much time when I am not here, but I know I often point out jobs for him, and he does not always bother to apply.

He goes out a lot in the evening, and since I have been ill it has occured more and more. We have argued extensively and had some arguments that came close to us splitting (he threatened to leave as he did not like my attitude). He promised he would not go out all the time, and when he is in we would spend more time together.

Anyway, we had a great weekend, we went to Hyde Park festival on sunday, got back late sunday night/early morning, I had the day off work, I then worked hard for DDs birthday, went out shopping for bits while he 'looked after DD' at a friends house, in the garden drinking tea. The next day, he went out to finish off and DD and I slept for 3 hours as I was exhausted and he was very pissed off that I had slept all afternoon instead of preparing for DDs birthday party the next day.

Tuesday (same day) he went out in the evening for a couple of hours to help a friend move.
Wednesday he went out to visit a friend for the evening 'so you can have an early night, I know you are tired'
thursday he went out to visit a friend as he has not seen him for a while.
this afternoon (after I worked an additional day at work) he asked for some 'me' time, sure I said, and he then came up to the park with DD and I. He then said 'i am going out for a bit ok?' and I said 'where' and he said 'to the xx pub to sit in the beer garden and have a beer with friends'

And I felt so jealous. He has such a social life, is spending our savings as all my money is going on bills, he does not do enough in the house for my liking, he is not looking for work. He is not providing for his family. If he does not work soon I will have to forfeit some maternity leave.

He always makes out like he is going out to 'give me space' 'he knows I am tired' or he is on the computer, and when I challenge him he says I am paranoid and he gets defensive and we argue and he turns it around, he says I am ungrateful for what he does, he does more than I realise, He thinks I want him to stop seeing people, or having a life, because I don't have one, because I am too tired in the evening to go out myself. I probably do to be honest.

God that was very long and its not even half of what I feel. If I say anything to him we will just argue. There is no way I can stop an argument, I cannot seem to explain to him what I feel without him turning it around.

Imagine yourself, doing all this, getting all worked up like this, and with a newborn into the equation.

'Alternatively can you live on just your wages in the longer term, and if so what changes will you have to make?'

They already are living off her wages.

He's using their savings to fund his layabout lifestyle.

He doesn't give a toss that she'll have to forfeit some of her maternity leave.

I mean can they live without using savings and if so what changes does that involve - eg no more pub visits, dh doing more housework etc so as to make the position sustainable...might spur him into finding a job if he confronts reality

She's tried that approach. He doesn't want to know.

How utterly grim for you. I read the first post and thought 'Well people always say, don't be picky, take any job that;s going but if someone previously had a preofessional/high-earning job it is acutally not that easy to get any old job. People with vacancies for minimum wage/entrylevel/shitwork jobs don;t actually want qualified, experienced professionals and often won;t hire them.
But reading the rest of the thread I see that the problem is your H thinks that because he has a cock, he matters more than you. So, even though he's not earning any income for the family, he's the important one in the household and therefore you shoudl indulge him and understand his selfishness need for time alone.
Do have a think about the maths and the timing and all that, and how much better off you might be if you didn;t have to pay for his social life and pick up his laundry.

Really - would I be better off financially without him? I would say probably. Would I be less stressed? Well when I leave the house half tidy I would return to it half tidy. I would buy half the amount of food we currently buy. But, I would not be happier without him, I know I am not happy right now, I am stressed, I am worried about the future, I am worried with my decreased salary we could lose our home in the future if I can't get a mortgage to cover the loan, as we are eating our savings which would have been added to the mortgage. DH says we wont lose our home as it would never get that far, he could always talk to his mum. But I don't want that. I don't want helping hands if we can do it ourselves. I want to do it ourselves. It is our life. And yes if we are stuffed and we have tried what we can then I would gladly take support from his mother in the form of a loan, but not without us being able to say hand on heart we are in shit financial times and we did all that was in our power to avoid getting there. He just waits for things to sort themselves out. He does not get that they wont.

If we are together and he is not working I will most likely have to go back to work full time, or close to. I wanted to reduce my hours to 25-28 to spend time with the new baby and also have time with DD, take her and pick her up from school when she starts etc.

We have already made the changes we can possibly make to reduce our income. If he stops going drinking beer completely it will save a little but not enough to fix it. And he will be miserable if he has no life, or course who wants to be a nothing, do nothing, but I certainly don't either.

He just does not get that getting a job will mean he can have a social life and stop our relationship effing up.

I think really it is not the housework. It is the housework that he should be doing while not working. But you are all right, its the lack of work and lack of effort here that is the problem not the housework.

Can a 10 year relationship really break down in 6 months?

The thing is, when things are good with us, things are great.

As a family, we have a lot of fun, a LOT of fun, even now with things how they are. When I am not stressed about work or the house, or not vomiting due to sickness. We go to the beach a lot, we go out for walks in the woods, we watch dvds together, have family weekend cuddles, we don't argue all the time, like it probably sounds like we do. But when we do argue, they are about the same seemingly unresolvable things. And these things prey on my mind all the time, they fester at the back of my mind all the time even when we are having fun. We have fun when I am not nagging. Or when I am not upset about him not working. When I ignore it.

I don't want to lose all the good things we have. We have a fantastic daughter, and I want us to be a family with the new baby too. I don't want to lose him. But it feels like I already am. I just want him back, and I cannot make him see it is him that is fucking it all up, not me. Not my hormones, not me causing arguments through being grumpy or angry or having an 'attitude'. We got married less than 2 years ago because we felt we had a future together, because we wanted to show the world we are united in everything we do.

Sorry another post.

We spent some time talking last night. Not too heavy, I did not want another argument. I asked him if he has applied for the jobs he saw in the paper this week and he said not yet but he will.

He then said he was considering becoming a teacher, we talked about this before, but he was unsure if he would be good at it. He said that he has been thinking about how perhaps he needs to change tack and do something different, see things with fresh eyes. I really think something like this will be good for him, and i think he would be a good teacher, but i just fear it is talk talk talk. If he does it, great, but if he does not, then its just another dream. But at least we did not argue.

when i thought i was going to have to give up my career earlier this yr due to ill helath, i was prepared to do anything to bring the money in we needed.

If treatment for my loss of vision was not sucessful i would go blind in one eye evntually.
This means that i couldn't do my voctional careere any more.

Do you know what- i was happy to clan houses/offices/whatever just to make ends meet.

I think your DH is being an arse over th e work TBH. working is working, whatever it is doing.
You can be proud of yourslef inside and the owrk is irrelevnat.

I think to say you are too proud to sweep the streets/clean/manual labour/.whaever is just olain dumb. Bringing money in and looking after a family is a way to be proud fo onesef.

agree completely with expat here with nobs on re the work.

Sorr, pavolv, he does need some sort of shaking up- will one of his working mates help you out on this??

Pavolov, things are 'great' between you when this man is getting his own way. He thinks he matters more than you, end of - so of course things will not be great when you ask him to exert himself for your benefit. He is fundamentally selfish and that is not something that will actually change. You see, he;s not worried about the situation right now, it suits him perfeclty well. He can do what he likes while you support him, and he can make some vague promises or maybe come home with a bunch of petrol station flowers to shut you up when you start 'nagging/whining' - and his mother will bail him out as well.
At some point, he will get a job and you will 'get your H back' but he will actually still be the same person. It will just be that because he is earning an income the source of your worries (about losing the house) will be alleviated however he will still be doing as he likes and expecting you to indulge him.

Pavlov, what a horrible time for you just now. I think your DH sounds like he needs things spelt out clearly to him and although this may cause an initial argument I think you will feel a whole lot better if you calmly say how the situation is making you feel. Men often need things spelt out clearly ( a bit like children ). Tell him how you feel and what he can do to help you feel better, tell him what your expectations are for his behaviour and for your life together as a family.

If that doesn't work I'd consficate the savings by transfering them into your account so he can't spend them on leisure activities. Why should you have to cut short your maternity time with your new baby cos hubby has spent it on frivolities. I'd also refuse to do any housework apart from what you and DD need done e.g clean clothes.

When I fell pregnant and working 11 hour days my hubby wasn't working. Eventually after a big chat he started to take responsibility for ALL housework. However you will need to accept that his standards will not be the same as yours.

I really hope you can sort this out with him he should be providing for his family in some form and if that is not financial then he needs to do it in other ways.

Solid pretty much sums it up.

You keep saying, I want him to be XYZ, I want H back, I want . . .

Well, there's what you want and what you have.

He wants to be a teacher. He doesn't want to take work he considers beneath him. He hasn't applied for available jobs, but he will!

Do you see a pattern here?

He's finding all sorts of ways not to work.

It's possible to become a teacher and work, even if only part-time or at weekends. Not pleasant. But if needs must. My sister had to do this because, needs must. She worked in a bar. And yes, she has two children and a husband.

Now she's a teacher.

Since you're pretty much stuck with the situation, maybe you should try to get some counselling to learn how to not get stressed being married to a person like this, because he's made it very clear that, no matter what you want, he's happy with who he is.

And who he is happens to be lazy and selfish.

'And he will be miserable if he has no life, or course who wants to be a nothing, do nothing, but I certainly don't either.'

So, in other words, you're okay with paying for him to have this life.

Because he's not working and earning the means to pay for having a life.

Hell, you know what? Most of us work and work and don't have a 'life' like he has, swanning around all day, pretty much every day, hanging out in pubs and cafes.

We can't afford it because we chose to have kids.

It has to be a rare treat because, hello?! we're grown ups who have chosen to have a family and, as life is a trade off, some things have to change as a result.

I'd be VERY tempted to flog his computer games console and use the money to pay some bills.. but that would just be me being very petty.

On the one hand I can see where the house getting messy is tough for him - my DS creates mess wherever he goes, and whats the point in tidying it up till he goes to bed !! I also struggle to do ANY work while looking after DS. I've just started seeing patients of my own and it's impossible putting treatment plans together while DS is around, so I can kind of see how difficult it would be to do applications for him. I usually do bits in the evening if I have the energy, but TBH mostly I'm too knackered. However, I DO usually manage to find an hour or so to MN... helps me keep sane.

However, he is NOT pulling his weight. Maybe you could show him this thread ? Make him understand where you're coming from ?

I don't know that I'm offering any useful advice - but thought I could perhaps put into perspective that sometimes it's difficult to do stuff in the day with a DC.

'This needing as life' thing would drive me potty however - surely his family IS his life ?

expat - i know, i know. You know what though, if he did ALL the housework, if he took DD to toddler groups every day, if he did all the DIY and made sure he did proper weekly shopping to save money, did not live the life of riley while I work/struggle with a horrid pregnancy I would be happy to pay for him not to work, insane as that sounds.

I would not support him becoming a teacher through the conventional route of pgce - i woud expect him to earn a wage as a support teacher or on the job training etc. I would also love to have a career change/wanted to up my career but could not afford to do so, even though I know I would be bloody good at what I want to do and have wanted to do it for a long time. I will absolutely not fund him to change his career. He will have to contribute or find another way of doing it. You are right there for sure.

I just cannot leave the housework though. I am ok with living in a relative mess, but I cannot live in a shithole, I just will not live like that.

It is certainly not easy for him looking after DD at home, but its not ALL day every day. I work currently 10-4 as I am on reduced hours due to medication/hyperemesis although this will change back to normal hours in due course. but even then, I have tuesday afternoons and Fridays off work, and try to do stuff with DD then, so he has time then to catch on housework, do job applications. While I have been unwell, he has had to look after DD at this time and she can be demanding. I know that, but i work, then look after DD, then have no me time myself either.

Pavlov, what part of Devon are you in? I was just wondering if it would be possible to get him to do a job that he considered 'beneath him' if it were only a temporary one? Because I'm in south Devon and the tourist season is getting underway, and so there are a fair few seasonal positions cropping up. Perhaps if he could see an end to it, and knew that he could apply for other things at the same time but also bring in a bit of money, it might be something you could put across as a bit of a compromise?

I used to work in the job centre and I remember how hard it was for the men (and women) of a certain age who were looking for work and realising that they might have to take a severe cut in status/income. I don't underestimate the impact it can have on self esteem.

I know that you've had some horrible arguments, but would it be possible to have a calm conversation about what his priorities really are? I mean, almost to the point of agreeing what the important things in his life are, i.e. family, friends, pride, house, income etc, and then asking him to rank them in order of importance. If he's putting his head in the sand, having arguments will just make him burrow even deeper, but maybe a calm assessment of the situation might be harder for him to shout against? It might force him to acknowledge, 'yes, my pride is number three/four/five on the list' and then let him do the logic.

My boyfriend and I sat down and went through his budget recently, as things are really tight for him at the moment. It was hard for him - it took all night (we used that Martin's Money Tips Excel document) but seeing it there in black and white - how much he was spending on stuff and the effect of that over a year - really shocked him and made him change a lot of his spending habits. Little things in a way, but now when he wants to buy a magazine or something, he looks at it and thinks 'Oh, that's £x of my weekly food budget', for example, and it does seem to make a difference to his mental attitude.

Don't know if any of this is helpful - sorry to hear what you're going through.

expat and solid speak sense. Sense is really hard to see, when you are in a situation which you 'think' is normal. ie the way he is. I am 40 yrs old and have only just, with repeated reading on here, realised alot of things about my ex's similar behaviour.

it's basically called, behaving like a kid, and you are the mum. You don't want to belive you are being like that, 'enabling' them, but I know I was. You just can't get it into your head that they really could be that selfish. We all get 'lost' and want to change the course of our lives, we all change to some extent. Yet we don't all throw the towel in, cause upset to do it.

'I just cannot leave the housework though. I am ok with living in a relative mess, but I cannot live in a shithole, I just will not live like that.'

It's a palaver, then, because from what you've said on this thread, pulling teeth from an elephant is going to be easier than getting this man to pull his weight (it is not helping out, it's doing one's share).

Pavlov, yes where are you? Weaver, where are you I am in south devon too, South Hams.

Hi ipiratethief, I'm just on the edge of South Hams - grew up in Totnes but can't afford to live there now .

ah, I am in town of k. are you plym side, or tot side, of hams.

You're making excuses for him now, Pavlov.

He's part-time looking after one child! He has no idea what a piece of piss that is!

I have a 3-year-old, she can demanding, too, but it's pretty easy when I just have her to get quite a lot of housework done.

I even manage to cook tea with three of them - an 8-month-old baby, a 6-year-old and a three-year-old.

A lot of us on here do!

My husband works shifts and it's tourist season, so I'm on my own many an evening getting all three of them bathed and in bed.

Let's break out the violins!

we are in south devon - it is touristy. He said when he was made redundant, he was so upset about not providing, he said he promised he would do anything to keep us on track. He said he would look at shelf stacking at night to give him days to cover any childcare and to search for a better job. He tried really hard to make it work for a few weeks. Then seemed resigned to the fact it was not going to happen and slipped into this pattern. He has no routine.

The thing i don't even think he is happy with things like this. I don't think he enjoys himself, I think he just fills in time. I really do. He just can't be bothered to change things.

plym side.

I know I am making excuses. I always try to see things from his perspective, make sure I am not being a harpy, being selfish myself. I can be demanding, i do want things done my way, I am not the most appreciating, or sympathetic person in the world and I try to clarify that its not just me being pigheaded and seeing it from my POV only.

But I know I make excuses for him.

So what next? i just want it to all stop being like this. I am fed up with arguments, with feeling bitter and annoyed. I would quite like to start feeling like we will make some progress in the future. I never considered myself as someone who did the holding together of the fort. I thought it would be more equal. And, if I am truthful, I would quite like to be looked after and spoilt a little , I don't mean with flowers - i mean being able to cut my hours back and be a mum more full time, not being expected to do everything.