Years of sex without kissing.... why can't I find anything on it? Am I the only one who is suffering from this form of emotional abuse?

[psych101]

Just wondering if anyone wants to discuss this topic? Am I the only one who has resorted to sex without intimacy? 10 years of marriage, and the last 8 years of marriage without kissing, not even before, during or after sex, in any form.

I've searched many forms on emotional abuse, but I really want to discuss this topic, because I haven't heard of anyone else having to experience this...

DH is very controlling, and emotionally abusive.. but I need to discuss the 'no kissing part' any takers???

Thanks for all the comments!! It sure does help... SolidGold, yes... all of the above, unfortunately.. and I have spent hours on here talking about that as well. I could write a list of nasty things he's said and done to me, or my friends / family.

That is why it was so important for me to bring up the 'no kissing' issue in this context. (keeping in mind that just not liking kissing isn't the same thing)

Honestly, he was very passionate before we were married, that is why I married him!

HELLO CRYSTAL! Wow, so you know exactly how I feel... how terrible for you, I'm really glad therapy worked out for you, because I can relate to how you were feeling probably before you went. My therapist said that he just doesn't like kissing, and it's normal for your relationship. hmmm... not the relationship I want though.

As someone else mentioned on this thread to me, you can find someone who would appreciate you more. I know that I don't want to live forever like this, and we're not getting any younger, that's for sure.

It was very important for me to confirm that in (albeit rare cases) that a part of emotional abuse can be 'witholding affection / intimacy' when present with other signs of the abuse as well.

It almost gives me that little bit more of strength that I need, because when you are beat down emotionally, verbally, and threatened for so many years, you really do become a different person, and not so easy to make a strong / valid decision without second-guessing it.
Thanks for listening

HBLB: Yes, I think it does come from that film (which I always seem to remember was called fanny by gaslight but perhaps the name has been changed for modern sensibilities...)

Hello Psych and Crystal, I feel the same way. Not just about kissing, but about intimacy and sex in general.

My partner is very stressed from work since DS was born. He also has a much higher sex drive than me, since DS was born my sex drive has been practically zero - I'm not even interested in masturbation (sorry if TMI). He seems to react to this by texting me asking for "fun" several times a day which is irritating in the extreme. He used to hump me (like a jack russell humps your leg) in bed as well until I asked him to stop because it was really the least sexy thing I'd ever experienced!

We don't have an issue with kissing as such - he wants to kiss - but it's never a nice delicate intimate kiss, it's more a sexual kiss which seems to go on for ages, I find it suffocating, the other day I was trying to get away and he noticed and I said I do like kissing but it's like you have to do it all the time - can't we just look at each other for a minute, but his reaction was like, why would we want to do that? I told him he could touch anywhere on my body except my boobs, bum & pussy and I actually did start to enjoy it but the next time, he didn't seem to remember, he just goes straight for my "bits" which I don't want, I'd rather just get him over and done with and not bother with me, especially if it's going to be like that.

I am so fed up of the fact that every time we interact he seems to think it should be sexual. We never ever do anything non sexual together any more. I keep saying I will start my own support thread and not doing it

Sorry this is quite rambly/garbled and not very good grammar-wise.

I think the question you need to ask is who could stay with an emotionally abusive and controlling man for 8 years?

I can't even get to the 'not kissing' bit because if someone was abusive and controlling, think that would be very low down my list (or at least should be very low down)

and in your lose lose situation, you forgot to mention the damage it's doing to yourself staying in the relationship too - you can't always think of everyone else, at some point you need to think of yourself too.

I think in my case it is that DP needs sex to feel loved & valued and therefore relax enough to be intimate, but I need the intimacy there before I even vaguely want the sex so we are at a stalemate. He thinks that sex is intimacy so doesn't seem to understand when I try to explain.

Cherrychoc this is a fairly common problem, and a key factor in it is: does your H pull his wieght domestically? If he doesn't, then it's no wonder you don't want sex; sex has become one more service he expects from you.

Op i remember you from the Ea thread.
I noticed some posters comment about the no kissing,,no sex face to face.
I was like this, it was actually me who refused to kiss him and didnt really want to be intimate with him.

Looking back this was for a variety of reasons, i couldnt be affectionate with him as it would lead to groping and letchy type behaviour, he was also extremeley emotonally abusive, although i didnt recognise this at the time.

However, since then, i have dated, and find myself not wanting to kiss whatsoever.Maybe its an intimacy thing for me now.
No use whatsoever, just thinking out loud, sorry .

CherryChoc, I feel for your situation as well. Even though it's different, if we really think about it,.... it's the same because you still don't get intimacy, just groping... perhaps you should try and cut him off until he 'gets it', or understands what you mean by intimacy., i've heard of your situation before also.... I'm pretty sure that counselling would help for sure, because at least the will is there, and he 'wants' to kiss.. even though he doesn't know when to quit!!!

Ya, I was on the other EA thread, I hop on when I'm feeling down and need to talk, because it keeps me sane. (if that's the spelling)
thank-you FoxinSocks, I tend to (like the rest of us mums) forget about myself, and only focus on everyone around me. Guess we need to look out for ourselves as well, otherwise what good will we be if / when we crumble???

I will research aspergers / autism, it's a good point, but think it's more cultural thing rather. He is very old-school traditional (insert his race here) and it stems back from his father. He is, and I've told him this, a carbon-copy of his father. I remember listening to his dad going-off on his wife for hours, and hours. Didn't understand what he was saying, but I sure got the tone. His mum would just sit and listen to it, because that's what you do. So.......... that's more than likely why.

My thing is that I am so darned proud, that I don't want to go to therapy (again...) because the way I see it is you can't MAKE someone want to kiss you right??? I don't want him to force himself to want to be face to face with me, or 'intimate'. So I know I have to leave and end the relationship, and try to carry on with my life because I feel like it's on hold right now. I can't possibly think of the future, and that's not right either.

Hello jaydulwich, if you don't mind my asking... has he shown any other signs of 'meaness'?? Forgive me, as I'm in a mood tonight.. but I think it's so selfish of them..

Is he doing this to punish you??

sorry.... I had to cut short as H was coming into the room! I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, especially because you still love him. I've been there.. just like you.. many years ago. And the kissing stopped short just like that, and then SEX started being more his 'preference' everytime. And now it's ALWAYS his preference.

I feel for you, because I know how hurtful it is. Really, really hurtful, like your insides are being pulled out. I remember that feeling all to well....

Please know that it isn't your fault.. it's his issue, and who knows why they do this??

That's why I asked if he shows other signs of emotional abuse.. if you've only been together for a short time (few years) then it could be the 'very' beginning stages of abuse.. OR I could be totally wrong, but the fact that he just stopped cold like that leads me to believe that it could be more..

If I were to do it all over again......... I would have left my H. long ago when he first stopped the affection and intimacy. Now I'm a co-dependent, and need to leave.

Hi OP I haven't read the whole thread yet, will do that ASAP. My P is emotionally, sometimes physically abusive. I won't let him kiss me, though we do have sex. Kissing is very intimate, and I don't want him near me. Your bloke is punishing you as part of the abuse, to make you feel upset and rejected. This is typical. Will read it all when the kids stop whittering on!

I've been going thru this for the past year, after being together for over 10 years. It really hurts me that suddenly he stopped kissing me during sex, and sex is only when he wants to have it. I often think of the Pretty Woman movie and also on Nip and Tuck when they say that Not Kissing is a control thing, and only wanting to have sex while he can't see your face is just an extension of his hand. I wonder if many men rather Masturbate and take care of themselves without having to think about their partner. It all seems pretty self centered to me. I guess this is why I don't push getting married as much as I use to dream of all the time. I Love him and he surely knows it... I guess once again, I'm afraid of being used and not truly loved. I keep telling myself that some men aren't good at showing their feelings. BUT, he was excellent at showing his feelings for 10 of our 11 years. Any suggestions? Yes, I've asked him Why and I never get a reason.

This is an old thread.

Hi, 101. I've only skimmed your thread and can see you're getting replies from some great posters. Your problem made me feel very sad for you. There's a reason why most prostitutes won't kiss, and that's because kissing brings intimacy to sex, which (oddly, perhaps) is absent in the act itself. In your shoes, I'd feel very bereft. And I'd suspect he was avoiding it for the same reason as the prostitutes :(

You've told him how much it means to you, you've shown him, yet he makes a show of NOT kissing you. I'm afraid, then, that this is all part and parcel of his abuse. He doesn't kiss because he knows you want him to

I have some experience of how you feel: my first husband acted this way for several months. It turned out he was having an affair. I'm not saying your H is, but the general condition of feeling "less" due to emotional abuse is the same, regardless of its cause. Poor you.

I wonder which is worse actually. My DH will kiss me, albeit like he might kiss an aged aunt, although it is a peck on the lips, goodbye, hello and goodnight but he doesnt have sex with me . Has hardly and I DO mean hardly, been near me for a few years. He knows how I feel, sad, unloved and neglected, yes he too is emotionally abusive. Super intelligent I have often wondered if he has aspergers. I think I would rather forego the kisses and have the sex to be honest at least I think I would then feel desirable. One thing for sure, those of us staying with these abusive men are crazy but its finding the strength to leave that is the problem.

I only stopped kissing my ex once I knew it was over and would never be good again. And for ages before that it was just a routine peck on the lips as a goodnight. I stopped kissing him because I knew I felt nothing for him and it would have felt duplicitous to carry on doing that knowing how I felt inside.

For me personally, kissing is a barometer of how the relationship is doing, and if I stop wanting to kiss my partner I KNOW something's really wrong. For me, it has always signalled the end, or the beginning of the end. I love love love kissing and could happily do it all day, so no I could never remain in a relationship where it was entirely absent.

Having said that, I don't think you can isolate it from his other behaviours, and it goes hand in hand from them and stems from his emotionally abusive mindset. You should be asking a different question: "Why have I decided to stay in a loveless controlling relationship for 8 years? What is stopping me from leaving?"

Yes, Cheerful, and that's why we so often recommend the Bancroft book. It doesn't tell you what to do - it helps you gain perspective, which has become eroded after years of confusion!

Not entirely sure what you want from this thread - encouragement to leave? Because if he is emotionally abusive and controlling, then yes, I wholeheartedly encourage you to get out of there. Validation that not kissing can be EA? Yes, absolutely. When it's done to reject someone and refuse imtimacy, it's just another way to abuse.

old thread

Oh blimey, I dunnit again
Really SHOULD look at the dates!

I have been in the same situation as you.My hubby didnt kiss me either in fact he never showed me any affection at all. He was physically and mentally abusive towards me, he only touched me when he wanted to have sex wich wasnt that often and as i was stupidly in love with him even after the way he treated me i mistook this for love. I let him get away with to much! kissing somebody is a way of expressing your love for another person. So i dont think he ever loved me!

Honestly, i think kissing is boring after a while. Years down the line I don't really see much point in it. I just prefer touching and carressing. I think kissing is exciting with a new partner when you are first starting out sexually. Guess in the old days it was one thing you were allowed to do as sex was often taboo until marriage or much later on. Just how I feel - but feel the way your feeling is really much more than about kissing.