Years of sex without kissing.... why can't I find anything on it? Am I the only one who is suffering from this form of emotional abuse?

[psych101]

Just wondering if anyone wants to discuss this topic? Am I the only one who has resorted to sex without intimacy? 10 years of marriage, and the last 8 years of marriage without kissing, not even before, during or after sex, in any form.

I've searched many forms on emotional abuse, but I really want to discuss this topic, because I haven't heard of anyone else having to experience this...

DH is very controlling, and emotionally abusive.. but I need to discuss the 'no kissing part' any takers???

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

Can't blame you for wanting to talk about it, it does sound like an unpleasant situation. But remember that you're only in it for as long as you want to be in it. I hope you'll find the strength to get out some day soon and find the affectionate man who is out there waiting for you.

[SOLOisMeredithGrey]

I couldn't imagine being married and not not kissing for 8 years. However! I had little in the way of kissing with exh1 and he was very abusive. I did also find that although I could have sex with exh2, kissing wasn't right towards tthe end of our relationship. It felt more intimate/personal/closer that I wanted to be than having full sex with him iyswim. It felt plain wrong.

[psych101]

thanks James.. I never really thought about the fact that someone is out there waiting for me.. I wonder if there really is???

I am happy to hear everyone's ideas on the 'no kissing for 8 years thing' because this certainly isn't a topic I can really bring up with friends or family. I've tried, but most people just brush it off, probably b/c they just don't want to know what goes on behind closed doors.

Even my mom just listened, but didn't really offer advice, nor has she ever said that I should leave. She didn't say much at all actually. I'm been pretty alone with this situation. When I spoke to a therapist a few years ago, she just said that some relationships are different, and this may be one of them. I agree, but it isn't okay if it makes you feel bad.

[SOLOisMeredithGrey]

It would make me sad now...life is so short, it's a shame to feel sad about something that you can change(by getting out of it and finding the one that wants to snog your face off).

[Slashtrophe]

My exp and I stopped all kissing. We did kisses on the cheek, but during sex we actually very rarely even looked at each other, let alone kissed. Twas the beginning of the end. When I told him I wanted to go, and cited that as an example of why I thought we had an unhealthy relationship and he then tried to start kissing me again but I just didn't want him to do it by then.

Its like the Cher song, its in his kiss. It tells you a lot.

There were a million other issues obviously. But its not a good sign if you don't want to have that intimacy with each other.

[MsF]

I have been with DH for 23 years... I have never enjoyed 'intimate kissing' (lip to lip) during or after sex. I hate lovebites too...

DH wishes i did...we have discussed it....we have 'compomised'.... we kiss elsewhere.

I find kissing mouth to mouth is very 'suffocating' .... 'domineering'... and have never felt relaxed.

just wanted to explain that a marriage can survive without kissing...mouth to mouth....

hope i help.

[Slashtrophe]

Thats a bit different though - MsF - its something you have 'never' enjoyed, so fair enough. If there is a big change from doing it before it may well indicate a change in feelings.

[psych101]

I appreciate all comments!! It's so nice to talk about it with someone.. believe me! Yes.. some just don't like kissing, and that's OKAY. But he does, just not anymore with me. He definitely has intimacy issues. And sex is NEVER face to face. So can you imagine that for years, and years!!

Sometimes I wonder how I've lasted for so long.. but I'm okay, two wonderful children keep me going. I know I would be better off without him.

What I really needed is someone to tell me that it is okay to not want to stay with someone for that reason, along with many other reasons.

If her were to date someone new, he would kiss her, and he would enjoy it too.

I feel degraded by him, especially the no face contact during sex, and the no kissing, and then he has said many mean things in the past, and present.

Sorry to ramble, just makes me feel better. I guess b/c I promised myself no more sex with him, but I caved last night,.... it was a long time due!!!

[psych101]

ps. I'm on North American time, so I know it's late for most. I will keep checking the thread, it's such an amazing site, and very helpful in gaining needed strength.

[psych101]

boywonder, I'm sorry to hear that for you... I think it is human nature to want to feel physical / emotional affection..

have you suggested counselling to her?

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

Well with regards to splitting with him, children house etc., all I can say is that children learn from their parents, how to conduct adult relationships.

So your kids are learning to have relationships without intimacy and with a degree of emotional abuse.

If you think that's worth not going through the upheaval of a split, then keep the status quo.

[psych101]

Do children notice lack of intimacy? This puts so much pressure on me, so either I break up the family, (he's a very attentive father to them) and raise them as single mom, (which works for many people), or do I stay in this relationship and further damage my children emotionally?

It's a lose, lose situation. Welcome to my world

[msdevine]

gosh how do you find it possible to still have sex. I understand trying to make it work as its so hard to think of breaking up a family but if you have already made that decision I would say just make the leap.

if you just keep staying with him for say another 10 years and then break up, you may have missed your chance to be happy with someone else.

I am all for staying together and working on relationships as i am in the process of trying to save my own relationship.

But it has to be a two way effort and it does not sound like he is bothering.

I hope you sort it out.xxx

[psych101]

Thank-you msdevine, and you're right,.. that's why I was feeling guilty b/c I did cave in. And tired of it, I don't want it like that anymore.. and would rather do without.

This is exactly what I needed, to hear advice from people, b/c it's too embarrassing to share with friends.

Best wishes with your relationship as well.. they are a work in progess. thats for sure..

[LoveBeingAMummy]

I think you can't seperate this from his other actions, it is all part of the same problem.

Do you want to live your life like this forever?

Do you want your children to see this relationship as how life should be?

Maybe you should speak to someone in rl, a cousellor, this could help you talk though all whatr is going on and help you come to some decisions.

[MadameCastafiore]

Don't have sex with him - it is about give and take - he is doing lots of taking but not giving anything.

And no he is not an attentive father because he is showing your kids a skewed idea of how a relationship is supposed to be.

You are better off doing it alone or finding someone who can be an all round good role model.

[crystalgazer]

Hi - I think you are me!! I have not kissed/been kissed by my husband for years, yes a quick peck when he leaves for work but we have sex with no intimacy etc. I am at work now and dont have time for a long post I will come back later - but I want you to know you are not the only one in the world with this issue!

[SolidGoldBrass]

He can still be a good father without being a good partner to you. When you say he is 'emotionally abusive', do you mean that he is verbally nasty to you, puts you down, criticises, gaslights? Or that he simply doesn't appear to love you romantically any more?
If it;s the latter and the couple-relationship is simply dead, then you will all be a lot happier if you negotiate an amicable split.

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

What does gaslights mean in this context?

[poshsinglemum]

If you don't like it and he knows it then it's abuse and quite cold and strange tbh. I wouldn't like it either. Who dosn't like a good snog or even a simple peck?

Why are youb with this man exactly? you say he's a abusive. I really hope you find the courage to leave him.

[crystalgazer]

Dear Psych - here is a longer version of my earlier post. I havent posted on here before although have watched this chatroom avidly for about 18 months - also i do not want to hijack your thread but it does sound like you are in a remarkably similar position to myself. I have been married for 15 years (astonishing really) and have 2 DS's. My DH has never been a good kisser he pushes himself on me rather than a 'give and take' and as a consequence we have not kissed properly - or during sex - for I cant remember how long. But it is not replaced by anything else 'intimate' e.g. neck kissing etc. In fact sex is not intimate if that can be possible - I think it was described earlier as 'assisted masturbation' which sounds awful but probably acurately describes it. After years of internal conflict and self doubt I have recently been to counselling for it to be confirmed that my DH is a classic 'passive- aggressive' and also projects his own uncertainties etc onto me - i.e. when he is doing something controlling he tells me to stop objecting as I am being controlling. This has been a huge revelation to me as it explains all those years of doubting and questioning and general internal turmoil and torment. I have come to the conclusion that despite the young age of DS's I need to get out. Having said that actually how I go about that is another question. I am now beating myself up about being complicit in my 'abuse' by not standing up for myself in this marriage. DH doesnt know I have been to counselling - I have been to scared to tell him! I need to ask him to come to counselling and am building up to that. But on the kissing point part of what has got me to this point is that I cannot continue to have sex without intimacy - and that for me means kissing. I want to give myself the opportunity to have a proper wholesome relationship where there is proper shared intimacy and kindness. I also do not want my DS's to grow up thinking the way DH treats me is how women should be treated. However I am scared about taking the next steps - I suspect its a bit like diving into a cold lake initially shocking but once you get used to it exhilarating!
Your DH sounds like he is a passive aggressive, all I can suggest is see if you can find a decent counsellor, it is worth every penny even if all it does is help you realise it has not been 'you' for all these years

[SolidGoldBrass]

Gaslighting - nasty mindgames such as telling people that what they saw/heard/felt didn't actually happen purely to mess with their heads.

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

Where does that term come from? Is it from a film called Gaslight? (Am I thinking of the right one, the one where the woman marries some bloke who tries to drive her mad?)