Years of sex without kissing.... why can't I find anything on it? Am I the only one who is suffering from this form of emotional abuse?

[psych101]

Just wondering if anyone wants to discuss this topic? Am I the only one who has resorted to sex without intimacy? 10 years of marriage, and the last 8 years of marriage without kissing, not even before, during or after sex, in any form.

I've searched many forms on emotional abuse, but I really want to discuss this topic, because I haven't heard of anyone else having to experience this...

DH is very controlling, and emotionally abusive.. but I need to discuss the 'no kissing part' any takers???

[category12]

@Louisha, you might be better starting a new thread of your own, as people will often just read the opening post and this thread is very old. It sounds like a bad relationship for you and your children.

[Louisha]

Think I might be in the same boat! I have been with my partner for 3 years wen we first got together he kissed me a few times.. then it just stopped said he didn’t like kissing we don’t kiss duen sex or any other time of the day he doesn’t cuddle me or ever tell me he loves me unless it’s in a txt.. I get put down all the time about everything ie what I wear how I look.. doesn’t take me anywhere.. I have 3 children and the youngest is his. He treats my daughter like shit and I can’t get away from it..

[Movinghouseatlast]

It's the emotional abuse you should be worrying about. You name it abuse. Please try to get some help with that. Fuck the kissing.

[Pisces17]

I was out here googling relationship without kissing and cane came across this post. The reason why i was doing a search is because i am in a similar situation myself, and it hurts. He doesn't kiss me at all , no hugs and affection, even when we have sex he doesnt even kiss or touch me to turn me on. I have addressed this many times until it came to a point where I lived with it. It creates a huge gap of affection in our relationship and it makes me sad. Sometimes wish I can go to someone that will just hug me. I make sure I brush my teeth morning and evening but he still doesn't kiss me. He once said my breath smells and none of my exes have ever had a problem with kissing me. Sometimes he says I must buy sweets for him but I feel like its his way of getting me to buy sweets for my mouth. I miss my relationships with my ex, i miss the affection, the hugs, the kissing. I dont know how to get that with him.

Im curious , its 2019, did you ever leave?

[EnjoyItAll]

why does it matter that you might be the only one in this position? finding other people in the same situation sounds like your trying to normalize his behaviour. you say he emotionally abuses you so at this point the lack of kissing is neither here nor there. have a really good think about whether your happy and if this is what you truly want from life.

[AgentJohnson]

In isolation, is no kissing abusive, nah. However, if it’s part of a pattern of controlling behaviour than it’s just that, part of his controlling arsenal. Your focus on it seems strange, as if not kissing is someone, is worse than their other controlling behaviour.

You can not change him and instead need to ask yourself why you’ve stayed in an abusive relationship. Why are you co-dependent?

[KOKOtiltomorrow]

@Suesueb- start a new thread - when people realise it's a resurrected zombie thread most won't post.

[daisychain01]

This is a Zombie thread but I'll still reply

Sue remember life is short. If something as important as intimacy is lacking, and has done for a long time, then it won't get any better. Don't look back on your life in years to come and regret not taking action. Happiness starts now, and every moment you are craving for something better is time wasted.

[Suesueb]

I have been married 19 years and have never had more than a chicken peck... I don't even want my husband to kiss me, but I do want other guys to kiss me. It really bothers me and I am considering divorce, but in some ways he is amazing. I am at a loss for what to do. I have had sex but no intimacy the whole time. We really rushed into our relationship and marriage. It has just started bothering me the last couple years.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

For me, it's not the lack of kissing, per se, it's the lack of any form of affection or intimacy that isn't sexual. As a PP said, if I try to initiate affection, it's taken as an invitation to have sex and I really do not feel sexy towards a man who basically treats me like a sister the rest of the time. It makes me feel like a prostitute (apologies to any working girls out there); I'm good enough to have sex with, but not to kiss/hand hold. snuggle up with.

I'm wondering if intimacy=sex is so bound up in his mind thathe thinks if he intiates any other kind of togetherness, like holding my hand or kissing me, that I will expect full sex. Personally, right now, I don't care if I never have sex again, tbh.

[Toomuchinfo1]

I have been there, and that is one of the reasons my relationship ended (2 boyfriends ago). I was with him for almost 10 years, and the kissing just stopped.

sorry if this is TMI but I couldn't get in the mood (mentally or physically) for sex without having a good kiss first, so our sex life was really affected, which them took its toll on our relationship as a whole, as we didn't have that closeness that sex brings to a couple. I just wanted him to grab me and snog me, but it never happened

we basically turned into friends.

some people are fine without kissing, and the thought of leaving someone for this reason seems dramatic, but for me it turned into a really important priority.

[Gillian1980]

I can't remember the last time we kissed during sex, it doesn't seem to be something either of us is bothered about.

We are very affectionate in general and kiss several times a day; hello, goodbye, night night, just because.... but we don't during sex. Never really thought about it.

If dh did initiate kissing during sex I'd certainly not refuse and vice versa I'm sure, but neither of us ever does. I don't link it with EA in our relationship as we're very happy and affectionate.

I'm not sure its something that's easily comparable for people as it will have different significance for each person and dynamics of each relationship.

[waggywag]

seriously, can you imagine if the person you loved just wanted to kiss you and you said no over and over again? I could imagine doing that maybe for a day. eight years is insane. how could you deny that to the person you love for 8 years?

what happens when you try to kiss him?

[Zaphodsotherhead]

NoKisses - I am in the same position. In fact, I was about to start a thread, my DP of five years (don't live together, no kids together) used to be affectionate, Used to kiss, hold my hand etc. Now, he doesn't even sit next to me to watch TV. Won't walk with me in the street (strides on ahead - to the extent that people notice and comment). No kisses, no hand holding, absolutely no sign of any affection at all. Yet he wants sex (after which we have to leap out of bed to clean up and, if we get back into bed again, there is no physical contact then either). He gave me a valentine's card last week (only, I suspect, because I told him I'd got him one) so I went to kiss him a 'thank you'. He backed off...and that hurt.

[NoKisses]

Okay. Got a Zombie alert. No a poster and just jointed but just in case you are still on here I am the person to chat to on this. Not about answers so much but about feelings. Still grappling with the answers though have some but it still sucks. Write if you are interested. xx

[biryani]

We don't kiss, ever, for years, in any situation. In my case this is, I believe, a sign of a lack of affection as kissing is regarded as perhaps the most intimate aspects of a physical relationship. Perhaps you need to look for other pointers in your relationship that aren't right, and go from there.

[dementedma]

cherrychoc- missed your posts before. you could be describing my life. Any show of initmacy from me is seen as an invitation to sex, which is the last thing i want. he only ever touches my breasts or bum/fanny, nothing else. i want intimacy without sex, he thinks intimacy IS sex. Stalemate!

[dementedma]

sex without kissing for a hell of a lot longer than 8 years here....i hate it, and don't want him to do it. Don't want the sex either but it causes too many problems so i give in and just hope its over soon.
Assisted masturbation is pretty much what it is - comes from being married too long

[begonyabampot]

Honestly, i think kissing is boring after a while. Years down the line I don't really see much point in it. I just prefer touching and carressing. I think kissing is exciting with a new partner when you are first starting out sexually. Guess in the old days it was one thing you were allowed to do as sex was often taboo until marriage or much later on. Just how I feel - but feel the way your feeling is really much more than about kissing.

[dippiyas]

I have been in the same situation as you.My hubby didnt kiss me either in fact he never showed me any affection at all. He was physically and mentally abusive towards me, he only touched me when he wanted to have sex wich wasnt that often and as i was stupidly in love with him even after the way he treated me i mistook this for love. I let him get away with to much! kissing somebody is a way of expressing your love for another person. So i dont think he ever loved me!

[ItsGraceAgain]

Oh blimey, I dunnit again
Really SHOULD look at the dates!

[TittyBojangles]

old thread

[NicknameTaken]

Not entirely sure what you want from this thread - encouragement to leave? Because if he is emotionally abusive and controlling, then yes, I wholeheartedly encourage you to get out of there. Validation that not kissing can be EA? Yes, absolutely. When it's done to reject someone and refuse imtimacy, it's just another way to abuse.

[ItsGraceAgain]

Yes, Cheerful, and that's why we so often recommend the Bancroft book. It doesn't tell you what to do - it helps you gain perspective, which has become eroded after years of confusion!

[CheerfulV]

I only stopped kissing my ex once I knew it was over and would never be good again. And for ages before that it was just a routine peck on the lips as a goodnight. I stopped kissing him because I knew I felt nothing for him and it would have felt duplicitous to carry on doing that knowing how I felt inside.

For me personally, kissing is a barometer of how the relationship is doing, and if I stop wanting to kiss my partner I KNOW something's really wrong. For me, it has always signalled the end, or the beginning of the end. I love love love kissing and could happily do it all day, so no I could never remain in a relationship where it was entirely absent.

Having said that, I don't think you can isolate it from his other behaviours, and it goes hand in hand from them and stems from his emotionally abusive mindset. You should be asking a different question: "Why have I decided to stay in a loveless controlling relationship for 8 years? What is stopping me from leaving?"