The people I have invited to my wedding all said yes when I asked them and now its getting nearer loads of them aren't coming

[Muddypuddle]

Its quite a way to travel because we're doing it where we grew up rather than where we live. I invited 70 people who all said yes, but its in 2 months time and suddenly everyone is pulling out and we only have 34 people coming now. Should I cancel it? I'm not looking forward to it now and its making me cry all the time.

I would cancel and rebook nearer where everybody lives.

My cousin did this. They were inviting 200 people to their wedding, in Rome (fgs!!) and upon realizing that only around 20 of close family and friends wanted/prioritised/could afford to fly out to Rome, changed it around completely and had 170 guests in the brides home town, so most could come. Everybody was really pleased that the wedding couple were so considerate of their guests that they moved their wedding date and venue to suit more people.

You would not be "bailing out", neither do you seem needy, you would appear to be very caring and considerate.

Confuzzled - anywhere regardless of the most expensive hotel or a plain old B&B very very rarely do a one night booking on a bank holiday weekend.

Muddy - why would you cancel it for 36 people who are not coming for whatever reason when 34 people are more than happy to make the effort to travel to see you be married? I say go ahead, have the lovely day you want and believe me you will hardly have time to see all your guests individually anyway!

We had 60 initially coming and on the day 32 turned up. We had them all round one HUGE oval table and it was totally fantastic! I did not give a thought all day to the people that did not come. What mattered to me was the people that were there to see me and DH get married and that they all had a great time! Not to mention I bagged myself a rather handsome, very sexy husband in the process!

Fruitysunshine

If I was 1 of the 34 who had paid a deposit on accommodation I would be displeased if you cancelled and I wouldn't come to a rearranged wedding because I would feel my attendance at your wedding obviously wasn't valued as much as other peoples. Have a party for the folk who can't come. Why are you having it 200 miles away? Don't most people have their weddings near where they live unless they're eloping abroad?

I think it's fairly common to have your wedding where you grew up rather than where you currently live 2rebecca.

Fruity - you're right, and it's not even just 34 people who are travelling, there's also lots of family who do live near to where the wedding is, it's not as if the wedding has suddenly halved in number.

The scenario of planning wedding in Italy and then changing their minds when poeple couldn't come presumably happened at a much earlier stage of the planning procedure. If the guests had said straight away 'that doesn't work for us' then maybe the date/venue would have been reconsidered (of course that's easier when it's obviously not going to work out eg Italy rather than unexpected things eg B&B insisting on 3 night stay)

None of my friends or relatives had their wedding anywhere other than where they now lived. I suppose many of them were older (late 20s/30s) and had been living together for a while. It never occurred to me to have a wedding near my parents, I suppose if you are young and have just moved away from your parents it makes more sense.

I never said the OP had bad mates, I just think if they are a group of close friends, it's easy to fall into a group mentality. It's also not very nice of your friends to then say they'll help you rearrange it for their benefit.

My PIL had a second wedding type event in my dh home town because we limited the amount of people they were aloud to invite.

If the OP's friends really have tried everywhere and still can't find accomadation then a party when they get back from honeymoon may be the best plan.

I am so sorry that they have all been changing their minds like that.

I have not attended weddings in the past simply because of the distance (so time to travel + 2 nights in a hotel + childcare issues), so I do understand how people less close to you wouldn't feel able to come - it will cost them hundreds of pounds. I'm sure a lot of these people would love to come to your wedding but time and finances simply won't allow. I have, seriously, attended some weddings that cost me more than a holiday abroad! I don't think a lot of people realise that until the really start looking into it more seriously.

I only had 23 people, including DH and myself, and it was great! 34 is plenty for a really good 'do'. I like the suggestion of a post honeymoon party if you feel the need. Don't lost sight of what you are really doing though - making a lifelong declaration of love and commitment to the man you love, as long as he is there then....

miserable gits. it's not that far FFS.

we had to slep of to Italy to SIL wedding last year with 2 kids, it was a total nightmare from start to finish, but the wedding was fab and I am glad we nearly bankrupted ourselves getting there!

go with the flow. YOU are the one's that matter. Screw Them.

Would it be at all possible to arrange a coach to take your guests to the wedding, and back home afterwards? OK it's 400 miles in one day, but folk could mostly be snoozing on the way home.

A wedding is stressful enough without constantly trying to solve everyone else's problems. The amount of time, effort and money people spend on organising their weddings is for "their" big day of their lives and my opinion is that guests should be really happy to be invited and witness such an event at the couple's expense.

If they are unable to get themselves on a train or car share to get there (200 miles is not THAT far) the accept their decision and focus on finalising your day with the guests that HAVE managed to make it.

Personally if I want to do something time, distance or money don't stop me. I just plan well in advance. A B&B is cheaper than a hotel so £40 for fuel £30 for b&b, plus another £30 for incidentals/drinks = £100 for travel, board and the event itself. Save up £10 a month for 10 months in advance and you have your money.

some people just can't be bothered I think.

A wedding is the start of a marriage and is about you and your partner not who will or wont come, it is nice to share the day with people but it is not a show off fest and if you and your DP love each other then that is all that matters, thinking of calling off a wedding because there will not be enough people there to watch you get married is just stupid and maybe you should look at your reasons for getting married, if that is how you feel

Fruity, the Op said that it is five of her friends, plus their husbands and children. Whilst your idea of car sharing is perfectly sensible, I doubt that any of them are able to double up because of the numbers involved. ie, an average of over 6 people per family. Even if they chose to drive there and back in a day because 'it's not that far', assuming they are able to drive at the maximum speed allowed on our roads, that still equates to three hours each way, minimum. When my kids were young, I could never have driven for that length of time without at least one stop, which of course adds time to the journey. The cost of train travel is also prohibitive. Especially when you are talking about a family travelling together, it would probably csot as much as the three night hotel accommodation that the friends are having difficulty affording.

I do sympathise with the OP, but I also think she has to accept that her friends can't make the wedding for very sound reasons which are not intended as a snub to her. They are probably also feeling bad that they can't be there. In the same circumstances I would not be able to afford it and would feel terrible about it, but I would not be prepared to go into debt for it.

'some people just can't be bothered I think.'

Some people can't afford it as well as everything else.

It's not a matter of saving, in this economy, some have nothing to save, much less for someone's friggin' wedding!

£30 for a B&B?! Where? Over a bank holiday weekend in August for a family of 4 or 5. LOL.

Maybe you see a wedding as something that's worth spending hundreds of pounds on.

Others don't or they simply don't have that kind of money due to their circumstances.

Absolutely agree with you expat. £10 a month doesn't sound a lot, but to some, it is very difficult if not impossible to find that amount 'spare'. especially if you have several children who always seem to need new shoes etc at the same time or other unexpected expenses arise, like the exhause falling off your 13 year old car and needing to be replaced, or the council tax goes up as do all other household bills, whilst your income remains the same or even goes down. It all sounds so easy to say,'it's only £10 a month', but the reality, for many, is very different.

and if you do have any to spare, that's what you need it for (i hear ya, we need to get the radiator on our 13-year-old car replaced Monday when DH doesn't need it to get to work).

anything spare you have to put away it strictly for emergencies.

hundreds of pounds on a wedding or anything that's not essential just doesn't figure into a lot of peoples' budgets in this economy.

and if you do have any to spare, that's what you need it for (i hear ya, we need to get the radiator on our 13-year-old car replaced Monday when DH doesn't need it to get to work).

anything spare you have to put away it strictly for emergencies.

hundreds of pounds on a wedding or anything that's not essential just doesn't figure into a lot of peoples' budgets in this economy.

Having a wedding over a bank holidfay weekend is just not a good idea.

Well, you have all backed up my reasoning actually. I highlighted one particular reason for people not attending. I say some can't be bothered and others say some can't afford it, totally agree with you but they are BOTH potential reasons. We have 5 kids and I know lots about travelling with many stops and trying to locate accommodation but life is what you make it and if you allow yourself to be held back due to lack of money or the hassle of travelling with multiple children then that's down to you. I still maintain that some people genuinely think "it's too much hassle".

"It's not a matter of saving, in this economy, some have nothing to save, much less for someone's friggin' wedding!" Said with such a derogatory tone Expat, let's home you don't feel that way about the next person who invites you to a wedding which THEY may have put themselves in debt for (even though you did not ask them too, I know!) and believed you are close enough to them to invite.

Anyway, I think weddings are wonderful events whether they are huge or small - it is a brand new start for 2 people.

If people chose to go into debt over a wedding that's their lookout and their invitees surely shouldn't feel beholden to overstretch themselves financially in a dire economy because of that.

I felt you were very derogatory as well, basically labelling anyone who isn't willing to spend money they truly may not have to go to a wedding as just not wanting to be bothered and therefore less of a mate.

That's certainly not true for everyone.

Fruiysunshine did you actually read any of my posts, as a B&B owner I would expect a 3 night stay over a bank holiday weekend as would all the B&B owners that I know.

Could you not just hire a coach to get them there and bring them home on the same night? Ask them to chip in with the cost, then no one will miss the wedding and they can all drink as no one will be driving.

Expat - I did not say EVERYONE does not go to a wedding because they could not be bothered - that is what you assumed when you read my post. As for people with financial limitations who on their right mind would have a go at ANYONE who could not afford to go to a wedding? I certainly would not. As I said, you pointed that out as a potential issue and I pointed out the could not be bothered issue. I am very well aware of financial limitations but have also experienced people's apathy through my own life so I KNOW it exists. I also said in my last post that it is not down to the guests if the couple choose to get into debt for their wedding (You chose to repeat that at the beginning of your post.)

Cat64 - the petrol would not be much more than that - having just driven a round trip of 500 miles myself in the last 24hours. As for the accommodation, I take your point. It was more trying to convey an attitude rather than specific figures if somebody really had to budget and wanted to go to the wedding, then it could be done. However if "everyone" is as skint as others seem to be making out and nobody is truly capable of "can't be bothered" as we would be encouraged to believe then this couple will be lucky if ANYONE turns up at their wedding!

Don't cancel your wedding - people that want to be there will. It is your big day, enjoy it!

Understand why you are disappointed and upset, but if you are having a wedding that requires a large number of your guests to travel, stay in hotels etc. you have to factor in that many wont be able to come.

Having a smaller wedding was a bonus imo. We had about 45 guests and I felt like I really got to relax and spend the day with everyone, in stead of feeling pressured to get around and fit in a brief 'hello' with everyone.

I've been to large weddings where I've had a brief coversation with the bride and groom to congratulate them and that was it. A bit crap really!

Is there an area nearby that would have accommodation? You could organise transport to and from your wedding for any guests staying further away. Our reception venue was a bit off the beaten track and we organised mini buses. Worked out really well. No harm in looking into some alternative options for your friends and seeing if it makes it easier for them to attend .

At the end of the day, the guests that are coming are the ones that are important. Focus on them and yourselves and you will have a memorable celebration.