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Original poster

The people I have invited to my wedding all said yes when I asked them and now its getting nearer loads of them aren't coming

100 replies

Muddypuddle · 01/07/2009 10:51

Its quite a way to travel because we're doing it where we grew up rather than where we live. I invited 70 people who all said yes, but its in 2 months time and suddenly everyone is pulling out and we only have 34 people coming now. Should I cancel it? I'm not looking forward to it now and its making me cry all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Muddypuddle · 01/07/2009 11:19

you're right. sniff. I suppose I can now buy champagne rather than prossecco!

OP posts:
Pinkjenny · 01/07/2009 11:19

I'm sure it's not the case that no one likes you! We got married where dh grew up, and I must confess, we booked accommodation for everyone, and asked them to confirm it if they were coming, so tried to take some of the stress out of it. Having said that, it was in November, so the Lake District wasn't exactly booked up!

A couple of my friends had just had babies and opted not to come, as considered it to be far to travel.

Don't worry, your wedding day will be beautiful, and you'll have a wonderful day. Promise.

Habbibu · 01/07/2009 11:20

Are there any rentable cottages near where the wedding is? that's what a group of us usually do, and they'll often do weekend breaks that work out much cheaper than hotels. Would changing the date away from the bank holiday be possible/feasible?

oopsagain · 01/07/2009 11:20

i'm really sorry about this, it must be very sad.

But i do have a bit of sympathy wih the guests too.

At the initial onvite thye prob just didn't realise the expense tbh.
It's probably just hitting home.

I'm sorry it is happeneing, but it is also just one of those things.

we went to a wedding to a close friend which was fab, but OMG we really had to penny pinch for ages to afford it- and i think that next time i would just politely decline i'm afraid
Id be really sad, but it is just the way of things these days,

i recenly had to stay home when 5 of my mates went away for the weekend, we couldn't afford for me to go on a jolly..

it must seem hard just now- but i'm sure the others are feeling upset too.

maybe a party whne you get back

LoveBeingAMummy · 01/07/2009 11:33

Maybe the friends go organise the party....

bigTillyMint · 01/07/2009 11:37

What a shame

Is there any way they could stay with any of your family for the night/camp/caravan site, etc?

Are you having it somewhere where you had to specify numbers - will you lose out on it if they don't come?

Original poster
Muddypuddle · 01/07/2009 12:11

We wont lose out - its a regisry office do followed by a nice restaurant and then the reception in my Mums garden. The rooms are all full of aunts and siblings already...

OP posts:
Lulumama · 01/07/2009 12:16

it is not that no-one likes you..really , it isn't

i think if you mentioned it before, people would have (A) not thought as far ahead as august bank holiday and the cost implications and (B) would not want to just say no to your face

you will still have half the guests there

can you find a hotel that might be willing to do a special offer if you can promise them some punters?

to be fair, a 3 night stay in a hotel, over a bank holiday, for four , plus petrol, gift, outfits , dog sitters for us, would be beyond our reach at the moment.

CurryMaid · 01/07/2009 12:18

Whereabouts is it?

Where we got married you could do corporate lets of blocks of flats which were cheaper than hotels. Is it anywhere with that kind of accom?

FiveGoMadInDorset · 01/07/2009 12:20

I feel really sorry for you, we run a B&B and dread weddings on Bank Holiday weekends, we do a minimum of 2 nights but still get complaints from wedding guests but if we did one nights then we lose out on Fiday night bookings and Sunday nights.

Bramshott · 01/07/2009 12:22

Is there a local university that rents out accomodation in the summer?

FlorenceandtheWashingMachine · 01/07/2009 12:24

I think the fact that your friends have already offered to organise a party says it all. They clearly feel rotten about not coming and are trying to show that they care. Let them throw you a party.

ruddynorah · 01/07/2009 12:27

can you look around for b&b options or cottages or something?

last wedding i went to which involved a fair bit of travelling for most people the bride and groom reserved a block of rooms at a special rate for people travelling far. they also gave a list of alternative, cheaper options. very organised.

my own wedding was tiny, 14 guests. we asked them all to travel, again, tourist location, in the lakes where i grew up..and it was aug bank holiday weekend! but we paid for their rooms so they could all come. couldn't have done that if we'd invited any more than close family though.

KirstyJC · 01/07/2009 12:27

I do feel sorry for you Muddypuddle, but I am sure they would go if they could!

Several years ago when I was a student we had to go to a vry expensive wedding - DH agreed to be best man before they told us the wedding was at a castle in Scotland! (We and they live in Devon!!). We tried to cancel but were 'guilted' into going - it cost us more than we spent on our own wedding previously!. It also took a long time to pay off credit cards that we had to use to get there.

I am still bloody furious about it tbh. (not least 'cos I always hated the bride). How dare they think their day is more important to us than our own?

So, I think if people can't go then you should just accept it - by which I mean they have a real reason and it's not that they don't like you! Have a party afterwards - I bet you'll get better presents from the people who feel guilty they missed it!

BecauseImWorthIt · 01/07/2009 12:28

Surely the fact that they've suggested a party to you indicates that they do care, and want to celebrate with you in some way?

sayithowitis · 01/07/2009 17:59

Honestly? It really sounds as though there are genuine difficulties for them to find accommodation etc. From what you say, five families comprising something like 36 people in total are being expected to pay for three nights hotel accommodation, (plus meals for the other two days)petrol, clothes, gifts etc, in order to attend your wedding. If I had been invited to a wedding on that basis, I am afraid that however good our friendship, I would have to say 'no'. I Would be pushed to afford all that with one nights accommodation, let alone three. You are asking them to pay several hundred punds each and that is a lot! TBH, I am not sure it would have even occurred to me that I would have to pay for three nights so i might have said 'yes' and then had to change that once I had investigated the hotel situation. I don't think your friends are being horrible to you, they are just being sensible. They clearly think highly of you, or they wouldn't be thinking about doing a party for you. I think you have to bite the bullet on this one, you chose the date and location of your wedding and sadly you have to accept that as much as they may want to, they just can't attend.

WildSeahorses · 01/07/2009 18:25

Muddlypuddle, I'm very sorry to hear what's happened.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that they are being bl**dy rude. They verbally accepted an invitation and it was their responsibility to sort themselves out re accommodation etc. If they didn't want/couldn't afford to go away for a weekend, then they should have said something straight away rather than telling you just a matter of weeks before the event. You must stop blaming yourself for this - it is not your fault that they didn't get themselves sorted out in time.

Offering to do a party instead is, I feel, a bit off. You have put a lot of effort into organising your wedding. For your friends to now turn around and say "Oh, we won't be attending, but let's do something else instead" seems to me to be a bit dismissive of the fact that this is your wedding day. It's not just a random get together of a group of people, the wedding itself is the event that makes it special and a party, although nice, isn't quite the same thing.

FWIW I hate the way the word bridezilla gets trotted out on these threads. I don't think it is remotely bridezilla to expect guests that have accepted an invitation to not give backword at the last moment.

Grammaticus · 01/07/2009 18:32

If they all know each other is there any chance of them sharing a self catering cottage?

expatinscotland · 01/07/2009 18:40

'These people are supposed to be my mates.'

Well, it is rude of them to have verbally agreed and then back out.

BUT, I love my mates, but you know, money just doesn't grow on trees and if someone wants to host an event like that that far away adn over an August bank holiday weekend, and it's then a choice between the wedding or the bills or the wedding and a family holiday, well, the latter's going to win out.

I'd send along a lovely gift, but I'd never have agreed verbally myself. Would have just been, 'Thanks, but it's unfortunately it's beyond our means.'

BottySpottom · 01/07/2009 18:48

I imagine everyone is a bit hard up at the moment and if it's 200 miles to travel and 3 nights in a hotel, plus a present, that could well add up to nearly £1,000.

How about booking a coach after the wedding reception and taking them all to non-tourist, cheaper town that would have reasonable accommodation? You could also say no to wedding presents.

oopsagain · 01/07/2009 20:38

I'm sure i'd have said yes- having no idea i'd be stung for 3 nights' stay over a BH weekend.
I'd have worked that out closer to the time and freaked.. as it seems your friends have.

somebody else said it cxould well come up to 500-1K which is sadly true for a family.

I'm sure i'd have said yes happily and then feel dreadful letting you down- but it all adds up to alot of money and sometimes you have to put family first.

I do hope you feel better about it- it must be a real let down.

Julezboo · 01/07/2009 20:46

Ahh Muddy, as a fellow bride I totally sympathise with you!! I had around 10 guests pull out last month (my day is this saturday) I was gutted! It was all because of a stupid mistake I made making a friend (ex friend) a bridesmaid, she pulled out taking a load of guests with her because she was fired (nothing to do with me mind!)

You will still have a fab day, can you not fill those spaces? I didnt think i could and I have managed it, I know my number pulling out was less than yours.

The tears are normal too, i cried on Saturday because my two BM's where ill and i didnt want to pick my dress up on my own, i ended up taking my son and my MIL, i had a lovely time )

I also cried tonight because... I am tired and hot and bothered and a baby obviously lol!

Just enjoy your day, have the second celebration if you want it, i am sure they are all feeling awful about not being there!!

StealthPolarBear · 01/07/2009 20:51

I agree with WildSeaHorses.
I thought people had weddings on BH weekends so everyone had time to travel to and from the wedding - you just can't win!
Not everywhere requires a two / three night stay - bet I could find somewhere nearby that will let you do one night.

StealthPolarBear · 01/07/2009 20:52

Enjoy Saturday Julez

lalalonglegs · 01/07/2009 20:56

Is it a university town or near one? Often the halls of residence are available during summer and pretty cheap for a couple of nights.

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