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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friendship is going down the pan and I don't know why

79 replies

rickman · 15/05/2005 22:04

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tigermoth · 19/05/2005 08:15

oh, rickman, I've been there too! When I was pregnant and stressed, a woman popped into my life and became a close friend, did the whole lot - visiting at hospital, running me around in her car as I couldn't drive then, telling me nothing was too much trouble. Soon after my son was born she lost all interest. I definitely think she needed to be needed and liked the drama of it all. Her mother became ill soon after, I offered support in return, but she said she was too busy to see me. We sort of lost contact. It ended with her refusing to give back some good furniture dh and I had lent her for her new house. She said she had sold it on. Very odd. Wierdest of all, a year or two later, when I bomped into her at a party, she was friendly again, picking up where we had left off.

Before children, years ago, I can think of a another friend who did this too - my partner and I had fallen out and I was upset. She was wonderful in supporting me, telling me all men are B**DS, etc etc. She disappeared off the scene as soon as I made it up with my partner and planned to marry him.

I think some people keep repeating this patten with their relationships - they give all, feed off the drama, then feel put upon, then say they were used. I don't know why this is.

This woman you know might have lots of friends, but I wonder how long they have been in her life? With the women I knew, their friends were mostly recent ones (one or tow years at most). They were excellent at making friends but didn't keep them long.

I don't think there is anything you can do, tbh. You have done all you can to communicate with this woman. The chances are other people know she is wierd with friendships, so if she does say anything about your, will take it with a pinch of salt.

Freckle · 19/05/2005 10:03

This is a familiar pattern, where people turn into really good friends when you are in need and then disappear once you are coping well. It's all to do with their own needs rather than yours. Of course it's upsetting when they back off and it's important to realise that it is nothing to do with you.

Having met you, I can't imagine why this woman wouldn't want to be friends with you, so it is clearly her own personal issue.

Although it's hurtful, it would probably be best now to try and accept the situation and move on.

rickman · 19/05/2005 11:00

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Fio2 · 19/05/2005 11:38

having met you, i dont know why she is doing this either. I know this is going to be a really flippant coment and maybe I should say it to you on msn, but when my Mum and Dad split up one of her friends 'stopped' going out with her. When my Mum confrionted this friend, it was because the friends 'husband' thought my Mum being single was leading her astray and into the arms of another man!!!! totally ludicrous, but these things do happen

Fio2 · 19/05/2005 11:40

I dont think she will blab either. It will make her look bad if she blabs. For goodness sake rickman you have had an horeendous year if you trusted someone who couldnt be trusted and told them something whilst you were so confused and unhappy, why would anyone blame you? please dont beat yourself up over this

Marina · 19/05/2005 11:43

100% with Fio here rickman - I think she will keep schtumm and even if she doesn't it is majorly her attitude problem and not yours, please don't be hard on yourself over this. We all make misjudgements in friendships sometimes

Aero · 19/05/2005 13:14

Agree with Freckle and Fio, and having also met you, it's definitely her problem, not yours. Time to 'shake the dust off your feet' I think with this one, and walk on. Maybe one day she'll regret this move, but not for you to worry about. I wouldn't worry about her blabbing either tbh.

koalabear · 19/05/2005 13:19

part of friendship is vulnerability - sharing joys, sorrows, challenges, pain etc - if you did not do this, friendship would be very shallow indeed, and probably not worth it

don't regret sharing your secrets, giving of yourself, for if you had not done that, you would be a lesser person

if this person who was your friend brakes your confidence, it is her who is lost, not you, and i believe that in some way, she will suffer for it in her life (i know, but i do believe in a form of karma)

WideWebWitch · 19/05/2005 13:25

Oh, that's interesting what tigermoth says about how 'old' her friend's friends were in terms of how long she'd known them. The friend I talked about who was weird and dumped me didn't have any friends she'd known more than about 2 years. I'd take that as a warning signal in future I think with any new friend. And we met when I was 20 something and she was 30, by which time I had plenty of friends I'd known 10 years or more. Rickman, I hope you're feeling a bit better about this.

pinkmama · 19/05/2005 13:43

Hi rickman, just read through this thread quickly so someone may have suggested this already, but what about writing to her. It sounds a horrid situation, and if I were you I would find it hard to just let it go. I think you did right thing asking her outright, but maybe she panicked when put on the spot and couldnt say what the problem was to your face. Lets face it, it can be a hard thing to do. It all sounds very wierd, and must be hurtful. SOunds like there is a problem, even if only a perceived one, maybe writing would make her feel more able to be honest. It could be that you wont like what you hear, but at least you will know and bring it to a close, or it maybe that its some silly perceived sleight and that its fixable. Dont envy you though. X

sobernow · 19/05/2005 13:59

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rickman · 19/05/2005 14:03

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Fio2 · 19/05/2005 16:42

no you dont look shabby at all, she isnt worth it rickman. You have tried to be adult and sort this out with her and she isnt interested in being adult. Some people are just like that. From my point of view I am only ever interested in 'real' friendships where people cane be honest with me. My best friend puts me straight if she thinks I am wrong and I do the same with her, thats what friends are for after all. And if she is as shallow as she sounds, she really isnt worth bothering with

WideWebWitch · 19/05/2005 20:42

I'd say the fact that she told you stuff she wouldn't want relayed is an extremely good reason to think she won't say anything. Stop worrying! Please try, anyway.

Socci · 19/05/2005 20:57

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rickman · 19/05/2005 21:12

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sobernow · 19/05/2005 21:29

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tiddlypom · 19/05/2005 21:45

Hi Rickman, I'm outraged by how cruel and manipulative this woman is being, not only to you but also to your children, and she knows what you've had to contend with recently. Her responses to your direct questions were horrible, leaving you in the dark whatever you do. I really wouldn't worry about her passing on info, though, and I think you have to try to stop thinking about the whole thing. But if you really can't, is there anyone else in RL who knows both of you that you could talk to about it? What she's left you with is a situation you can't resolve, which is really horrible. I can't believe anyone would behave in that way towards you, I agree that she must have a lot of psychological problems that are making her be so weird.

rickman · 21/05/2005 18:00

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Freckle · 21/05/2005 18:04

Get a grip.

Try and forget about this sad person. Don't worry that she may betray any confidences as, if she does, you can just deny all knowledge. I doubt that she will in any case.

Are you sure you're not becoming a crisis junkie?? It often happens that, when you've had a really stressful time and come through it, that you become accustomed to dealing with stressful situations and therefore create one out of little. Sorry, not a psychologist who would probably tell me I'm talking out of my *rse.

rickman · 21/05/2005 18:08

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Freckle · 21/05/2005 18:15

There you go. Other problems are making you see this one out of all proportion. So sorry to hear about dd's junior school. Hope your appeal is successful. My sister had to appeal for her daughter re primary school and was told that the fact that she had appealed showed that she really wanted the school and she was successful.

I don't think the CSA take denial of receipt as a reason for his not paying.

Pennies · 21/05/2005 19:58

Hi there, have skimmed through most of this thread so apologies if I repeat what someone else has said.

She sounds like a crisis 'friend' and I'm sorry she hasn't been there for you in better times as well.

Don't worry about the confidences you share - if she reveals them to anyone then she will show herself up for the shallow, untrustworth individual that she is.

Try and replace your feelings of fear and fault with some healthy anger at this woman's hideous manipulation, rudeness, selfishness and insensitivity.

You are better off out of that friendship than in.

Sorry if ranting. Am pregnant and the angry hormones are pumping at full steam at the moment!

WideWebWitch · 21/05/2005 20:17

Hiya rickman sweetie, oh please try to stop worrying. Imagine if something REALLY terrible (I mean sickness, bereavement) was happening in your life, it really would blow this out of the water wouldn't it? So Get A Grip!

rickman · 20/06/2005 11:41

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