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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friendship is going down the pan and I don't know why

79 replies

rickman · 15/05/2005 22:04

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Original poster

rickman · 15/05/2005 22:54

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hunkermunker · 15/05/2005 22:56

Can you send her a card? Just a sunny one, with something cheery written in it about being friends? A thank you card, really, for all she's done for you?

Original poster

rickman · 16/05/2005 09:12

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Marina · 16/05/2005 09:58

rickman, I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you suggest she might have seen you, maybe not as a "deserving cause", but someone she could help while making herself feel better about her own situation. From some people's perspective, it doesn't come much more thrillingly needy than being pregnant and without a partner. As she won't let you in to reciprocate the favour now you are so much stronger and in a position to repay some favours, it could just be that this is the way she likes her friendships - dependent. I realise some of this sounds scathing about someone who has been a great friend to you - it's not meant to be. This sort of friend can be a rock during the hard times in life...but tend to back off when they don't feel needed enough.
I would persevere with her - along the lines of HM's card suggestion. You sound like such a good person to have in someone's life - this woman may just be pinching you out because she feels near to breaking point, and you could be just the one who breaks down the defences in the right way at the right time.

WideWebWitch · 16/05/2005 10:17

How odd, I'd be wondering what the hell I'd done too rickman. Have you asked her outright 'Have I done something to offend or upset you?'

Freckle · 16/05/2005 10:22

Put it down to your strong character and the brilliant way you managed to sort out your life. Some people need to be needed and will be there through thick and thin if you need help. Sometimes it's because it makes them feel better, perhaps superior that their lives are so much more organised/better than yours. Sometimes it's because they need to have a purpose and you provide that. The minute you look as though you don't need them, your purpose in their life has ended.

It's an odd way to make friends and an even odder way to end the friendship, but don't think it is in any way your fault. You'll probably find that she's moved on to some other "lame duck" until she is no longer needed there either.

Freckle · 16/05/2005 10:23

Oops, sorry. Obviously repeating what some others have said. Teach me not to read a whole thread before posting.

Original poster

rickman · 17/05/2005 21:13

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Pruni · 17/05/2005 21:16

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WideWebWitch · 17/05/2005 21:16

Bloody hell rickman, what an unsatisfying response! Can you do your best to be pleasant, polite and not get involved and just rise above it? I know it must be hard but I think you just have to try to do this and find some new friends and forget about her. What a strange woman. It sounds like she was repeating some mantra/phrase from a self help book. Tell your children you think she's not very happy atm and therefore she needs to be alone. I do sympathise, this must be hurtful but it's her loss, really.

SenoraPostrophe · 17/05/2005 21:18

how strange. is it possible she's gone a bit weird and was "testing" you?

whatever it is, agree you're probably going to have to rise above it. Funny woman.

fastasleep · 17/05/2005 21:18

I've had friends like that, It's really strange... usually byt the end of it all they give me this huge list of things I've done wrongly and I feel like a total a*se ....I think it's probably best to just avoid her if you can!

Pruni · 17/05/2005 21:20

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Original poster

rickman · 17/05/2005 21:37

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charliecat · 18/05/2005 22:29

Wierd woman[baffled emotion here] has she hooked up with a new friend? and had to drop you?

darlingbud · 18/05/2005 22:37

well at least you made the effort to ask. Following her response I would just leave it now. Not sure what you could tell the kids. She is busy? Is not feeling too well?

Aero · 18/05/2005 22:51

Just catching up with this rickman and asking her outright has got you nowhere! It is really strange, but you've now put the ball in her court and she isn't responding. I can't see what else you can do. It's really weird. You'd think with that opportunity, she'd at least give you a clue as to what is going on!
Haven't read all the posts, but maybe as Freckle has said, she wants to be needed and may have found another more 'worthy' cause. I don't know what to say really, but I'm sorry it's making you feel so miserable - I would too, but maybe you should just try to put the episode behind you and make some new friends (like us - lol - cos we're lovely and don't act weird), or just concentrate more on the friends you already have.
I hope you can move on from it, but I have no idea how to deal with it as far as the kids are concerned - that is a tricky one.

Original poster

rickman · 19/05/2005 07:08

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WideWebWitch · 19/05/2005 07:33

Ooh rickman, as a gossipy old bag (not saying that you are btw!) I know that feeling of cold fear! I don't know if what I say will make any difference but she's said she WON'T say anything, you haven't been horrible to her, she's being weird but you know what? Worrying about it WON'T help. It won't change anything. She either will tell in which case you'll find out soon enough or she won't in which case, case closed. She has nothing to gain by telling does she? So you really have got to stop worrying about it and try to forget about her. I had a very close friend who suddenly and inexplicably dumped me a few years ago. I had no idea what I was supposed to have done and writing/texting/callng her got me nowhere. We sort of made it up (she apologised) but she dumped me in a real hour of need and I never really forgave her. She then did a lot of other things I thoroughly disapproved of and so I stopped seeing her a few years ago. I'm better off without her tbh. And so are you without this strange woman in your life. I do sympathise, it's hurtful and you don't expect it of friends do you? But she's the one with the problem, not you.

Socci · 19/05/2005 07:36

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stressedmummy · 19/05/2005 07:38

She does sound a very strange one rickman!
I would probably ask her out right if I had offended her, telling her that I was asking because she was seeming very distant lately.
You at least deserve an explanation.

Original poster

rickman · 19/05/2005 07:40

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Mud · 19/05/2005 08:00

send her a beautiful bunch of flowers with a card that reads

"I am so grateful for our previous friendship, and so saddened that you have decided it must end. My children will really miss you too"

and then leave it alone

that way whatever happens, you have the moral one-upmanship

Mud · 19/05/2005 08:00

make that 'so saddened and confused that...'

Socci · 19/05/2005 08:11

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