Can anyone help?

[wendynut]

Hi
I've never done this before so it feels a little weird, but I'd love some advice, I feel very desperate. My husband told me that he didn't love me any more about 6 weeks ago. We've been together for 19 years and married for 15, we have 2 beautiful daughters aged 8 and almost 13 and a lovely home. We agreed to try and make it work and I thought things were going pretty well. But the thought of him not loving me had been gnawing away at me and it came out on Saturday night. I walked out and stayed at my sisters close by. I didn't sleep and left at 6 am to see my mum. I came back home early yesterday morning and we've been trying to talk it out.
I just can't believe he doesn't love me, i feel like he's ripped out my soul. He's the love of my life and I can't live without him. We've always had a good relationship and are best friends. I am adamant that I don't want us to split up. I don't want to destroy the kids, they know something is wrong, and I don't want to lose everything we've built up together over the years. I haven't worked since I had the kids and have always looked after them and supported my husband in his career. I know that no-one else is involved, he isn't having an affair. The prospect of waking up every morning without him and dealing with the kids all by myself is terrifying. I barely managed to drive them to school a minute ago and I feel like I'm falling to bits. He's trying to reschedule things so that he can get home from work earlier but I need him here. I'm 37 and I don't want to start again. He's my soulmate and if it wasn't for the kids I think I'd rather be dead than have to live without him. I'm going to my mums soon, can't sit here alone.

Hi DM and all

It sounds like you had a great birthday weekend DM. Happy birthday!
I didn't get the other job so I accepted the other one and I start on Tuesday! Wow I'm nervous, I really hope it goes well. Oh H has just arrived, I'll carry on chatting later
x

How is the new job going Wendy? Hope it's ok!

Hi DM and everyone

Sorry haven't posted for a while, last week was pretty frantic. Started new job last Tuesday and it's been going quite well. I'm getting the hang of it but it's been very much 'in at the deep end' and there is a lack of training which is annoying, I'll have to be firmer next week and insist on it.
I was really nervous last week and was also rushing around picking up DD's, trying to feed them and then take to various clubs and H was away overnight a few times so it was fraught to say the least but I was very glad when Friday night came around!
Relations with H were tough last week too, I found myself feeling so angry towards him, I think because I was stretched so thinly and had so much to deal with. I also felt sick of continuously having to be 'strong' and having no choice but to deal with scary situations all of the time, but I felt calmer by the end of the week and more in control.
I think that he's really shot himself in the foot with all this, he's still at my sister's (which won't be for much longer but she doesn't mind) so is in limbo with no proper home and is living out of a bag, some other smaller things have been going wrong for him and some big changes are happening at work which are very stressful and have taken away his security in his position. He'd never admit it though, it's unbelievable how stubborn he is, I couldn't see it very clearly before.
My sister noticed on Friday how he never sits down and is constantly moving and we both noted how irritating it is and makes you feel quite uptight because it's so hard to relax around him. I'd noticed this years ago but the funny thing is, one of the main reasons he quoted for falling out of love with me was my 'inability to relax' and being uptight all the time! I pointed out HIS inability to relax on Friday and the effect it has on others and the look on his face was priceless! Oh the irony!
How are things with you DM, still all going ok?
x

Hi Wendy, good to hear from you, I guessed you were extra busy and having to get used to new routines. Be tough about the training, so many places just expect you to get on with it!

I've been a bit up and down lately, sometimes I can cope and deal with things and at other times I get angry and feel sorry for myself. Then I see some of the things on here that others are dealing with and it puts things back into perspective for me. I don't actually have much to complain about in the great scheme of things!

What is your H going to do about where he is going to live? The work situation must be worrying too, as you say he has shot himself in the foot; must be making him seriously think about what he's done and where he's going. You, on the other hand are dealing with everything and a new job.

It made me smile when I read about him saying you couldn't relax, and now he can't - this has happened to me too - I have been told of several things that apparently I don't do, when actually it's DH that doesn't! He has said we don't 'talk' about things, I am so willing to talk about anything and everything, that's the way I deal with stuff, but he just clams up. I find it very frustrating!

Hi DM and all

Again, apologies for my absence. By the time I finally get home and get everything/everyone sorted out I fall into bed by 9:30! Wow, what's happened to me?
DM, I know exactly how you feel but there's nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself. I know others have problems of all shapes and sizes, but that doesn't mean that what upsets you isn't valid. I've spent so many years thinking the same thing while not accepting that anything might be 'wrong' and believing that because of our history and longevity that we were rock solid, I was certainly always led to think so. I might sound like 'the woman who's husband has left her', but one thing that I've realised is that in a relationship, no-one has the right to withhold the basics, the things that people as part of a couple have the right to enjoy. Especially not to the serious detriment of the other, deprivation of affection is soul destroying and eats away at you, you spend most of the time wondering what it is that you did wrong. I'm not saying that we don't have weaknesses and bad points, but like you, all I ever wanted to do was talk (I didn't stop talking for 4 whole months to try and save us, but unfortunately I was the only one doing it and it was all to myself) and sort things out but I think they hear what they want to.
It is very frustrating, they project their own faults and problems onto you as if you're to blame for everything.
I know that it's early days for me, but isn't hindsight a wonderful thing? Little by little, I'm starting to piece together (with small realisations) how things have slid over the last year or so, the changes in him. I'm just concentrating on working, trying to pick my studies up again and figuring out what the hell I'm actually like, because I don't think I really know!
I read you last post and got tough about the training, and it worked! I kind of know what I'm doing now which is a bonus
Hopefully, H will have sorted out where to live by the end of the month, he's no bother at my sisters because he's hardly there he works so much. He's also here for the rest of the time which I'm getting pretty sick of to be honest. I think it'll be an enormous shock when he does get his own place, he'll be totally on his own. The work situation is still ongoing for him and might be resolved next week so we'll see.
I really hope you're feeling ok, stay strong and be happy
x

Hi Wendy and thank you for understanding. I do think it's a bit of a funny (or not so funny)age thing with me that I am so way up and down, felt terrible Saturday for some reason, went to the shops and cried on the way! By the time I got back I was ok again, so am wondering about the HRT route to see if it helps. Won't help with the other problem, but might make me feel better generally? Need to suss out risks and benefits first. Might well make me feel more 'frisky and that won't do will it?!

You sound so positive, it's really great to see, and sounds like you are going to make the time to work out who you are. I have decided to pursue my photography hobby and join the local camera club,(woohoo, very exciting!!)as something just for me. DH goes walking, and we now walk together as a family too so I thought I would find time for myself. Good for us eh? Take care x

Wendy, noticed someone elsewhere mentioned the website fortysixty.org. Worth a look, interesting!!

"one thing that I've realised is that in a relationship, no-one has the right to withhold the basics, the things that people as part of a couple have the right to enjoy. Especially not to the serious detriment of the other, deprivation of affection is soul destroying and eats away at you, you spend most of the time wondering what it is that you did wrong."
Jumping in on this thread, hi everyone. This is really the most soul-destroying thing one person can do to another, imo. I went through this and felt I was being slowly killed. Turned out exH was gay (or at least bi). There were lots of other bad behaviour issues too, but that was the deal breaker for me. It was the last thing I would have suspected.

Wendy, you sound so together, I am in awe.

Hi wendy and all, so sorry I haven't posted for weeks on this thread, have been thinking of you but have had technical issues which have kept me off MN for ages - torture!

I'm so pleased you're moving forwards. I'm in a really similar situation and know exactly how hard it is. I haven't been single since I was 21 and haven't a clue where to start now I'm over a decade older with 2 little ones. The future is scary but also exciting. I'm so looking forward to being in a healthy relationship some day, even if it takes a while to get there.

I experienced the same withdrawal of physical and emotional affection as you and it really is soul-destroying, that's exactly the right expression. H told me not to take it personally, how do you not?

In H's case there was definitely at least one OW, I'm still so shocked at that. He continues to deny what I see as concrete evidence. There were 3 dc's aged under 3 when this started, and some of the details have been really hard to take. OW visited our home and went out with H and the dc's (300 miles from hers) when I was away at a family funeral for example. It's such low behaviour, I know I don't want him back.

Well done on your job, that's a massive achievement. Keep posting and I'll follow your progress!! Hugs to you x

Hi everyone
DM - I'm glad you're pursuing you're interests and focussing on things that are just for you.
I'm going to try and take a leaf out of your book and do that myself (needs to be my studies really) because it's all work and no play here! Have you come to any conclusions yet about the HRT route, how have you been feeling?
MATHANXIETY - When I read you're comment at the bottom of your post the other day I nearly burst into tears! That's one of the nicest things anyone has said to me and made me feel really happy, thankyou! I totally agree with you about lack of affection, it was the one thing (out of all the other bad things) that I just couldn't carry on with which is why I said he had to go if there was no future for us.
TIREDOF - Great to hear from you again! You're H has done some unforgivable things, it's really shocking. I'm the same, I'm finding it really difficult to think of myself as single and it is very scary. I don't know when I'll ever have the courage to get to know another man, I think it's too soon for me anyway.
Well, you won't believe what I went and did this morning. Things had been going well with H and I lately and unfortunately I misread things this weekend and made a fool of myself this morning which set my progress back quite a bit.
I've found it very hard to switch off loving him, even though he's treated me like crap for so long. Getting on well together, seeing each other every day and every weekend and hanging out together has blurred everything for me and I haven't been letting go. I texted him at 6ish this morning and asked him out for a drink on Friday night (I know, I know) and got one back saying that yes, we've been getting on better with each other lately, but there's no way we can get back together so I'd be better off going out with my sister instead. God I'm an idiot! It brought it all back to me and hurt all over again and made me realise how bloody alone I am now. It made the day really tough but I had a chat with my family earlier and that helped. I told him that it's all got to change from now on because it's hurting me all the time and it's stopping me from living my own life. I said that he can see the kids on Wednesday (we're out tomorrow night) and he'd better get on with sorting his own place out.
Has anyone got any advice about this or when feeling like crap will ever end?
x

Hi Wendy, I am fine at the moment thank you, having an 'up' time, so making the most of it!

I'm so sorry to hear about your little setback, and it must have hurt like hell, but looking at it positively, it's enabled you ( or empowered you even) to put him in his place and set your rules.

I have to take DS out now, but will be back. x

Looking at what I wrote yesterday, hope you don't think I was belittling what you felt at your H's reaction, I was trying to say in a clumsy way, that because you have been so amazing in all this,( and mathanxiety is absolutely right), you can deal with it as a small thing, and compared to everything else that has happened it is only 'small', and you are already dealing with it. [trying to get foot out of mouth halloween emoticon]And, you are certainly not an idiot, far from it. Stay strong x

Hi DM and all

Again, apologies for being out of the MN loop for a while. I sit at a computer all day now at work and tend not to sit at my laptop at home in the evening. Seeing as it's Friday night and i've actually got some spare time (and armed with a glass of wine ), I thought I'd see how you all are.
H is viewing flats at the mo and he's still here everyday which is a bit wearing (especially at the weekends) but I'm also glad of the help with the DC's.
DM, I know that you weren't belittling what I felt. You are such a great person, I know that you would never mean anything like that! How's it going with your DH lately? Have you had any improvements or breakthroughs? I hope you have because if not, then we've both been stuck in this bloomin' nunnery for far too long!
Tiredoftherain - Haven't heard anything from you for ages, how's it all going? Don't know if you've been posting on another thread but will be having a look around MN tonight so will look out for you.
I've been feeling much better about being on my own lately and I can honestly say that there is no way that I'd ever get back together with H and that alone makes me feel so much better. I went out for a drink with my sister a couple of weeks ago and I wore a clingy little black number (that I bought post break up) and it felt great! We were in a really nice bar and my sis noticed quite a few guys checking us out (which was thrilling but terrifying!) because she's so good at noticing bloke stuff whereas I barely notice anything! Does being married for so long make us blind and numb to other males? I'm going to the company Xmas dinner on the Saturday before Xmas and I'm really looking forward to it. I haven't been to anything alone for many years so it'll be really good.
I've got my in-laws from France visiting at the end of this month and they'd normally stay at my house for 2 nights to see us all, but I don't know how to play it this time. They're staying in a B&B and hopefully H will have moved into his new place by then. I've never liked them much and they've tried to make contact a couple of times since he left us but I haven't responded, I just haven't known what to say. Any advice anyone on the best way to tackle this?
xx

Welcome back, Wendynut! So glad to hear you are enjoying life and attracting the right sort of attention.

In-laws: up to you, I guess. If they are very keen to see the children, perhaps you could meet them somewhere on neutral territory for a couple of hours. Like have an extended lunch in a child-friendly pub or some such. If they start to be insufferable you can just say briskly that you have to be going now, pack up the offspring and leave them with the bill to it.

Hmm, wine you say... wanders off to rummage in cupboard

Great idea Annie! Leaving them with the bill would make a change, they're not exactly the 'generous' type. I think not having to put up with them anymore is a major upside to the whole situation! My sis told me a hilarious story about when her marriage broke up years ago. Her mother in law (from hell) gave them a hideous dinner service as a wedding present and when he left her and the kids, she had a 'Greek Night' with said service and had a brilliant night with her mates.
xx

Hi Wendy, glad you are back! DH and I getting on very well, but still in the old nunnery sadly, although I have dropped a few hints, he ignores them.Think I have turned into an old shrivelled prune by now! I have had other stress going on lately,my mum who lives with us is suddenly showing early signs of dementia, so I have been getting that checked out and trying not to go crazy with thinking about the worst case scenarios. I am over the initial shock and now trying to deal practically with things, tests etc, day by day. DH is being really supportive which I need now.

On a lighter note,good for you, you sound as though you're getting more positive day by day.When my first marriage broke up, I was sorry not to see my parents in law, as they were lovely, but not to have to see my ex- BIL and his shrew of a wife, well, that was one of the bonuses! She used to look me up and down slowly from head to foot and snigger when she saw me, so I was really happy never to have to see her again! As Annie suggests, a neutral place would be good to meet them, so you can escape if you want to!