Can anyone help?

[wendynut]

Hi
I've never done this before so it feels a little weird, but I'd love some advice, I feel very desperate. My husband told me that he didn't love me any more about 6 weeks ago. We've been together for 19 years and married for 15, we have 2 beautiful daughters aged 8 and almost 13 and a lovely home. We agreed to try and make it work and I thought things were going pretty well. But the thought of him not loving me had been gnawing away at me and it came out on Saturday night. I walked out and stayed at my sisters close by. I didn't sleep and left at 6 am to see my mum. I came back home early yesterday morning and we've been trying to talk it out.
I just can't believe he doesn't love me, i feel like he's ripped out my soul. He's the love of my life and I can't live without him. We've always had a good relationship and are best friends. I am adamant that I don't want us to split up. I don't want to destroy the kids, they know something is wrong, and I don't want to lose everything we've built up together over the years. I haven't worked since I had the kids and have always looked after them and supported my husband in his career. I know that no-one else is involved, he isn't having an affair. The prospect of waking up every morning without him and dealing with the kids all by myself is terrifying. I barely managed to drive them to school a minute ago and I feel like I'm falling to bits. He's trying to reschedule things so that he can get home from work earlier but I need him here. I'm 37 and I don't want to start again. He's my soulmate and if it wasn't for the kids I think I'd rather be dead than have to live without him. I'm going to my mums soon, can't sit here alone.

Oh Wendy, I'm so sorry how this is going for you. I looked for you on here just the other day, and hoped because you hadn't posted that things might be improving. Have you thought about Relate? I haven't been to Relate myself, but I did have counselling when my first marriage broke up ( sound like a disaster area don't I?)and having someone neutral just helps to focus your mind, and helps you work out what you really want to do and how to achieve it. If you can't get your DH to go with you, then go for yourself, just to have someone to talk to that isn't going to judge you or tell you what to do.
Things are ok with me (not wanting to hijack your post with my stuff!), but getting on for six months in the 'nunnery' now. Sometimes it gets to me more than others and it's all that I can think about. I went through the really angry, frustrated and resentful part that you are going through, plus feeling less than affectionate towards him. I am not the right person to advise you, as I can't sort this part of my own life out, but you probably have to put sex on the back burner at least until you like each other more. Have you been away on holiday yet? Maybe an idea would be to say that there should be no expectation for sex from either side for a while, and once that pressure is off things might improve and happen naturally? That also avoids the horrible feeling of being rejected yet again . That's what's happened with us, and while I too climb the walls sometimes, we are a lot more touchy-feely than we were, without the attendant expectation. He certainly can't accuse me of putting him under pressure! But, there will come a time before long when I will have to bring up the subject again, I know. Sometimes I'm too bloody passive for my own good, but I hate confrontation and arguing, so I have to wait for the right opportunities. Keep talking to us and take care of yourself.

Wendy - Okay, but PLEASE don't ask him for these details. If you do this, anything remotely incriminating will be erased before you can get to it. Try to find the password somewhere else - ask to borrow his phone on some pretext (your battery is flat/have left your phone at home - anything!) and request the password really innocently. If it's changed when you next try it, that's suspicious, but check out his face if you ask to borrow the phone.

As for the laptop, just start looking at E mails and history when he's in bed.

I'm sorry, I know this sounds sneaky and underhand, but as so many people will tell you, you need to know and drastic times (which these are) require drastic measures.

Hi everyone,
WWIFN - Ok, I won't ask for them outright, but I will do a bit of snooping around to try and put this to rest. I still don't believe that he's been unfaithful though.
DM - Hi again, I'm glad things are ok for you but I must say, I thought nearly 3 months in the nunnery was tough let alone 6! Hats off to you for sticking this out and not going insane, I'm trying very hard not to and am finding it nearly impossible. It's helpful to hear that you've experienced this resentful and angry phase too, glad it's not just me going nuts! The trouble is that I feel so divided. One side of me is wondering if there really is any end in sight and if I stick around, am I wasting my time because his feelings might never change (especially if he doesn't start opening up to work through this).
The other side doesn't want to chuck it in, not if there is a chance of being closer again, but I know this will take patience and I can wait as long as he tries one hell of a lot harder.
I think that my main problem is that he instigated all of this and I believe that he should work hard at trying his best to put it right (if possible). I don't believe in chucking a bomb into mine and my DC's lives and letting me do all the work whilst trying to cope with the fallout and I can't get my head around not trying everything in his power to resolve things.
I think removing the pressure of sex is a very good idea, but how long can I handle that for? Alternatively, it's not like there's anyone else to do it with! Aargh, help!

I am a believer of you don't know what you have got till its gone. Do it and see what he does. If he cares for you he will fight if not he won't. Life is too short to be in a loveless sexless marriage. He is stringing you along, nice home, family but the opportunity to bugger about. Noooooo! you have a life too. Are you going to sit there at 80 years old thinking "if only" sod that. How many sexy amazing men are there out there. I know you hurt now, but he is wasting your life for you and you are letting him. Do something for you and stop waiting for breadcrumbs x

He rang me tonight and after a very stilted chat from my end, I asked him if he'd thought about what I'd said to him this morning. He said that he'd thought about it a lot and I asked what his conclusions were, and he said that he was still thinking about everything.
Am I being impatient or being walked over?
I agree with you lighthouse about doing something for me and that is how I've been feeling over the last couple of days especially. I'm now wondering if he's going to come back tomorrow night and will either still be thinking about things, have made up his mind that it's unsaveable or will try harder which still leaves things up in the air for me. I ended the conversation leaving it in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to hang on the phone and talk to him anymore and that I'll see him whenever tomorrow. Have just tried to cheer myself up by buying a Cath Kidston bag on Ebay

I'm really sorry but if a man said those things to me I couldn't be with him and I think you are humiliating yourself by wondering 'when' you'll next have sex etc.

I also think that there is a chance you get back with him but only by being less needy. I think if you are able to show you care less than he thinks (not by pretending) then he may want you back. It sounds like he has all the power.

I know it must be horrible to leave the man that you love but I don't think it possible that you will win him back without him realising what he has lost/could lose.

You are right susia, most of the time it does feel like he has all the power. I think that's because I still love him and don't want it to end (needlessly). How do I become less needy, what can I do to turn how I've appeared around?

could you get back onto the course you were doing? Start doing something positive which will help your situation if things don't turn out as planned?

I think you need to start seeking out things you can do which will bring some change in your life and some positive improvements to your social life.

At the moment it seems like you are suffering, your course and change of career are suffering and all because your husband has decided he doesn't feel the same way anymore. Seeing as he seems to be doing little to improve or mend the situation but still kind of expects you to be there for himm it just all seemsa bit one-sided and ufair.

How is it going Wendy?

Hi Dazmum
How are you? How is it going, any improvements on the nunnery?
I'm still there, but things have changed since I last posted. Shortly after I last posted (might have been the night that he came back from yachting) I'd decided to end it. I had worked myself up all day to tell him that night and was very calm about it. Living in this turmoil and never being sure about anything was more than I could handle anymore. We sat down after dinner and I started to tell him how I felt and had barely got going when AT LONG LAST he started to talk.
We covered a lot of ground that night and the next, and things are quite a lot clearer than they were before. I'm still in the nunnery and finding it hard to wait, he (thinks) he still feels more or less the same but we are closer.
He still doesn't want to break up our family and wants us to stay together. I think I'm the one who has more doubts and feel stronger due to everything that's happened. I do want us to be together but on my terms, it's all changed for me. We talked last night and we both eventually want us to get closer physically in time, but I'm not sure how long I'm willing to wait, we'll see.
We're off on holiday tomorrow and we're both looking forward to being together away from home and relaxing.
I hope you're ok and bearing up, I was thinking about you yesterday and how you are doing.
xx

hi wendynut, I last posted on here as sickoftherain a month ago. Unfortunately, 6 days after my post I had a call from the husband of one of H's work colleagues to tell me he thought they were having an affair. He'd found texts on her phone and kept them as proof. I've been on such a roller coaster since, after leaving him for a few days I'm back at home and we're going to Relate which has been great so far. I'm really not sure what I want to do but I just can't carry on in this horrible limbo land. All of this is on another thread so I won't hijack yours by going into the gory details but suffice to say the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line has been trotted out! We are such a cliche..

I was utterly convinced H wouldn't cheat, he is so honest, just didn't seem the type, had piled on weight recently etc and he swears it wasn't physical, just emotional (which is no better imo) but so many of the signs were there, I just didn't want to read them. I really hope this isn't the case for you, but really do recommend counselling to get to the bottom of what is going on.

Hi wendynut, Sorry I haven't been back sooner but the internet has been down for a few days. No change with me, but I don't feel too bad about it at the moment - still in the nunnery sadly, but I have the feeling that very very slowly things are still getting better, it's just the way he is at the moment.I suppose it's because I know him so well that I know that I have to deal with it this way, or we'll be back at square one. I'm glad to hear you are talking and that you have got things out in the air before you went away. Hope you have a really good time, in more ways than one! Look forward to hearing from you when you return and that it's good news.

Tiredoftherain, I am so sorry to hear about what's happened to you, what a truly horrible shock but at least you are working at it with Relate. I hope it works for you both.

Tiredoftherain, have just read your main post elsewhere and can only say that you are doing the right thing. You have a lot of guts and deserve to be happy. x

Hi DM and TOTR
Tiredof, I'm so sorry to hear about your H, what a nightmare for you. I haven't read your thread yet but I'll read it this afternoon when I've got some free time. I hope you're ok and not feeling too stressed out, I know what the limbo land is like! Has going to Relate made you any closer, do you feel like you can get over this?
Glad things are still going in the right direction for you DM. I think we all deserve medals just for the patience and self control we've been showing over these past months, never had any before!
Well I'm still in the nunnery but I'm working on it. The holiday was good apart from the beginning where I felt very tense and stressed and things came to a head (again!)on Tuesday. We had a long night talking/arguing and things improved after that. I think coming home has helped him realise what there is to lose, but he's still distant physically and still no passionate kissing but we do kiss. We talked more this weekend which was positive, and he's become more involved in our day to day lives and 'switched on', whereas he was sort of numb and miles away before. So, it seems to be little steps but hopefully going in the right direction. It's my birthday next week and I really hope that it's all still going well, I've got to organise DH's 40th for a month's time, haven't done anything because of everything that's happened. I'll keep you posted on any developments
xx

Wendy,( or should that be sister Wendy?? ) welcome back - I have been keeping a look out for you! Glad you had a good break. I have nothing new to report, good or bad. Sounds like your DH is making some progress, albeit small steps in the right direction. I am looking for a suitable opportunity to talk but still am reluctant in case its a step back. It's my birthday next month - know what I would like as a present, but not very hopeful, and it wouldn't even cost anything! Back to the old convent then.....

Hi DM,
How are you? Have you talked with DH yet?
I'm still in the blummin' convent and I think it's sending me slightly bonkers, keep having very vivid dreams about life 'outside of the convent' if you see what I mean!
Things have been alright this weekend so far, we actually kissed properly on Friday night and he initiated it, but then he was distant and unaffectionate yesterday and today, it's very confusing. I aid to him that he must have let his guard down on Friday night and it does seem that way, like he needs to keep it up all the time and hold himself back, I don't know what he's trying to prove.
My birthday's on Friday and I wouldn't mind that as a present too DM (or before), I know how you feel!
Tiredof, how's it going at the moment? Have read your thread and can't believe what you've been through. Have there been any more developments? You sound very strong and in control, you go girl!
xx

I think you need to ask him to leave for a bit.

This has been going on for a few months and you deserve more than a few crumbs of affection that he deigns to give you.

He will either realise he can't be without you or you will realise you can be without him.

You have to think what is best for you, then your children.

I absolutely agree with FBGIB

You need to take some control of this farce, and regain some self-respect

all this blowing hot/cold is damaging to you, and your kids must be picking up on the atmosphere

force the situation, make him choose

unless of course, you feel he will choose to bin you, in which case it would be better to know, wouldn't it??

because if you would rather not know, then you are well and truly in a very dark place

He's gone and I feel totally numb. I gave him the ultimatum today and he said goodbye to our kids tonight.He cried while he was packing, but it was his responsibility to tell the kids what he was doing. He was determined to go. I've been with him for 19 years and it's my bloody 38th birthday on Friday. I told him that if he was going, he had to go tonight, he was due to be away Wednesday to Thursday anyway but if he stayed in a B&B tomorrow night, he wouldn't be able to say goodbye to the kids because there was no way that he could come home Thurs night/Fri morning and say goodbye to to all of us on my birthday. I told him that was never going to happen, ever.
Unfortunately for expenses reasons, he's decided to stay in a B&B near his office in Bracknell so that he can offset it, the trouble is, we live in Dorset so we've agreed in the heat of the moment, for him to see the kids on Saturday. The kids are upset, but trying to put a brave face on it. They're both in my bed and I've had my family round(it was late), they are all brilliant and are so supportive. It hasn't really sunk in yet, I know my relationship of 19 years is over and where do I begin again? I've got 2 kids and 2 cats and so much stuff to sort out. I'm trying hard not to think of him in a faceless B&B (I've seen the website) but I really don't care very much . I have absolutely no idea where to begin tomorrow or how to try to separate 19 years of being together. My sister (who knows what it's like) said to just allow myself to collapse over the next couple of days without trying to do anything. I know that I have to feel proper grief, and it won't happen yet. I've never felt such pain in all my adult life, as I have done over these past 4 months, I would like to feel some relief now but am sat here with glass of wine, not wanting to go to bed but knowing that I'll never know the feel of his skin in bed in the morning or the smell of the back of his neck or his arms around me. He is the love of my life but I know that I have to go, start to make a life with our children. This is horrible.

wendynut - have read this and really feel for you. What prompted him to leave now??

I still think there is someone else - sorry but talking to my h who did have an affair he says it is classic. He is just too frightened to be the 'baddie' in the breakup. Look out for someone in the very near future though. there may not have been an actual affair and she may have asked him to leave before it happened. I just dont believe anyone just leaves unless they think there is something better waiting for them.

There is nothing you can do now except to get on with your own life - see a solicitor as soon as you can as you will feel better that you can survive without him. Also sort out bills and things and make the house 'yours' now.

Also expect a bit of self-pity from him - he will tell he he feels awful blah blah blah and may even get you to believe he has had a breakdown (which he may have had). But you must let that be his problem now. However had it is for you he must now sort out his problems.

Do take the time to grieve too - and if you want to just wallow in bed for a while do that - there are only so many tears and if you get them all out sooner you will slowly see that you do not want to waste your life feeling like this.

Good luck anyway and i am thinking of you.

Oh, I am so so sorry

I too believe there is someone else, men do not leave to live in a grotty b+b just to stare at the walls

Keep contact with him to an absolute minimum, only discuss what needs to be done wrt the children for now

He is going to cry, he is going to try and dump his guilt on you, he may even want to bounce back to you in the near future, if there is an ow he may vacillate between the two of you

Have your few days of complete collapse, then get tough and decide what you want, do not be thrown into the depths of despair by this man ever again

Oh Wendy I am so sorry. I imagine you must be feeling as though your world has ended. Your sister is right - you need to grieve now and there is time enough to sort out practicalities later. I hope you've got support to help you though the coming days.

You know what I think and always have and I predict the same as others. I sense with your H that he cares very much about what people think about him and when he unveils the new person in his life, he will insist till the cows come home that the relationship started after you and he had ended. I assume you didn't snoop and/or find anything?

Living the life you were while he was vacillating about what to do must have been so debilitating. You do at last have some control over your life now and I have read your posts throughout and you are blessed with a good sense of humour which will carry you through these dark days. It will seem inconceivable now, but you will meet someone again and it will feel amazing to have someone who is really into you and can't keep his hands off you. We all deserve that and life has a funny way of rewarding people in your situation.

Your DH on the other hand is far more likely to rue what he has lost and if there IS someone else, take comfort that relationships that start with deceit rarely stand the test of time. I hope that by that time, you will be ensconced with a man who adores you and you won't give H a backward glance.

Well done for taking control and keep well. The worst really is over.

Wendy, I am so, so sorry, all the time I was hoping that things would work out for you. I can't think of anything else to say, other than to take the advice that others are giving you here. I am thinking of you and your girls, and we are all here for you. You can get over this, you have been the strong one all along, and you can keep going, but be kind to yourself for the next few days x

Thanks to everyone for your kind comments. Still feeling numb and all at sea really, one minute I think I feel a little better, then something happens or something pops into my head and I'm back to square 1. Had first contact with him yesterday. I didn't want to but it was a case of having to and it was only by text thank god because I just can't handle hearing his voice right now. He'd texted my eldest DD a couple of times on Tuesday, in the first one he asked how she and her little sis were and how I was. He said he was sorry about the night before (when he left) and that he never meant to hurt her. She said she was ok but she'd been on a pre-arranged day out with her friends on Tuesday and stayed there overnight in the end (her friend's mum has been a good friend to me and has been great to talk to over the last couple of days, she's been through it too). In the second text he asked if she'd had a good day with her mates (and asked again how I was). He texted her again yesterday to say he was going to ring them last night and to tell him the best time to do it. That's when I texted him and just said to ring them at 8pm on the home phone and that we also have to make arrangements for the weekend and to only contact me by text. I also told him that I need to know how much is being spent on B&B's and he only stayed in the Bracknell one the night he left. He stayed at a work colleague's house Tuesday night (who is going through a divorce at the moment) and I know he was in a hotel in Hull last night on business.
I don't know how to organise this for the weekend, I don't know if he's intending to drive back to his friend's house on Sunday night. His friend is in St. Albans and his house is in the process of being sold so I know that can't last too long. I'm glad he's not in a B&B because that will be too expensive to maintain.
God it was hard when he rang the kids, I could hear him asking eldest DD how she was and she said not too bad. He asked if mum was upset and she said sometimes, yes. Youngest DD broke my heart telling him all about her cuddly toy and then said that she'd be sleeping in mummy's bed tonight again and she didn't know why.
All through these months, he hasn't told his parents anything and I presume he still hasn't because I haven't had a phone call. I know that they'll ring me on my birthday tomorrow so I'll tell them what their bloody son has done then, I won't lie and say nothing. Only my friend that I mentioned earlier knows what's happened and she was so shocked. We went out to dinner with her and her husband a month ago and everything seemed so fine.
On Monday, I was the one who said he had to leave. He was still keeping me at arms length (despite our kiss Friday night) and I said that he hadn't really tried to rebuild the closeness between us, despite me giving him so many opportunities and time. He said that he had been trying, but to him that was just keeping things calm and pleasant (I can't say it was ever pleasant!) on a day to day basis. I asked him if he was ever going to try properly because I'd had enough. I told him that I had nothing more to say, I'd said it all so many times anyway and it was now up to him. So I went upstairs and did some cleaning just to keep me occupied and he sat in the garden for at least an hour while I was doing this and I just knew that it was over. When I went downstairs I asked him what was happening and he said he couldn't see a way forward, his feelings hadn't changed and he didn't think they ever would. He couldn't see any alternative but to leave.
After sorting out the B&B we just looked at each other as if to say this is the point of no return, you've got to go and tell the DD's now. We went upstairs and he packed first, then I called the DD's into our bedroom. Youngest was asking what was wrong anyway and H and I were both crying (god my hands are shaking while I write this). I hugged them both and told them to remember that their dad and I both love them very much and that I was sorry. Then they went round to him and he hugged them and said that he had to go away for a while and that mummy and daddy had been having a hard time with each other. He looked at me and asked 'How far should I go?' and I shook my head at him to say don't you dare start telling them that you don't love me anymore, it's just too much information. He asked them to look after their mum and that it was all his fault and none of it was mine. Then he left.
I know that I've worked my arse off for the last 4 months to hold us together and I can at least hold my head up about that. I really did try. The future is so scary, I'm so shocked at being alone.
x

wendy - it will be a very up and down time for a while yet. Be kind to yourself and take all the help you can.

Dont expect any support from his parents - just tell them what has happened and ask them to talk to him. They will always support him and will take his side and will believe that it was you who drove him to this. I say this from bitter experience - my MIL was foul to me when my h had his affair and blamed me for him staying.

Small steps now.