Can anyone help?

[wendynut]

Hi
I've never done this before so it feels a little weird, but I'd love some advice, I feel very desperate. My husband told me that he didn't love me any more about 6 weeks ago. We've been together for 19 years and married for 15, we have 2 beautiful daughters aged 8 and almost 13 and a lovely home. We agreed to try and make it work and I thought things were going pretty well. But the thought of him not loving me had been gnawing away at me and it came out on Saturday night. I walked out and stayed at my sisters close by. I didn't sleep and left at 6 am to see my mum. I came back home early yesterday morning and we've been trying to talk it out.
I just can't believe he doesn't love me, i feel like he's ripped out my soul. He's the love of my life and I can't live without him. We've always had a good relationship and are best friends. I am adamant that I don't want us to split up. I don't want to destroy the kids, they know something is wrong, and I don't want to lose everything we've built up together over the years. I haven't worked since I had the kids and have always looked after them and supported my husband in his career. I know that no-one else is involved, he isn't having an affair. The prospect of waking up every morning without him and dealing with the kids all by myself is terrifying. I barely managed to drive them to school a minute ago and I feel like I'm falling to bits. He's trying to reschedule things so that he can get home from work earlier but I need him here. I'm 37 and I don't want to start again. He's my soulmate and if it wasn't for the kids I think I'd rather be dead than have to live without him. I'm going to my mums soon, can't sit here alone.

I'm so sorry... this is awful. Like many others I'd be soooo suspicious. Far too much staying in hotels and so on - can you check on him eg by ringing the next hotel room he stays in to see who picks up. Christ, even put on a silly voice and pretend to be reception asking to speak to "Mrs Wendynut" in the room, because she dropped her purse and it's been handed in (or something). The pattern of what he's doing is exactly what I went through during my H's affair btw, that's why I'm saying this. The distancing, emotionally and physically, then saying 'I don't think I love you anymore".

Of course, this was because he was interested in someone else. Also, a friend of ours just did this to his wife - of course, he could look her in the eye and say 'there's no-one else' because he was only flirting with his colleague at the time and luckily (for his balls, if I had got hold of him), decided to set to work on the marriage, not the colleague. I am glad you kicked him out, though - often actually seeing the consequences of such actions and having to slum it on sofas etc makes people remember why their relationship and married life was actually better than being single after all.

PS - in-laws can also be a revelation. My MIL disowned H for 6 weeks 'until he has the guts to call me and wants to explain himself'. She's a right old pain at times but that made me very fond of her indeed.

Wendy I can feel your pain just by reading this. You are in an awful situation and I'm glad your friend is being supportive and also your family.

You know only too well what a lot of us think on here and I wondered whether you had considered that this might actually be a good thing (if there is an OW)? I know that sounds strange, but if you really do want to fight for your marriage, it might help you to think that up until now, it has been impossible to compete. Most affairs are about escapism, they very often happen at key life catalysts (illness in family, milestone birthday looming) and for a time, people in the grip of them go through a kind of temporary insanity.

For a time, while these things take place in an illicit bubble, it is impossible for the unknowing spouse to compete. They have no idea there is anything to compete for and so they go about their daily lives as normal, knowing deep down that something is not right, but not being able to put their finger on quite what it is. It is not a level playing field and therefore the comparisons many adulterers make between the affair partner and their life partner are odious and unrealistic.

Normally, once the shit has really hit the fan and the affair starts to intrude on reality, people "wake up" and come to their senses. Sometimes this takes a while though.

If he really has decided (with no outside influences) that he wants out of the marriage, then I think you should cut your losses and accept that.

You might need to think "Ok, if it IS an affair, what would I want if he ended it and asked to come back?" Really consider that question. If the answer is that (with conditions) you would have him back, then there might be some hope for this marriage. But as long as he maintains his story of there being no-one else, you can't deal with the reality.

My advice to you, either if he wants out for good, or just THINKS he wants out because he's having an affair, is the same, actually.

Continue what you're doing in making him realise the seriousness of this. In a few days time, book an appointment with a solicitor and tell him (by text) that this is what you are doing. Start making noises about finances and future plans generally. Act tough, even if you feel anything but inside.

Once he sees that you are taking control of your life and have appeared to have accepted that it is really over (you might even want to feign relief that you can now move on with your life) it might just be the thing that causes him to "wake up".

Take support wherever you can over the coming weeks and stick to your guns Wendy. View this as a task that you must accomplish - you see, by taking control at last, you are now in fight mode and at the moment, you think he is the prize. You might just find that at the end of all this, you don't want him, though and that will be his (and so many other men's who have gone this way) tough luck.

Thinking of you.

Thinking of you today Wendy and over the weekend: you will get through it x

Hi Wendynut - how are you today?

I was wondering that too.

Hi Whenwill
Been feeling pretty low today (and yesterday) thanks. DH was here for the first time on Saturday, I left him to it at home with the DD's for a few hours and then took them away so we could talk. It was very awkward at first and I got a few things off my chest and he went to stay at my sisters that night, he's been there for every night so far.
He was with us all day Sunday and after work every night including tonight. I want him to see the kids and I've needed his help each night and the stupid thing is that it all feels so normal. When my sister asked him how things had gone on the first night, he said it was like he'd got his best friend back and that's exactly what I'd said to her beforehand (but he didn't know that).
I did our finances this afternoon and we can't afford to support another household as well as our own, so I'm going to break the news to him later. I'm job hunting but it won't be easy as I've been a SAHM for 13yrs but do want to get out there now and not only have some more money coming in, but meet new people and have more of a 'life'. This is as well as doing my nutritional therapy course, which is what I want to do above everything.
I've been thinking about counselling today and saying to DH that I think we should go, we've got nothing to lose really.
I'm still positive there is no OW and nothing has happened or come to light to indicate anything like that. My IL rang the house on the night of my birthday 3 times but I was at my sisters and they didn't leave a message. He told me that he'd rung and told them last Tuesday (the day after he left) and I still have heard nothing from them! You would think that they'd pick the phone up (they live in France), at the very least to see if their granddaughters were alright. I must say, it doesn't surprise me that much, hiding from emotions and not facing up to things runs in the family.
Hope you're well
x

Sorry, hi DM too!
x

Good to hear from you Wendy. It's all sad, but you have already made some decisions, and it's good to hear that you are determined to carry on with your course. As I have said before, I have had good experiences from counselling, if you get the right one of course, and all the better if you are both willing to try it. I suppose you would be going into it with an idea of finding out why this has happened and not necessarily a reconciliation? Even if he doesn't want to go, it may help you, it was the making of me.

My XILs didn't contact me either, my XH asked me to call them after he had told them of the split, which I did, but it was all very awkward, as I was still very fond of them. I think my ex MIL partly blamed him anyway. We didn't have children though, which made it easier. I think they were really upset and just didn't know what to say, and didn't want to appear to take sides, so it may be the same with yours too? Take care, hope your girls are ok back at school. x

Hi DM

DD's are back to school thanks and it's good to get them back into a routine. How is everything going with you, any progress?
We talked for a long time last night, he didn't get back to my sisters until midnight. It's definitely over and there doesn't seem to be any going back for him and it hurt all over again. I think that we need to have a proper talk with the DD's on Friday night and explain things more clearly. Youngest DD is confused and seems to be fighting with older one more often and lashing out, older DD has suddenly grown up and seems strained. I changed some things in the house this morning, photo's and things like that, to make it feel more 'mine'. I seem to be on the verge of tears nearly all of the time and cry very easily, is this normal? I suggested counselling last night but he couldn't see any point to it.
My IL had sent me an email but it was in my spam folder (he spoke to them yesterday) and he said that they thought it was a shame they couldn't talk to the children or me. I said that all they had to do was pick up the phone so I don't know what that's all about.
What did you get out of counselling if you don't mind me asking? In what ways was it helpful? I have no experience of it and don't know how to approach it.
Take care
x

Hi Wendynut - feel a bit like an intruder here as you are getting such good advice and empathy from women in similar situations. However just thought I would reassure you that what you are feeling is absolutely normal in the circumstances. Bereavement is about loss (of any kind not just death) and you will be going through the stages of bereavement which are things like denial, anger, sadness, hurt, guilt, etc and the problem is that they don't go forward in a straight line. You will sometimes take 2 steps forward and 1 step back and the hurt will be huge, there is just no getting away from it. There is no short cut I'm afraid - it's a cliche I know but it is only time that heals and allows you to come to some sort of acceptance.

As far as counselling is concerned, I think so much depends on the counsellor, so try to find a good one and make sure they are affiliated to the British Association of Counsellors/physcotherapists (on google). Not sure if you can afford private counseling but hope you can find the money as waiting for an NHS one is sometimes a long job, or could you try Relate. The main thing is that you feel comfortable with whoever you see and the first session should be about making sure that this is the case. The first few sessions will be difficult and tiring (try to arrange to sleep after) bereavement is draining anyway and counselling on top is more so. I do think however this would be a good support for you at the present time as you are going through one of life's most truly awful experiences.

As you will see from others on here you will come through............over time, and the rawness of the hurt will ease, but only in time. In the meantime, try to stay as strong as you can for your girls (you sound such a lovely mom) so I am sure that you will always put their needs first. Alos try to look after yourself physically as much as possible, eat healthily and get as much sleep as possible.

Sending you good wishes.

Me again - just noticed you asked what counselling was all about and what you can expect to get out of it. Firstly it is not a magic bullet and won't take the pain away. However, it does sometimes help to talk about your feelings with someone right outside of the situation. The "agenda" is yours and a good counsellor will merely manage the process and mostly listen initially to how you are feeling etc. before making a agreat deal of comment. I wonder if you are feeling wary about what a counsellor may want to discuss but remember that is up to you and you only discuss what you want/need to. If she goes on to something that you are not ready for then say so and she should back off. However counselling is also about challenging some beliefs/attitudes that we have and this can be helpful if done in a sensitive way, and help us to see things from a different angle.

I would not necessarily rush into counselling however as you are still so raw and have good support in any event. You could always read around bereavement and grieving to reassure yourself about the process that you are going through and this might help a little. A good book I read when bereaved was "A grief Observed" by C.S.Lewis. It is about the death of his wife but the first sentence says "I never knew grief felt so much like fear" and that hooked me as that was exactly how I felt. He also talks about "red hot memories" hitting you on the back of the neck when you're not looking and you will get those too I'm afraid. Oh god why is life so bloody dtough .........do take care and keep posting as I think you will get excellent support here.

Hi Wendy, good advice there from NanaNina about counselling and dealing with grief. I agree with all she says.

I was very lucky with mine, which is why I have such a positive attitude to it I suppose. I went privately, to someone who was recommended, but wasn't cheap, and that was some 14 years ago. I was in an unhappy marriage which just wasn't going anywhere, and I suppose I wanted some advice on what to do with the rest of my life. My counsellor and I just sat in her house and talked - well I talked a lot, and through her comments and questions she made me think about what I really wanted, which was to leave. I was worried about what everyone would think and say rather than about what was best for me, and helped me realise that I deserved to be happy and that a lot of things weren't my fault. My XDH was a nice man, but fond of going to the pub more than being with me, and was more of a friend than anything else. (Still is!) She didn't actually give me tasks to do each week, but I felt as though I wanted to go back each time to tell her something positive that I had done. It was really 'empowering' and just turned me into a more positive person. I had a lot of empathy with her and felt I could tell her anything, without being judged or dictated to. I suspect that women are more used to saying how they feel than men and therefore find it easier in counselling?

I have no experience, but think it's probably quite normal that your girls are acting the way they are, confused and angry. Good idea for you both to talk to them, and at least they can hear what you both have to say together, rather than two different sides. I'm sure others will have some ideas on this part of it.

I am fine myself, no further progress but quite happy really, in a weird sort of way! Don't want to hijack your post, because it's you that needs the support now.

Take care and be kind to yourself. x

Thanks Nananina and DM for your support and help. I feel really low right now, can't seem to keep the tears at bay. Have been doing ok for the last few days, have even got a job interview on Thursday which was a real boost. For some reason I'm a complete wreck today, feel desperately lonely, angry and upset. I got a call from my mum a little while ago to see how I am and it all caved in after that.
Cried in youngest DD's school this morning after deputy head said some very kind things and that she'd been through it herself, so was frantically tying to blink tears away and get out. The friend that I've referred to in an earlier post works at the school and has told everyone there. I had the head come up to me at the end of last week, she was really nice but I could have done without the world and his wife knowing my private business. I'm a very private person anyway and this has really annoyed me.
I'm quite scared about the interview, worried about money and the rate that DH goes through it for work, totally bloody hating being on my own and having to put a brave face on everything all of the time and worried about DD's and how they're coping. Sorry about my rant but I've had enough today.

its ok to have low days - sometimes it is your bodies way to tell you to just give in for a while.
Try to think of some of the good things you have achieved and not see the down side. But i know this is easier said than done.

It is hard for others to know how to react - i am sure your friend meant well - even if it has made you cross for now.

Thanks HW,
Sorry about the rant yesterday, it was a very odd day. Feeling more like myself today and had some good news yesterday afternoon, I've got another interview! It's on the same day as the other one (Thursday) and I feel really excited. I know that it's scary but I've got to turn that into a positive. Had a talk with the DD's last night and made the situation clearer for them, especially for my youngest who didn't know what was going on. It was hard but they seemed to be ok which is the main thing. Hope everyone on here is ok?
x

you are allowed to rant - and good luck with the interviews - it will be a real boost to your self-esteem and even if you dont get these jobs you have done so well in such a short space of time and should very proud of yourself.

Wendy - glad you are feeling better today and so pleased you were able to talk to your daughters. It's great news about the interviews too. Working will make the world of difference to your esteem and it will open up a totally new set of horizons for you.

I have always noticed a pattern that develops after people have gone through a horrible crisis (myself included). Suddenly, good things start to happen to that person. Opportunities come out of the blue and good news starts to come through. As a Christian, I will say up front that I have always believed that when we need it most, this is God's way of helping us all through the toughest times. However, what ever you believe about a higher order, I sense that after these truly awful few months, the only way is up for you now.

Don't be embarrassed about your tears at school. I think we all know that kindness when we are still raw always generates tears! Keep strong and keep posting Wendy. What's the contact been like with your H?

Hi Wendy, good to hear from you, wow 2 interviews, that's really something these days!

I'm with HappyWoman about your friend, she probably wanted to spare you the upset of people asking you seemingly innocent questions, so her motives were good.

Of course you will have bad days, but you are having more positive ones too, and they will increase as time goes on and you achieve more for yourself: you are a very strong person I think! What you are achieving is what I was trying to explain about my 'tasks' each one makes you stronger. However, rant all you like here when you need to.

I'll be thinking of you Thursday, please let us know how you get on, maybe you will have two jobs to choose from! x

Hope the interviews went well!

Hi DM (and everyone else)

Thankyou all for your positive and helpful posts, I can't tell you how much they lift my spirits and cheer me up!
Well, the interviews went well (I think!), especially the second one which is for the job that interests me more. At the first interview, the director of the family company (one of their sons) looked so nervous as well as being much younger than me, it really made me laugh and helped me to relax. That job seemed quite dull and not for me but we'll see about the other one, you never know!
Contact with my H has been very good, he comes to the house straight from work everyday and we all have dinner together, he helps with the DD's and things around the house, then he goes to my sister's for the night. At weekends (tomorrow will be the third one) he arrives each morning and leaves in the evening when girls are in bed. It is strange but harder for me than for him because seeing him brings so many different feelings to the surface that I have to keep under control, whereas a lot of those feelings are gone for him. Saying that, I've found that I want him less and I haven't cried for a few days. Each time I see him it gets a little easier. I know that there is no way around seeing him as often because I want this level of contact with the DD's and as far as I'm concerned, it should stay that way. He's been haring around the country on business since Wednesday and been away the last 2 nights and I feel calmer and more 'rational' IYSWIM? The girls and I have settled into a routine which isn't much different from before he left because he wasn't home til late anyway and left very early.
Being 'brave' yesterday and pushing myself has made me feel really strong and I like it. I've got no idea what the future will bring but I know that I want to make it so good, the absolute best that I can. My sis is coming round tonight for some fun and a few drinks so I told H that he can have dinner with us and then to spend some time with the girls back at sis's house with her DH, cousins and kittens and to bring girls home later. It will be odd with just of the 2 of us in the house but I'm really looking forward to it.
Hope things are going well for you DM and you are such a kind person WWIFN.
x

Aaah, Wendy, you have brought a tear to my eye! You are doing really well now you aren't in limbo any more looking back at your first post, you have come through the worst I think.

I am ok, actually plucked up the courage to say what I was feeling to DH last weekend, it was just getting to me so much. I said I needed a cuddle when we were in bed,(which we did) and that I missed him. He said he was feeling much better in himself and about us, and it gave me the feeling that we are very, very slowly moving back in the right direction. Looking back to how were were this time last year we have improved 100%, it was bad. So, I feel better at having got everything off my chest for now at least, and I am going to continue to talk to him about it rather than bottling it all up. I still feel impatient at times, but think this is the way I have to deal with it, as I know him best.

We are going out for my birthday tomorrow night which I am looking forward to, though not expecting that 'present' that we mentioned a while back!

Take care and hope you have a good evening with your sister and H later!

PS what's WWIFN?!

Hi DM (and all)
Sorry, WWIFN is short for WhenwillIfeelnormal who has posted too. I'm still trying to get the hang of these abbreviations!
I'm so glad you've spoken to your DH and are feeling better for talking to him. Knowing that you are on the right track and looking to the future together is such a great feeling and I'm so happy for you.
How did your birthday evening go? Hope you had a fab time even if you've got to wait a bit longer for your main 'present'!
Well I've got some news... the job that I said seemed a bit dull (first interview)...
I GOT IT!!! They rang me on Friday afternoon which was quick considering I only had the interview the day before. I said I'll think about it and get back to them by Wednesday and hopefully, I should hear about the other one today or tomorrow. Not bad eh? First interview in years and I get the job yahoo!
I'll take it if the other one doesn't come through, it's completely different from what I used to do pre-DD's but intriguing.
Had a relaxing weekend with H. Sis and dad popped round on Saturday and it was H's 40th birthday yesterday which was strange. I don't think he really knows what to do with himself (apart from working) and he seemed a bit down which is not like him. We made him a cake and gave him a couple of presents (from the DD's) and had a nice day really. He thanked me when he left last night, he wasn't expecting it and he had no intention of celebrating it after what he's done, so it was a nice surprise for him. I said that even though he's a cold-hearted jerk, I wouldn't have ignored his birthday!
It hit me just as he was going and I had to hold it together as we said goodbye then I shut the door and cried. It wasn't the sort of crying like before, when it hurt so damn much to see him go and wishing he'd turn around and come back to us. It was just an unbelievable sadness at the waste of it all. At the fact that my husband's 40 and look at the state of his life (and ours).
I feel very lively and energetic today and am waiting for the phone to ring so that I can make some decisions about work. I can't believe how much has happened in not quite 3 weeks, it's all a bit of a blur really.
Hope you are all well
x

well done wendy - dont forget you are still on that emotional rollercoaster though and will still have some lows - and it is ok to feel that and have a cry too if you want. Take time to grieve for what you have lost and spend some time finding out about you again now.

Good luck with the other job too.

Wendy, that's brilliant, well done! Have you heard about the other one yet?

I had a nice birthday weekend, the actual day was Monday when I was working, but had lovely cards (with very nice words), cake, fizz and presents. Think I might be 95 before I get 'that' sort of present and by then I won't remember why I wanted it!