How can I exact revenge on the woman who destroyed my marriage

[ballbaby]

Sorry if I sound like a psycho bitch but i found out on Wednesday morning that h has been seeing someone and he was gone by wednesday night leaving me and 6yo and 3yo. I've been with him for nearly 20 years(I'm 36 so I've not had any other serious relationship). The anger I've woken up with this morning is a change from the crying I've been doing for the last 48 hours

I'm not asking for support as I'm getting plenty from h family, my family and friends. I'm starting a phase of thinking he was a completely selfish b***d all through our marriage and he might have done me a favour actually. I could really do with a laugh though so the more off the wall your suggestions the better

Unfortunately i only know her first name and don't think h will tell me any more so carrying out any of these might be quite difficult. But I'll enjoy considering them.

She'll always be looking over her shoulder in case you DO wreak your revenge (I'm not suggesting you do, just indicating her mental state IYSWIM). She'll feel guilty for the rest of her life for knowing she broke up a marriage. She'll probably always wonder if he's going to do the same thing to her that he did to you. Maybe she'll never be able to completely trust him. She knows you (as the mother of his children) and the kids have a place in his heart that she'll never be able to fill. HTH

However, as others have said, the best revenge is living well. I hope that when you're in a better place you'll remember that and act upon it. Best wishes to you x

Not all women feel guilty about the effect they have had, by having an affair.
Some women have no sense of 'sisterhood'.
But hold your head up high.Walk tall. You know you have better morals/integrity than them. That should be satisfaction enough. Well should be. I am sure we can think of nasty things to do to her though

And enjoy this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/779474-Advice-required

She has a lot to look forward to. When you can bear it, make sure you are extremely friendly and accommodating when he comes to see the kids. Knowing what he is and what he is capable of, making her live in constant paranoia like this silly woman will be the best revenge of all.

Oh Abedelia I'd hoped you'd come on! Yes, I saw that thread too and thought the same! Hope all is well with you and pregnancy. Hope we can help this OP here.

Poor you

I do think that she will be always paranoid though, either that you will wreak revenge OR that he will leave her like he has left you. If he can lie, cheat and deceive you, he can do it to her.

Not a great start to a relationship, is it?

She's not the problem here. Your DH is. He sounds like a prize. You should be feeling sorry for her, not looking to take revenge on her.

I remember reading a book called the Revenge of a Middle Aged Woman (or something like that). Fiction, it depicted a bloke who ran off with a younger woman leaving behind a respectable, gentle middle aged mother of 2. She was left to deal with all the crap and he swanned of with OW.

As the story unfolds she regains her dignity, rebuilds her life and gets a new man, a lovely man, to spend time with. He, on the other hand, becomes increasingly tired trying to keep up with younger woman then finds himself with a new baby on the way and has to go through the whole parenthood thing again, despite the fact that he's not really a very hands on dad.

Result? He has a crap time. Woman has a great life. I know it's only fiction, but it does highlight that the leaving partner isn't always the one to benefit.

You have to make this work for you and harbouring such negative feelings towards a woman who has landing the prize of a dickhead for a partner hardly seems a positive way forward.

I hope you feel better about your life soon and that your family continues to offer you the support you'll need over the coming months.

It has taken me 3 years but I have a good life now - and my cheating twat of an XH and his dirty little hussy have naff all except layers and layers of distrust and deceit !
Yes it gets better and a man who can cheat is not a man you want to keep !

Yes sorry, my last post was all about her.
But poor you. And like others have said it was your dh that betrayed you.
I hope that your pain gets less and less very quickly.

And of course, we all know people this has happened to, and generally speaking, the abandoned spouse is the one who ends up having a better life.

But let's not forget - this happened to the OP only a few days ago. She has had the shock of her life and this is her relationship of 20 years. She is unlikely to be able to project (at the moment) the happy life we are all sure she could have. She might want to save her marriage and it might actually be worth fighting for too.

No matter what you hear, OP, some people can change and your marriage can get stronger for this. It's a bloody hard, painful road, but you are in shock and cannot make those decisions just yet.

What you can do is trust us that life will get better from this point on. The worst part is over - the not knowing what was going on. Information is power and at least you get to make some decisions now.

WhenwillIfeelnormal - that was a fantastic post! I wish I'd read something like that when my ex left.
The best revenge is to look fantastic and happy (on the outside at least), be civil and pleasant and act like this was all your idea.
She will be so used to him saying bad things about you it will really unnerve her when he starts telling her how good you are being / how you've had your hair done / how good you are looking these days etc etc.
And best of all when he realises what a mistake he's made and he comes back with his tail between his legs looking for another chance you can tell him to f**k right off! Because by then you will have met someone fantastic and you will see him for the worm he is.

My SIL's husband left her for another woman but he still pays for her, visits her often, fitted her new kitchen, even goes on holiday with her. It all seems very odd and we're not close and in a different country so don't know the details but...strikes me that must be very annoying and unsettling for the other woman.

I visualise smashing other woman's head into the ground and stamping on her - it's ok to have homicidal fantasies as long as you don't act on them Can you tell I am still in the "anger" stage too.

H is now back home with me after seeing the light ! He is now also very angry with OW - who was very manipulative. H and myself are now in counselling - he has had a breakdown which everyone could see apart from this woman who just wanted him regardless of who she hurt along the way including kicking out her own H to make way for mine. H best friend visited him whilst he was with her and took him to one side and told him he was dying (he was suicidal) and that woman did not care as she had want she wanted ie him. He told him he had to get out to save his own life.

When I found out about the affair (I didn't even know he was living with her as he told me he was staying with an old school friend) I made him come and pack up his things in binbags and give me back the keys to the house etc. He was extremely emotional at this stage and told me he was contemplating suicide but I still made him do it as he needed to face what he was doing. He was back living with him mum within the week and we had started Relate sessions. She was his rock bottom that made him realise he needed serious help.

I do have lovely fantasies of what I will say to her if ever I see her whilst maintaining my dignity all the time ie Never underestimate the strength of a marriage, men always affair downwards, the OW is always trash and she was certainly no exception to that rule .

Sorry for the rant - can you tell I'm still very, very angry And don't think my H got away lightly - I actually pummelled him with punches (she tried to get him to get me arrested F*ing bitch - after enticing their father to leave his 4 kids, she wanted their mother arrested) - he is 6ft tall and 18stone and I'm 5ft tall and 7 stone, so no damaged was done !

Hope things work out for you and take control - it is the only way.

-Demand that he keeps the cat or dog

-Get fit/fitter, more beautiful, look after yourself

-Be happy, liberated and breezy

-Be friendly towards his new lady and wish her all the best with him

best wishes

The best revenge by far is being happy and watching them being miserable, and that will probably come (because he has bagged himself a selfish bint who doesn't give a crap about tearing a family apart, and she has bagged herself a cheating twat - so good luck with that relationship guys!). The moral high ground feels good - never stoop to doing anything cruel or harmful. Keep it subtle and innocent. The bag of anusol and ponies is definitely along the right lines!

Also you must think up a nickname for her that will always make you smile when you think of her or even see her. When I was cheated on once in my youth, a friend named the OW "Vermin" because she had a kind of rodent-esque face. Simple but it really helped. My friend would come round and say "You'll never guess - I saw VERMIN at the supermarket, she looked like shit!" Always cheered me up.

Hi whenwillI - all's fine and H is being very overprotective / guilty, telling me he's sorry for what he did every day. He thinks I'm going to suddenly realise he's a 'waste of space', as he puts it, and pack my bags. Pregnancy hormones must give me some sort of air of invincibility!

Back to OP - the thread I referred to also shows that the bloke's life is being made hell by the OW's suspicions he is up to his old tricks - especially as it's with someone he has a huge shared history with.

Even if the OW and him stay together (quite unlikely once they get past the romance to the 'oh, they fart in bed, just like any other human' stage, and have to face the wrath of family and friends who think they are a selfish pair of shits), they will always be beholden to you. He will always have to look your children in the eye and one day tell them what he did, then face their questions. And that's definitely punishment.

The best revenge is to live well and realise that she will get the same treatment one day. I think many people who knowingly get involved with married men with kids are not quite right in the head really so somewhere along the line probably show their psycho colours. The novelty will wear off for him after a while and he will see the grass is not greener! Also, maybe one day she will be explaining to her crying kids where their daddy has gone?

A friend of mine had an affair with a MM years ago and was always bitter about the ex wife and although the beginnings of their relationship were 'something out the movies' (her words) it soon wore off and they became miserable. She said to me that leaving his wife for her, he never had to change or comprimise, just swapped one woman for another BUT the problems were with HIM so continued to the next relationship. These kind of men never really settle down nor realise they are half to blame and need to work at a marriage not just up and run when it gets tough and someone else offers refuge.

the best form of revenge is for you to pick yourself up after the grieving period and get on and enjoy your life.

I was able to ring my ex 3 months after he left and thank him for leaving us as I was having a much better time without him than I had been having with him

he laughed very nervously, I now have the upper hand on everything.

Agree with jeallybeans.
If it is within a person to have an affair, then I suspect it is possible/likely he will do it again. He doesn't stand much chance, the foundations are not there, for a happy relationship with OW.
But although it is hard to do, you must try and stop yourself thinking about him, and just think about yourself.

"what goes around, comes around"

what toughdaddy says about looking after yourself is true as well, my friends and family are amazed at my transformation and I have never felt better.

Have been out and it's been nice to come back and read all your comments - they've given me a lot to think about. Every now and then i get an urge to send him a flame mail but like the bit about keeping the moral high ground so will try to stay strong.

Haven't told the kids yet - i have to say they haven't even asked about him because he's often not here with us (shift work). Any recommended threads about what/how to tell the kids? The 6yo is very young for his age and i don't think he will understand very well. I'm determined to do whatever it takes to make life as good for 2ds's as possible, which means being very nice about their dad in front of them.

Enjoyed the OW thread! But found it very sad also.

I don't really know much about h and ow relationship - I'm pretty sure he's not moving in with her. my b-i-l told me h had been crying yesterday. h is 40 this year and i think this is all a midlife crisis.

So far I can't believe how strong I've been. I know there will be dark days ahead but I've got my boys with me, I know I'm a good (though sometimes grumpy) mum, a job that I'm good at, some quality friends, and lots to look forward to. And of course mumsnet helps!

Sorry to hear that you are having a really tough time.
I only have one horrible experience of a partner having an affair and it was very painful.
While I wanted to do something to hurt him like he had hurt me I opted to do something very subtle to massively inconvenience him. I threw away the 'right' of every pair of shoes he had. It was priceless watching him going round the house trying to find his lost shoe.
Never told him to this day what I did but sometimes I have a chuckle when I see him, still single and very sad.
I on the other hand came out on top as you will because you haven't deceived anyone or lied (and that means a lot). I am very happily married now with 3 kids.
Good Luck
Loved the post about my little pony!!!

I suspect you're being strong because you're in shock, ballbaby. But you will grieve too and I'd counsel you to find out as much as you can about OW, where he is living etc. Sounds like BIL is being supportive to you, which is great and it certainly could be a mid-life crisis. Did you kick him out or did he leave to be with her?

At some point in the coming days, he will want to see the children. I would agree between you what you will say to them and then do it together. If you think there's a chance this marriage can be mended, try to be vague and say something along the lines of "Daddy needs to stay somewhere else at the moment, but he will still see you while he sorts things out." Try your best not to lie to them, but you can be evasive. If, on the other hand, you think he's gone for good and you want that too, perhaps it's best to go into the "mummy and daddy still love you but can't live together anymore" approach.

I'm glad you've got lots of support and that will help you, for sure. By the way, it's perfectly normal to feel sorry for your DH in all this - lots of us did, and it surprised us. If you love someone, you hate hearing of them being in pain, even if if it is self-inflicted. Feelings cannot be switched off overnight.

I know exactly what you've asked for, as I did this when my husband ran off with his secretary, and it cheered me up enormously. It helps to take away the feeling that you have absolutely no control of your own life, and as long as it's a cheerful revenge fantasy that never spills over into reality - thankfully, mine never did - then it's a perfectly valid (if quirky) coping mechanism.

My favourite scenario was that I would be scuba diving in very deep water, and my slime monster ex-dh would be in a dinghy overhead. He would fall into the water, plummet to the depths, where I would meet him as I swam there to allow him to share the air in my tanks. He'd take a deep breath, and would then swim rapidly towards the surface, not knowing that the air in his lungs would expand, his lungs would explode, all very messy and OVER for him. HA!

In real life I never swore at him, never shouted and was as rational as it was possible to be, and we ended up being on quite civil terms - but if I hadn't fantasised about the horrid things I'd like to happen to him, maybe that wouldn't have been so easy.

Chickers & KiwiKat you're both mad! But very funny

Whenwill you make total sense. Thanks for the advice.

We haven't been a proper couple for 8 months. But I always said to him that if he slept with anyone else he had to leave. Then he got a text message in front of me and didn't read it which rang warning bells. I got up early on Wednesday and read his messages. he hadn't even the sense to password protect his phone - prick . There were quite a few hi sexy looking forward to seeing you messages, for times when he told me he was doing other things. I told him as calmly as i could that he shouldn't be there when i got home and he wasn't. My only regret is that i didn't keep hold of his phone to read everything as obviously the shock meant i didn't take everything in. I would have had her number at least and i might not feel so in the dark. on the other hand i probably would have lowered myself to their level by sending very nasty hateful messages.