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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Lost and scared

21 replies

Undone · 21/06/2009 06:24

My wife and I are distant. I have been married 10years and have done many things wrong. I have hurt her badly but it wasn't until a month ago that i finally understood. I do not want to lose her. She is a good person and wife. She is a good mother to my children. I want to go from here and learn from my mistakes, but i do not want to lose her. I love her so much it hurts. What do I do?
I know I have not focused and supported her as i should but I have seen the truth, I think we can do it. I ant us to try again. What will it take.

OP posts:

gingernutlover · 21/06/2009 07:18

it will take time and perseverence

you will have to prove to her that you are willing to change and to keep it up long term

you need to speak to her and convince her of this

from what you are saying I am guessing she needs to feel like you think she is special and worth makign the effort over, more than just a big bunch of flowers if you know what I mean

warthog · 21/06/2009 07:23

stop putting her down.

stop spending vast amounts of money and expecting her to fix it.

stop making her cry so you can comfort her.

stop playing the victim.

give her some space.

allow her to make her own decisions and back her up.

in short, treat her like a human being.

gingernutlover · 21/06/2009 07:34

ah warthog, you obviouslt know something I don't!

but yes advice to stop doing whatever you are doing that is hurting her is pretty obvious undone

Jumente · 21/06/2009 07:47

Eugh. This sounds a bit like my ex. Making someone cry so you can comfort them is nothing short of emotional abuse.

I'm not sure you can expect any kind of forgiveness.

Warthog, hope you are Ok x

Jumente · 21/06/2009 07:49

Plus you need to stop posting on here and sort it out IRL rather than trying to make her feel sorry for you strikes me as majorly manipulative behaviour - which obviously you'd be well advised to stop.

Original poster

Undone · 21/06/2009 07:54

Warthog
you are right in every instance. I am going to start getting debt counselling advice from next week.
I am now trying hard to focus on the good in everything. If anything is needing doing I am trying to do something about it without sitting there and expecting my wife to do things just because she is the one at home. I am coming home now after work and trying to help, trying to leave work at work. My priorities are now my wife first, kids, home environment and work someway down the list. I want my wife back. This has shaken me to the core. I wrote in my journal I started today that I feel like the blind man who had mud shoved in his eyes. He recovered his sight and was happy. I am now seeing things and am sad. I want to be a much better husband, a much better supporter, amuch better partner and friend. I want to be a better father. I want another to chance to show my wife that she is important to me. I f.....d up badly. I love her.

OP posts:

Jumente · 21/06/2009 07:57

And the world needs to know this because..?

Original poster

Undone · 21/06/2009 08:01

Jumente
you are right. I need to start focusing on my wides needs. I can assure you though that I am not trying to manipulate anyone. It is her decision always but I just want another chance. I am posting here because I too need support to go through whatever the future holds. I am not asking for sympathy or empathy. I don't deserve it. I just want my marriage back, I want my wife. I wish so many things were different but I can't change the past, just make the future better.

OP posts:

Jumente · 21/06/2009 08:03

But if this is her space that's not fair. Yes I understand you need support but you might want to find it somewhere of your own iygwim.

Sorry, I have little time for blokes who try and garner support from their wife's contacts in a manner that might force them to take sides.

Hope you don't find that offensive, it's not meant to be.

oopsagain · 21/06/2009 08:08

Not another one of these

I don't think it will work TBH.
If your wife is already here then this isn'tthe palce foryou, i'm afraid.

I think you should just sit her downa nd talk and find another place for support.
This is HER place, you need to find your own.

Never ends well when you both post here.....

ANd good luck... i hope it works out for you both.

Original poster

Undone · 21/06/2009 08:10

Jumente
surely one man who has seen his errors but wishes to never repeat them; who is repentant, and regardless of the outcome of this wants to try and sort his marriage out with the person he does love might be able to find help, advice and support somewhere? Why not here?

OP posts:

thesockmonsterofdoom · 21/06/2009 08:15

If your wife posts here then you are not asking for support, you are hoping she will see this, that is manipulative.

Original poster

Undone · 21/06/2009 08:17

Jumente, I do not want to ask people to take sides between us. But surely if there is even the slightest chance at reconciliation this might be the place for it. The only place I visit now on this irc is this thread. My wife does need space, I know that. I just want us to work at this but I need to find help in dealing with where I am at. No sides being taken.

OP posts:

MagNacarta · 21/06/2009 08:21

There are other forums, other people - sorry, but your post actually makes me cross. On behalf of your wife - go away. If this is her place then you posting here is nothing but manipulative and intrusive.

thesockmonsterofdoom · 21/06/2009 08:22

I dont think you realise how suffocating it can be having nowhere that ius your own, no mumsnet, no facebook, no where that your wife can talk about her true feelings in case you see it, that is very controlling behaviour, #I am sorry but you should leave here, and if your wife does see thgis she should make moves to make sure you cant identify her, she has the right to discuss her feelings about the things you have done to her without fear that you will see them, you are still being the person you say you dont want to be.

Original poster

Undone · 21/06/2009 08:22

Sockmonster, when you are in love you want to shout it from the roof tops.
When you are sorry you want your partner to know. Yes, part of me wants her to read it because I want her to know that I want to make it better and do whatever it takes. I am not on her thread anymore. If she reads this then maybe something good can come from it. I am not trying to manipulate. Please try and understand this.

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 21/06/2009 08:23

You need to talk to her because no matter what you say, she will see this as manipulation.

Actions - not empty words.

Original poster

Undone · 21/06/2009 08:24

Sock monster, I see your point about the suffocation bit. I do not know what else to do.

OP posts:

MagNacarta · 21/06/2009 08:31

There is no quick fix, it's not a case of do x,y &z and then all will be ok. If you've hurt her over a period of time, it will take just as long to repair. Now, please go away.

Jumente · 21/06/2009 09:02

Another forum, Undone. There are hundreds.

You could try Bounty or babycentre for starters seriously there are so many.

Now go and register somewhere and get some help for yourself in private.

Original poster

Undone · 21/06/2009 09:20

Jumente and others

I have spoken to my wife and I will be closing my mumsnet account. Iwill make every effort to be the husband I should have been. Thank you for supporting my wife. I am grateful.

OP posts:

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