he's gone

[topsy1]

after 5 years and 2 ds's i managed to finally ask a very verbally abusive h to move out - he went in april. have sorted out massive debts ('oooos) and become independent. at present he is seeign ds's at my home one day a week (boys young) as he has nowhere suitable round here and hasn't been known for looking after ds's on his own before.
in fact everything should feel so so much better - and it does during week, but i still feel really crap - not eating or sleeping. WHY??? it should all be so much better, why isn';t it???

First of all well done in changing your life for the better for you and your DSs.

I think you have been through a lot and are processing everything in your head. It has obviously been a time of great change and turmoil and you have probably been on edge a lot?
I am thinking that things will settle down for you as the months go on. Perhaps you need to talk it all out with someone to help you work through it all?

I split up with my ex p in january and only now am I starting to feel like I've been through a break up. Looking after the dc's takes up so much time I don't get to dwell on what's happened, which is a good and bad thing. I feel worse now its the summer as everyone else is out having fun, and I'm not!

You're tired and have a lot on your plate so its going to take a while before you feel great again. It's not like you can flop on the sofa and drink wine when you have dc's. Just be nice to yourself and you will come through it.

You have been very brave. Give it time, it will get better. Well done on what you have achieved so far.

Sorry, I don't have any great advice, but can I just say how courageous you've been? I know a very close personal example (not my own) where it took 16 years before shehad the courage to end it. It's just immense what you've done. I say that with conviction.

I guess it's going to take more than 3 months to get over 5 years of marriage and emotional abuse, but that's a platitude and you already know that.

Anyway, well done.

I agree that it takes time for things to settle and you do have to take small steps and one day at a time is a good start and weekends when your not rushing around you have more time to over think things and beat your self up oabout things. I hope that makes sense.

thank you every one - its so hard to admit that i'm feeling crap still - everyone who know asks me how i am, and i just reply 'so much better' as though admitting i'm not might imply that it was a mistake - which it wans't at all...i know i'm snappy and short with the ds's. ds2 is going through the terrible 2s - he has bad temper tantrums, and ds1 is very bright, but questions EVERY thing - which is tiring. i am just so short with them. ds1 said yesterday 'I love you even when you are cross' which broke my heart.

You're bound to be snappier than usual at the moment, but, again I say this with real conviction, you're doing the best thing for them long term. I'm sure you've done all of this as much for them as for you, and eventually they will realise this, too.

My ex left me for OW in January like Meg. He interfered with my moving on so I feel like I am making slow progress, but I have decided not to try and force things. He was abusive and that complicates things further as you have to deal with Traumatic Bonding.

Everyone thinks you're fine once you leave. You never are until you can get a sense of yourself back, then you can start to move on.

Be kind to yourself, get counselling with Womens Aid, and buy a dartboard to stick a pic of ex's face on!

It's only been 2 months and you're doing brilliantly. Don't expect to feel everything's OK so soon, even if you have done the right thing getting rid and know he wasn't good for you.

You need to mourn the fact that you're not a "family" anymore, even if it wasn't good before. And the fact you're on your own, whilst being a very positive thing, still means you're not part of a couple and that takes adjustment. It sounds as if you're basically strong and OK so you just need to go through a process of readjustment.

This can take months or years depending on the individual but you sound like someone who'll get through it relatively quickly. My ex-H left 2 and a half years ago, then a year later I met someone who I thought I was going to marry but we split about a month ago - he turned out to have mental health issues. So here I am again, alone but actually getting more and more content each day. I have a DD of 9, am financially independent (and well done for sorting that out already) and have some great female friends. So take it from me, you're allowed to feel like this so early on and even if some days you feel good and then the next you feel crap, that's totally normal and means you're on the road to recovery.