revelation, does DH have ADHD? does this explain his behaviour?

[linserella]

I don't post often on here but I've had a revelation and i'd really appreciated your thoughts. In a nutshell, my relationship with my boyfriend has been on the rocks for well over a year. We have a daughter together and she is the reason that I have tried to make it work (although I do know the longterm damage of this approach) but increasingly this approach isn't working anyway.

Our daughter is almost 3, has always been wilful and feisty but the tantrums have stepped up a notch the past few months which led me (along with other things) to read up on ADHD (I know, I know, she's a toddler!) but in reading up on the various tell tale signs I started to realise that it was describing my boyfriend. So i find out more about adult ADHD and I have a horrible sinking feeling that it is that condition which is making living with him impossible.

I will describe what he is like: short attention span, can only read magazines, not a reader at all, very into gaming - his way of relaxing, distracted, conversation is limited - finds it difficult to give 100% attention to me and even to our daughter (tv, internet, xbox in way), head in the clouds, vague, hyperactive - constantly on go, any excuse to go out any time of day - i.e to get one thing from the supermarket a drive away (on this same point, he admitted jokingly to going "out for a sandwich" in his last relationship and disappearing for a few days), multi-tasking, bad temper / anger management issues (has been on an a.m course - used to get into fights), agressive, really bad personal finances - massive debt and continued inability to prioritize, reckless, depressive, selfish (going out with friends the night before a planned trip away which I had paid for as a treat and returning at 5am completely smashed after ending up at the casino). I know a lot of these traits are just bad traits (!) and not attributable to ADHD but does anyone know if there is a pattern here?

Painting a great picture huh? He obviously has good points too but right now the above is obliterating them.

Am I onto something here? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to label him or lay the blame on a label but I need to try to understand and if this were the case then it would help me to.

Sorry this is over-long.

I don't know but google autism+quotient and take the test 'as him' if you can. I did that last night and it came out at 40. Anything above 30 is on the spectrum.

My x also developed a lot of terrible traits over the years and I don't think for a moment that thye go hand in hand with autism, but obviously my x was frustrated, feeling a step to the left of the rest of society and not knowing why... he wasn't clinically depressed, but he seemed to carry a weight on his shoulders.. he'd never had a diagnosis, never mind early intervention, learning support, nothing!

SO, he's always been 'on the wrong planet' but he's becoming quite angry and disconnected from the rest of his family and the few friends he had. I tried to 'get through' to him and make him treat me properly and it did not work. I see now it was never going to.

He was so selfish and inconsiderate, and so totally inable to see things from my perspective, it was so hurtful. My deepest distress annoyed him.

Now, years later, understanding that he couldn't see things from my pov, and that he was a frustrated with me as I was with him has helped a bit.

He'll never be a guy you can 'reason with' though, because he just can't see things from any perspective other than his own.

My son is on the spectrum too, but I don't worry about him turning into his Dad. He's getting ABA, and an extra year of a specialised pre-school, I'll be helping him all the way... He'll live with autism without letting it make him angry or disconnected I hope.

My x's mother would be very angry, as would he, if I dared to suggest that he was on the spectrum.

Do the test! let me know.

Wow yes, 40 is high. I just did the test as him (found some of the questions tricky to answer tbh) the score was 20 which is average though how accurate my answers are i'm not sure. One less thing to worry about... Spent a bit of time earlier reading up on adult ADD/ADHD and i have no doubt now, he's like a classic case;

Carelessness and lack of attention to detail , Poor organisational skills, Inability to focus or prioritize, Continually losing or misplacing things, Forgetfulness, Restlessness and Edginess, Mood swings, Irritability and a quick temper, Inability to deal with stress, Extreme impatience, Taking risks etc etc, Yes, yes, and yes... 90% of it rang true.

Really interesting Maggie to hear your experience and how it touches on mine. Both make for extreme challenges for living together. Sounds like you suffered a lot, I'm glad that you can reflect now with more perspective and understand that you never would relate. You are giving your son the best start in life too, recognition, help and understanding goes a long way in helping to cope as well as love of course. I'm glad you're away from it now.

I suppose that the hyperactivity aspect is different from 'pure' autism iyswim, so that test not really looking for ADHD.

My x was neat, frugal, and more than capable of sitting on the sofa and relaxing for long periods of time....

He was VERY hard to live with though. He did have a quick temper and an inability to deal with stress (his way of dealing with stress was to abuse me...) Yes, very impatient too...

I hope that you can make your DH acknowledge how hard things are for you to be his partner.. If he can seethings from your POV then there's hope I think. My x had Asperger's syndrome and seeing things from another point of view was basically out of his sphere...

yes, RIMOD coined the excellent "self employed fuckwit" phrase. Still getting a larf out of that 2 wks later.

TSlight tangent here sorry LInsella, but I'm sparing a brief thought for my x today. Father's day and he's 40 in a few wks. No doubt he's feeling incredibly sorry for himself today.

I wonder again in vain if he ever ever thinks to himself, hmm if I'd treated Maggie with kindness, and like an equal, and not like a tinker's dog,where woud I be today?!?!

The only thing that cheers him a little his knowing that he's not giving me a penny of his money.

Thanks Maggie, realising ADHD is helping me to see the whole picture now and will give me a kind of crow bar on making him understand things from my POV though TBH I'm beyond making it work.

True, RIMOD a label could be an excuse for further fuckwittery!! The only reason I've put up with this for so long is because he's effectively away for 6 months of the year (every 3 weeks for 3 weeks). So I get my breathing space which i NEED but it also means that the shit of the previous weeks fades a bit and the momentum to act is lost, then 3 weeks later back to the shit but I only have 3 weeks to attempt to resolve it / end it, so I've just been going round in circles. The ADHD really does explain it all and i'm getting more revelations linked to this... plus yeah RIMOD and he's v prob largely a fuckwit too.

Father's day yeah, can imagine your ex feeling sorry for himself, the day is loaded with connotations. Glad you wonder in vain - I'm getting to that point. Good for you too in being totally self sufficient. I prob could be too.