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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it possible

14 replies

noddyholder · 18/06/2009 14:47

to completely change your 'place' within your family?What I mean is I am like the glue of my family.Everyone comes to me in good times but mostly bad!Always asking favours etc Staying over I have done Xmas every year since ds was born He is 15!!Any disasters ring noddy.Noddy won't mind.My brother comes twice a year from Ireland.Always stays with me.The list is endless.After a long talk with dp we have decided enough is enough and we just don't want it any more.This has been hastened by my younger brother coming to stay with us and really taking the piss(see other thread)So do you think we all have set roles or can they change?The strange thing is I know they will all freak when I say no!Eg my mum is moving and wanted my dp plus my 2 brothers to help.My brother would come from Ireland and stay where?And then I told her we were on holiday that week and she said IS IT BOOKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am at the end of my tether

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RumourOfAHurricane · 18/06/2009 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lilyloo · 18/06/2009 14:58

Noddy i can completely empathise.
Since my mum died it has been me everyone comes to. I had enough and basically had it out with my dad and told him how i felt i was always supporting everyone else without anything back.
Things didn't really change but i decided to take a step back. I don't see much at all of my family now but i needed to say my piece and realise that i had also took on that role iyswim without meaning to. I always worry too much about hurting others feelings etc like you say but sometimes you have to put your feelings first.
Sounds like your dp understands so with his support you just need to put yourself and your needs first.
Easier said than done though when you are used to being the 'problem solver'.

Original poster

noddyholder · 18/06/2009 15:03

Thanks.I have majorhealth problems and it is stressing me out.I think I took the role on to give ds a sense of extended family as he is an only but tbh we don't really need them We have a great life and lots of friends and families with kids and I just want to enjoy what we have and tell them all to go to hell

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Lilyloo · 18/06/2009 15:14

You will likely find that they don't worry as much about how you are coping as you do about them. They will just presume you can cope , because you do.
I did feel better after saying how i felt and tbh got my answer from the lack of action by any of them after...

Your ds would prefer you to be happy i am sure.
Maybe tell your mum how your feeling and take it from there.

Original poster

noddyholder · 18/06/2009 15:22

I have told her and she looked baffled.I don't mind if I see less of them They don't seem to add much only take!

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warthog · 18/06/2009 15:36

absolutely - i think you can redefine your role. you'd be surprised at how quickly it'll all happen. they might not view you as warmly, but as you say, they don't seem to add much now so it doesn't matter!

Original poster

noddyholder · 18/06/2009 15:43

I am going to start straight away!My mum is coming down tomorrow and I am going to be totally honest with her.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2009 16:29

Doubt very much that your Mother will listen to this message or indeed like it very much.

You've all acted out and continue to act out set roles.

You have to be tough and start saying "no" more often. They of course won't like this but for your own sanity you must become more assertive towards them. You cannot change how these people behave but you can change how you react towards them. Going on an assertiveness course won't do you any harm either.

Do not know background re younger brother's staying with you (but would have to ask why you both allowed him to stay with you in the first place having seen at first hand how badly this whole boomerang kid scenario can turn out. The Japanese call such people parasitic singles; a wholly appropriate name actually for my BIL). Have you asked him to move out, does he have a job, does he pay you any rent?.

Original poster

noddyholder · 18/06/2009 16:36

Attila believe it or not I am fairly assertive and have no probs saying no!It is just that we have always been a bit of an open house with friends and my family think they can just do the same.My brother was planning to move to where I live and needed somewhere to stay.It was always a temp thing but once he was settled he took it for granted and when I reminded him of the sept deadline he threw a fit!(spoiled)I just told him thats it and he knows he has to go.But tbh I need to just step back a bit and let them do their own thing.When I look at them individually they seem to have not much in the way of a life and seem to want to hijack ours.I am seeing my mum tomorrow and am going to tell her enoughs enough.The last straw was her asking my brother to come over to help her move but assuming i would put him up!Parasitic singles My dp is going to love that

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Original poster

noddyholder · 18/06/2009 16:39

He has a job but was planning to look for one locally but hasn't bothered and so either turns down work or commutes.He pays bills as we decided that was ok as he needed to save a deposit and we were happy to help but now see he isn't saving so will ask for rent too.I told him 6 months and he threw his arms in teh air and said I'd ruined his plans He is 30

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2009 18:07

Hi noddyholder,

He has to pay you rent particularly if he is working. Do not help him financially - he should be paying rent. Do not make it cushy for him in your house; no doing his washing and no cooking for him either. You have to draw up clear boundaries and rules regarding behaviour. Infantalising these people does them no favours at all (not suggesting at all you've done this re him but it can too easily occur). I actually feel quite strongly about this as I have seen how badly the parasitic single situation can get when (for example) the kidult returns home to live with parents. The particular example I refer to is now 46 and shows no intention/signs of leaving home!.

I would certainly stick to your September deadline; he has to be gone by them. Yes he is 30, don't let him still be there at 31!.

Him throwing his arms up makes him sound both petulent and stuck emotionally at 12.

Original poster

noddyholder · 18/06/2009 19:13

You are so right!He is aready saying that my giving him a deadline is forcing him back to my parents??????I just don't get it He wanted to live here and we said stay with us check out areas etc then go.Quite simple but now he says his lifestyle will be compromised unless he lives with is

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Original poster

noddyholder · 18/06/2009 19:13

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Lilyloo · 18/06/2009 19:46

Noddy good luck for tommorrow.
As for your brother agree with Attila bit tough it compromises his way of life

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