Why don't more of us women 'demand' marriage from our 'man'?

[faraday]

Should I say Flame Alert! Stand well Clear! Touch Paper Lit!

But seriously, as an older person (46!!) it still- well, surprises me how many of us perhaps talk ourselves around in knots into believing the actual commitment of marriage isn't for us but it's actually a smoke screen for fear that if we DEMAND our 'DP' marries us he may run away?

What do we think?

I'm amazed at the number of you who assume that if you split your partners would happily support the children- the CSA is a complete mess and I know many women who are in penury because their errant ex's won't pay up! By the time they get any money the DCs have grow n up and left home!

See, I told you some know all would come along...

His pension (he's self employed not employed) is worth about £2,000 at the last count, so I reckon I can live without that.

Our life insurance is all sorted out to our own satisfaction thanks.

Just because you're not interested in marriage, it doesn't automatically follow that your partner is an arsehole who wouldn't support his children.

Getting cross with this thread now, so gonna hide it!

"I'm amazed at the number of you who assume that if you split your partners would happily support the children- the CSA is a complete mess and I know many women who are in penury because their errant ex's won't pay up! By the time they get any money the DCs have grow n up and left home!"

And being married will change this exactly how?

I don't think that demanding marriage is the way to go. By the time marriage is even on the cards, both parties should know the answer they'll get if they do 'pop the question'.

You are very disillusioned, dittany. There are many women who disagree with you. I'm not saying that it didn't happen the way you describe, but very few marriages are/were like that. And the reasons for getting married aren't limited to wearing a big white dress and getting presents.

When I marry, which I'd like to do, it will be to commit to the person I love. I don't want to make a big fuss and spend thousands on flowers and cake for people I haven't seen since I was ten years old. I would happily elope.

The only other reasons for me to marry would be to protect my future children if things turned sour, or perhaps to make it easier to adopt.

Seeker is right about the maintaining children point - marriage makes no difference, none at all. A man has a legal duty to maintain his children, regardless of marriage but it's not unusual for married and unmarried men to NOT maintain their children.

seeker- it doesn't- but if you are married you are entitled to a share of what you had- which is something, with or without child maintenance.

Actually the ONLY reason I can think of for getting married is the big dress and the presents. I would love a gigantic matching dinner service. Oh, and some crystal glasses.........

pupyThere are pensions and pensions-my DHs pension , when it comes, will put him way over the higher rate of income tax.

"seeker- it doesn't- but if you are married you are entitled to a share of what you had- which is something, with or without child maintenance."

You are if you're not married too!

dittany- just to agree withClwc- bringing marriage down to a level of a white dress and flowers and presents is not crediting us with any intelligence and is patronising, to say the least.
It's a public statement of your commitment to each other. some people want this, others don't.

In the caseof children, fewer married couples split up than couples who aren't married. (fact, not emotive comment.)

To bang on about women being men's property and rape etc. is crazy- we are now in 2009, not 1909.

howtotellmum - You should read a few of the relationship threads, really.

What a load of nonsense.I am 44 not married been with my partner 18 yrs and most of our married friends are now divorcing!!!You can sort the legals easy enough with solicitors via wills etc and as for demanding!How undignified.Commitment and love are not issues you can force.They are natural and voluntary.the very idea of demanding someone marry you is so backward thinking.I too feel no need to be married dp asked twice then gave up and now thinks like me.W estay together because we want to and if we split I hope we would do the dignified thing and remember who we were before we met and respect that.

some people do not want to marry.

now i'd never ask a man to marry me, but when i was dating i did make it clear that i wanted to be married to my partner and that i'd not have kids with someone i wasn't married to.

just not my thing.

Well, I am married and I can say I have never been raped.

Dittany, that was a spectacularly over-egged point you made there.

Eh? My husband's never raped me. I was once date raped as a teenager, however, but someone I wasn't married to.

Expat, AnyF was referring to Dittany's post on the previous page. It was only posted 10 seconds after yours.

I wanted to have a ring before I lived with anyone again, but I've been living with my DP for almost a year now without any suggestion of marriage. All of his mates do the hinting for me, but perhaps it will become less of an issue to me as time goes by. Who knows? I just know right now that I would marry him this weekend if he asked me to.

Oh, I love this thread, full of like-minds re not "getting" marriage.

Re Catz's post: "I know that is not a romantic view and it is not WHY I married" I'd say the unromantic view was the reason to get married.

I earn similar to partner, have a pension, put the equity into this house, have wills drawn up - can't see any reason to marry.

Zorayda's post about mysterious phone calls leading to a hotel for The Proposla is just f*ing creepy. As are any Proposals on tv. In fact any one referring to a "Proposal", "He's asked me to marry him" etc eurgh shudder

The link between getting married and actually staying together isn't directly causative though, is it?

I mean, married couples are a self-selecting group who have demonstrated their commitment publically. The actual marriage isn't what keeps them together. They'd be the same couples who stayed together whether married or not IMO.

DP's mum married her partner of 15 years - in a hospice, 10 days before she died of cancer. She wanted to be certain he would be able to stay in the home (council property)they had shared.

Now that is a reason to marry that I can understand.

swedes- Your point being? I do, please don't patronise me.

Clwc - "When I marry, which I'd like to do, it will be to commit to the person I love."

That's what it meant/means to me too. Perhaps DW was a bit more 'white dress and presents' about it but the Church of England marriage vows are pretty powerful words. I stood shaking like a leaf in front of the alter when I said them because I felt I was making an utterly irrevocable commitment. I have never felt like that before and only since when DSs were born.

Dittany - agree with others on your comment. I know from reading many of your posts the issue of rape is something you feel very very strongly about (not arguing with you it never/doesn't happen in marriage) but I just feel to put it in the strong terms you did unecessarily debases the institution of marriage.

I think it is in everyones benefit legally to be married

remember Yorkiegirl when her h died? That was the one thing she impressedupon alll of us

I DONT GET how peopel have two kids and dont get" around to it"
mate he aint marrying you..

AND they give the kids the fuckign MANS name?

wtf is that about?
he gets all the perks and gives up no freedome

I didn't give the name and I could get round to it but don't WANT to!Why do people not get that?If you have all the legal stuff in place its fine.