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Original poster

Why don't more of us women 'demand' marriage from our 'man'?

166 replies

faraday · 16/06/2009 21:12

Should I say Flame Alert! Stand well Clear! Touch Paper Lit!

But seriously, as an older person (46!!) it still- well, surprises me how many of us perhaps talk ourselves around in knots into believing the actual commitment of marriage isn't for us but it's actually a smoke screen for fear that if we DEMAND our 'DP' marries us he may run away?

What do we think?

OP posts:
beanieb · 16/06/2009 23:24

I actually have no desire to be married but I am getting married in July. I can take it or leave it. My OH wants to so I am.

mrsboogie · 16/06/2009 23:28

I'd LOVE the dress but the thought of the rest of it makes me cringe.

2rebecca · 16/06/2009 23:43

I wouldn't have children with a man without the legal protection and stability of marriage. If he's not committed enough to marry me then I don't want him as father of my kids.
I'm now divorced from the father of my kids and am not a "for better or worse" believer (had nontraditional vows) thinking that if you both become miserable you're better splitting up and quality is more important than quantity or duration in a marriage. Even so we were committed to each other at the beginning and remain so to our kids.
I think the hype and expense of big magazine weddings puts alot of folk off, plus people moaning if they/ their kids aren't invited.Small weddings and eloping have much to commend them.

bigted · 17/06/2009 00:52

I earn much more than dp.He is hopeless with money.

I owned my house before we met. He had debts which I paid off.

We now have kids together.

Someone tell me why I should marry ?

AnyFucker · 17/06/2009 07:10

mrsb, having joint names on stuff like mortgage and stuff is fine

but if something happened to either of you, and there is no will, sorting out financial affairs would be much more complicated/drawn out, honestly (speaking from experience here)

get married or get a will, I say

Blackduck · 17/06/2009 07:36

Not married, never wanted to get married, still don't want to get married, certainly won't be demanding it of dp... nearest to a proposal I have got from dp is 'if you want to, we will' (hardly romantic - but then he knows me!). I have toyed with the idea since ds, but somehow I just can't do it. I hear all the logical arguments and understand them, and KNOW I am not a common law wife, or indeed that no such thing exists, BUT I just can't do it....

MI - at sharp stick.....haven't seen you around for a while

bigted · 17/06/2009 12:00

blackduck are you my twin?

howtotellmum · 17/06/2009 12:03

OP- maybe you ned to address this issue with your partner?

It does sound as if you feel insecure, but unless you are prepared to give some kind of ultiamtum, I don't see how he has ny incentive to change things.

Leaving aside the emtotions, - marriage is really there to give protection to women. Things are changing, but statistically, men earn more than women overall. If you are married you will come out of any break up far better than if you aren't- in fact the tables are turning as many men won't marry because they know that financially they would suffer perhaps to an unfair degree.

If you are not married but have joint fiances you MUST have a will, otherwise the remaining partner could be left with nothing, as it would go to your next of kin- your children.

MorrisZapp · 17/06/2009 12:05

Love this thread. My best mate is a marriage obsessive - convinced that her whole world will be filled with wonder when she can call herself 'Mrs Hisname' and wave her big fat married finger in people's faces. She's getting married this summer and in a way I'm looking forward to it all being over and reality resuming! Then in due course she'll be forced to admit that in fact being married isn't a fairy tale joy-filled new world of love. For long. And yes, I am a bitch for not feeling as she does!

I'm marriage blind - I just don't get it. I don't notice rings on fingers and I certainly don't get why intelligent women think that it's normal to hassle a guy to 'propose' then expect you to whoop down the phone when he complies with the demand.

motherinferior · 17/06/2009 12:08

Also I cannot face getting married because I am horribly suspicious that DP will refer to me as his 'wife'. I honestly cannot contemplate being someone's 'wife'. The very word makes me feel as if someone were running fingernails down the blackboard of my mind. [shudder] [retch]

howtotellmum · 17/06/2009 12:18

MZ- you obviously just don't have a romantic gene in your body .

Blackduck · 17/06/2009 12:40

I sometimes feel sorry for dp as I am pretty sure that his family think the reason we are not married is because HE hasn't asked me (mine know I am a complete harridan so know its me and not him )
Oh god yes Mi, being called wife or even worse wifey (Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!)
MZ - I am with you - I just don't get it.... (mislaid that marriage gene somewhere) When bil got married (dp's younger brother) her mother hugged me and said 'never mind may be it will be your turn next'

seeker · 17/06/2009 12:46

Mother inferior, blackduck and seeker - triplets separated at birth!

atht eh suggestion someone made that not wanting to be married makes you unromantic! I have been with my dp for longer than most mumsnetters have been alive and we are very romantic!

howtotellmum · 17/06/2009 12:53

Do those of you are are in long term relationships, not want to simplify the legal and financial side of your relationships by getting married?

Do you not fear what could happen if you split up- or are you all able to support yourselves independently without a partner?

serajen · 17/06/2009 13:35

Mother inferior, blackduck, seeker and serajen - quadruplets! Is that the word? Can't bear anything to do with marriage, I'm afraid and the worst part of all "man and wife", so the man's a man still but the woman's now become a wife not a woman? Grrrrrrrr

YanknCock · 17/06/2009 13:35

'Oh god yes Mi, being called wife or even worse wifey'

And if you marry a cockney, you get called 'trouble' all the time....I can live with that.

PuppyMonkey · 17/06/2009 13:42

The worst part about this thread is that the OP is only four years older than me and she calls herself old.

Me and DP have been together 15 years and aren't planning on getting married soon. You can cover all the legal worries quite happily without having to get married.

motherinferior · 17/06/2009 14:07

DP occasionally gets asked to 'pass that to your wife'. I look at the speaker and point out really quite politely that he doesn't have a wife.

motherinferior · 17/06/2009 14:09

Well, if we split up DP would presumably still be supporting his children, wouldn't he? I genuinely think he wouldn't simply abandon them, financially.

sarah293 · 17/06/2009 14:12

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Message withdrawn

Flibbertyjibbet · 17/06/2009 14:17

I am 46 and have never ever ever referred to myself as OLD. I am quite offended.

But, before i flounce off all offended,

"Marriage offers the best protection to women in the event of a break up."

Where is xenia when you need her?

We are not married ,but being 46 with 2 small children and unmarried to their father, I had a house years before I met him which is in my name and paid off. I was secure enough in my line of work when the dcs came along to go back self employed part time and make more money than he does (not megabucks, just more than him).

He on the other hand also had a house, which we live in now and rent mine out. So if we split I get to keep my larger earnings, go back to my own house in own name, and get child maintenance from him. So much better off than half the equity and a share of someones pension imo.

You are only worse off if not married if you let yourself be. Don't live in a house thats in his name, buy a house together then you'll still have half the equity if you split. Don't be dependant on a man whether you are married or not and then you won't suffer financially if something happens.

dittany · 17/06/2009 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swedes · 17/06/2009 14:42

Dittany - But now it is a big white dress and a few presents in return for a pension sharing order and a 50% claim on all assets.

howtotellmum · 17/06/2009 14:44

Me and DP have been together 15 years and aren't planning on getting married soon. You can cover all the legal worries quite happily without having to get married.

No- you can't- you would not for example be able to claim half his pension or him half of yours, or access that pension as a widow, or receive a payout from life assurance.
That might seem irrelevant now, but it's not when the time comes- if it were too.

In my case- and many other women's, I gave up my place on the career ladder when DCs came along and although I do work now and still have my own pension, it is a fraction of my DH's.

Legally, i would be entitled to half of everything or more, as I have supported him and his career for 25 years, as well as bringing up the Dcs when he was travelling overseas a lot.

If we were not married,and either split up, or I was left on my own if he died first, I'd not get a bean.

dittany · 17/06/2009 14:45

This reply has been deleted

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