DH just not interested in being a family

[turtle23]

I am very sad. DH and I tried for ages to have DS (now 14 months) and DH was very keen on becoming a parent. He would go on and on about how he came from a big family and children were so important...blahblahblah. He has shown so little interest in DS it is sad.
We have just been on our first holiday as a family and he spent the entire week shouting that he wasn't getting enough sleep, that it was boring playing with DS, what was he meant to do all day as there was just lovely beach and pool etc and not much else. He refused to help when DS was tiny and I was on the verge of PND from lack of sleep. He will not feed him. He will not change him. He goes out alll the time to AVOID playing families. I feel as though I am living with all the shitty bits of single parenting and the shitty bits of marriage and none of the benefits. Like an idiot, I am now 17 weeks pregnant with number two and it has got me thinking whether my kids and I would be better off without him. Sadly, my major concern would be that he would farm the kids out if faced with weekend visits. Anybody feel like chewing this over with me?

My DS's dad was like this and I just couldn't bear the thought of my DS having the spirit knocked out of him by his Dad. His Dad used to live the single life while I worked full-time and used to spend most evenings alone with DS and then studying after he went to sleep. DH would then come home really late from work and then drinking after work and expect his dinner....

Apart from the effect it was having on DS, I just couldn't put up with the lack of respect, the money being pissed up the wall (ie. no money in the house for food etc.)

So I upped and left with DS. DS and I were on our own for a good few years and he's a bright, funny, caring (hormonal!) 12 year old, who dotes on his 18 month old sister.

He's acting as if he has a choice whether or not to raise his own child.

But what's really coming through from your posts is his complete lack of care for you. Many men have a difficult time engaging with babies, but they pitch in and do their share because it's the right thing to do. Who wants to be married to a worn-out husk of a person?

Oh turtle, I'm so very sad for you and angry at your DH. Alongside all the normal stresses and strains of becoming a mum, which can bring anyone down, you have had to put up with a DH who goes off on holiday on his own (missing your scan!) but doesn't let you even have one evening off, who expects you to do all the housework and all the childcare despite him only working the hours of about half a working week himself, and who has never, even just once, been thoughtful enough to do anything for you without you asking - he only ever seems to do things for you and P if you beg. And remember, this is not just some random person who couldn't give a monkeys about you, this is a man who is supposed to love you more than anyone else in the world and made a promise in front of your friends and family to be there for you, for better or worse .

Some men can be a bit crap around babies, but this is way more than being crap: his behaviour is heartless and selfish and cruel.

Does he realise what a terrible example he is setting to P, treating his wife/P's mum so badly? If things don't change, you run the risk of P growing up thinking it is acceptable to treat you (and potentially his wife if/when he marries) like that

I agree with others - if you think there is any chance of things getting better, and if you want them to, then counselling is probably necessary - you have tried so hard, but he doesn't seem to be capable of listening to you on your own, so I think you need some outside, neutral help.

Take care, keep smiling, keep giving your lovely boy big hugs

He is leaving to spend a few days at his parents' house to give me some space. I find that hilarious. Space is the one fucking thing I have. I am getting legal advice and making sure I have access to bank accounts, etc at the moment. Will check in here a bit.

Oh, Turtle, I am very sorry.

I don't know where you are, but if there is anything - practical or otherwise - I can do, feel free to shout. Do get the basics sorted - bank accounts etc.,

I'm in West Herts.

So sorry, but do go ahead with the legal advice. He seems pretty clueless on relationships-I would say he needs counselling. Are his parents likely to tell him to grow up-or is he spoilt?

Turtle, so sorry to hear what you are going through. I read the thread and then realised I recognised your name from our antenatal thread. I think it's a really good idea to look into the legal side of things, just in case, but really hope things work out for you. Have you mentioned counselling to him?

It seems like the only thinkg this man is providing for you (apart from the initial sperm donation) is money, and you are legally entitled to that without having to have him in the same house, service him domestically and sexually and placate him all the time.
Let him go. You will be considerably better off without him.

Turtle. Was lurking but wanted to lend my support.

I agree with what Tryharder says. I used to find being with a toddler difficult and boring at times, but then I was with my DSs most of the time. It is not right for your DH to be like this with your DS, or you. The more he engages with your DCs, the more he will get out of it.

When DC2 comes along. it is "all hands on deck" - what will DH do then?.

His attitude is indeed one that might not have raised eyebrows in our parents generation or further back, but then how many deeply unhappy mums were there then, whacked out on tranquilizers?

turtle i'm so sorry for your turmoil.

but i've just put my elbow out going 'yeah!' at the fact you've got some time free to think.

sgb has the nail on head for me. i've always thought that tbh. just never as succinctly.

Oh turtle, whilst it is probably the right thing to happen but you must be devastated.

T and I aren't doing anything on Wednesday if you wanted to do something in the afternoon, I can always meet you in your neck of the woods for cake and coffee. Or let P and T run riot whilst you have a nap!!

Well I was about to get all sanctimonious at his behaviour, but see it's sort of come to a head anyway . So sorry you're going through all this, but it sounds to me that you're doing the right things.

Turtle, are you taking the big step then? I do hope the solicitor is good and you manage to do whatever else is necessary for your health and happiness. I'm so sorry things are so bad.

How's it going turtle?

Am not jumping into divorce...just seeking advice as DH's brother is a barrister who deals in family feuds. Not that I think DH would fight to the death for his kids (snort) but his family might kick up a stink on his behalf.
At this point I am trying to a)sleep b)cuddle my son c)watch CSI if I want to and then think about all the other crap and possible outcomes. Have woken up this morning with two great big cold sores and excema. Fab.
Thank you all for your support. The thing is I do still love him deep down. I just don't like him much at the moment.
Sigh.

ok this might sound a little off but I don't think the question is do you love him but does he love you. Nothing you have described makes me think that this man cares for you nevermind your DC.

Turtle, I read this thread yesterday and have been thinking about it since. The key thing is that you do still love him and that means that it probably is worth hanging on, because it is not at all unusual for men to behave like this when they become fathers. It may be to do with his own family background. My own situation was very similar to yours - in fact I could have writen your post a few years ago even down to the disastrous family holiday and his need for sleep (hollow laugh). My dh was badly depressed, but it wasn't until I went to relationship counselling on my own that I realised this. Things came to a head when I left for one night and he realised what he stood to lose. He then agreed to go to counselling (for depression). After that things improved enormously between us, and as our daughter got older his relationship with her got much better too. He started to find her fun and does his own thing with her: gardening, cooking, playing Wii - things that he actually enjoys doing with her, which may not the things that I would like to be doing together as a family, but at least he is spending time with her. He will still not do the 'happy families' thing, so we rarely do anything as a family, which I still find sad, but have accepted. There is no point in forcing people to do things they don't want to do. When we go on holiday, we tend to go to places where there is lots to do and he can indulge his hobbies (yes, the inevitable photography...) It may seem to others that I have pandered to him but in fact he is very good in other ways e.g. has helped me start my own business, is good financially, cooks (sometimes) etc. I'm sure your dh has good points too - you have lost sight of them at the moment because you are so disappointed at the way your family life has turned out and I completely understand that, but you may need to adjust your expectations. Not that you should be left to do everything, but that the way he contributes to family life may be different to what you expected. There is no point in people telling you to leave him and calling him names. The fact is that you have a child with him so are tied to him forever, so if you still feel that you can repair your marriage it is worth giving it a try. I think as a first step it might be worth you going to relationship counselling on your own - maybe try your local Relate. Good luck

But there are good parts (gardening, cooking, playing Wii) and bad parts (nappy changing, teething, getting up in the middle of the night, discipline) of being a parent why should one parent JUST get the good parts, in fact I dont think you can call someone a parent if ALL they do is the good parts.

There is more to a relationship than being good financially and cooking. If you don't enjoy spending time with that person OR they don't enjoy spending time with you why on earth be with them?

To be honest I don't want to get into a debate about my relationship, because that isn't what the thread is about.

No but you used your relationship as an example of what can happen and I was just pointing out to the OP it doesn't have to be that way.

LadyP-thank you for sharing your story.
I am hoping that we will have a more productive chat this evening. He is coming round to chat and then back to his parents' til the weekend.

Hi Turtle - hope it goes well tonight. Hope you can be honest with each other, and that you both have the chance to talk properly about your feelings. Let us know where you get to. Take care xx

Turtle, you're welcome. I hope it works out for you.

{{{Turtle}}}, you are lumbered with a bastard at the moment, but as you say, you love him and can't do much about that either. I think the main consideration should be the impact on P and DC2-be...can you put up with DH's behaviour towards his kids without appearing bitter in front of them, or would they be better off with just you there loving them to bits, while they see dad occasionally as it suits him (much as it is at the moment) but without the bad atmosphere around the house?

Flights to your parents are out at the mo, but could they come visit you? Or would that add to the stress (mine would drive me round the bend!).

You have put up with too much for the sake of keeping the peace, but it'll kill any confidence you have left if you let him treat you like this any longer...you deserve much better. Also can't be having a great effect on your pregnancy.
You need to put yourself much higher up the priority list.

Will Fb you a couple of suggestions x

DP- Many thanks for the kind offer on FB.
Dear God, having my parents here would just be the icing on the cake! We live in a 2 bedroom flat and it would just be nuts.
Am considering asking a friend who has a house in Yorkshire if I can escape there a bit.
Off to chat.