Emotional Affair - help me get over it.

[UpsandDowns]

Hi, I'm a namechanging Dad. Used to be a regular but not so much lately.

Last week I discovered my DW (been together 15 years) has been secretly seeing and emailing an old flame. He got in touch with her, they met up 'innocently' but secretly and have now seen each other about 10 times and exchanged around 1500 emails over 3 months. The emails have been getting progressively filthier (I've read them all) and my DW was leading the chat. They met up 3 times in the 2 days before they were found out. They claim not to have had a physical relationship, and I believe them but it would definitely have led there (she denies this, but I think she's kidding herself) if his wife hadn't caught him out.

Our sex life has been pretty abject for the last 10 years, and worse since we had our baby, who's 3. Maybe twice a year if we're lucky. She's always had a low libido and I suppose I've just got so used to rejection that I'd given up, although I have wanted her so badly. There doesn't seem to have been a 'route' to it anymore. She's a very closed off person emotionally; we're like a gender stereotype reversal - maybe that's been part of the problem.

I still love her and want her, but I know she wanted this 'affair' to carry on and she's nowhere near over it. I'm torn apart between jealous rages, panic attacks, and needing her love so badly. So I'm at turns trying to be 'hard' (which doesn't come naturally to me) and positive which makes me feel like a pushover. I love her and love my boy and just want us to be happy, and I want the fireworks too. I want what he's had.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and managed to move on successfully? And any thoughts on this coming from the male point of view?

Unless you can afford another home for her to rent or buy, "kicking her out" is not an option.

It amazes me how often this is suggested with no real thought about the practicalities.

Where I live, rent is a minimum of £600 a month for anything- a 1 bedroom flat. Then there are bills etc etc. For most couples who have a mortgage this option is NOT an option!

It is also not legally or physically possible to "kick out" another partner if you jointly own a house.

I think OP that you have to make it very clear that indulging her grief in front of you is not the way to save your relationship- if that is what she wants to do
Have you sat down and discussed where you go from here?

Does she want to make your marriage work? If so, then she has to address what she was getting from the OM that she isn't getting from you- and you have to take all of that on board too. I am not saying you were to blame, but ime a partner seeks another person when they aren't having their physical or emotional needs met within the relationship.

Forget the rights and wrongs of an EA- it's what happens next that matters.

Feel very sorry for the OP, but agree with MrsEA's sensible and rational post.

I'm sure that affairs (emotional or otehrwise) do happen (sometimes) as a result of needs not being met in a marriage. But sometimes people have impossible to meet needs.

For example, some men are so self-centred tehy can't cope with the being pushed out of centre stage taht happens after children. Just lsiten to alol those affairs taht seem to start when the women is busy nursing an elderly relative.

Some people do neglect their marriage but some people don't deal maturely with change and growing up. This sounds like that. There is something so nostalgic and immature about becoming emotionally involved with a past lover.

Dior, just wanted to point out that I didn't have a clue this was going on. First I heard of it was from his wife. I just thought she was working too hard (hollow laugh).

Things are still all over the place. Good one day, dreadful the next.

nkf, she does acknowledge that she's been self centred and immature; but I don't know if she genuinely feels any sense of guilt at all. It was just 'too much fun'. Her difficult relationship with DS and becoming a family has been a major part of it; she feels trapped and that she's lost herself since becoming a Mum. Although she is actually a great Mum. But as others have said, perhaps she just doesn't love me enough anymore.

My paranoia is starting to wreck things further. I think she thinks I should just get over it now, let things get back to 'normal'. Wasn't that what caused the problems in the first place?

She has read this thread [waves two middle fingers at DW ] The occasional laughs and love and desire actually make it more painful. I just don't have a clue where her head is at. No change there...

UandDs- I am sorry your wife is still not giving you the behaviour you want.
I am going to suggest the "unsuggestable"- that you do "get over it- like she wants.

Could you do that? You do have a choice as to how you behave.

What is it that you want her to do? Stop grieving in front of you- yes, as a minimum. Then what?

I can empathise with her- adjusting to motherhood can be hard and if the spark has gone out of your marriage and she feels a loss of identity is is very easy to get absorbed in a fantasy affair with an ex. She is probably not grieving for just him, but also for the chance of what she thought would be an escape route- and another more exciting life.

She may still really love you- this may not be about you at all- it may be about her and her loss of identity nd how an ex gave her that back.

She would probably be helped by counselling. She needs to talk about what brought her to the brink of an affair.

If youcould be her rock and offer her your support- and not criticism- it might be what she needs. I am not suggesting you act like a wimp, but perhaps if you say that you will give her your love and support on the basis that she gets professisonal help(counselling) it would be a start. At the moment you are both locked in stalemate.

Big question is, how willing is she to save your marriage, and if she doesn't know, how will she find out? And how long are you prepared to wait while she does?

Thanks MrsEA. I agree with every word of that. On the good days that's where we are; even laughing about the situation. And we have had some fun.

My problem is that it is still so hard to divorce my actions from my emotional responses. My 'strategy' will be to do one thing, but jealousy and mistrust get in the way. So things start to get back on track, then I derail them.

I think her problem is that there never was an escape route. There will always be DS, he will always need her. The other bloke always had his family and seems to have chosen them. The only possible outcome from this was an enormous mess with hurt on all sides. I guess I want her to see that this way there is an opportunity to make things better.

She's away for a week soon. Maybe that distance will help one way or another.

Sorry, I misread one of your earlier posts.

I think you have been incredibly big-hearted and deserve to be happy, with or without her.

Does she WANT to mend the marriage?