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Original poster

Emotional Affair - help me get over it.

82 replies

UpsandDowns · 08/06/2009 12:31

Hi, I'm a namechanging Dad. Used to be a regular but not so much lately.

Last week I discovered my DW (been together 15 years) has been secretly seeing and emailing an old flame. He got in touch with her, they met up 'innocently' but secretly and have now seen each other about 10 times and exchanged around 1500 emails over 3 months. The emails have been getting progressively filthier (I've read them all) and my DW was leading the chat. They met up 3 times in the 2 days before they were found out. They claim not to have had a physical relationship, and I believe them but it would definitely have led there (she denies this, but I think she's kidding herself) if his wife hadn't caught him out.

Our sex life has been pretty abject for the last 10 years, and worse since we had our baby, who's 3. Maybe twice a year if we're lucky. She's always had a low libido and I suppose I've just got so used to rejection that I'd given up, although I have wanted her so badly. There doesn't seem to have been a 'route' to it anymore. She's a very closed off person emotionally; we're like a gender stereotype reversal - maybe that's been part of the problem.

I still love her and want her, but I know she wanted this 'affair' to carry on and she's nowhere near over it. I'm torn apart between jealous rages, panic attacks, and needing her love so badly. So I'm at turns trying to be 'hard' (which doesn't come naturally to me) and positive which makes me feel like a pushover. I love her and love my boy and just want us to be happy, and I want the fireworks too. I want what he's had.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and managed to move on successfully? And any thoughts on this coming from the male point of view?

OP posts:
Sanctuary · 11/06/2009 09:23

Sorry
but have`nt you posted about this before under a different name?

Dior · 11/06/2009 09:36

Women generally don't have affairs, emotional or physical, unless there is deep feeling there. From my own experience, I would never sleep with someone unless I really wanted to be with that person, which I think men CAN do.

So...it will take her some time to 'get over' him. I can understand your feeling of betrayal when you saw that she was leading the chase, especially when she could have done that with you.

I do agree that being too kind to her will make her respect you a little less. I appreciate your reasons and think they are admirable, but you need her to understand that you are doing her the favour by not kicking her out. Who is to say that she WOULD get custody of your son?

OrangeFish · 11/06/2009 10:11

OK... I agree very much with DaddyJ's advice.

She has had an emotional affair and might be heartbroken, you are also heartbroken. But the question is what got you there as a couple? Nobody that is in a healthy relationship will try to find with someone else what happily gets at home. So it is also about examining how you get to the position where she didn't have enough with your relationship. Yes, she is totally out of order, you are the victim here not her, but unless you get to the bottom of the problem you hardly have a chance in the long term. You can not make a person love you again by making them accept they were wrong.

I also differ with the idea of kicking her out of home until she gets over it. Simply because, if she is in love and heart broken, she may realise what she is also about to loose you and come back to you with all the energy to make the realtionship work... but considering your relationship has not been exactly in good shape for a few years, she may also also come to the conclusion that she was staying for practical reasons and that she is ok on her own. You have a 50/50 chance of the things turning out as you wish.

If you are not so sure you want to take this 50/50 chance route, perhaps it is all about biting the bullet, get to a marriage counselor asap, and work on a way to improve your relationship.

Original poster
UpsandDowns · 11/06/2009 10:25

"Sorry
but have`nt you posted about this before under a different name?"

Nope. Scouts honour.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 11/06/2009 14:02

if she moves out and discovers she was only staying in the relationship for practical reasons surely that is better than spending months or years going to counselling and working on the marriage only for her to realise the same thing in the end anyway? If

SolidGoldBrass · 11/06/2009 14:35

Maybe her moving out at least temporarily would benefit you both in that right now you are probably deadlocked, but what you do need to acknowledge is that her feelings of grief and anguish are real - just as she needs to acknowledge that your feelings are real.
People hardly ever have affairs purely to hurt an existing partner's feelings. We are not, in fact, all inherently monogamous and the pressure to be monogamous, like it or not, is what leads to wretched situations like this.

Original poster
UpsandDowns · 11/06/2009 14:47

SGB, I know your views of old and give them due respect, but the point is this is a monogamous relationship that we both chose to be a part of. She would have been no happier with me going down this road than I am that she has. I've never been particularly possessive, jealous or controlling; more I think my passivity has been an issue.

It's my trust that she has betrayed, not my rigid sexual mores.

Our problems do have a sexual basis, and I'll take my share of responsibility for that, but it's not about monogamy. Not everything is about monogamy. It's about lack of communication, complacency, frustration... on both sides.

OP posts:
Original poster
UpsandDowns · 11/06/2009 14:49

And I do accept her grief and anguish are real. I think they're fucking selfish though.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 11/06/2009 15:29

its very selfish of her to let you witness these emotions. Very. does she have no thought for your feelings or are you so accommodating (to put it diplomatically) that she thinks it is acceptable? Most people would hide it.

I don't think its about the pressure to be monogamous - he was hardly holding a gun to her head. It s about dishonesty, cowardice and selfishness. She could have left the OP at any point but was content to lie and engage in a sordid little fantasy rather than face up to the problems in a marriage she entered into willingly and is still purporting to want to continue.

Rollergirl1 · 11/06/2009 15:42

I hate to say it but I think actions speak louder than words. From what you say she sounds almost indifferent to the pain she has inflicted on you. If she respected you and your marriage she would be desperate to make things right with you. Not suggesting a final meet-up to gain closure and moping around like she is the victim in all this. She's not taking this atall seriously. I think you need to gain some control of the situation. Stop allowing things to be done to you. She has to move out, at least temporarily. She needs a wake-up call and to gain some realisation on what she has done. Because it's not as if the softly-softly approach you have taken so far has worked, is it?

ings123 · 11/06/2009 15:45

The same has happened to me. I understand all your emotional rollercoaster feelings. We have still not got over it 3 months on. Made an appointment with relate but not too hopeful anymore as he has told me he doesn't know if he loves me anymore and refuses to accept he has done anything wrong as they have not had sex. We are stuck together as we have too much debt to part and neither want the children to have separated parents. I do hope you manage to sort things cos you sound like a lovely guy.keep sending the posts.

mrsboogie · 11/06/2009 16:55

that's such crap about not having done anything wrong because there was no sex.

abedelia · 11/06/2009 19:33

Exactly... if they had caught you out doing and saying the same things, they'd therefore be absolutely fine with it, right?

OrangeFish · 11/06/2009 20:33

I'm itching to suggest a book that may help, not to solve the affair problem, but to understand why a softly softly approach to your relationship is not exactly the best bet to make the relationship last.

Have you hear of Stephen Biddulph? He has a book that has a fantastic chapter on the subject (it is a little bit like the continuation of "Raising Boys" but for grown up men.

Anifrangapani · 11/06/2009 20:58

I like you have been on the recieving end.... it is not a good place to be.

I made a decision about what I wanted, on my terms. I decided that I wanted my marriage to work but I wanted to know that it was because my dh ( he is again a year down the line) wanted to be with me, not just keeping the family together. Once we had had that conversation - along the lines of fuck off you wanker do not darken our door ever again to start with - and being prepared to have him leave we were able to start rebuilding. The one thing I didn't threaten him with was not seeing the kids.

I sent an email to the OW ( who was one of my friends) saying that if she ever had contact with my dh ever again I would make sure her husband knew all the details and so would everybody else in our village. My husband also knows the consequence of ever seeing her again. There are no second times - and if it ever happened again it would be an acrimonious divorce and I would take the kids back to my birth country.

Oddly the thing that made him decide that he was staying was the fact I wasn't prepared to put up with the shit and was prepared to fight no matter what the outcome. I still take a childish pleasure in seeing the OW looking like a miserable old bag.

I wish you loads of luck - but remember you are a decent human being and you have to put you first.

Original poster
UpsandDowns · 11/06/2009 23:11

Today I am angry. It feels good to be angry.

She really started this around my birthday (including a disastrous night away - I guess that might have been a trigger), kicked on with it around our wedding anniversary (which she was totally indifferent to) and they were coming to the boil while we were on holiday (exulting in how marvellous they were for getting away with it). On each of these occasions I've opened up to her about how worried I've been about the problems in our relationship, and how much I love her. What an utter mug I have been taken for.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 11/06/2009 23:15

"exulting in how marvellous they were for getting away with it"

and you still really want to be with this woman? are you quite sure?

You have acted like a mug though - haven't you? letting her go on like this, going away with her on trips instead of showing her the door.

sorry but you sound like you let her walk all over you - its not a justification for her behaviour but does she even know you exist?

mrsboogie · 11/06/2009 23:33

she'll get the shock of her life if you do stand up to her OP

Original poster
UpsandDowns · 11/06/2009 23:46

God, I'm not that supine that I knew it was going on at the time! If she secretly sees him again it's over.

Kicking her out would be the easy option for her anyway; a while with no childcare to worry about living a student lifestyle with her mate... I don't think so.

I still think and hope the counselling will be key.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 12/06/2009 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bigted · 13/06/2009 00:26

why do you think you are second best?

Dior · 13/06/2009 15:48

Sorry, but I don't think kicking her out would be the easy option for her. Your marriage aside, I think being apart from your children would probably kill her (metaphorically!)

Anger is good - it shows that you are moving through the grieving process. If you knew it was going on (as you now say you did), why did you do nothing at the time?

I think you have been treated badly - no doubt there. Does she actually want to stay with you?

NotmyELFtoday · 13/06/2009 16:04

I'm sorry that you have had a horrible time recently. I feel cross at your wife on your behalf.
I think that she needs to grow up tbh. If she is still around the house and showing her grief at the fact this "affair" is over, then you need to bloody well tell her to grow up and sort out what she wants from life. If the tables were turned, and you'd been having the affair, she would be devastated if you were still showing feelings about the other person.
I understand how easy it is to get involved in an emotional affair, I really do. But if somebody has been having an affair, emotional or physical, and their partner has given them a second chance, then they need to make the effort.
It isn't fair on you.

I think that a short, sharp shock is what your dw needs. Has she seen this thread?

nkf · 13/06/2009 16:14

I think the problem with teh tough talk is taht it affects teh kids. Are you going to walk? If not, then you don't have an ultimatum. What you can do, I think, is withdraw emotionally. Tell her to get over it on her time. You are too busy to indulge any more of this childish wailing and weeping. ~And then do what you need to do to make yourself happy. Last meeting for closure, for God's sake. Where? On a windy hilltop no doubt. By the sea? People are such idiots.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2009 16:18

emotional affair is a term liars use to try sanitise their deviousness,lying,and lack of moral fibre.

sorry you have been through al this UAD.it is really nasty thing she has done

but she needs to chose a path
a him
B You and son

be strong value yourself and the man you are.she cannot have her cake and eat it.do you have friends or support for yourself?

can you try get the zing back
come couple time
intimacy again

hope you can resolve this amicably and be a family again

BUT if notkeep copies of her infidelity nand dirty emails so if it goes tits up you have a good case for a solicitor