Emotional Affair - help me get over it.

[UpsandDowns]

Hi, I'm a namechanging Dad. Used to be a regular but not so much lately.

Last week I discovered my DW (been together 15 years) has been secretly seeing and emailing an old flame. He got in touch with her, they met up 'innocently' but secretly and have now seen each other about 10 times and exchanged around 1500 emails over 3 months. The emails have been getting progressively filthier (I've read them all) and my DW was leading the chat. They met up 3 times in the 2 days before they were found out. They claim not to have had a physical relationship, and I believe them but it would definitely have led there (she denies this, but I think she's kidding herself) if his wife hadn't caught him out.

Our sex life has been pretty abject for the last 10 years, and worse since we had our baby, who's 3. Maybe twice a year if we're lucky. She's always had a low libido and I suppose I've just got so used to rejection that I'd given up, although I have wanted her so badly. There doesn't seem to have been a 'route' to it anymore. She's a very closed off person emotionally; we're like a gender stereotype reversal - maybe that's been part of the problem.

I still love her and want her, but I know she wanted this 'affair' to carry on and she's nowhere near over it. I'm torn apart between jealous rages, panic attacks, and needing her love so badly. So I'm at turns trying to be 'hard' (which doesn't come naturally to me) and positive which makes me feel like a pushover. I love her and love my boy and just want us to be happy, and I want the fireworks too. I want what he's had.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and managed to move on successfully? And any thoughts on this coming from the male point of view?

Okay, speak to the other man's wife and see what he's been saying about it - as in, how it ended, whether they have spoken since. IMHO men tend to be less emotionally involved in affairs and once discovered, if back to their wives, get over it faster. Maybe, if his wife says he is fully committed to her again, you both need to set up a phonecall (NOT a meeting) with the bloke and get him to be brutally honest with your wife about WHY he is back with his wife, and why he cannot see her again or contact her. That will give her some closure and she'll know he is serious.

Then, because she is the one who has done this, tell her you want her to go and stay with friends or whatever for as long as it takes for her to stop pining over this bloke, because it isn't fair for you to have to see it. This is HER PROBLEM, not yours, and she needs to see how close she has come to losing you and your family, but make sure she moves out, not you. Arrange access to your DC for you or her for a few hours daily, just to show her the joys of single parenthood, also. This method is tried and tested on my H by the way (except the phone call - her H sorted that out)

Abedeali, what a ghastly idea. If the OP arranges for a public slapdown like this his DW will dump him and deservedly so -he's not her boss or her owner and does not have the right to punish her.

THe thing is, it's entirely possible to love more than one person deeply and sincerely.It happens a lot. Sometimes people process this sort of thing better than othersm but the best way through it is to keep talking but avoid blame on either side, be honest but kind.

I find it hard to believe that you can be in love with two people at once.

I think that possibly the OP's wife has forgotten that she loves him and is (maybe) imagining that she loves the OM.

I don't think that a load of filthy emails to an old flame and a couple of secret assignations is enough of a basis for her to know whether she loves him or not.

Wouldn't advise doing the telephone thing though - would be counter-productive I'd imagine.

But she has a duty to understand what's going on and then to make a proper decision and be kind to her husband, doesn't she?

At the moment she is just wallowing in self pity. I doubt he signed up for a relationship where he would condone his wife hanging around the house but moping over another bloke, especially when he is feeling very hurt. She can love two people, but her H doesn't want her to and if she is going to be with him and make up for her betrayal then she can't be rubbing his nose in it.

And it might do her good to clear her head away from both of them so she's sure of what she's doing - I know someone who went back, then left his wife again for the OW four months later. That caused a ridiculous amount of hurt.

I don't mean it as a slapdown, just a sort of truth telling session where a lot of things are cleared up. For all we know, the OM's wife may have found out, smashed his phone, and they haven't had any contact since. In my H's case it gave him the opportunity to tell her that if he went back to his old work for drinks with colleagues then she couldn't be there as it would be totally out of order. She didn't see why that was wrong (though I bet her H would have had quite a bit to say if she'd tried it).

Meant to add, as OP's wife is looking to meet with the man she obviously has issues she wants to sort out. If she knows he is going back to his wife and why, then she can grieve and move on.

solid - I agree that a set up phone call sounds awful. But I think the OP needs to worry less about being 'kind' and more about self-preservation to be honest.

You need to get to the bottom of why your sex life has disappeared.
Is it because of your dp's low libido or because of the baby -
or is it because she does not find you sexually attractive anymore?

1500 emails, including some pretty 'filthy' ones, badly undermine the low libido line.
And if having a baby is the issue then how come the lack of bedroom activity
started 7 years before the baby arrived?

Either I am missing something (I hope I am) or you need to stop kidding yourself.

You seem a very decent bloke (course, you're a male Mumsnetter ) but don't forget
your dignity and your self-respect. Nice guys do not finish last!
If she does not want to be with you then you must look into other options,
as long as you both make sure the little lad is looked after.

Thanks DaddyJ. I'm hoping that counselling will help us get to the bottom of our problems.

When we do have sex it is always good, and passionate. It's getting started that is the problem - I've always thought that there was something 'locked away' that I could no longer get to. She can be a bit prim (which is what makes the emails so hard as I'm no prude and would love a bit more sauce in our relationship) but I know there is passion there. It wasn't always that way of course, just a gradual tailing off after the first intensity, and the baby hasn't helped.

Of course I've asked her if she doesn't fancy me in the past. She always says no (I've got all my own teeth and am in decent shape ). I think we're both pretty confused as to why it just doesn't happen really.

For what it's worth we had a really good talk (and more) last night after I set out my conditions for moving things on. Thanks for everyone's input so far.

The "classic advice" as to why sex just"doesn't happen any more" is to set aside time when you can be together- actual time-table in an early night!

However, it sounds deeper than that from what you say.

In a lot of marriages sex is an indicator of how good the relationship in underneath.

I have had an emotional affair that lasted 2 years, with an ex- it did become physical, but hardly ever - we only met a very few times. At the time, I was completely "off" my DH- all i thought about was the OM.

When you say your wife is a bit of a prude, maybe that is only with you, as she feels inhibited, or she has gone off you?

I can't offer you any advice, other than to keep talking to her and ask her to be honest over whather she wants to stay in the marriage.

Great stuff!
I am pretty impressed with your attitude -
you must love her a lot!

Maybe I am a bit old-fashioned but it would be sad to see a young family break up
so I keep my fingers crossed and hope you two find that spark again.

Monogamy does work but you have to make it work.

The major problem is her grief over this curtailed affair/fling/whatever. The fact that it meant something is what kills me. She's unable to hide the grief, and I've told her she'll have to leave for a while if she can't at least hide it.

She says she's also thought about leaving for a while to avoid hurting me and DS the way she is at the moment.

I don't want her to go. She says she doesn't want to go. She can't get over him (yet?) even though there's zero chance of the relationship going anywhere. We are at an impasse. I think I'm cracking up.

She will grieve over him - she has "lost" him but she hasn't "lost" you - you are still there, loving her, looking sad, wanting her, being constant, resenting her grieving over a fantasy - which, if it was mostly conducted in writing, is all the affair was, whether she knows it or not.

If she were to move out she might see that she has more to grieve about in not having you and your family set up. or she may not, either way its probably the only way to move things on. She doesn't want to leave - well that's as may be, it might be the best thing for everyone concerned - even if it was just to give her time to get it all out of her system.

Well said Mrs Boogie. if you have to see her like that you will end up resenting her for it. Better to let her go and clear her head - she will miss you and your child and that will be a good thing.

Thanks everyone, and bump. I'd like more advice, even if it's tough love.

when you say she can't "hide her grief" it makes me go what is she doing to express this grief? are you sure its grief and not shame at what she has done?

I would have no patience for her grief to be honest - she has no right to be moping or crying or whatever she is doing in this self indulgent manner in front of you.
she has cheated and betrayed you in the most horrible way and now she is moping round feeling sorry for herself?

I think you should definitely ask her to leave to give you both some breathing space and maybe get a tiny inking into her self indulgent head that you are not there to be taken total advantage of.

It was all just coming to a head (so to speak) when they were found out. I think they'd have got there within a week or two. So as you said, she'd 'lost' him. Again.

I am still extremely angry. I don't know how I can come out of this with any self respect. But my self respect is less important than my family. I just know I'm going to be on my death bed thinking 'I was second best'. How can I ever live with that?

I'm sorry but you need to boot her out of your home for a while,while YOU come to terms with her infidelity,all this moping and 'grief' crap is her being self indulgent.

Has she admitted that she was in love with this chap? Was it just the attention that she craved?

Sounds harsh but sod her feelings at the moment,think about you.

Dh and I have been in similar situation (don't really want to go into it much here)and have almost come out the other side,it can happen but it takes alot of work on BOTH sides.

Sorry that you are going through this.

I don't know how you can live with it. I couldn't. I have been in a fairly similar situation with regard to a partner and his ex (she was very much his "first love"). I even saw an email in which he told her that he wished he could be with her but it would never work, and the very last sentence in the email was that he loved me.

It caused a massive row between us and I finished it. I couldn't get my head round the fact that something had clearly been going on and that he seemed to be saying he loved both of us or whatever.

In the end after much pleading from him I took him back after he had texted her in front of me saying he wanted to be with me and that was it.

It bugged me for a while but I told myself that he had had a choice and had chosen me.

You haven't got that yet. You don't know whether she would have chosen you in the end. But you can give her the chance to think about whether she wants you now. You mustn't cling to the idea of family now. The family you thought you were doesn't exist does it?

You are going to have to go back to the beginning and make a new family - whether it is the three of you together or not remains to be seen. But you will not be doing your child any favours if you try to maintain a family composed of a reluctant and miserable mother and a hurt and resentful father. Could you really contemplate spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn't want to be with you just for the sake of your son having both his parents under the same roof?

He will know you are unhappy and will pick up on it.

You need to start the relationship again from scratch - if she is willing. She will have to be honest with you though as she clearly has not been in the past (and not just about the OM)

"Could you really contemplate spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn't want to be with you just for the sake of your son having both his parents under the same roof?"

No.

"She will have to be honest with you though as she clearly has not been in the past (and not just about the OM)"

I know.

Ask her to leave then.

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope it works out for you.

But then again I just can't contemplate my son not having both his parents under the same roof. Aaaaaarrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh!

DOes your wife WANT to keep your family intact?

If the other man had been willing to get together with her in a permanent way would she have wanted that?

The fact she was swept along by the intensity of the affair does not mean that in the overall scheme of things you are second best.

I hope you can work through this. Many people have gone through similar and come out the other end stronger. Good luck

Being under the same roof may be overrated.

He will adjust. So long as you both put his happiness first and he knows you both love him he will always be ok.

It might not be forever (or even for very long).

The best thing you can do for your child is to have a good relationship with his mother - whether you have resolved your problems and are together or are separate but jointly parenting.

Haven't read it all, but it is possible (just an unfounded theory as obviously I don't know your wife) that your DW might snap out of it if you get a bit cross - stop her taking you for granted if she is. Or you can continue to be cool but you should ensure that your confidence and self assuredness is in tact. Sometimes there is a danger of DP finding you the less attractive option if you are too wet. Could be risky but you good give her a straight choice between you and him. But keep cool about it. I think it is commendable to ensure that DC is protected but you can do all of this without argument and in a civil manner. You can separate and live under the same roof, for a time if that is what is required. I just think you need to be a bit emotionally tough for a bit but keep the door open for reconciliation since that is what you want.

Namechanger here-

Your wife is being incredibly selfish. Ihave had 2 EAs and each almost ended in a full-on affair- some may say one did, as there was certainly some physical contact.

However, my husband knows nothing - except thinking that these men were friends- which they were- that's how it began, then became deepr.

When it ended- because we realised we wanted more and it couldn't be- I was terrily upset but had to keep it all to myself. That was very, very hard. But I knew that was part of the price I had to pay for getting into that situation.

However hard it is, I think you have to start acting a bit more like a macho man and your wife might have more respect for you.

You need to tell her to pull herself together,( in front of you anyway) do her grieving elsewhere, and put her back into getting your marriage on track.

If she can't then I think you have to give her an ultimatum- move out til she is over it.