I think this is the end of the road. DH is at it again, but now I need hard evidence

[nanog]

I have a very practical question, but I think you should read the background to fully appreciate the extent of my pain. I've had to think long and hard about posting here, because I'm having to face up to the facts that my 11-year marraige may be over.

Some of you may recall my previous post in Aug, when I shared my devasting experience of finding DH naked in the garage, videos on his phone pleasuring himself and calls to a massage parlour. Here is the thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=relationships&threadid=580184-am-i-being-paranoid#11842572

It went on, until I was ready to confront him with my findings. DH totally clammed up and denied doing anything wrong. He couldn't answer any of my questions and basically wanted me to forget about the whole thing. This led to mass apologies and DH reasssured me he was just messing around with his friends at work, who we're all phoning massage parlours for a laugh (on my bloody expense no doubt!)

Anyway, since then we've been trying to rebuild our relationship, not to say our sex life. We have sex at least two, sometimes three times a week. However, I recently recognised that same pattern again - DH being extra nice; DH going out everyday (he's been made redundant) for frivolous things.

So, I checked his itemised billing. (I can get access to our mobile account online) and my suspisions were confirmed, when I found a number to a massage parloour. However, there is a key difference - You see before, he'd be calling a massage parlour and the itemised billing would show DH had been speaking to them for about 4-15 minutes. This time, he calls a landline number (i searched it in Google and it leads to a massage parlour website, advertising it's services) and then he disappers for 45-min to an hour. I think DH is going to the massage parlour for sex, blow jobs and whatever else they might offer.

What pisses me off, is not only has he betrayed and lied to me, but it's like he can come back home and then expect sex from me again!

Since I discovered these calls, my behaviour has changed. I can't be my normal self around him, espeially when I think he's sleeping with escort girls (or whatever they're called). He knows my behaviour has changed too, because I tried to log onto the mobile phone account this morning and he's changed the password. I asked him what the password was and he said he couldn't remember. So now, he's denying me access.

I'm no longer speculating about what he's done. I'm confident he has been paying for sexual activities?! but I need to track his wherabouts, so then he doesn't have a leg to stand on when I confront him again, because no doubt I will only recieve the same response as last time - complete denial!

I now know things will never be the same between us. To add to my trauma, I lost someone very close to me in tragic circumstances three months ago and I'm having bereavement counselling. DH knows this. He sees me crying to sleep most nights, yet I discovered the calls to this new massage parlour started during the week of the funeral. How could he be so insensitive and selfish. I just can't bring myself to share a bed with him anymore. He has hurt me so much.

I'm trying to keep it together for now, for the sake of our DC. I feel physically repulsed when he comes near me. Not sure, how long I can keep this going? I know when the time comes and I reveal my evidence, he is going to be so desperate to keep me on-side. What I need is hard evidence. Because without this, we'll get nowhere near the answers. I need to track DH's wherabouts to prove he is cheating on me and I'm willing to pay whatever it takes to catch him out.

Can anyone offer any advice please?

[AnyFucker]

I absolutely, 100% agree with ronaldinhio

nanog, you sound clear and strong to me

do not be guilt-tripped

he threw away 11 yrs of marriage

not you

never you, you have fought to understand and to forgive, but the scales are now falling from your eyes...

he will not change, he will stop his sleazing for a while, then start again when the coast is clear and you have committed yourself to his bullshit yet again....

you sound fabulous and far, far too good for him

[nanog]

He looks soooo scared and I oddly feel sorry for him.

Thanks AF, I needed to hear that. I have to keep telling myself that DH has thrown our marriage away - not me.

He's still begging for another chance. He thinks i'm being unreasonable - aaghhh!

[monkeyfacegrace]

Yeah I feel sorry for him too, that he chose a strong independant woman to marry, not a weak pushover.
You are being unreasonable, he is still in the house. If you want to turn reasonable, throw him out! Sorry, that doesn't help, but you are totally doing the right thing, and ask any woman in an abusive relationship (not this senario but just for example), but the man will always blame it on you/your fault etc.
Its old news hun, you know you are right, we all know you are right, and so will all of your family and friends.
Stay strong x

[AnyFucker]

he is feeling sorry for himself because he got caught

he wasn't considering your feelings at all when he risked his family for cheap thrills

what a wanker (literally)

[Dior]

AF - I don't think it was the wanking that caused the problem

Nanog - You are NOT being unreasonable - he is trying to make you feel bad. If he had any guts, he would tell you the truth and leave with his tail between his legs.

[nanog]

I have decided to make an appt with a family lawyer.

Does anyone have any reccomendations? I live in the West Midlands area.

[HappyWoman]

well done nanog - knowing the facts legally will make you feel a bit more in control. Find one that you feel comfortable with. Even if you start proceedings it can always stop and go at your pace.