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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP frightens me

22 replies

DeepBlueSee · 07/06/2009 01:36

I have been in a violent relationship so it seems that now every little bit of aggression I pick up on and it worries me.

My current partner is a great bloke but he talks alot about "punching" people etc.

For instance, yesterday we were in a shop looking at rabbits and the bloke was explaining the mating habits of very young animals. I then said "Can these breed now?" and he misheard me and thought I'd said "Can we breed now?" and he made a joke out of it. I laughed along but outside DP said that the bloke was close to being punched.

He keeps going on about my ex, being really hostile about him for no reason at all and making out that my ex is scared of him ... he's never even met him!

And now he's saying he wants to punch my martial arts instructor, its "obvious" he fancies me apparantly and the same goes for another male member of the martial arts club ....

I sometimes visualise him going mental and attacking me for something he "thinks" I might do. Am I going crazy? I don't want to wreck a relationship because of a bad past experience.

OP posts:

lowrib · 07/06/2009 01:55

DeepBlueSee you're not really going crazy. This guy sounds like a violent and jealous man.

This is really ringing warning bells for me.

Just heard my DS wake up, got to go, but I'll come back another time.

TwoScrambled · 07/06/2009 08:33

Sounds awful, there is more to violence than the end act iyswim. He sounds violent to me, even though its all talk atm, and its better to realise now than later.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/06/2009 08:37

You are not crazy. It rings warning bells definitely. Any man who wants to punch other men constantly for supposedly flirting or fancying their partner has an abnormal level of jealousy, it's very unhealthy and potentially dangerous. Plus it's really unpleasant even if he doesn't actually mean it, it just makes him look aggressive and paranoid.

thesockmonsterofdoom · 07/06/2009 08:41

I would worry a lot about that amount of jealousy, not healthy never mind anythiong else. you are going to end up not being allowed to talk to anyone incase you make him jealous.

FigmentOfYourImagination · 07/06/2009 08:45

I agree with those who say that alarm bells are ringing. It sounds to me like he is grooming you, by saying all this stuff, so that if he does go mental one day he can say 'Hey, I warned you' and turn it into your fault.

How long have you been together ? Do you live togther ? Have children together ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/06/2009 08:50

DBS

Many abusive people can be completely plausible at first but they cannot keep up the facade of normality forever as you are now seeing.

I don't think you're going crazy at all but your man certainly sounds both paranoid and insecure. This man is mixing insecurity and love with violence; it may be that he saw violent behaviour from his parents in his childhood. You CANNOT help him; as his current partner I would say you're the last person who can help him.

This is also ringing alarm bells for me as well; you can only save your own self here. You cannot act as either his rescuer or saviour.

JackBauer · 07/06/2009 08:51

It doesn't sound good TBH, even if it is just talk at teh moment it is quite controlling talk about men you have come in contact with. He sounds very jealous and possessive. It is no normal and I would seriously think twicce about conitnuing this relationship if I were you.

whereismumhiding · 07/06/2009 08:54

No DPB, warning bells. Definitely. Showing signs of possessiveness, inappropriate jealousy and over reaction. People talk about what they feel like doing. A man that says that regularly "I felt like punching him" who is reacting diproportionately, impulsively and has left himself over to misunderstanding something (I mean I could understand if the man had grabbed you, snogged you infront of him and the other man had been extreme)- is a serious worry.

Can you check it out by talking with his family /friends or anyone that knows him, if he has been a bit aggressive before (pick your words carefully). But I would step back. It's not a good relationship if he is potentially a DV man.

The problem with having been in a DV relationship before is that you have broader boundaries (they've been incrementally stretched), than the average woman. So, where others might pick up on something and get out earlier JUST BECAUSE because they feel uncomfortable & something's not right, you're more prone to thinking it might be you over reacting, questioning yourself, and accepting and not acting on those alarm bells.

If he wants to save your relationship, you could tell him he sounds violent and he needs to work on his quick to anger reaction - he could contact Respect to do a course. If he plays it down, then you know what's coming. Remember even verbalizing that he wanted to be violent is a way of controlling you, if he did it regularly then it becomes psychological abuse and he doesnt even need to lift a finger.

whereismumhiding · 07/06/2009 08:56

To be honest though DPB, I would seriously think about getting out of this relationship as swiftly as possible. Too many warning bells.

warthog · 07/06/2009 09:40

your radar is completely spot on. i think its time to get out of this relationship.

mrsruffallo · 07/06/2009 09:42

Alarm bells would be ringing for me.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 07/06/2009 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bucharest · 07/06/2009 09:43

Get out while you can.....

TrinityRhino · 07/06/2009 09:45

the alarm bells are deafening
he is jealous, childish and aggresive
sorry

Poledra · 07/06/2009 09:46

DBS, I have only once in 14 years seen my DH even close to thinking about punching someone, and that was when a man running for a bus knocked me over when I was 7 months pg with DD1.

This does not sound like normal behaviour to me.

mrsruffallo · 07/06/2009 09:55

It's not normal to be scared of the man you love.
You need to trust him, DeepBlue. If you feel you can't then you need to step away
Good luck

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 07/06/2009 21:18

Definite warning bells here too.
Are you the same as the other poster with mud on her karate suit? If so, then even more reason to get out of this situation, he sounds quite freaky.

NationalFlight · 07/06/2009 21:22

Oh good lord get away from him now.

These are classic signs of someone v v dodgy, sorry

There is a list somewhere...I have a leaflet, as well, a decent man does not diss your previous partners, think every man fancies you, bla bla etc etc.

Have you been together long - are you afraid to leave?

NationalFlight · 07/06/2009 21:24

Whereismumhiding may I applaud your post. It says it all, really.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 07/06/2009 21:25

Um, don't worry about wrecking this relationship. It needs to be wrecked. Get out fast, before his sense of ownership of you is too developed.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 07/06/2009 21:26

I think you should get out.

Either he is a violent man who will turn on you, or he is one of these deeply insecure, paranoid people desperately 'bigging himself up' and thinking that he is impressing people with his macho-ness and that he is 'hard'.

Whichever, it's really not a hassle you need in your life, is it?

hester · 07/06/2009 21:29

I'm sorry, DBS, but it doesn't sound good to me either.

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