To tell DP no more sex?

[lilacclaire]

I never thought i'd be doing this.

I have a higher sex drive than dp, he would be happy with once a week/fortnight, I would like it every other night.

At first we used to be at it at least once a day (isnt everyone).

I feel so humiliated by the constant rejection/excuses I feel I can't take it anymore. I feel as if im getting scraps thrown to me when he finally wants to do it.

I'm fed up feeling like this, demoralised, humiliated.

Im 33 and don't want to made to feel like this anymore, so I told dp, no more sex, I can't handle the rejection etc.

I've a feeling im not doing the right thing, but I don't know what im meant to do !!

Yesm a heavily religious upbringing can often cause major sexual dysfunction - that;s one of the things religion is supposed to do BTW. It;s a control thing, and religion is all about control.
APG is right, you have to not let it slide, not allow him to think that making vagure promises and throwing you a bone now and again will do. Remember, all the time, that both of you matter in a partnership, it's not about one partner being content and expecting the other one to suck it up for the sake of The Relationship, it;s about compromise.

Abetadad, im happy we've talked, definetly.

I do think the emotional thing is 'partly' to do with it, so not totally discounting it and I do need to take what he's said at face value.

Well, im being nicer and he's being very flirty!!!!!

He's definetly never been a casual sex kind of guy and there is somethings in bed that he feels guilty about and its beyond me why, must be the upbringing.

lilaclaire - you talked to him and then look what happened:

"Well, im being nicer and he's being very flirty!!!!!"

Talking about and exploring very deep emotions I am sure will bring more results. Having been to a Methodist school where we went to church 8 times a week and even stricter than Catholicism I can see why DH might be somewhat reserved. There are still things I feel deep guilt about 35 years later like your DP. Whatever it is, I don't think it is a control thing but it brings unhappiness to him and his drink and drugs may be related to it.

Early days though and good luck.

abedelia - you were lucky you never tried out any Methodist boys. Like Catholics but with the fun bits taken out.

Am I missing the point? if you are not getting enough sex and you have done all you can to resolve the problem with your partner then perhaps you should think about finding someone else instead of or as well.

ABetaDad - I went to a Methodist boarding school! And it was the two vicars daughters who got pregnant at 15... (Luckily I am blessed with a mind that tunes into white noise when faced with hours of compulsory church so it had zero lasting effect on me)

lilaclaire- can you spare some time to play a sport together? Badminton, tennis, squash, walking, jogging. Can bring you closer and get him fitter. And spring is a good time for "spontaneous outbursts" .

We could try walking, but we would need to take the kids as lack of babysitter, so maybe not that great for time together.

I think he is making an effort, ive never said before 'no more' and hopefully he's realised its more than a usual moan iykwim.

We do get a babysitter around once or twice a month (my mum). so all is not lost on that count.

I will try to be nicer, he has said before that i am very blunt and i've never thought this would have been an issue, i've always thought honesty is the best policy, but maybe i've been a bit too honest about personal matters when i could have been more diplomatic (diplomacy is not my strongest point).

Obviously, I am hoping that this is the solution, but tbh, im thinking it is a quick fix, but only time will tell.

There's too much that is great about our relationship to just walk away from this without trying.

I find the male insights especially helpful as men in my own experience find it very hard to talk about things like this in RL.

Women as well, its great to hear im not the only person experiencing these problems and if this is going to be a long term problem for me, then your input is invaluable.

Lila- I am not sure how old you both are, but I am told that it goes down hill for men from 45+ so I am obsessed with staying in reasonable shape to mitigate this decline.

Also you should know what he likes vice versa and each focus on that in turn. Doing something for each other sends a very powerful message.

Likewise, when things start to slide have a chat again (no arguing, no interrupting, no accusations) about each other's top three priorities on a day to day basis. So Nick Hornby style he should know what are the three things you want him to concentrate on and vice versa.

Also, try your best to wipe the slate clean on a daily basis - don't carry over previous day's sulks, irritations, arguments. Little peck on the cheek and a bright greeting in the morning. Life is too short and it doesn't help to carry all that negative stuff around in your head.

"He says that when I am narky or annoyed with him (which can be quite a lot) that he doesn't want to have sex as I have hurt his feelings (not these exact words, but you get the drift). I said that I am sometimes tetchy through lack of sex."

That sounds exactly the situation with me and DH. There is now way I want to get down and dirty with someone who has been unkind, disrespectful and unloving. And I can see that DH gets less loving and kind and respectful the longer he goes without.

Unless men really are a different species i don't think it is a cop out.

The booze and weed might not help of course but my DH consumes a bit of both and it makes no difference. What's the quote about it increasing the desire and decreasing the performance? That has been true from time to time But the desire is always there IME.

I guess it depends on the context of sex in your relationship. I wouldn't ration sex if I am narked (more likely to sulk and grunt). rationing sex for me would be cutting my nose of to spite my face.

Good point about top 3 priorities for each other, will definetly have that chat.

TD, hes only late thirties so have I got a small window of time to whip him into shape.

He's keen on doing something that would require a good bit of training first, so will definetly encourage that more and hopefully can join him (babysitter permitting) as its something I would like to do as well.

TBH, sex is probably the only thing he can control within the relationship.

Well we're both still making our own effort and things were 'improved' again last night which was totally unexpected!

Lila- sounds like he is on a role and is already very fit.

Signing up for a 10k run together could give you a common goal and allow flexible training; separate and together when you can.

If you think control is part of the underlying issue, would be helpful to give him some more control. And I don't mean "surrendering" to the man; I just mean giving each other a little space so as to make time together more pleasurable. Does he know that you still like him as a person? Are you saying it to each other or could he think that you are just after his body ? As with any team you need some motivational tools/activities to keep morale up. So reinforce why you like/love him and feed-off each other rather than drag each other down.

TD, he definetly thinks im just after his body (he has said this many times), i'll definetly try and give him more control, even for small matters (i am a control freak).

I have made mega further steps today, even though we haven't had a chance to chat (family been here all day and still here), but things are more positive and affectionate.

Great. This is all sounding very promising. Someone said that with things like this you could could write down the things that work and revisit monthly just to ensure that you are on track.

Its only been a day or so, so don't want to get my hopes up too much.

Time will tell, will try to keep on top of things so to speak and hopefully will continue to improve.

tbh its the closeness of sex that i miss the most.

Sameboat and jaydulwich I got a jolt when I read your posts, you and others have put into words how it is with me.
The difference is, and I am lucky in this, if confused, is that my DH, who I love with all my heart is affectionate to me in the day, I get hugs and kisses, nice text messages etc, but if mention sex, or the lack of it, in a nice calm way, he just turns into a different, cold person. He says he just feels differently about me, (but he loves me) which actually means he doesn't fancy me at all. I have just resolved not to talk about it any more, because I feel that if I do he will just leave. I have suggested we have counselling but he won't do that. So, I am just going to carry on as I am and hope that he will 'come back to me'. He isn't having an affair, I have asked him that, and he just doesn't have the opportunity. I just don't know this part of him at all. The last time we had sex (February) it was great, but nothing since.
I didn't want to hijack this post,but it was a relief to read that I am not on my own.
I am thinking that its part of the male meopause if there is such a thing, as he is approaching 50 next year. Can we please keep talking, I don't have anyone else that I can talk to about this. Sorry this is so long.

And obviously no one wants to talk to me about it on here either. Took a lot of courage after lurking a while before posting, so that's a bit sad and I still don't have anyone to talk to. If people feel I hijacked the post, I'm really sorry, but it seemed the most appropriate place to say how I felt, especially as others experiences are so similar. Hoped we could give some mutual support.

Hi, ive just seen your posts, sorry and you are definetly not alone, nor did you hijack anything.
My dp is the same with being affectionate, nice texts etc, but just didn't want sex.
Things are still better now we've had a chat, but of course still early days and will see if it lasts, especially as i have been reverting back to fish wife status in the last week or so as under a lot of pressure for exams etc just now, but still talking and listening a lot more which I think is helping.
We're actually just off shopping just now (and not for food for a change) without any dc which will make a nice change, so all small steps and all that.

Thanks so much for coming back to me lilacclaire, means a lot. (sorry if I sounded like an old misery!) Glad things are looking better for you. Sounds like you are making some progress. Really wish my dp would talk to me about it too, but just says he doesn't know why he feels this way so I can only go on as we are and hope for an improvement. Could be a lot worse after all. Sometimes I can deal with it and others times it just makes me feel so sad when I think of how we used to be.

Good luck with your exams!

Hi anyoneother. Based on personal experience I would not advocate allowing things to carry on as they are and hope that one day the situation will come right.

If you wish your dp would talk about it then you need to initiate the conversation. He is avoiding sex, so he will be avoiding thinking about it and definitely avoiding discussing it.

He may well not know why he feels the way he does but there is a cause and the only way to get to the bottom of it is via a process of conversation and personal reflection ie he cannot ignore it.

It is not fair for him to prioritise his feelings about sex over yours and you need to put that to him at some point.

If he won't go to counselling then you need to keep up regular exploration of the issue at home. It doesn't have to be confrontational, although sometimes it might be. If it does get heated, it will be worth bearing in mind that he may be feeling guilty about his inability to give you a fully rounded adult relationship. This could make him defensive.

Yes you are right, when we do talk he does get a bit defensive. He says it isn't me it's him. I try talking calmly about it and he just says he doesn't want to be pressured. But I don't go on at him about it, and I don't want sex all the time, at the moment I'd be happy with once a month! He went through a similar thing last year, ok in August and then nothing until December, then all ok until February. I could understand more if he had had a physical problem, but this all seems to be in his head.

That all sounds very familiar. I used to say very similar things to my dh especially the -it's not you it's me - line. Naturally, he doesn't want to be pressured because he is probably feeling very confused and guilty and he would mucn rather ignore that.

But by raising it you are not pressuring him into a sexual encounter right there and then, you are simply asking him to consider his position and the impact it has on you.

You mentioned in an earlier post that he doesn't fancy you. DO you think that is true?

Accio, I have re- read all of your posts, you are a very wise person and everything you say makes so much sense.

No, I don't think he does find me attractive, he never pays me compliments, it used to be a bit of a joke, but isn't funny any more. I used to think it was my weight, and lost 3 stone, he said how well I'd done, but it didn't make any difference. He does say nice thgings about my personality, but not how I actually look. I'm not that bad (for a 50 year old anyway!)

I doubt that I would stay in an asexual relationship. If things degenerated into brother and sister type affection then I think I'd rather get divorced, stay friends with my ex and find someone who fancies me and wants a bit of passion. Part of the reason I left my first husband was that I no longer wanted or fancied him, and didn't even like him touching me and I knew this wasn't how a marriage was meant to be. I don't think I could ever have "made" myself fancy him again, 10 years down the line I still like my ex but don't fancy him. We now have new parters and I think it's better for both of us to be in relationships where you do feel desired rather than stay in sibling type celibacy. Other people obviously see things differently.