To tell DP no more sex?

[lilacclaire]

I never thought i'd be doing this.

I have a higher sex drive than dp, he would be happy with once a week/fortnight, I would like it every other night.

At first we used to be at it at least once a day (isnt everyone).

I feel so humiliated by the constant rejection/excuses I feel I can't take it anymore. I feel as if im getting scraps thrown to me when he finally wants to do it.

I'm fed up feeling like this, demoralised, humiliated.

Im 33 and don't want to made to feel like this anymore, so I told dp, no more sex, I can't handle the rejection etc.

I've a feeling im not doing the right thing, but I don't know what im meant to do !!

It's also about intimacy and making time when each of you is the sole focus of the other... by saying he doesn't want that it is awful for you. I think you need to put this emotional side to him - he may not have considered it?

AccioPinotGrigio - I think that is one of the nicest, balanced and most sensible posts I have ever read on this subject.

I too very much think agree that 'saying get a vibrator' is a shame. I have to admit, that I often get annoyed when I read women on MN telling other women who have lost ther libido and where their DH/DP is the one missing sex 'oh just tell him to use his hand'. That is so disrespectful of the other persons continuing physical and emotional need for sex - and especially when the other person is still being respectful and loving.

I have a feeling that you and I were both involved in a similar thread the other day - and I hope your experience as a woman and me as a man but both sufering from loss of libido and both coming to a similar happy outcome should give lilacclaire and others some sense that all is not lost. The key though that I think that we have both found was realising in our own mind we had to do something and make an effort.

For me, the real turning point was realising "I don't want sex so you can't have it" was no way to go on in an otherwise happy and loving relationship.

Yes. I think the weed, booze, and weight (over eating / sitting around) is probably a symptom of some other underlying issue for the OPs DH.

lilicclire what is also true when I lost my libido was I felt unhappy, trapped and pressured by it. Your DH may be equally unhappy but unable to express it. Getting to a point where I screwed up the courage to talk it out and get it resolved and actually take positive physical steps to go and see my doctor, have an operation, change my diet, go to the gym, change the way I thought about and did sex were all things was tough but it worked.

While I was doing all those things, it took 18 months, I still resolved to actually being willing to be intimate with DW more often when she wanted to - even if I would rather not. It seems your DH is still somewhat willing but on his terms and perhaps those times might be the best time to talk to him to explain how you feel and get him to talk about is underlying feelings about his own life and his relationship with you.

I totally understand you.
I am in an even worse situation. I would be happy with once a wee/ fortnight, he is happy with once every 2-3 months.
Very upsetting.
I will go for couselling, if he refuses (he does not accept this situation is not normal) it will probably lead to separation

Hello EvenBetaDad. Thanks for your comment! We were both on a similar thread yesterday so you can tell that this subject is as close to my heart as it to yours.

I agree with you 100% that the turning point comes when you realise you have to make much more of an effort or risk losing everything. Shutting it out and continually rejecting your partner is not a long term option. It's just getting to that point though isn't it, it took me a long time and I am glad dh was patient enough to wait.

I am really glad it worked out for you and your dw and that you are here to share your experience and, like you say, offer reassurance to others in the same situation.

elelulu - perhaps an ultimatum to go to counselling could help stir him into action. On the other hand regular conversations/discussions on the subject between the two of you could be just as useful - if he would commit to this. You could attend counselling alone with a view to it giving you the resources you need to take this issue on and resolve it with him between the two of you.

on GMTV today they were saying 1 in 20 married couples in the UK never have sex. I think it's more than that. And they should have qualified that with 'At least 1 in 20 married couples in the UK don't have sex. With each other.'

with each other!

I think this all stems down to the respect your partners have for you and your relationship and for them to withdraw physical intimavy points to them not having any respect for it to be honest or for you.

Humans are programmed to want intimacy, not even sexual, just a cuddle etc. I would tell them it is an issue that needs to be tackled as it is making me unhappy and if he refused I would say that we need to look now about what we do because you cannot see your future without intimacy and you do not want your children growing up thinking a lack of intimacy is normal in a marraige.

I agree with most of what you say MadameC, particularly the final sentence about the children. But, I must add that for me the withdrawal of intimacy was never, how to say it, a deliberate display of total disrespect for my relationship or for my dh. I had a great deal of respect for him as a friend, as a husband and as a father.

I think I was disrespectful in prioritising my feelings on the subject over his and disrespectful in failing to address the situation more proactively sooner. I don't this is the same as not having any respect for him and our relationship at all though.

Whoever thinks that a quickie with a vibrator will suffice just doesn't get it. It's not all about the end result, it's about the energy, the closeness, the love between two people.

My exp did the same to me and God knows how we got Dd. It did go downhill even more after I got pg, but the rejection, the cold, demoralising rejection is the hardest thing to take IME.

As it happened, he was seeing another woman, so didn't need me. Gee, thanks a lot!

SOLO - I'm so sorry it turned out that way for you and your description of how it felt to be rejected is powerful. If I had read your post back when my libido was non-existent it would have probably spurred me on to do something about it much sooner. My dh felt just like you did but I didn't pay enough heed being too focused on my own feelings.

Lilac would it be an option to show your dp this thread??? Possibly it won't but I think he does need a bit of perspective on this.

Hi, thanks for all these responses, been at college all day.
I honestly don't think he will ever stop smoking weed etc. He used to be a LOT heavier than he was just now, so I don't know if that is the problem (but would bet on the weed).
His ex wife left him for another man, but this was years ago, I don't know if this would still be affecting him?

He just seems so bloody lazy, would rather just sit and watch crap on the box than come to bed.
Getting him to a gym, no chance of that ever happening!

I just wanted to vent and wondered if I was being totally unreasonable to stopping the sex. I know this can't be a long term solution and if he doesnt change or try and address the issue in anyway, then im afraid this isnt going to last.
I wanted another child, he didnt, I respected his wishes, but tbh, what i've got isnt worth sacrifising my dream for another child.

Lilac, this post will probably go against the grain here...

but are you sure you can see yourself still in this cold, dark place as you approach 40?

if your dh does not take steps to meet you halfway on this intimacy issue, then I can see you will grow to hate him and blame him for the loss of your "dream child"

you are still young enough to find someone who will value you more than pc games, weed and sitting on his fat ass

don't waste any more of your best years on him, unless he makes positive changes, but tbh, this seems like a doomed relationship to me

sorry xx

Thats alright anyfucker, i've been tinkering along the same lines..............

don't tinker too long, if you feel you have done all that you can

I am not generally a fan of "ultimatums" because they can tend to make a person feel backed into a corner and rarely give the outcome you wished for

but does he really understand how you feel? Is he capable of understanding? Does he care? What would he do if you told him your r'ship was over?

Are you in a position to leave him? Do you have any respect left for him at all ?

This is very sad, and someting have experienced. I find it hard to put details down, but my self confidence plummetted, because whilst of course sex isnt the most important part of a relationship, the intimacy and closeness of that side of the relationship is one of the things that helps differentiate it from other relationships

Having an unsatisfied high sex drive is actually uncomfortable and miserable. I 'lol' about it on other threads but the truth is, it is a source of much personal anguish.

My marriage is actually now as good as over (not for this reason) and now that H cant 'have' me, he won't leave me alone. (that sounds harsh but I am tired and am finding words elude me).

I like clothes but I am actually going to have to start 'dressing down'
whilst we remain in the same house. My libido hasn't changed, but have no intention of confusing things, as they are hard enough as it is.

The use of a vibrator should be a choice for pleasure, not a 'fix' for what is a very fundamental problem in a marriage.

In the end I did't know what to do. If I left it, it didn't improve, but if I tried to do something about it felt like a nag.
Ironically he was always chronically jealous of even the simplest contact I had with men, but didn't seem to 'want' me. Drink was an issue, and it is demoralising to get your head around someone choosing to fall asleep from drinking rather than spend time with you, intimately or otherwise. And yet in public he was very demonstrative, to the pont that people commented. It used to make me so sad.

I don't know what to suggest lilac, I have actually only ever mentioned it on here because I couldn't 'talk' to anybody, but in the end it eats you up.

I am so sorry, that you and others are going through it as well and wish I had something constuctive to say, but boosting your own self esteem is important. I hope you find a way forward...

Im not sure he cares how i feel, or is incapable of grasping the hurt he causing despite me spelling it out in plain english.
Im getting to the point where im not caring

Im not really in a position to leave just now, have lots of debts but should be paid off within the year, after that............

Thank you MW and to everyone else I havent mentioned personally, your views and advice have been great and I really appreciate it.

Sameboatasyou, do you wish you had left years ago?

AccioPinotGrigio - I don't know if its something else, Ive asked him if he still fancies me and if he doesn't I could deal with it as long as I knew. He says he fancies me like mad, but how can he!!
I don't suppose its something you would easily admit to.
Im as sure as anyone can be that there's no-one else.

My exp said the same 'any man would have to be dead from the waist down not to fancy you...' Ok, so why the hell wont you come near me then? I know now though don't I? Lilacclaire, I'm sorry to say that I don't trust any man these days. They all seem to lie and cheat and yes, I know I'm generalising, but that seems to be my experience of men. Grrrrrrrrr!

Oh Solo, I couldn't deal with thinking like that just now, would be like a double kick in the teeth!

I suddenly realised at the weekend that I couldn't continue like this (after another knockback) and have felt sick to my stomach ever since.

Since i've said my no more sex thing to him, its as if something has shifted and he is being very attentive, still no real conversation to clarify things after the initial one though. Maybe he realises im serious, but he hasnt acted very bothered.
He said it was a harsh thing to say after I said it, but then I explained how it was making me feel, the demoralised, humiliated etc and we haven't spoke about it since.

They do seem to do that lilacclaire. I did it with xp ~ I started being busy, not taking all his calls, saying I had to go when chatting on the phone etc, and he suddenly became more interested(not in bed though), but it didn't last and well, you know the rest.

I hope that your Dh isn't doing that to you, but don't you wish you had the truth and the facts ~ even if it hurt you more? I wish I'd known straight away. I wouldn't have my beautiful Dd, but I could've got on with my life and may have been settled and happy with someone that actually desrved my attention and love, maybe even had a couple of children with them...

I honestly dont think he is Solo, only if because he's too bloody lazy!

He does have issues about his body, so I don't know if he would be happy baring all so to speak to a stranger (but hey, when your horny inhibitions go out the window).

I want things to be different because I love him, I know he loves me but I don't think he loves me enough to do anything about the situation (or anymore than a token effort).

Im away to bed just now anyway, thanks for chatting.

Night lilac, I hope things improve for you both