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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To tell DP no more sex?

100 replies

lilacclaire · 01/06/2009 20:32

I never thought i'd be doing this.

I have a higher sex drive than dp, he would be happy with once a week/fortnight, I would like it every other night.

At first we used to be at it at least once a day (isnt everyone).

I feel so humiliated by the constant rejection/excuses I feel I can't take it anymore. I feel as if im getting scraps thrown to me when he finally wants to do it.

I'm fed up feeling like this, demoralised, humiliated.

Im 33 and don't want to made to feel like this anymore, so I told dp, no more sex, I can't handle the rejection etc.

I've a feeling im not doing the right thing, but I don't know what im meant to do !!

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 03/06/2009 00:24

I think the thing is, whatever the actual stae of the individual's libidos, if one partner is making no effort to address the other partner's unhappiness then there's a real big problem. While it's not fair to insist on sexual access, it's not fair to switch off and insult the other partner for wanting sex, either.

AnyFucker · 03/06/2009 07:09

how are you feeling today, lilac

Original poster

lilacclaire · 03/06/2009 12:39

Strange, sad, hopefully we'll get a chance to talk about it at the weekend and see whats going to happen.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/06/2009 13:54

good luck to you

just make sure you look after yourself and your future x

SameBoatAsYou · 03/06/2009 17:51

Hi Lilac -s orry wasn't around last night.

To answer your earlier question - I don't know. When I had my big "breakdown" 4 years ago where I halted all initiation I definately did. I can't remeber whether we had DC1 or not when I was told "you just don't turn me on" - and I think that is the thing that stops me thinking "I should have left when...." IYSWIM.

"I suddenly realised at the weekend that I couldn't continue like this (after another knockback) and have felt sick to my stomach ever since." That sounds like the stage I was at where I said I was never going to initiate again - which BTW is something I said to myself - not to him.

Do I wish I had done things differently at an earlier stage - YES. Do I wish I had left - NO - I don' think so (despite everyhitng written below).

It is hard. I don't know what to suggest - because I haven't found a long term workable answer. Just think about what you do. IME (and by the sounds of it from teh experiences of others on the thread) there may be short term solutions - which will without a doubt allow you to feel "relieved". In the longer term though...things do start getting to you again....only it is 10 times worse as you have pushed yourself into an unworkable corner.

In repsonse to some of the other points on this thread.

For me it isn't the actually lack of sex that is the problem. It is everything else that goes with it.
It is the fact that he will sit and listen to me sob and do nothing to talk to me, console me, acknowledge I am upset even.
It is the fact that he tells me that there is no problem, that if I do xyz he will be turned on (which he isn't).
It is the fact that there is practically zero affection with or without sex. It is the fact - and I hate to say it - that I am not convinced that we actually have a relationship.
It is the fact that he does still haev sex with me. But when he does I can't work out whether it is out of habit, whether it is because he needs sex and it is 'just sex' and I might as well be a prostitute, or whether he is forcing himself to have sex because he thinks that is what I want.
It is the fact that my head is totally screwed up and I don't think that I am ever going to be emotionally happy with sex ever again (physcially is fine BTW)...but this is just one component of everything that has screwed up my head.
Most of all it is the REJECTION.

Basically it is all a big mess. I see no way out. But hey ho. I am 50% responsible for getting myself into this mess.

Anyway....don't knwo what to suggest going forward....but a one sided response ("positive" or "negative") probably isn't the answer. I really hope that you can do what I haven't been able to and talk about this. Talk about it properly to the point where you have a resolution (which needn't be more sex).

SameBoatAsYou · 03/06/2009 17:52

Sorry I didn't intend this to become a rant about me.

jaydulwich · 03/06/2009 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

lilacclaire · 03/06/2009 20:51

Sameboat, its good to hear someone elses story, so rant away.

He was going to initiate a conversation about it, but was on his way out, the phone rang etc.....

If he doesnt fancy me, I wish he would just admit it. Its not fair on either of us if thats the case, I know I deserve a better relationship than that and so does he.

He still is and always has been affectionate towards me.

There doesnt seem to be a solution to this other than leave or resign myself to it and I really can't see myself putting up with this or leaving him! Pickled head!

OP posts:

SameBoatAsYou · 03/06/2009 22:08

TBH I think that personally this thread has helped me.

Reading some of the threads in relationships which consider active sex lifes and practices I was getting concerned that myself and my sex life were highly abonormal and unique. Perhaps it is abnormal - but I don't feel unique any more. I don't feel that I am "alone" anymore IYSWIM.

ToughDaddy · 03/06/2009 22:55

lilacclaire- How old is DH and is he physically fit. These are obviously factors. Also nutition.

I shall be taking up marathon running in my later years to keep the engine tuned, so to speak.

I hope that you find a solution soon.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/06/2009 23:41

I think you have to raise the issue with a sex-refusing partner of whether they expect you to remain monogamous or not. Because IMO a person who is refusing to have sex and refusing to address the issue of their partner's misery over the lack of sex, forfeits the right to sexual exclusivity - you can decide the yo uwant to be celibate yourself but that isn't a decision you're entitled to make for another person.
This is not a matter of 'put out or I'll get it somewhere else' used as a bullying tactic, it's about making a partner understand that ignoring a problem that is making someone else bitterly miserable is unfair and unkind.

expatinscotland · 03/06/2009 23:42

I couldn't agree more, solid.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 04/06/2009 06:57

Lilac,I really really hope something changes for you. I really resonate with what sameboat said about the emotional side of sex being an issue.

I had struggled with sexual confidance as it was, due to past incidents, but again, am physically comfortable with it. I know that sounds like a contradiction, but it is hard to describe. There is somewhere a very repressed, but enthusiastic imagination.

Your self esteem is very important because in the end I just think that if my own H isn't interested (despite what I am going through now, which I think is partly down to him now wanting something he can no longer have) why is anyone else going to be?

I didn't go elsewhere but have come very very close to considering it. And that hurts deeply because it means I am at a point I am considering compromising my own principles.

oh lilac, please don't get as screwed up as me. Be as positive and assertive as you can so that in x number of years down the road you are not looking back wishing you had done something.

deltamale · 04/06/2009 13:32

Lilaclaire and Jay, I really understand what you are feeling. I get it the other round and it is no easier being the man - I always have to initiate and my wife makes it v obvious it's a big chore. I feel the same - like getting the scraps, hurt, rejected etc. Maybe all of us with partners who don't want it should get together with those who do

SameBoatAsYou · 04/06/2009 14:37

AccioPinotGrigio · 04/06/2009 16:11

I just wanted to cheerlead again for the talking cure and to say to Lilaclaire and all others in the same position, that rather unfairly perhaps, it is down to you all to keep raising the topic with your avoiding partners.

From my own personal experience of losing my libido I can tell you that I would rather have walked across broken glass than have a conversation with my dh about our lack of a sex life. I avoided it because I knew I was letting him down and I felt guilty and defensive about that, I avoided it because I genuinely believed that I never wanted sex again and that there was no point talking about it.

It was a very bleak and confusing time BUT we came through it and I really think that was because dh would not let me ignore it, he initiated the conversation time and time again, he never held back from telling me how low and shitty he was feeling. In the end I couldn't ignore it any more. Eventually I thought about little else, about the potential repurcussions - the loss of a marriage, the loss of a great man, the hurt that would cause our son etc.

In the end the penny dropped and I set about making changes which helped us both. We now have a sex life which is actually improving in quality and quantity! However, none of that would have happened if dh hadn't kept the issue hot, if he had just done what I wanted at the time which was for him to shut up about it and agree to no more sex nothing would have changed.

I know it's a lot to ask when you are already weary and sad from initiating sex and getting knocked back, but you absolutely must not let it lie, you must keep initiating the conversations because the avoiding partner will never do that.

Sorry for the rant.

Original poster

lilacclaire · 04/06/2009 21:28

Well, we had a bit of a chat last night and I asked him to be brutally honest.

Im not 100% convinced at his explanation but feel it is perhaps 50% of the problem.

He says that when I am narky or annoyed with him (which can be quite a lot) that he doesn't want to have sex as I have hurt his feelings (not these exact words, but you get the drift). I said that I am sometimes tetchy through lack of sex.

I don't know how much this contributes to the problem, but we've decided to both try a bit harder, ie me not as nippy and hopefully should improve things.

It would seem then that he links his emotions to sex, whereas I don't (as much anyway, unless im not getting any!).

He initiated last night after the chat and we made up for some lost time .

As I said, im not 100% this is the full problem, I do think his weed has something to do with it, but he has always smoked it, so I don't know how much of an impact, but he is getting older!

I will monitor and be more pleasant and just hope that if thats the truth, then the situation will resolve itself to some extent.

It would be interesting to hear from the men now about the emotions/sex issue. Is it linked so much it would have this effect?

OP posts:

Original poster

lilacclaire · 04/06/2009 21:30

Deltaman, before last night I would have bit your leg off!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/06/2009 21:35

ok, that has bought him some more time to smoke weed and sit on his ass

tbh, I have never met a man who thought in such a negative way about sex

he is sounding like he with-holds intimacy to punish you for imagined slights

what a baby

so he put out last night, that should shut you up for a while

I don't buy it

Original poster

lilacclaire · 04/06/2009 21:43

I don't buy it 100% either tbh, is it that lame (I can be a total bitch btw)

It will only shut me up for a couple of days anyway, so will be being nice and see what happens in a day or so from now......

OP posts:

Original poster

lilacclaire · 04/06/2009 21:45

I've also thought he witholds to punish me.

He doesn't have as open an attitude to sex as me, he is a bit repressed that way (very religious upbringing)

OP posts:

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 05/06/2009 13:20

Not many men that I've heard about attach emotions to sex , don't think I'm convinced by that one.

ABetaDad · 05/06/2009 13:46

lilacclaire - there have been a few blokes on a few threads recently, including me, have mentioned how important emotions and feeling connected to someone is to them in feeling good about sex or even in wanting it at all. There is sadly something of a MN myth about men and sex, yes some single blokes (and women) want it free and easy with no strings but in a long term relationship emotional connection for men is as important as for women.

I think you should take what he said at face value and be willing to be convinced. It is interesting that once he had opened up to you and emotionally connected he initiated and you seem happy.

I still do think he needs to get off his backside, cut out the booze/drugs and get fitter and he will want it more.

Maybe there is a complex of emotional, physical, situational and moral factors here that has all added up to his low libido. If you can keep him opening up and live up to your side of the bargain will he live up to his? That is the key test. He has to want to though.

abedelia · 05/06/2009 13:46

religious upbringing Ah - now I see the problem. I have been out with two Catholic boys in my time and both were repressed / had miniature sex drives. Could be coincidence but I am not so sure. From this experience and that of friends, either they buy the religion and spend their lives feeling bad about sex, or they go the other way and use sex to purge all religious thought (though that's more the girls' way of going about it) imho.

Seems to me also that he uses sex as a method of control, lilac, as he knows it's the one thing that gets to you.

AnyFucker · 05/06/2009 17:21

Loving the absolute contrast between the viewpoints of ABetaDad and Abedelia....

Abedelia, I am with you, as usual

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