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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone else LAT?

8 replies

muscateer4 · 31/05/2009 23:03

Just discovered I've got a label - LAT. Living Apart Together. I'm divorced, and so is my partner. My children live with me 100%, and his live with him 50% of the time. He lives 75 miles away, and because of the 50:50 childcare split with his ex-wife, can't move from the area. It's been like this for nearly 3 years now, and I'd love for us to be together more. I've suggested that we move in with him, but he says he doesn't want to raise another family (my kids are ~10 years younger than his). Anyone else been in this situation? Am I just wasting my time on a man who can't accept me and my kids? A big, painful dilemma for me right now

OP posts:

ninah · 31/05/2009 23:07

kind of
nm only down the road though
similar age thing with our dc
I don't think I'd want three years like this tbh
I'm a bit at his comment about not wanting to raise another family, if you are spending time together he has to have a relationship with your dc.
I am beginning to see this as a dilemma for me in the future
how strongly do you feel about dp?

diedandgonetodevon · 31/05/2009 23:08

I'm not in that situation so I don't know how it feels to be in such a difficult situation but my gut reaction to reading your OP is that if he doesn't want to be a family with you and your children what future would you have? Can you cope with things continuing as they are? Do you have to wait for your children to leave home before you can live together?

How does it feel when he loves you but not your children?

GypsyMoth · 31/05/2009 23:09

Am in similiar position. Together 5 years. I have 4 DC from ex and one with him. He lives 60 miles away but tied to his area by his job and shared mortgage. He has London wages, so no job in my area pays anywhere near. We have our ds now, and he finds it increasingy hard to be away. He is also finding my other DC more difficult as they get older. He is very very pfb over our ds 15m.
I'm happy ish. There will be no marriage, no moving in. I like my own space after an abusive relationship with ex. Do wonder about the future though.

ninah · 31/05/2009 23:13

tiffany that sounds difficult
I thought I'd want space after abusive ex but am realising more and more I want to do the family thing properly with a nice man, but I don't think nm in such a rush!
to be fair, I can see that having been through the young child stage you might not wish to revisit it, I don't think I would either

Original poster

muscateer4 · 31/05/2009 23:21

I love him dearly, and am really fond of his kids. But diedandgonetodevon hits the nail on the head. How long do I have to wait for us to be together? I've told him I can't wait forever. He had a bad time with his ex, and says he finds it hard now to let his guard down to anyone. But, we've all had hard knocks. I think that if things don't change (or there's a plan to change) in the next few months, I need to let go

OP posts:

ninah · 31/05/2009 23:26

That's sad. I so see where you're coming from, and can see myself setting a similar deadline at some point down the line. If you want a family life you have to be with someone who wants the same, don't you?

GypsyMoth · 31/05/2009 23:29

I think we'll end up splitting too........it's all about ds now for dp. My kids seem to annoy him, too noisy, messy, cheeky......whereas before ds was born, he was so easy going.

ninah · 31/05/2009 23:37

god that must be so hard
it's quite that you say 'my' kids, they should def be part of his family too - they are brothers and sisters fgs
sounds like you have most of it on your shoulders as he is away so much
I know the dc issue would arise for us as nm has very close bond with his own dc and just would not feel the same about mine. We would not have dc together, so it's his two dc and my two.

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