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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WHat the fuck do you do when you just want out but everyone, everyone depends on you to be in charge and the sensible one.

65 replies

OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 19:48

I am so fed up with DH. He's been at home with the DC all week. And he has not lifted a finger to clean or tidy. I've come home some days and had to cook a meal because he is sitting on his arse playing FreeCell of all stupid things. It's his birthday so I've been organising a party and his presents. He's out watching the football and doesn't expect to be home any time soon WHich is fine - I've never stopped him going out and doing his own thing. And he's never stopped me really, although I don't ask much.

But what really upset me, the last straw, was DS#2's food diary. Has to be in on Monday. Has he helped DS to do it? Has he fuck! And guess what, it's now gone missing. Yes I could have done it in the evening but why should I?

I have had it. Completely. Idon't fancy him, there are times when I could simply kill him. For the first time in our lives together he is finally going to earn a decent salary after all the years when I was the main earner. But even when he has all the holidays off he is still relying on me to do everything.

But I can't leave him. I can't. We have been together 20 yrs. We have 3 DC. We have families who see us as the stable ones. The reliable ones. Both DH's sisters divorced a few years ago and amongst all the general clucking and discussion was one constant theme - oh at least orm and DH are still togeher, they're in it for life. My parents rely on me to a certain extent. Our friends have all been through splits over the years and we've been their support. I can't just throw it all away.

How do you do this? I don't even know what I want to do.

Help. I have just yelled at the DC - DS~1 was trying to help me out by marshalling the younger ones into bed. I've even critised their dad to them - never ever done that before. I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 30/05/2009 19:52

tell your DH

it is easy to fall into patterns of behaviours and if you come in and sweep everything up then he knows he doesn't have to do anything IYSWIM (not criticising BTW)

you have to be a partnership and you cannot carry this resentment around with you

have an un-MN ((hug))

Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 19:53

ruby - I can't tell you how many times we have had the discussion. I gave it up years ago

OP posts:
SimpleAsABC · 30/05/2009 19:54

Is leaving the only option left?

rubyslippers · 30/05/2009 19:54

can you go to counselling?

seriously ... by give you a way to deal with the issues and indicate to your DH that you are deeply unhappy at his behaviour

DH and i argue about the same, stupid things all the time - it wears you down

Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 19:54

I don't know simple. I've hummed along for years like this but recently it's got too much.

OP posts:
Hassled · 30/05/2009 19:57

You can't make decisions as important as this on the basis of being the support for your family and friends. Bollocks to them, frankly - this is about you, not them. They'll cope. Whatever you decide, don't make those factors a part of it. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

wilkos · 30/05/2009 19:58

second rubyslippers - tell him

he MAY be enormously apologetic? [wilkos clutches at straws]

also tell him how you truly feel about leaving. it sounds to me like he is just taking you for granted and requires a sharp shock

chin up x

SimpleAsABC · 30/05/2009 20:00

You need to do what's right for you, you can't be pressurized into trying to continue if it's not working.

Are there any pro's that need to be considered against the "cons"?

rubyslippers · 30/05/2009 20:00

there's telling and there is telling

your DH is clearly not listening

he needs to understand your frustrations - if you carry on like this you will break

castlesintheair · 30/05/2009 20:00

Your reasons for not leaving speak volumes: they are all about everyone else! Have you thought about seeing a Relate counsellor (or someone like that) on your own?

Hassled · 30/05/2009 20:02

Would a letter be easier than a conversation? It would give him time to think and digest, and you the time to put your strength of feeling across without getting teary or angry.

castlesintheair · 30/05/2009 20:02

Do you think you don't fancy him because he pisses you off or you just don't any more?

Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 20:07

Hard to tell castles. TBH most of the time I find him a self-absorbed, self-delusional, fat, middle-aged child. But not always. I want to remember what it felt like to be in love with him. But right now it's impossible.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 20:08

A letter might help. But he would be quite sneery about it I expect. His sister wrote him one about the death of their father something which left them all devasteted. He thought it was self-indulgent drivel

He is a fortess of self-conceit. Only his own pain bothers him.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 30/05/2009 20:12

Oh Orm. I am so sorry.

Please don't beat yourself up about shouting at the kids- everyone occasionally reaches the end of their tether and even though it's not their fault it's not the end of the world- kids know that parents sometimes lose it. They will forgive you.

I don't know. I think you need to keep talking to/with him and don't rule anything out re splitting if you feel this unhappy for much of the time and in a sustained way. Couple counselling might be helpful, if only to decide the way forward. Screw the theme that you're the reliable ones if you genuinely and after serious consideration decide to split. The rest of the family will just have to get used to it, if that's what happens.

I hope you feel better about things soon- is there a friend/sister/confidante you could phone up and talk to or cry with/on about everything?

Northernlurker · 30/05/2009 20:15

Does it help to ask yourself if leaving would actually improve your life? You can't stay for everyone else - especially not your wider family - but you can stay if it is in fact the best option for you.

Whatever you do you won't get to go back to you from 20 years ago. You will still have all the responsibilities you do now - but you'll have driven a truck through your life and that of your husband and kids. The question is - would that be a good thing?

Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 20:15

THanks scummy.

My best friend is the wife of DH's best friend so difficult to talk about this with her. I don't do confidences very well. Which is why MN is so good.

I'm not unhappy all the time. My life is quite good really. But not the bit that contains DH atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 20:15

THanks scummy.

My best friend is the wife of DH's best friend so difficult to talk about this with her. I don't do confidences very well. Which is why MN is so good.

I'm not unhappy all the time. My life is quite good really. But not the bit that contains DH atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 20:16

THanks scummy.

My best friend is the wife of DH's best friend so difficult to talk about this with her. I don't do confidences very well. Which is why MN is so good.

I'm not unhappy all the time. My life is quite good really. But not the bit that contains DH atm.

OP posts:
ataraxis · 30/05/2009 20:23

Orm, from something ages ago I think you live quite near me. If you fancy a drink (to talk to someone in rl who isn't a good friend) I'd be happy to lend an ear

SimpleAsABC · 30/05/2009 20:23

If it were like a jigsaw and you could remove the dh piece.. would that sort things out or are there other pieces which need looking @ too?

bluejeans · 30/05/2009 20:24

I echo what Castles said about seeing a Relate counsellor on your own - I recently had a 1-hr telephone session with one of their counsellors which really made me get my head around some stuff - not cheap at £45 but can be arranged v quickly at a time to suit you. Hasn't solved all my problems by any means but sometimnes it is useful being able to talk to someone outwith your friends/family

Tabithacat · 30/05/2009 20:26

Christ OrmIrian, I could have written your OP.

I am at the same crossroads - thing is, I don't want to leave particularly and equally I can't see why he should leave. My lifes ok as it is, but when he just sits in front of The tv and computer all the time while I sort everything else, it makes me want to scream.

Our house is falling to bits around us and although he is perfectly capable of sorting it, he can't be arsed. If I do it, I'm not doing it "properly" and of course, there is the resentment that I do everything else, so why should I take on something that is "his".

I'm sorry I can't help you other than to tell you I know exactly how you feel. Northernlurker's post struck a chord with me. Is disrupting everything for everyone really worth it? And what would it actually acheive?

I'll be watching the advice given with interest.

spicemonster · 30/05/2009 20:29

Oh Orm. I don't have any advice but I've always thought of you as so sorted and content that I'm really shocked to read this. I'm so sorry. I'm rubbish, I'm a single parent so have no advice as am crap at relationships but just wanted to send you a hug/glass of wine/support.

mamas12 · 30/05/2009 20:29

'only his own pain bothers him'

Why don't you inflict some 'pain' on him
And by that I mean not doing things for him or in the house that affects just him.
Not doing his washing/ironing, forgetting to cook for him, run errands for him pay any bills, and even not doing sex!

Seriously though TELL HIM Take him out for a meal and tell him how serious this is, his reaction will tell you the rest.