WHat the fuck do you do when you just want out but everyone, everyone depends on you to be in charge and the sensible one.

[OrmIrian]

I am so fed up with DH. He's been at home with the DC all week. And he has not lifted a finger to clean or tidy. I've come home some days and had to cook a meal because he is sitting on his arse playing FreeCell of all stupid things. It's his birthday so I've been organising a party and his presents. He's out watching the football and doesn't expect to be home any time soon WHich is fine - I've never stopped him going out and doing his own thing. And he's never stopped me really, although I don't ask much.

But what really upset me, the last straw, was DS#2's food diary. Has to be in on Monday. Has he helped DS to do it? Has he fuck! And guess what, it's now gone missing. Yes I could have done it in the evening but why should I?

I have had it. Completely. Idon't fancy him, there are times when I could simply kill him. For the first time in our lives together he is finally going to earn a decent salary after all the years when I was the main earner. But even when he has all the holidays off he is still relying on me to do everything.

But I can't leave him. I can't. We have been together 20 yrs. We have 3 DC. We have families who see us as the stable ones. The reliable ones. Both DH's sisters divorced a few years ago and amongst all the general clucking and discussion was one constant theme - oh at least orm and DH are still togeher, they're in it for life. My parents rely on me to a certain extent. Our friends have all been through splits over the years and we've been their support. I can't just throw it all away.

How do you do this? I don't even know what I want to do.

Help. I have just yelled at the DC - DS~1 was trying to help me out by marshalling the younger ones into bed. I've even critised their dad to them - never ever done that before. I can't stop crying.

Orm, I echo everyone's posts about how strong and kind you are. To be honest, it sounds to me as if you are all things to all people - worrying your DC sees you sobbing once, for instance, isn't a problem for most of us - and I don't see how you can or should be.

The fact that you're probably the only one who could change this doesn't mean it's your fault. I suggest, like many others earlier, that a short sharp shock is in order for DH. Give yourself a break before you think about doing it - you must be knackered at the moment.

Basically this man is not a partner, he's more of a pet. So is he cute and amiable enough to make an acceptable pet? Ie can you make a logical decision that his charm makes up for his uselessness (because the worst thing about a partner's infuritating traits is less the traits themselves than the constant hope that something will make them stop doing whatever it is).
I agree with the posters who suggest that you take a break from him, it will really help you sort things out in your mind.

"Our friends have all been through splits over the years and we've been their support."

Maybe now's the time for them to repay the favour - through your current troubles at least, if not a split.

Thanks again.

sgb - if he is a pet he is an ageing dog with bad habits and with a wind problem But yes, I take your point.

You are all right. I do want to make it work but I need his help. We're having a BBQ today for his birthday but before that I am going for a long long run. That helps.

I think a long talk is required. When we get an opportunity to be alone. Next year maybe

I think the 'making it work' thing is maybe not the right term, because it looks very unlikely that he will change long term unless you can manage to give him a hell of a shock. Because it's not in his interests to change: he's content.
Maybe what you have to decide is whether you can accept having him as a dependent rather than a partner, and arrange your life based on the premise that he's not reliable and won't put himself out for you.

Though there is one thing that might work - is he interested in sex? Keener on it than you? If so explaining to him that men who pull their weight in the household get more and better sex than men who don't might have an effect (because it's true, women get less and less keen on having sex with selfish lazy men as sex becomes another chore done for the man's benefit).

Here's a question: Is it in any way relevant that he has started to earn more?

I ask because I got the clear impression from my husband that as he earned more I was expected to do a greater and greater % of everything else, organise everything and generally give him a life which continued on from his business trips in hotels. It didn't quite work out like that!! I don't take well to receiving instructions as if I were some despised underling.

Yes SGB, he is. Which is another issue. As I am not. I don't like the idea of sexual blackmail but it might help. I guess that I will have to accept that he is never going to be an equal partner and act accordingly.

milou - I don't think it is. He has always been like this more or less. I am expecting more from him as he is now working shorter hours than before, and shorter than me.

It isn't really sexual blackmail, Orm, it's telling him the truth - that his laziness and selfishness make you profoundly reluctant to have sex, but if he were to make more of an effort to do things to please you or help you, it would be easier for you to remember that you once found him desireable.

That makes sense SGB.

We had a bit of a chat. I told him exactly what was pissing me off and he admitted he had been selfish. Apparently he is stressed about starting as a teacher in September. Which I can understand but I do feel a bit like a stress sponge - I have to absorb my own and everyone else's. However we shall see what happens.

And he's now sprained his ankle so he can't so much anyway. Hey ho....

We do this - and its ok 'til the next time. Dh is always saying "oh yes, I'm sorry, I'm being lazy/selfish whatever" but then doesn't do anything about it. I can't help you OrmIrian because I don't know what to do either! but I do understand.

Most of the time I just carry on with my own life - he seems to be happy enough with this arrangement, but then he would, wouldn't he? Everything is being done for him.

We went out Sunday together, but to tell you the truth, I'd would have been happier on my own. I think he is starting to realise because there is the odd comment that tries to undermine me (apparently, I didn't pull the curtain back far enough ). Now that is just pathetic. .

I hope you can work things out, either with or without him but I think that "that day" will arrive at some point.

Sorry, that lot is a bit garbled - what I am trying clumsily to say is that I understand what you are going through and wanted to show you that you are not alone.

You might need to do the "meal culpa" thing at a special meeting. Kitchen table thing. Official documents.

... you know, "I feel that I've been irresponsible in not asking for changes sooner, and I'm sorry for it, because it's meant that I've got very angry and rustrated at you, and that feels bad. And things ARE changing now. We are going to divide the housework more equally, and you are going to take on some specific tasks. What kind of help could you volunteer, or would you like me to suggest things which I think you could do well?"

Etc. Then work out a schedule between you, write it up, put it up and stick to it. People sign off their chores and THEN you get to do your fun games etc.

Might this work?

He can sit with a basket of laundry and sort it - ankle or no. (A convenient accident, eh?) Also he can iron sitting down. ut the board on a low setting. And he can watch telly while he does it. Loads of things he can do.

Sit at the table and chop veggies for the chef.

And what can the kids do?

Your dh does sound a bit similar to mine. Dh's job dissapeared in Jan - I went back to full-time to try to meet some of the shortfall. Previously dh had walked the dog whilst I got myself and ds ready for the school run. In Jan I suggested that I would like to do the dog walk as he would be doing the middle of the day walk - he declined, saying he needed to get up and it was a good way of getting himself woken up and active properly. Fine. However, he started not getting up until ds and I were leaving the house. Then I found out that he just dropped the early morning dog walk and was only doing mid-day. So I took control and said that I would be doing the walk and he was in charge of supervising breakfast. Sucess this morning - we'll wait and see how it goes!

However, it sounds as though you need some clearly identified jobs that need to be done - you take responsibility for some, but he has to do the others. Perhaps there is need for some give and take - but this shouldn't all be in one direction. For instance, in term time, you might do slightly more of some things, but in the holidays he will have more time so will be able to do extra.

tabitha - thanks for your post. It really helps to know I am not alone.

redcharity - I think a summit meeting is required. When I don't know . He is being great now ...inevitably. Stupid thing is as soon as he starts carrying more of the load I don't care who does what - it isn't as numbers game, it's just needing to know he's on my side iyswim. "What kind of help could you volunteer, or would you like me to suggest things which I think you could do well" - like that idea as I hate having to tell him to do 'little jobs' as if he were my 6 yr old. But I suspect that is why he gets away with not doing enough . Thankyou.

mistlethrush - strangely when DH isn't working he gets worse (hence the half-term thing I guess). When he was unemployed for a few months way back he morphed into couch-potato man! Drove me mad.

All your suggestions are good. I just need to get myself to do something. I have had the conversation so many times in the past that I dread starting it all up again. And he doesn't take criticism well to say the least. But I must get my arse into gear.

Perhaps you could make it a direction rather than a conversation? Seems to work better with dh...

We go along the lines of x, y and z need doing - I will do y, can you do the others? Or 'you're in charge of the washing and cooking today as I'm out late at work' or whatever. You do have to resign yourself to there being whites in the coloured wash (or worse, vice versa!) and the washing not hung up during the hottest part of the day when it would completely dry in an hour - but I can live with that compared to not having anything done.