Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WHat the fuck do you do when you just want out but everyone, everyone depends on you to be in charge and the sensible one.

65 replies

OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 19:48

I am so fed up with DH. He's been at home with the DC all week. And he has not lifted a finger to clean or tidy. I've come home some days and had to cook a meal because he is sitting on his arse playing FreeCell of all stupid things. It's his birthday so I've been organising a party and his presents. He's out watching the football and doesn't expect to be home any time soon WHich is fine - I've never stopped him going out and doing his own thing. And he's never stopped me really, although I don't ask much.

But what really upset me, the last straw, was DS#2's food diary. Has to be in on Monday. Has he helped DS to do it? Has he fuck! And guess what, it's now gone missing. Yes I could have done it in the evening but why should I?

I have had it. Completely. Idon't fancy him, there are times when I could simply kill him. For the first time in our lives together he is finally going to earn a decent salary after all the years when I was the main earner. But even when he has all the holidays off he is still relying on me to do everything.

But I can't leave him. I can't. We have been together 20 yrs. We have 3 DC. We have families who see us as the stable ones. The reliable ones. Both DH's sisters divorced a few years ago and amongst all the general clucking and discussion was one constant theme - oh at least orm and DH are still togeher, they're in it for life. My parents rely on me to a certain extent. Our friends have all been through splits over the years and we've been their support. I can't just throw it all away.

How do you do this? I don't even know what I want to do.

Help. I have just yelled at the DC - DS~1 was trying to help me out by marshalling the younger ones into bed. I've even critised their dad to them - never ever done that before. I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 30/05/2009 20:33

Do you think that if you had some time apart it might be the short, sharp shock he needs to make him buck his ideas up?
Is there even anything that he could do to make you feel better about the relationship? I mean, if I could wave a magic wand and make him do more would that be enough do you think?

Personally if I was in this situation I'd give DP an ultimatum. Either he pulls his socks up and starts acting like a partner or he goes.

If he said he wanted to stay and was willing to work a pen and paper would come out and I would write down EVERYTHING that annoyed me, I would get him to do the same and find solutions for each problem, rotas/specific jobs/agreed free periods etc and give it a fortnight before re-evaluation at which point we could see if it was working, if things needed tweaking. AFAIC the amount of effort he puts into it would make my decision for me.

(FWIW, I have done this when I thought things were so terrible nothing would work and now he needs a kick up the backside every now and then, and a whole host of post-its but things really have changed)

VictorianSqualor · 30/05/2009 20:34

work at* it

ilovemydogandmrobama · 30/05/2009 20:37

I may have this wrong, but weren't you fed up with him about 6 months ago, but then your daughter went missing and he was a total star?

he seems great in a crisis, but obviously not a reason to stay with someone...

Laquitar · 30/05/2009 20:38

Orm,
is really not fair on you to live like this and to think about everybody before yourself, you even put the whole extended family before yourself.

You know, your dh sounds very much like my bil. My sister tried everything. letters, counselling the lot. he wouldn't changed. In the meantime she didn't want to divorce him. so she did something milder. she took the kids and came in uk and stayed one month with us. she told him that she 'needs to think'.

I am telling you, one month on his own in an empty house DID fucking change him! He is different man now.

I really think that men like this are so used to take things for grand and they need a good shake up!

I am sorry if my post is not positive.
I really hope you feel better.

Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 21:45

Thankyou all! You are so lovely.

DH has just come back. DS#1 who has cleaned up the front room for me (scorched earth policy re tidying up - it's all chucked into a pile round the edges of the room) told him that mummy was crying (crap mother award earned right there ). So DH came and gave me a hug and apologised for being so selfish this week. Which is great but won't stop it happening again.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 21:47

tabitha - I am so sorry that you are here too. I don't want to leave but sometimes feel that it's the only option. Clean start. Terrifies me.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 21:48

ataraxis - that is such a kind offer. I'm in Somerset.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 21:50

spicemonster - I am sorted in 90% of my lfe. The bits that I have control over. DH is a bit of a fly in the ointment. Which is a good thing in some ways I suppose

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 21:50

All of you thankyou so much. Really.

What would I do without MN.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 30/05/2009 21:51

Glad you are feeling a bit better Orm, and DH has realised he has been an arse.

I must say though, all this: "We have been together 20 yrs. We have 3 DC. We have families who see us as the stable ones. The reliable ones. Both DH's sisters divorced a few years ago and amongst all the general clucking and discussion was one constant theme - oh at least orm and DH are still togeher, they're in it for life. My parents rely on me to a certain extent. Our friends have all been through splits over the years and we've been their support. I can't just throw it all away." is irrelevent.

ScummyMummy · 30/05/2009 21:52

Glad dh is contrite, even if it's only short term. Your ds1 sounds SO lovely.

Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 21:52

Thanks balloon. I am not holding my breath. But you are right - that parargraph is irrelevant. But so hard to see that sometimes. I feel anchored by so many people.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 21:53

scummy - he is. But he shouldn't have to be caring for his mum

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 30/05/2009 21:54

Yes he should- it's part of being a lovely person to support your lovely mum every now and then. Won't do him any harm at all.

missingtheaction · 30/05/2009 21:57

When he gave you a hug and apologised did you accept his apology graciously? or did you knee him in the nuts, shriek 'do you REALLY think that a hug and a sorry are enough to cover the complete selfish W**R you have become. Because frankly it's not enough for me. Here is a list of what you have to start doing right now. You have got until Wednesday. If you don't change your behaviour this marriage is over. Hear me? Understand me?'. And flounce off to bed with a bottle of wine? Because that's what I think would have been justified.

I can't see why you are staying, frankly. Don't be a martyr to the script your have written for yourself. Reclaim your life.

spicemonster · 30/05/2009 21:58

Orm - you know sometimes it's really important for children to realise that their parents are fallible. And it's okay to rely on them every now and then, truly it is.

I agree with BalloonSlayer - you are not responsible for holding up the family. They won't collapse if you end your marriage you know (not saying that you will be that is presumably worst case scenario).

I also agree with Castles and bluejeans - it would be really useful I think for you to talk this all through with someone. What strategies can you employ to change things? What will happen if they don't change? There is a lot of stuff you need to work through it seems to me.

cthea · 30/05/2009 21:58

Sorry to read this. No advice to offer. Did your DP see his past week as a holiday? Or is it part of a routine that he sometimes stays at home with the DCs?

Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 21:59

Fraid not missing. Wish I had the guts. I was gracious. It is my idiom . Need to learn to kick ass a bit more.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrmIrian · 30/05/2009 22:09

Which is why, I guess, that I am so keen on my DD to get out there and be independent and strong. Too late for me - I didn't manage that until I had the DH and the kids and got bogged down.

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 30/05/2009 22:11

But Orm - not too late for you to change things!

You do need to kick ass more.

ataraxis · 30/05/2009 22:12

Thought so, me too (remembering something about Musgrove...). If you do feel you want to, my email is [email protected].

Glad to hear he has at least some recognition that he has been an arse. Hope he takes full responsibility and pampers you properly tomorrow (and that it lasts significantly longer than that!).

ScummyMummy · 30/05/2009 22:16

You ARE independent and strong and everyone gets bogged down sometimes, I reckon. You'll come through this, I'm sure, either by slowly coming to see the situation differently or small changes mounting up in the fullness of time or being pushed to more drastic change. All can be good ways for situations and relationships to develop, imo. On the fancying front, do you guys spend much time alone together?

castlesintheair · 30/05/2009 22:21

Again, I think counselling would help Orm especially as you really seem to want it to work and find those feelings you used to have. This apologising from him is just sticking a plaster over it until next time. It won't go away. It doesn't sound like he is going to do much to change at the moment.

Laquitar · 30/05/2009 22:32

but you say in your post that you do everything, he doesn't lift a finger, you have been main earner for years plus it seems you brought up very good children. so YOU ARE strong.

Hassled · 30/05/2009 22:41

Orm, you have always struck me on MN as being a very strong woman. Don't start doubting that. And 90% of your life being sorted is pretty good going, especially if you've managed that without any effective partnership with your DH. I think a Relate session on your own is a really good idea - there's no need to rush anything; it's a big decision you have to make.