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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what would you do ?

92 replies

isitcheating · 28/05/2009 15:51

my ex of a long time ago is in contact with me again and wants to meet up with me for a chat
ive been married 11 yrs to dh
is this cheating ?

OP posts:

macdoodle · 15/06/2009 11:10

How could anything come of it if he isnt interested in your DC - do you not come as a package?? WOuld be a deal breaker for me!
Or are you planning on fulfilling your needs and deserting your DC to your H
Leave your H if thats what you want, make a life for you and your DC and see what happens, but FFS put your DC first!

Original poster

isitcheating · 15/06/2009 11:15

i know your right but dh has done wrong by me for a long time and i just want someone who really gets me.but at the same time im very perturbed by small comments he makes of kids in general
im not sure if i should call it off?

OP posts:

beanieb · 15/06/2009 11:17

I think the best day to deal with this would be to end the relationship you are in.

However I know it takes courage to do this as it's a massive change with a lot of stress and guilt attached. Having an affair will bring the same stress and huilt though so you'll be buggered either way unless you are the kind of person who can have an affair and not feel those things.

Original poster

isitcheating · 15/06/2009 11:21

please dont get me wrong i dont want an affair at all
i couldnt live with the guilt of it
im so unsure today what to do
shall i cancel or continue with this meeting and see what happens??
i need some help -so confused

OP posts:

MaggieBee · 15/06/2009 11:22

Don't go there. He'd only be satisfying his curiosity. Stay mysterious. Stay married!

MaggieBee · 15/06/2009 11:27

I see you aren't 100% happy in your marriage. EVEN so. don't do it. If your marriage ends, it'll be difficult enough, acrimonious enough, hard enough on the children. Don't walk into the role of the bad guy. Don't rush to cast yourself as the villain.

Remain mysterious and have a think about what's stopping you from leaving your husband or what keeps you with him. Fear of starting again!?

Would that fear go if you thought you could start another relationship instantly? IF SO, then definitely don't end your marriage on THAT basis. If you're ending a marriage, you need to know that you can stand on your own two feet and not need a man.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2009 11:38

if you are going to cheat on your husband, at least do it with someone who gives two hoots about you

this other bloke sounds like a right fucking waste of space

cancel the meeting

Original poster

isitcheating · 15/06/2009 11:57

can you help me write an email to call it off

OP posts:

ginnny · 15/06/2009 12:16

Well said Anyfucker!
He doesn't like dc and you have dc!!!
Even if you got together with him he would resent your dc and the time you spend with them, you won't be able to talk about your dc with him, you will never be a family.
You can't be soulmates with such opposing views on something so important.
Leave your husband if you aren't happy and look for someone else who is more on your wavelength.

Original poster

isitcheating · 15/06/2009 12:19

any ideas on what i can say to him via email -do i lie or tell it like it is

OP posts:

blinks · 15/06/2009 12:19

there are more than two men in the world you know.

why does it have to be either stinky husband or child-hating ex?

have the guts to be alone until you DO know what you want.

email- hi. i've decided revisiting the past is a bad idea. good luck in the future. goodbye.

Original poster

isitcheating · 15/06/2009 12:36

should i try to explain why its a bad idea re the kids comments ?

OP posts:

HolyGuacamole · 15/06/2009 12:43

I don't think you have to go into a big explanation of why you don't want to meet.

Just tell him you have given it thought and it's not a good idea, that you don't want to discuss it. You'd rather just move on in your current life and not be in contact.

If he is any sort of good man (and TBH he doesn't sound like a good catch), he will understand and respect your wishes without hassling you further.

I honestly think you will get into a big massive mess if you meet this guy. Sort out your life with (or without) your DH, work out what it is you want then do what you need to do to get there. Good luck.

HolyGuacamole · 15/06/2009 12:45

Oh and I wouldn't mention the kids. You don't know what his intentions are and if all he is after is a exploratory shag or bit on the side, he may tell you that he suddenly loves kids etc etc.

macdoodle · 15/06/2009 12:49

Your soulmate who you broke up with because he didnt want kids and you were desperate for them

Original poster

isitcheating · 15/06/2009 12:59

thats not very helpfull macdoodle i havent done anything wrong have i ?

OP posts:

macdoodle · 15/06/2009 13:03

What I meant was that he obviously isnt your soulmate if you have such differing views on such a fundamental aspect as having children!

The grass is not always greener - I think you are sat looking at a big fat can of worms and I would steer well clear !
For me someone who wasnt interested in any way in my DC would not be someone I would want a future with! Do you want a future or do you want a shag - because if you see him you wont be able to just walk away!

IMO you are still going to do what you want and sod the consequences!

nappyaddict · 15/06/2009 13:08

Is it not possible to meet up with him just as friends? If you don't feel that is possible don't go. If you do then go, but tell DH.

tammybear · 15/06/2009 13:22

I hope you don't mind my opinion, but if you think you still have feelings for your ex, then you will most likely not be able to stay friends. Those feelings will always be hanging over you.

My ex and I broke up years ago, then about 2 years no contact later, he contacted me. I was in a really bad place and really needed support, though I knew he was a terrible boyfriend, but really missed him as a friend. We met up and he tried to kiss me, which I was unhappy about. But after that, the next time I saw him, and because I knew he must still like me (or so I thought) I ended up getting back with him. However he did this just to get me back for ending our previous relationship. It was an extremely bad idea.

Now I'm not saying it'll be terrible like that, but I just don't think the idea of becoming "friends" with ex's who you haven't been able to stay friends with after your previous relationship in the first place is a good one.

I personally would say you cannot meet him. No need to give him a reason, but if you feel you have to, just say that you don't think it's a good idea.

Then you need to focus on your marriage before you decide to seek any other avenues. You need to focus on yourself. When I was with my DD's father, I was only with him for her sake, until I realised my happiness was just as important, as she wouldn't be happy if I wasn't.

Hope it helps. xx

Original poster

isitcheating · 15/06/2009 13:28

thanks for all your advice
i have emailed him just now and told him ive cancelled
just said that the things he has said about kids doesnt sit well with me they are my priority.
thats about it
will let you all know if he replies

OP posts:

HolyGuacamole · 15/06/2009 13:31

Well done lady, let us know how you get on

AnyFucker · 15/06/2009 13:33

if he replies to say he didn't mean what he said re. kids and he was just "joking", tell him to sod off

he is most likely after a shag

are you ok, you sound quite unhappy and confused...

this tit guy isn't the answer though, is he

Original poster

isitcheating · 15/06/2009 13:50

im ok just fed up in my marriage ,just want to be in a loving stable relationship ,dont want to spend my life with dh but too scared to move on and be a single mum -dont have the strength

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/06/2009 13:55

this guy doesn't seem like a good bet if you want a stable, loving r'ship

is it too late to improve your marriage?

Original poster

isitcheating · 15/06/2009 14:04

i dont know -he loves me alot and still finds me sexy but its all one sided
we never kiss or hold hands or hug its not just that theres huge trust issues ,i cant trust him at all

OP posts:

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