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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how to live life?

11 replies

stitch · 06/05/2005 10:55

when you know your marriage is over. when you know that the other person doesnt think of you as a person any more, just an efficent machine. but you dont want to deal with all the problems of lone parenthood, and step families etc. then what do you do to make life more happy for yourself and your kids.?
oh, and when you know that the other person isnt going to leave you, or find someone else, even though sometimes you wished he would.

OP posts:

Bugsy2 · 06/05/2005 11:02

stich, do you really think your partner is going to leave you?

robin3 · 06/05/2005 11:06

Hope I'm not being nosey but wanted to ask a few questions...
Does you DP/DH know you feel this way?
If he changed his behaviours could you fall back in love or has it passed that stage?
Is there anyway you could be best friends...i.e. would you have a good time if you both went out for a meal together or for a weekend?
Do you share equal pride in bringing up your kids?
Is it a silent truse or a tempestuous warzone at home?

Original poster

stitch · 06/05/2005 11:13

robin, youre not being nosey at all. after all, i am asking for advice.
bugsy i dont think he would leave me. he feels he has a responsibility to the kids to provide a home and two parents. i wish he would sometimes, because the way he treats me is not what i would like my children to see as a proper role model.
some of the time it is silent truce. for example, we do nothing together. not even watch tv. if he is watching tv, (on the rare occasions he is not working) i will be doing housework or on the net. and vice versa. we have been known to watch the same programme in two different rooms as well.

he likes the positive bits of the kids. but thinks that paying the mortgage and continueing to be married to me is enough. so hardly ever spends time with them. never with me.

i do have lots of friends. but friendship isnt the same as partnership, is it.
and love isnt the problem. i still love hime to bits. any tiny ounce of niceness on his part, and i jump! just a complete sucker basically

OP posts:

Original poster

stitch · 06/05/2005 11:17

he knows how i feel, but to quote him. ' i know what normal is, and you are not..'
this was because i had not put enough chillies in his dinner. id had a long day, as alaways, but had still managed to make him some dinner. he walked in the door at eight oclock and started criticisiing everything i had done. i was tired, and in no mood for it. told him so, but unfortunately not in a calm voice. and then i left to vote, which he was annoyed about. when i came back, the babies were still up. i told him to put them to bed, as i already had done so and he was the one who got them out again.
so basically i am not normal.
sorry am getting upset recounting this.

OP posts:

robin3 · 06/05/2005 11:24

More quetsions sorry....

What are his parents like....how do they relate?
How do you function in public...is he courteous to you then or can friends sense an issue?
Is he moody with friends or is it just you?

Original poster

stitch · 06/05/2005 11:32

his father died in 1989 when he was 17 or 18. not sure of the exact date. but he was about 20 years older, and i dont think they had any sort of relationship at all. she was from the village, he had lived abd worked in different countires all his life. she is also a b.i.t.c.h. and hates me. and doesnt always have much time for my kids either.
we are rarely in public together as he is a workaholic. when we are, he is not rude, but there is no personal interactioon. he thinks that is normal. for example he will go off and chat to the men, whilst ill be left to chat to the women or the kids, or by m;yself. and we never go out just the two of us.

hes like this to me, his mom and his siblings. oh and our kids on occasion.

OP posts:

robin3 · 06/05/2005 11:45

Ok....call me crazy but I think there is hope.

The basic issue is that he's screwed up and doesn't know how to feed relationships with anyone. He's probably quite lonely.

Only thing for it, if you still love him, is to apply shock tactics. Stopping the ceasefire and saying 'I love you very very much, I want us to keep our family together but I need you to be in love with me' and suggest -

couselling
at least one night out a month together (take in turns to organise)
compulsory couples nights in of Fridays/Saturdays or Sunday nights with candlelight, music, sit at table and talk about the week Ask him to try it for a month. Also suggest that you write to him or email him to convey this. It will prevent you from being emotional and the conversation getting heated. Also think you may have to worship a little bit to let him know you still love him and take down the barriers a bit...tell him in writing all the things you liked about him when you first met or something.

Sorry...I know I'm bossy but I had to 'train' my DP as he was the product of a single-parent upbringing and doesn't appear to have learnt how to adults need to behave in order to sustain a long-term relationship....POOR BLOKE I HEAR YOU CRY...having me 'training' him.

Bugsy2 · 06/05/2005 14:38

I think there is hope too Stitch. He obviously isn't a demonstrative type & it sounds as though he works too hard (don't we all) and is stressed.
Did you ever spend much time together? Do you have any shared interests? I think it may help to try and carve out some shared time together - just the two of you.
Lots of good advice from Robin3.

Original poster

stitch · 06/05/2005 14:41

thank you robin and bugsy.
i wonder if i shoulud just send him this thread?
will try to email him bit later on.

OP posts:

HappyDaddy · 06/05/2005 14:46

robin3, do you think the single parent upbringing had that detrimental an effect? i only ask as i only had my mum to bring me and bro up.

robin3 · 06/05/2005 14:55

I think it did in his case but I know it's not true in all cases. I saw my parents giggling and cuddling and having small tiffs then everything being ok again but most of all working to keep their friendship strong. DP really thinks you can keep a relationship alive by returning home to the same address and making the occasional enquiring as to whereabouts of the remote control.

That said, one of the things I liked most about DP when I met him was he really had respect for his Mum and was more thoughtful than most men I'd met...so ran the bath for me....puts things back where he finds them....keeps the house tidy. So there were benefits too.

I would also add that DP's mother is a little brutal and direct when it comes to communication and doesn't believe in tact or diplomacy so maybe that's a factor too.

Flip