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Original poster

Friends taking advantage ( again )

68 replies

crystaltips · 28/04/2003 22:35

I am meant to be going to a "friend's" party this weekend - and with all that's going on at home - I need it like a hole in the head.
I got a call from this person who basically said " You are not going to like this - but would you make a dessert for my party ?"

I explained that I had rather a lot on and that desserts were not my thing. I offered ( half heartedly ) to make a salad. She said no, she didn't want a salad she wanted a dessert and why didn't I just buy a dessert for her if I was too busy to make one.

Have I become too mean and selfish or is this beyond the pail ( or should that be pale - I never know !! ) ?

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 28/04/2003 22:45

Crystaltips if she's only a 'friend' and not a real friend and she wasn't kind enough to take the hint that you didn't feel able to do it then I'd say leave it. Could you call her and say you just can't make the pud? Or if you don't feel up to it just make up an excuse and don't go.

Soxwasher · 28/04/2003 22:47

It depends how much you value the friendship - if you do buy something. If not then just turn up saying you didn't have time. It isn't really fair to hold a party and then expect everyne else to bail you out - a bottle of wine - fine, but extra work - no way!!

WedgiesMum · 28/04/2003 22:54

I'm with wickedwaterwitch here.

But also to add to what Soxwasher was saying please see the recent thread about 'how long do your lunch guests usually stay'. Some people genuinely can't afford to provide the whole party but feel guilty about not holding social events... I'm not saying that this is what it is in this case, but it is another point of view....

lou33 · 29/04/2003 00:44

Turn up with a tin of fruit cocktail and some ready made custard.

vkr · 29/04/2003 08:02

Hi - I'm feeling guilty here. Pre ds we held lots of large parties and I would cater for all and get in lots of booze. Post ds we can't afford this and still like lots of our friends to get together. If anyone offers I always accept offers of pud and salad. The only person I directly ask is the one who brings a bottle of blue nun and then drinks the other wines/beers etc as it gets on my t*ts. Probably no help whatsoever but good to get this off my chest !!

doormat · 29/04/2003 08:53

With the others here. If she was a true friend she would know the score and realise that you have problems.

If you have to make a pud why not jelly.It suits your friends "immature" attitude.

eefs · 29/04/2003 09:25

I don't think it's too much to occasionally request a well-known guest brings something, but the way she asked was a bit OTT. You offered to make something you're comfortable making and she refused! I would consider that quite rude to be honest. I would definitely be offended if anyone but my closest friends asked me in this way.

A nice easy dessert would be a shop-bought pavalova base with cream and fruit on top, if you want any suggestions?
Of course if you're not going then you don't need to make anything.

marialuisa · 29/04/2003 11:00

Ummm, why doesn't she just buy a dessert herself?
If it was arranged as a sort of bring a plate party, or a response to you asking if there was anyhting you could do then ok...

Sorry, I think that she's way out of line!

beetroot · 29/04/2003 12:44

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beetroot · 29/04/2003 12:45

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Clarinet60 · 29/04/2003 14:35

I think she's being extremely rude. I accept offers of pud sometimes, but only offers. I wouldn't dream of asking/demanding... I wouldn't go to the party if I were you, but then I'm just that way out today.

Original poster
crystaltips · 29/04/2003 14:39

All your postings have made me feel better - in that I am not being a selfish cow !

a ) I did not offer
b ) she's an OK friend but tends to be very demanding and clingy - ( truth be told ) I try to keep her at arms length
c ) It is definitely NOT an issue of money she and he DH can well afford a party ( for 70 !!! )
d ) And YES why doesn't she buy the bl**dy thing herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
crystaltips · 29/04/2003 14:39
Grin
OP posts:
eidsvold · 29/04/2003 18:14

i would just arrive and say that you just did not have time to do anything - make a dessert or pop out to get one from the shops. Smile sweetly and if she gets all bent out of shape - show her up for what she is..... selfish and cheap!!

Clarinet60 · 29/04/2003 18:19

Bent out of shape! Love it, Eidsvold, ROFL!

Hilary · 29/04/2003 19:08

If she's happy for you to buy a dessert, why can't she do it when she buys the other stuff for the party? I would, out of principle, take along a bottle of wine and nicely say you just haven't had time to faff around with a pudding. That sort of makes your point without having to tackle her about it. But I'm a coward...

pie · 29/04/2003 19:15

You could always try bringing something disgusting like this and point out that salads are much more your thing. Then as she had insisted you bring a pudding watch her eat it...

Lindy · 29/04/2003 19:18

I would just not go - you can't be looking forward to it if you are asking our opinions - so why not stay at home (presumably saving babysitter expenses) and tuck into a nice pudding on your own !!!!!!

doormat · 29/04/2003 19:19

Pie nice one
Isn't that foul. Yucky.

beetroot · 29/04/2003 20:22

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Chinchilla · 29/04/2003 21:04

Hmm. I agree with the comments below BUT...

Whenever I am invited to a party/BBQ/get-together etc I always offer to bring something. My family, and dh's, all do this, and desserts are the norm. However, I would NEVER telephone someone and ask them to bring something, I would hope that they would offer. If they didn't, I wouldn't hold it against them. I also think that it depends on the type of party.

My parents are always offended if I offer to bring alcohol to their lunches/parties. Their generation always catered for everything.

Caterina · 29/04/2003 21:27

I have been in England for over 10 years now, and when I arrived I was very surprised to see that you are supposed to bring drinks to parties as it is expected of you. In Italy you normally buy flowers or chocolates for the hostess and it would be offensive to bring anything else (as to say your hosts cannot afford it!)
However, I have never ever been asked in 10 years to bring food, and in particular dessert... this is such a personal choice that needs to be made by the people hosting the party, dessert for how many people? This could turn quite expensive for somebody who is not even holding the party!

It is different if you are a group of friends having dinner together and everybody's taking one of the courses.

Crystaltips I think you are right, your friend is demanding....the least

Clarinet60 · 29/04/2003 21:53

Crystaltips, you could always wave a packet of angel delight under her nose and ask if she thinks it will go round everyone. LOL.

WedgiesMum · 29/04/2003 21:59

70 People!!!! Ohmigod what a cheek - how about offering toast (22p a loaf from tesco so 2 should do it) and jam (30p for a jar from my local cheapo shop) - it's what my kids LURVE for pudding..... (74p - job done??)and as a parent she should surely expect you to provide something child friendly????

morocco · 30/04/2003 00:33

it does sound well out of order but now I feel guilty because we normally throw these kinds of parties so just to offer the other side I like to have big gettogethers but no way can we cater for lots of people so everyone just brings whatever - some cook, some buy, some just bring wine. It's put on the invite and no pressure and if you can't bring a thing I don't think I'd even notice but does everyone else think this is really out of order? I feel bad
They used to do it on Neighbours all the time
But definitely out of order in your 'friends' case;