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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Discovered something which has made me feel sick

95 replies

thrown · 25/05/2009 16:47

I've been with my husband for 10 years and married for five.

I just found out that when he was a teenager (18/19) he punched his younger sister in the stomach during an argument- she is a couple of years younger than him. She told me this in passing this afternoon when we were discussing something else.

This was around 12 years ago. He has never been violent or anything close to it to me, or his sister (or anyone else), since we have been together. And he has expressed very strong (negative) feelings about men who hit women. Violence just isn't something I would associate with him at all.

Apparently he apologised at the time and then again some years later. For her part, his sister says that is what they were like as teenagers. They get along well now, the odd argument aside.

I am very shocked that he could ever have behaved this way and it is making me question the man he is.

I just wanted to get it out.

OP posts:

MrsMcCluskey · 25/05/2009 16:49

Is that all?
My brother and I used to rip chunks out of each other in our teens, we get on great now.

Original poster

thrown · 25/05/2009 16:52

Really? I find that reassuring.

I don't mean to sound like a drama queen. I was just really taken aback as I can't imagine this being something he would EVER do.

OP posts:

MadamAnt · 25/05/2009 16:52

Sounds like it was a one off mistake due to being young and stupid. You've had 10 years with him in which he has shown himself to be gentle and decent. I think that counts for far more than one teenage incident.

I found out that DH got drunk and deliberately shat in a phonebox when he was 18...Utterly grim and cringeworthy, but NO reflection on the fine upstanding man he is now!

PaulaYatesBiggestFan · 25/05/2009 16:54

sounds normal to me

Pennies · 25/05/2009 16:54

My bro spat right in my face when he was 17 and I was 15.

He's a neonatal paediatrician now and could not, would not hurt a fly.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. Talk to him about it - I'm sure he'll explain it all to you.

catsmother · 25/05/2009 16:57

I really think that the vast majority of siblings physically fight with each other and that unless she was a toddler and he was a teen that this would be out of the ordinary. An 18 year old boy is still pretty immature.

My sister and I used to fight all the time and got very viscious but it's certainly not something I do now !

catsmother · 25/05/2009 16:58

that this would not be out of the ordinary

Original poster

thrown · 25/05/2009 16:59

Haha oh my god MadamAnt- what an image!

It does definitely sound like it was a one off for my DH. And I'm sure if I raised it with him now he would be mortified.

At a similar age, my older brother once threw a basketball at me so hard it winded me (I called him fat- how mature we were) and would never do that now. A thump seems worse somehow- but it's the same principle I guess...

OP posts:

BanjosFanjo · 25/05/2009 16:59

Lol at the phonebox!

DP only mentioned yesterday when we were reminiscing about our teenage drinking that he'd nicked a car while pissed to try and get home...as he didn't have a clue how to drive he wrapped it round a lampost instead

So so so many other stories which are NOTHING like him as a grown man- I wouldn't judge him on acting like a twat as a teenager, their brains have quite different wiring to adults'!

Original poster

thrown · 25/05/2009 17:00

Haha oh my god MadamAnt- what an image!

It does definitely sound like it was a one off for my DH. And I'm sure if I raised it with him now he would be mortified.

At a similar age, my older brother once threw a basketball at me so hard it winded me (I called him fat- how mature we were) and he would never do that now. A thump seems worse somehow- but it's the same principle I guess...

OP posts:

skihorse · 25/05/2009 17:00

As awful as this is I think it's pretty much normal for sibling behaviour. Just about everyone I know has been violent with their siblings in a way they would NEVER be with anyone else.

Original poster

thrown · 25/05/2009 17:06

Not sure why my last post came up twice...

Thanks for your replies ladies. I am calming down a bit now, putting things in perspective.

I think what threw me the most (hence the title) was that me and his sis were discussing domestic violence and how horrible it must be to experience it. That's when she said "yeah, I remember when X (my DH)winded me... I felt so shocked".

So in my head the incident and hence my DH was linked to DV. And that's something that I can't stomach the thought of.

OP posts:

kiltycoldbum · 25/05/2009 17:07

omg you would not believe what we used to do to each other, though we were slightly younger than that! my younger brother threw a hammer down the stairs at my older sister, i got so peed off with younger bro being a shit i cornered him and battered him with my My Little Pony annual lol i had to be peeled off him, i have a dent above my eyebrow where he threw a can of polish at me!

then again our fave game to play was murder in the dark, 4 of us would turn out the light and it was free reign to batter the crap out of whoever you came across in the room! was a laugh at the time! honest!

vicloumic · 25/05/2009 17:07

my brother used to do all kinds of nasty things to my sister and i when we were kids like smashing our heads off walls, holding knives to our throats to get us to bed and much much more! now he is a lovely man with 2 beautiful children who wouldnt say boo to a goose and very sucessful in life. although the news of your husbands past was a shock dont let his childhood years effect your relatioship now or how you view him as boys will be boys especially big brothers, if your husband was still like that you would have noticed something by now! if his sister is ok with it then try for yourself to be too.

LaurieFairyCake · 25/05/2009 17:08

I tipped a table up behind my sisters ear so it scraped a one inch chunk out of her head.

I'm really quite the sensible sort now 30 years later

Siblings fighting is very normal - it is not the same as adult relationships and should not be judged as the same.

lucykate · 25/05/2009 17:11

me and one of my brothers used to fight like cat and dog, we'd put our shoes on so we could kick harder. it's quite normal for siblings close in age to bicker a lot and have the odd spat.

kiltycoldbum · 25/05/2009 17:14

my older brothers and sister used to get me by the legs and arms, so i was horizontal and carry me to the oven and threaten to put my head in it and put it on! they even went so far as to put it in, but never switched it on! gits

sobloodystupid · 25/05/2009 17:16

my brother gave me a black eye, when he was eight and I was 14. He is the sweetest guy now and wouldn't hurt a fly...

willowthewispa · 25/05/2009 17:21

All siblings are different I think, and some are more physical than others.

Me and my siblings used to rip chunks out of each other as teens - I'm the oldest and still remember the horror of my brother suddenly getting bigger and stronger than me and really able to give me a beating! None of us are violent adults though and we get on really well now.

Sparkletastic · 25/05/2009 17:24

My brother and I used to thump each other on a regular basis even at that age (usually when fighting over the telly remote - doh!) but neither of us have ever hit anyone else and we are now 37 and 40. Honestly - no big deal but talk it through with him.

gscrym · 25/05/2009 17:25

My brother regularly thumped me. At one point shoved me so hard my back hurt for a week after that. He got grounded and when I felt up to it, I kicked the crap out of him.

My dad also admitted to shooting his sister in the leg with an air rifle. It was a dart, not a pellet and apparently she was annoying him. My dad is very gentle and I can't remember if I ever got a smacked bum off him growing up.

cheekysealion · 25/05/2009 17:26

my brother hit me with a banana skin once when we were teans> it was a lot mor painful than it sounds believe me... and made my skin swell up... he is now a very loving brother to me and partner to his girlfriend, and a lovely brillant dad

eandh · 25/05/2009 17:29

yep def a sibling thing I think my brother and I fought every day for about 5 years (me 10 him 12 till I was 15 he was 17 and then he became very protective big brother and I had huge crushes on his friends )

We have got on really well since and were so close(unfortunaltey his current gf seems to have decided that me and my parents are too close to him so sadly I dont see/speak to him as much as I used too )

fucksticks · 25/05/2009 17:29

My brother kicked me in the face so hard I fell off the bed when we were teens!
He's perfectly respectable now!

PistachioLemon · 25/05/2009 17:30

thrown, it really does sound like you don't need to worry about this. My siblings and I used to beat the hell out of each other but we're very close and none of us would do anything like that now to each other OR anyone else.

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