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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's a nutter, isn't he???

55 replies

onlygotonelife · 24/05/2009 22:10

Quick summary.
Ex has had drug addiction issues.
I think he is financially & emotionally abusive.
He has run up huge debts in my name by bullying, lying, stealing etc.
He thinks he is entitled to anything he wants. If I don't give into him he throws tantrums / threatens:

Currently I have debts of £36k approx, can't pay bills, in arrears on mortgage, my only income is £500 tax credits/child benefit a month, IS claim taking forever.

His money all goes on drug debts. Refused to help him further. His family helped him, also they paid £500 into my account.

He gave me £60 then started saying he needed money to pay friend - so gave it back to him to cover his debt/ night out, fags etc til he had more money.

Today he expects me to buy him cigarettes as he apparently gave his friend most of the money to help him out.

I said no - he doesn't accept no.
In the last few weeks, his threats (when I aid no to anything from £1000 for drug debt, to £2.50 for cigarettes, to £5 for takeaway, £10 for a friend) included - if you don't give it i will kill myself, I will run away, I will break your things, I will treat you like the arse you are, I will "show you". I will spend more money.Drug dealers will come to your house & could hurt you. I would like to kick your head in.

He came back here as chucked out of uncle's house. Refused to leave.

Tonight he climbed through a window when i was at a friend;s - as soon as I got back, he asked for the money again. I said i'd call the police - he went - then returned, let him use phone to call friend, he has bus pass. He would only try 1 friend.

Has since gone / come back several times, calls me down, then says "i just want £2.50", laughs. Bangs on door, has thrown stones at window. Says he'll be back.

It all seems crazy over £2.50, though of course it's over lots more than that in reality, and fact if I don't obey he threatens me.

He's mad, right????

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 24/05/2009 22:12

Are you serious?

He's mad, right?????

You seem remarkably blase.

lisad123 · 24/05/2009 22:13

yes, next time he comes back caqll the police.

Paolosgirl · 24/05/2009 22:13

He's beyond mad

I take it you have called the police and are seeing a lawyer?

MaDuggar · 24/05/2009 22:14

erm, why havent you phoned the police? he broke into your house & is harassing you!

Portofino · 24/05/2009 22:14

If he comes back I would call the police.

You don't have children with this arsewipe I hope?

themoon66 · 24/05/2009 22:14

do you have children with this man?

hatesponge · 24/05/2009 22:18

Please call the police. It is not good for either of you for this situation to carry on any longer than it already has

Also please don't give him any more money.

GypsyMoth · 24/05/2009 22:24

Please say you don't have DC!!!

Get an injunction, keep calling police, keep him out of your life..

SnowWoman · 24/05/2009 22:24

Onlygotonelife - just phone the police and get him lifted.

Breaking and entering, breach of the peace, threatening behaviour, verbal abuse, threats to you and your children, anything really. See a good lawyer and get an injunction - he is an addict, you can't change him and he should not be allowed to do this to you - please don't let him. And yes, I know there's lots more to this, but you have got to get it stopped, and this would be a good time to start since he's actually broken into your house this time.

Please take care of yourself and the DCs

mrsboogie · 24/05/2009 22:26

No,I'm sorry love but YOU are the nutter for putting up with this.

Call the police.
Take out an injuction.
never speak to him, give him money or entertain a thought about him ever again.

OptimistS · 24/05/2009 22:39

Yes he's a nutter. Even if you have children with this man, the ONLY sane thing to do in this situation is to take out an injunction against him and refuse to have any contact (in person, via telephone/email, whatever) with him AT ALL. If he so much as looks in your direction, call the police. I recognise this type. As long as you respond to his behaviour, he will continue to behave like this. Arguing back or 'standing up to him' will only escalate things. The only thing that puts out a fire is water - i.e. cease all communication with him for good. NOW. Even if he is the father of your child(ren). He has to prove himself a stable, worthy parent in order to have contact.

I come from a background with an abusive relationship. Abusive men are bullies and some will back down when the victim stands up to them. Fortunately, that's happened in my case (eventually). Many more don't back down, and if your ex is behaving like this now and he has drug addiction problems, then IMO he falls into the category of those who wont. He will continue to blight your life for as long as you let him. Don't let him.

Hope that doesn't sound preachy and harsh. I don't mean to give you a hard time, but I imagine he has got you thinking along the lines of "Has he got a point? Should I give him x, y, z if I really was a decent person, etc., etc." I just hope our replies can make you see him as he really is. Good luck.

onlygotonelife · 24/05/2009 22:45

Police have been, but he'd gone - they said they'd look for him. Now he's back banging on the door - I can imagine himdoing this all through the night. Ages ago i wouldn't let him in, he rang the doorbell for 3hours continuously (police failed to come that time)

Have been in touch with WA over the last few weeks- spoke to solicitor about injunction - can't afford it at the moment - even DIY version costs about £160 apparently

Now he's back, calling to ask if I'mall right, saying I sound injured,that he's coming in. Throwing stones at window again. Truly barking mad. Just cos hasn't got his way. Isn't even over drugs, just because not got his way.

Yes, do have dc

OP posts:
zookeeper · 24/05/2009 22:49

Hi only, you should start to make a written note of his behaviour and then go to the police and/or a famly solicitor - as your income is so low you will qualify for some free legal advice. You shouldn't be putting up with this.

Have you got advice on your debts? It must be an enormous strain. There is loads of help out there - try a Citizen's Advice Bureau to start with.

Good luck

zookeeper · 24/05/2009 22:50

Sorry - cross posted - try another solicitor as I'm not sure you've been given the right advice!

FairLadyRantALot · 24/05/2009 22:53

he is mad, and for whatever reason, you seem to be fine, which is disturbing, turf him out, he is a manipulationg arse...if he kills himself, it will have nothing to do with you, but just that he had enough, so, don't let him guilt triip you....

if you can't get rid of him, call police and try to gert him out that way

EightiesChick · 24/05/2009 23:00

He's back again? Call the police again and tell them you fear for your safety and they HAVE to come out. If he's likely to do this all night, you need to get them to come out and wait until they can get him and put a stop to it.

And agree with all the posts above.

Paolosgirl · 24/05/2009 23:00

You will get legal aid, so you need to go back to a solicitor.

If he's back banging on the door phone 999 now. You need to get him away from you and your children immediately.

onlygotonelife · 24/05/2009 23:18

Financial side of things complicated by fact that I have nd property in my name,although in negative equity,and not making me any money - but that's why benefits taking ages, and until sorted, harder for me to access free legal service it seems. WA suggested refuge - but unless get IS, apparently would have to pay rent....
Need to talk to debt people but again, held back by thinking how can I make any kind of payment agreements with anyone if I don't know what my income is?

I've called the police again to report his harrassment. He's just tormenting me.

Optimist - yes, you're soright, and I do find myself doubting myself, and thinking - yes it's just £2.50, am I being unreasonable?

FBG - no, I'm not blase. I've put up woth a load of from him for too long. But right now I feel tense and anxious

He's just come back again - someone has given him a cigarette so he feels calmer. I should let him in as he has nowhere else to go apparently.

Then when still said no, started sounding threatening.

Then police turned up again - he claims has been trying to get his clothes etc since 6pm (right! when he climbed in the house and lay down to watch a film!) - wouldn't let me get things as doesn't want my stinking handson them apparently. And claims he has things he can report me about!!!!!!!

OP posts:
onlygotonelife · 24/05/2009 23:23

fairlady -what do you mean that I seem fine, and that's disturbing?
I'm very far from fine. He's made my life a misery, I'm often in tears and feel like life couldn't get any worse. Luckily elder dd is away tonight at her gran's (his mum) and baby sleeping through it all.

OP posts:
FairLadyRantALot · 24/05/2009 23:39

well, if you knew he i mad, why fecking ask before acting? He is completely weird, you should be on the way out of the relationship, by what you told us, you should be aware of his madness, not even asking yourself...
honest, i HOPE YOU ARE OUT OF HTERE...
because otehrwise you won't have much left...I fell for a bastard once upon a time, I was blinkered, and well, yes plenty of debts because of him and well, certainly no happiness for me, thereofre not a relationship anyway, because that should be meaning that you get some happiness out of it!

Your post just seemed like a 3rd person account, very detached which was worrying...

onlygotonelife · 24/05/2009 23:56

Well, I have come to realise he's abusive, rather than just an addict, but wouldn't have really said he was mad. But tonight - I mean it seems a massive over reaction, but I've never smoked, so maybe I just don't understand how upset he was. It was the coming back, and taunting me etc that made me think he truly seems loopy.

I do feel kind of numb. I don't know. Totally exhausted by it all.

He's probably gone off to do drugs now,and that will be my fault too, as he has been clean for a week.

He messes with my head so much, everything turned round so I'm always at fault. Till I feel like the crazy one, doubting myself,if that makes any sense whatsoever

OP posts:
Ready4anotherdecaffCoffee · 25/05/2009 00:28

sweetie (((hugs)))

He is a nutter, and we both know this. Well done for not giving in, and telling him to feck off.

What did the police do with him?

Even in a refuge you'd qualify for Hb, although you're back to getting it sorted.

Have you managed to talk to anyone about the debts?

You are not crazy, are you ok now?

Mumofagun · 25/05/2009 00:45

Even at this time of night, is there anywhere you can pick up baby and go? Please don't stay there on your own, who can you call? at him.

Mumofagun · 25/05/2009 00:46

By the way, it's all in your username you know? Get away from him for good!!

GreenGables · 25/05/2009 00:59

You are not crazy. I remember that numb detached feeling, it came when I really couldn't take any more. I also remember feeling that I was going mad. In fact is your Ex called Mik? It all sounds so very familiar to me!

I would suggest using the refuge route as still 10 years on I am in the same house and he knows where I live, all the access points etc etc It still scares me (less frequently now, but tonight is one of those nights that I can't settle out of anxiety). I stayed in the house and stood my ground (stopped answering the door/phone/called the police EVERY time he came 'knocking' at the door) because I couldn't face moving at the time, I decided to put it off for a few weeks/months, 10 years on and I still can't afford the moving costs (like you I have insurmountable debts to pay off thanks to ExP). But then you have to consider how you would cope living in a refuge, as I understand it they are all rather chaotic and you have to share a house with other families... (I may be wrong - it is very likely that refuges have been modernised now)

You have my sympathy and a great many hugs xx