He's a nutter, isn't he???

[onlygotonelife]

Quick summary.
Ex has had drug addiction issues.
I think he is financially & emotionally abusive.
He has run up huge debts in my name by bullying, lying, stealing etc.
He thinks he is entitled to anything he wants. If I don't give into him he throws tantrums / threatens:

Currently I have debts of £36k approx, can't pay bills, in arrears on mortgage, my only income is £500 tax credits/child benefit a month, IS claim taking forever.

His money all goes on drug debts. Refused to help him further. His family helped him, also they paid £500 into my account.

He gave me £60 then started saying he needed money to pay friend - so gave it back to him to cover his debt/ night out, fags etc til he had more money.

Today he expects me to buy him cigarettes as he apparently gave his friend most of the money to help him out.

I said no - he doesn't accept no.
In the last few weeks, his threats (when I aid no to anything from £1000 for drug debt, to £2.50 for cigarettes, to £5 for takeaway, £10 for a friend) included - if you don't give it i will kill myself, I will run away, I will break your things, I will treat you like the arse you are, I will "show you". I will spend more money.Drug dealers will come to your house & could hurt you. I would like to kick your head in.

He came back here as chucked out of uncle's house. Refused to leave.

Tonight he climbed through a window when i was at a friend;s - as soon as I got back, he asked for the money again. I said i'd call the police - he went - then returned, let him use phone to call friend, he has bus pass. He would only try 1 friend.

Has since gone / come back several times, calls me down, then says "i just want £2.50", laughs. Bangs on door, has thrown stones at window. Says he'll be back.

It all seems crazy over £2.50, though of course it's over lots more than that in reality, and fact if I don't obey he threatens me.

He's mad, right????

I understand your sentiments entirely about keeping her out of the way, however, she's already learning on the basis of what she sees day to day. I didn't mean wait until she's around, but instead don't put up with his shit just because she's around.

i only say this because of my experiance, however I know everyone's is different. When my dh kicked off drunk in fromt of the kids my first thought was to get them out. we first ended up at maccyD's, then volounterialy in the police station opposite making a statement, and my ds especially found this very comforting, if daddy drinks too much beer the policeman will come and put him on the naughty step.

Your dd1's quite young, isn't she? iirc, she's a bit too young to understand rationally, however one day she will be. you know her best, but I'm sure she's heard a lot more than you realise, they do

"if daddy drinks too much beer the policeman will come and put him on the naughty step."

LOL! Good way of explaining it to little ones.
In some ways perhaps it's best the upheaval happens when they're little, because then you can explain it in those simple terms, and save the long explanations for later when they're older and you're in a much more tranquil place emotionally?

Gosh Onelife, it's all moving so fast I'm having trouble keeping up! Be proud of yourself for how far you've come. You're pushing him out, drawing boundaries. You're telling everyone, which is hard, but your getting much needed and deserved support. He's resisting, but you called the cops, well done! I'm so pleased you've told friends and family, I was worried for you coping all on your own (apart from MN, obviously).

If you feel a refuge is the only way you'll get peace, then go. You're dealing with so much already, I really feel for you. Financial meltdown is hard enough with abusive addict bullshit too.

Don't listen to his blame the victim bullshit. He's exploiting your good nature. It's clear you're a sympathetic person, and he knows if he puts on the poor me show he'll get concessions from you because you feel guilty, despite all the abuse he put you through. All the bad stuff that is happening to him is all his own making. It's not your responsibility. Not after what he's done to you and put you through. You are the victim, he's the abuser. Don't let him try and turn it around.

I think speaking to WA is a great idea, Onelife. Also think getting financial advice is a great idea too.

Day's have gone past now since the weekend. Have you managed to get anything done? I'm sure you'll get more support on here and it would be nice to know that you are feeling in a better place.

Plan of action:

1. Contact local police and make an appointment with Domestic Violence Officer. Sometimes I think they go under a different name - Community safety Officer sounds about right like you said. Make a formal allegation and do not be afraid of doing so. It's only what he deserves and what the law is there to protect you from. Make a formal statement and don't go back on it please!!

2. Are you in private or public housing? CSA. Housing Association / Local Authority depending. What are your options? I wouldn't rule out a shelter for the short to medium terms.

3. Short term, depending on your circumstances, who do you know who would have you for a "mini break", particularly in a nice part of the country for a bit of a holiday? You need a break. One weekend away might make you see things a whole lot clearer.

4. Failing all of the above, please just take the time for a nice bath, relax, deep breaths and KNOW that the rest of your life won't be like this cos you're not going to let it. I know you'll probably cry, but let it all out. It honestly will work out and that's from someone who has been through the mill for years, (I'm seeing lots of light at the end of that tunnel!)Big big hugs!!

Thanks for your thought Mumofagun, it's good to hear things getting better for you.

I got a call from the police about the situation, asking if it was resolved, and how the door was,but he was around at the time, so they'll call back.

Have seen Women's Aid outreach worker again, still no decision on benefits (9+ weeks on) also have appointment with a housing advisor at the centre next week.

I have a mortgage on the house, though moving closer to the point when the mortgage company would start thinking of reposession.

He's sleeping on buses at the moment, turns up here for showers & tochange clothes & seekids. Always ends up with him wanting more (to have a key to come in when I'm out, to stay while I goout - cos that should be OK if I'm not around to affect, or have a nap, or tonight wanted to stay over) & when I stand firm, he starts on about how unreasonable I am.Earlier he apologised 1 minute for his behaviour, then was going on about how baffling my behaviour is & how ridiculous I am to his mum. Apparently the only reason I wish to split up,and not work through things, is because I'm the product of divorced parents - her just does not accept my right to have had enough of his behaviour.

He is just so frustrating.

On plus side, 1 of my sisters paid for us to go and spend the day with her & my niece (who dd1 loves) which was a lovely day out as they're at the seaside. She also bought me some shopping like nappies & toilet rolls plus biscuits & chocolate. A friend has done a big shop for me & my eldest sister rang after my other sister told her what has been going on, and plans to come down to visit, take us out & talk about things. SoI'm feeling more supported.

On the other hand, I did talk to 1 friend who left me feeling quite upset. |She told me how she knew people who had much worse times than me (such as someone who got a black eye from their partner) & in fact I had the most minor problems in comparison to anyone else with relationship probs. She said that a house needing work and a new baby is bound to cause problems. She even said i am giving mixed messages by saying it's over but giving in to him about money. Essentially she seemed to be saying we're both at fault & need to work out how to compromise & work things out. I'm so glad she wasn't the first person I confided in. It's hard enough to not get talked into believing I'm the problem as it is

You need taking in hand onlygotonelife but I'm sorry!

But...

Fantastic day out for you and I'm glad you have got some fun back into your life. It sounded brilliant for you and obviously DD1 had a fantastic day and you got the support you needed BUT..IMO what is the point when you are still letting him into your house! The police obviously won't do anything because you are more or less supporting him.

I know it's hard when you feel he's the father to your children, but at the same time your not his bloody mother! He's a grown man with problems impacting on you and your DC's. If he at least can't see what he's doing to you all, you have. You've posted on here so I know you know it's not right. You come first along with the DC's. Why oh why are you so drawn to doing as he says? Do you feel pity? Is it the fear of him? I can't see that as he is so weak and pathetic he could almost be arrested on any day of the week depending on what he's done to you. Your friend's right to an extent. I appreciate your intentions but you are giving him mixed messages and therefore he will try to expoit those. He's not daft just looking for a free meal ticket and the easy option. I want to give you a big hug but I can't.