He's a nutter, isn't he???

[onlygotonelife]

Quick summary.
Ex has had drug addiction issues.
I think he is financially & emotionally abusive.
He has run up huge debts in my name by bullying, lying, stealing etc.
He thinks he is entitled to anything he wants. If I don't give into him he throws tantrums / threatens:

Currently I have debts of £36k approx, can't pay bills, in arrears on mortgage, my only income is £500 tax credits/child benefit a month, IS claim taking forever.

His money all goes on drug debts. Refused to help him further. His family helped him, also they paid £500 into my account.

He gave me £60 then started saying he needed money to pay friend - so gave it back to him to cover his debt/ night out, fags etc til he had more money.

Today he expects me to buy him cigarettes as he apparently gave his friend most of the money to help him out.

I said no - he doesn't accept no.
In the last few weeks, his threats (when I aid no to anything from £1000 for drug debt, to £2.50 for cigarettes, to £5 for takeaway, £10 for a friend) included - if you don't give it i will kill myself, I will run away, I will break your things, I will treat you like the arse you are, I will "show you". I will spend more money.Drug dealers will come to your house & could hurt you. I would like to kick your head in.

He came back here as chucked out of uncle's house. Refused to leave.

Tonight he climbed through a window when i was at a friend;s - as soon as I got back, he asked for the money again. I said i'd call the police - he went - then returned, let him use phone to call friend, he has bus pass. He would only try 1 friend.

Has since gone / come back several times, calls me down, then says "i just want £2.50", laughs. Bangs on door, has thrown stones at window. Says he'll be back.

It all seems crazy over £2.50, though of course it's over lots more than that in reality, and fact if I don't obey he threatens me.

He's mad, right????

Also you need to check on your older daughter - he (if like my ex) will try to use her to get a reaction from you - and her nan being his mum is she is far more likely to give in to him and allow him or he will turn his aggression on to his mum - either way they are in danger. Speak to the police let them know that you fear for your daughter and I echo the call to leave for the night.

Greengables is right it can be horrible in a refuge depending where you are in the country , but, where my friend was, it was like a 3 bedroomed flat, without the kitchen and bathroom which were obviously shared. Whatever you do you need to at least make some enquiries, weigh up your options.

onlygotonelife, I have read all your posts on the EA thread so I am understanding that you are not at all "fine" just used to it!

This type of behaviour has become normalised to you. When I started reading your op even I just thought "oh its OGOL's idiot husband again"

I am in the middle of something similar with my ex myself (though not nearly so bad), he gambles and drinks all his wages away and then comes round asking me for money to get to work. If he has no money, he can't get to work, if he can't get to work, he can't earn money and I won't get child support so of course I am utterly trapped, trapped, trapped in having to lend him money. Nowhere near as bad as yours, although I do get my share of being called abusive names.

Tbh if I were you in your circumstances would get out into a shelter. Nothing could be worse than what you are going through now. In the end they will help to re-house you and it will be a whole, new fresh start for you. Thinking about you. I don't do hugs but am patting you on the back .

Onelife, you know he's a nutter, and I'll repeat to you what I said in the emotional abuse thread- you need to start anticipating his manipulations. The minute you let him in the house, he starts to manipulate and bully you. You know it.

Do not let him in the house. Ever. If he breaks in, don't just threaten to call the cops, actually call them. Get an injunction. Draw some boundaries. Speak to the domestic violence officer at the police station and ask for help with his bullying. He will keep exploiting you until you a) stop being financially involved with him b) clearly demonstrate with your actions that you will not take his shit anymore.

I think you need to tell your friends and family about the abuse and exploitation he is putting you through. You need them to give you reality checks and be available to come over and back you up when he wont leave. I know that breaking the silence is hard, but once you do your struggle with him will become a LOT easier.

Oh, Onelife, I only just read the OP, WELL DONE for standing up to him and calling the cops! You did great!

I still think you need to talk to relatives and friends about this though, bring in some support.

Sorry to hear about the injunction costing so much, aren't you eligible for legal aid?

I might be completely wrong here, but hopefully by chucking this suggestion in the ring, someone will come along who knows the answer. Am I right in thinking that where there is a valid (i.e. documented) issue of personal safety, you automatically qualify for legal aid? If so, OGOL, this is why you need to report your ex each and every time he harasses you.

Thank you everyone for your support, and pats

he came back a few times in the night but left quickly, then again at 6ish -called police, he went. then at 10.30 he was back, hammering at door & shouting, trying to get in through the window.

Police came, but just missed him. He has damaged the front door.

He called me later & told me he'd go get dd1 from his mum's, that I am obviously unstable & not fit to have her.

Rang his mum to tell her situation. She was fine, but then he turned up & talked her round. They want to go out so have let him bring her back here - it was that or they would drive her with no car seat. I minute she's saying she's sorry for what i've put up with, the next believing him & then sorry she's had dd this weekend & been dragged into this.

Am meeting them in town. He has no money so assume can't make off with her. Talking to me in front of his family (by phone) suddenly all "honey, it's about the kids" & telling me I am being spiteful, and have anger issues etc. Sounds so reasonable & pleasant & know why everyone believes him cos just turns on the charm.

dizietsma I have been telling everyone - 3 friends, my sisters, now his mum, i think he it's important for me to tell so i can move on.He is blaming my behaviour (ie saying no) on the Lundy book.

springfleurs - that blackmail over money, being trapped - understand totally.

Personally I would go and get him enough drugs to overdoes on and be done with him, however I think you need to get the police involved. Get an injunction and get it quick

It's not fair on you. Be cruel to be kind. Cut him off and get the police to take it from hear. Don't communicate with him at all. He has mental problems (drugs dont help). I knew someone like this and the only way forwar is to completely ignore him. The police will deal with it from here.

Have you reported a case of harrassment? I know the cops have been coming and going but you need to be firm if they haven't explained it to you properly. Because of his behaviour, and even if you haven't they have a log of the number of times over the weekend etc and in the past that you have called them. What they need to do is file an official allegation of 1st case harrassment. This means that they have to officially warn him to leave you alone, stay away, do not call etc. BUT because of DC you MUST find another way of communicating ie through a relative or a solicitor etc when it is to do with DC. The MINUTE after the warning (which can be a phone call by an officer or an official letter), that he pesters you again he is in play to be arrested for harassment. Please please do what others have suggested and speak to a local police Domestic Violence officer. My XDP carried on for years until he was arrested under this legislation. Please don't feel afraid to give a statement either. I had only good experiences with the officers dealing with me. XDP was so scared of it ruining things for him after that (work, family court) he stopped.

If he comes back call the police. Sounds like a fruit cake to me, and dangerous. Please be careful.

Can you let us know you're alright if you can? Hope you are ok. Please get the police on board and go to Citizens Advice urgently. Take care.

The police would have arrested him I think after they saw the door if they had managed tofind him - turns out they'd seen him on their way to the house,but he'd disappeared - they talked about how they are supposed to take positive action on this sort of thing, and as they'd been called out 3 times in 24hours they could proceed themselves. But tbh I'm not actually sure if they do plan to do anything - they said they'd arrest him if he came back & I called them again.

He is now sleeping rough,turning up here wanting to change his clothes for work. Because dd1 not here Sunday night was easier to call police, but have not wanted to have big incident with her here.

He's so manipulative & twisty, making out like I am selfish, not putting kids 1st, jeopardising his job by not letting him stay, being abusive & spiteful towards him. Seriously considering refuge as escape route - it feels like I am not allowed any say in my life! The man says I am unreasonable & selfish because I said I'd get the police to remove him if he slept on my doorstep which was his serious suggestion! All he keeps on about is how somepeople live together even when split up,for financial reasons or the kids, and that is the grown up thing to do, and he is of course sorry for anything he's done toupset me, but all changed now & only I ambehaving incorrectly. I end up almost believing his take on things in the end

Anyway, seeing WA in morning so hope that'll help

*dittany I read that handing back the keys is the worst thing to do, because you're still responsible for the costs til it's sold, and any loss etc. Also I think it costs money to file for bankruptcy!

He is always using the financial situation to blackmail me - ie I must do whatever he thinks is best (let him stay / pay his debts so he can carry on working etc) so that he can earn the money to deal with the debt.

So, I told the bank I had financial problems, they sounded sympathetic, recommended Consumer Credit Counselling Service which is a charity than help in debt situations, writing to creditors, working out what you can afford to repay etc. The man at the bank said sometimes they have to write off debt if can't afford to repay. Can't actually see anyone for over 1 month as they're so busy but I do have a reference number to give to anyone I can't pay so they know they're involved - feel so much better knowing I'm doing something to take control of the situation instead of letting it happen to me.

My friends and family are rallying around now I've said what's been going on, and buying me some shopping. Their kindness has made me cry because I think I've lacked much true kindness for a long time. For so long everything has been about what's best for him it is a bit overwhelming to have people actually care about me

onlygotonelife, I really feel for you as I know how infuriating and crazy-making it can be to have to deal with people like this. Try not to engage in any kind of conversation with him, though - all it will do is waste your time and upset you. If he turns up again then all you need to do is tell him to leave and call the police. Don't even bother debating anything else or trying to get him to see reason, as he simply won't.

Well done on seeing WA - they'll be able to offer loads of good advice.

As far as I am aware re Domestic Violence, the police are talking about positive action i.e doing it themselves, if they don't have the support of you, the victim. You can make a formal report of criminal damage then he would be arrested. You need to know whether you would get the support you needed from your local police if you had him arrested, ie harassment, criminal damage, any assualt allegation you wanted to make, The police I'm sure know what's going on and I think they do have the power to arrest him and charge him anyway for an offence they has evidence for without your evidence. But they will be struggling girl! Why do you not get hold of them and at the very least, if you don't at this stage want to make a statement against him, just let them give him a warning under the Harrassment Act. I'm crap at links so I can't direct you to it. Please google it. I know crap all apart from I was a victim like you and fought myself out of a corner. Get him arrested. Let them impose bail conditions etc. If he breaches those let them put him before the courts. You don't deserve this!!!

onlygotonelife: it costs £510 to go bankrupt. You may be able to get £150 knocked off if you are on benefits/low income. There are also charitable trust funds that can sometimes help, e.g. run by gas/electric/water companies. It is true that handing the keys back is a last resort, and you remain liable for costs until sale and shortfall afterwards, but if you did decide on bankruptcy that would write off all those debts, too. As well as talking to CCCS, you can get useful info on bankruptcy from National Debtline - www.nationaldebtline.co.uk, helpline details on website.

Take care, hope you are ok.

If you decide upon any advice, wherever it might come from and leave your adress, under no circumstances tell XDP where you are going. Leave this for a letter to him wherever, his parents etc, a friend, who can then if necessary act as a mail address for correspondence as to any form of arrangement s about any form of contact with DC. Altenatively you can keep communication open via text about the children. )Unless he abuses this then keep the messages as evidence of FURTHER harassment)

OGOL, so pleased to see you've spoken to CCCS, well done you, and for telling people in RL.

I'm with mumofagun wrt his behaviour though. he's made this bed, and he's oonly kicking off like this because he can see the end of his gravey train. Work with the police. after all, if your dd see's him arrested, so what? she's no doubt see some of his crap behaviour or the aftermath, and so by seeing you kick his arse and deal with this harassment you will be sending her a powerful message that you are all worth better, and to not fall into the same trap. I'm not being very clear, but showe her the cycle can be broken.

Keep safe x

NO Readyforanothercoffee!! I'm totally with your sentiment but I don't advise anything like police action being instigated in front of the children when it's avoidable! When things are kicking off and there's no other option but to get the police involved, then there is no other option if the kids can't be gotten out of the way and I would hope a police officer would be professional enough to get them out of the way and to minimise any damage but this should be avoided at all costs, not least becsuse it leaves the mother open to the, "you exposed your child / children to the police being called on their dad" type questions. (Not always the case though IME). Yes she needs to call the police if she is in fear or danger, but, we know that and I encourage that. What I would encourage the OP to do is to make a formal allegation. Everything would be done by appointment and DC's wouldn't be exposed to too much overt police presence. ie plain clothes police.)

snorbs - you are so right, but it's so hard to stop the urge to reason with him

ready -I know, she has seen arguments etc, and there was even an occasion when she saw him push me over in the night in the room I share with kids (he told her we were just playing or something when she asked about it later) Sometimes she tells him to go out the room, or go away,but other times she says she misses him, or wants him to stay - I think it is better for him not to be around as so wrong to witness tjis as a basis for learning about relationships etc (he too believes this but thinks I should just put up & shut up with what he doles out so is all peace & harmony)

salme - thanks for the info. I would prefer not to go bankrupt if possible, but I know it's a possible solution. It'sd hard to think that if I'd left a year ago as so wanted, I'd have been about £80k in credit instead of £40k in debt

mumofagun - sounds good advice. The idea of a fresh start is so appealing, to be free of his manipulation and control - even now listening to him I find myself weakening sometimes, so know need to cut him off. But how do you explain to a child who may hate the atmosphere & arguments but love her dad (she's too young to know how much he lets her down already,and how little he's been responsible towards them & their security), she only knows that when he chooses to he can be a fun daddy

mumofagun - xposted. I don't want to add to her anxiety by having some scene / police arriving etc if possible. At the moment he's just coming to the door, just coming to change clothes, just spending time with kids before work - I don't want him to do that - just think he can turn up at 6.30am etc, but dd1 isn't going to understand why that's not OK - she's just pleased to see him.

I think there is a community safety officer or something... it's pathetic I know but I just struggle to shake off the feeling that the consequences of police reports etc are my responsibility instead of (as I logically know) it is him who is responsible. He even says I instigated & escalated the problems at the weekend by calling the police "unnecessarily*, rather than it being him continually returning to bash on the door (but he was cold) - he still can't eplain why he didn't try this tactic with anyone else who didn't have him to stay though

OGOL, it's ok - I think that everyone who has been in your position knows how hard it is to not try to reason with someone like that. I know I found it very hard not to do so with my alcoholic ex (who was more into late-night phone calls rather than turning up on my doorstep).

I stuck some post-its near the phone saying "is there anything you could be doing that's more fun than this?" and "you are allowed to put the phone down". They really helped to remind me that I was having those endless, pointless arguments through choice. And I could choose not to. There's always something more fun to do than trying to reason with someone who is too self-centred to listen to reason.