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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wedding is 4 months away - he says he wants to cancel it

62 replies

Icantbelieveit · 24/05/2009 00:03

I've been with him for over 10 years and we have 3 children together. We finally decided to get married earlier this year (around january time) and it's all booked. Yesterday he said he doesn't want to marry me and that I should cancel it - to which I replied that if he doesn't want to get married he should bloody well have the guts to cancel it himself and not expect me to do it!

Basically I've told him he has two options to either cancel it or stand me up on the day because I am not cancelling it - we've paid out alot of money already, my family and friends have paid a lot of money to come to the wedding and I will not be the one to do it.

He has been creating arguments lately, I think, in the hope that it will kick off an almighty row that will give him the easy out he is looking for.
His reason when I asked him what the .... he was playing at, was to tell me that he can't stand me, I'm a horrible person ect. But in the middle of this rant about how awful I am he said he feels so trapped. So I think as it gets nearer he's feeling very trapped and as if it's the end of his life.

But what am i supposed to do, he won't talk to me at all. He won't talk about it at all either.
I simply cannot cancel it, what on earth would I tell my kids - they are so excited about the whole thing.

Also I asked him what exactly he thought would happen after he cancelled the wedding (assuming he's actually going to do it), adn I think he expects us to carry on living in the same house together!
Just don't know what to do or think. I know you'll tell me to talk to him, but what do you do if someone refuses to do that.

He's just got in after being out all day (I've been with the dc's) and he's gone straight upstairs adn not said one word to me.

OP posts:
tigana · 24/05/2009 00:07

so he's in bed?
Go up. Talk about it now.
DH isn't great at "talking baout it" but I find once he is bed, he won't get out untilmorning, so it's a good time to nab him.

So sorry to hear this by the way and hope you can get things resolved

themoon66 · 24/05/2009 00:08

Bloody hell. Poor you. What a shite

What has changed since January? Did he suggest the marriage?

Bloody men!

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 24/05/2009 00:08

I think you need to sit down and talk to him about this. If he's nervous/worried then you need to find all this out. Marriage does freak some people out, it's not the committment, it's getting up in front of people. You really do need to talk to him though.

Yurtgirl · 24/05/2009 00:09

Oh dear

I understand the reasons why you dont want to cancel.
But dont dont dont marry him if he doesnt want to be married to you.........
You will both regret it and be miserable
If he feels trapped now, he isnt likely to feel any less trapped afterwards is he

I would force him to cancel tbh

HTH

themoon66 · 24/05/2009 00:10

He has 3 children with you already. That is committment.

Marriage is only a bit of paper compared to your three DC.

Icantbelieveit · 24/05/2009 00:13

There's no point in talking to him even when he's in bed I tried it last night I got nothing, except he called me a few choice words.

He did suggest the marriage but he knew that it was a bug bear of mine for years that we weren't married but I sort of accepted it until around christmas when I'd had enough (of loads of things) adn I was leaving and I did say to him that it wouldn't matter what we tried to sort out it would never work because he didn't want to get married adn I couldn't stay with someone who woudn't marry me.
But he was all into at the time but as time has gone on he doesn't even like me to talk about.

I do now feel that I pushed him into it but I wasn't angling for a proposal at the time, but good god, could he not have thought about this before.

Just don't know what to do - don't even want to marrythe arsehole, but it's gone too far now.

OP posts:
MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 24/05/2009 00:13

What a horrible situation for you and your children.

I know it's what you expect me to say, but I really do think you need to get him to talk to you. Not least, you need to know why (it seems) he objects to getting married but intends to stay with you.

BitOfFun · 24/05/2009 00:14

You need to walk NOW. Don't let him humiliate you- he has tried to tell you, so listen to him! That's it- no living together, it's over.

unavailable · 24/05/2009 00:14

Has he been drinking?
If so, dont try and talk to him tonight.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 24/05/2009 00:15

If neither of you wish to go through with this then now's the time to put a stop to it. Then go from there.

themoon66 · 24/05/2009 00:16

Where has he been all day whilst you have been taking care of his childen?

Icantbelieveit · 24/05/2009 00:16

I know that the dc's are the ultimate committment, but I always wanted to be with someone who was committed to me not only the children iyswim.

But what will I do if I leave without being married? I have no family here, no money (I got pregnant very soon after I graduated uni and have been a SAHM ever since), the house is in his name only. It's such a mess.

OP posts:
MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 24/05/2009 00:17

I'm a slow typist and posted before I saw your second post. If you don't want to marry him, then it really is time to re-evaluate.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 24/05/2009 00:17

Have you paid anything towards the mortgage?

Icantbelieveit · 24/05/2009 00:20

No he hasn't been drinking, he was working during the day and don't know where he's been til now, not that I'm that bothered anyway we had a lovely time with snacks in front of britain's got talent.

I really think it's the marriage thing because i don't think he wants to leave me, but actually he says he now can't stand me and that I'm all sorts of things (don't know what he thinks he is, Mr wonderful?)

OP posts:
themoon66 · 24/05/2009 00:21

You cannot marry a man who says he cannot stand you

Icantbelieveit · 24/05/2009 00:25

No I've not paid towards the mortgage, I've been at home with the children, but that was never a problem for him - we were happy like that although I was very worried because I actually have nothing and knew that should we split I would walk away with nothing. I know there are things that can be done because of the children but nothing concrete at all.

I don't know if it's because if we marry I will be entitled to to it all even though he's always said he thinks of it as half mine anyway adn would never shaft me if we split because of the kids - but it's very well to say that when it doesn't have to happen.
He's probably worried that he'll be out on the street after he's worked so hard to get all of this.

OP posts:
unavailable · 24/05/2009 00:25

I dont understand why he says he cant stand you but wants to continue your relationship?

Do you have any idea what he thinks about marriage in principle, or what his parents marriage was like?

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 24/05/2009 00:27

Ok. It will put you in a much better position if you make a payment towards the mortgage.

You need out if he feels this way towards you. You don't deserve this.

Icantbelieveit · 24/05/2009 00:29

Thsi is just all so terrible, I've been crying on and off all day.
I know in a perfect world I'd cancel the whole thing and leave - but I have family abroad who have paid a lot of money to come for the wedding.
My immediate family don't live near me and they have paid a lot of money for the flights over here.
My mum and dad gave us the momey for the wedding (it's quite a cheapy one) but I've already paid out well over £1000 already adn we stand to lose more if we cancel.

Then there's the children - the people he says he loves more than life itself, what the hell is going to happen to them in all of this.

OP posts:
Icantbelieveit · 24/05/2009 00:32

I can't contribute to the mortgage, I don't have any money at all.

Actually I don't think he wants to carry on the relationship (well he's not said but he'dto have be seriously deranged if he thought it would carry on), just that he would still carry on living in this house - it's his after all sso he'd not be going anywhere. But I have no where to go at all.

OP posts:
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 24/05/2009 00:32

This isn't your fault though. They will see this. Your family just want what's best for you. This isn't about the children if he wants things to stay as they are. This is about your relationship with him. If he can't treat you the way you deserve then this isn't a good idea.
It really is in your best interest to pay some money towards the mortgage.

unavailable · 24/05/2009 00:35

Wow - he is being so gutless.

Never mind the practicalities of cancelling just now. You need to concentrate what this means for you and the children.

As soon as you can, get some legal advice about your position if you were to seperate.

He is behaving really badly, and I know its little comfort, but better you find out now rather than later.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 24/05/2009 00:36

You need to find a solicitor and see where you stand financially.
What a shit place to find yourself. I really do feel for you but you need to get things together and find out where you need to go from here. Call as soon as you can and get some refunds for the wedding. You'll need this. Have you contributed towards the house at all? Renovations etc? Anything, even a small amount towards the mortgage?

tigana · 24/05/2009 00:36

do you know what, apart from the legal bits, iME marriage doesn't change a thing (especially after 10 sodding years! and after kids...which DO change things).

If you had had enough at christmas....implies this isn't a 'blissfull' relationship which is now rocked by his revelations, but has been bit iffy already.
You can't push a marriage just cos your family are coming over. You can fight for a relationship if it is worth fighting for.