Wedding is 4 months away - he says he wants to cancel it

[Icantbelieveit]

I've been with him for over 10 years and we have 3 children together. We finally decided to get married earlier this year (around january time) and it's all booked. Yesterday he said he doesn't want to marry me and that I should cancel it - to which I replied that if he doesn't want to get married he should bloody well have the guts to cancel it himself and not expect me to do it!

Basically I've told him he has two options to either cancel it or stand me up on the day because I am not cancelling it - we've paid out alot of money already, my family and friends have paid a lot of money to come to the wedding and I will not be the one to do it.

He has been creating arguments lately, I think, in the hope that it will kick off an almighty row that will give him the easy out he is looking for.
His reason when I asked him what the .... he was playing at, was to tell me that he can't stand me, I'm a horrible person ect. But in the middle of this rant about how awful I am he said he feels so trapped. So I think as it gets nearer he's feeling very trapped and as if it's the end of his life.

But what am i supposed to do, he won't talk to me at all. He won't talk about it at all either.
I simply cannot cancel it, what on earth would I tell my kids - they are so excited about the whole thing.

Also I asked him what exactly he thought would happen after he cancelled the wedding (assuming he's actually going to do it), adn I think he expects us to carry on living in the same house together!
Just don't know what to do or think. I know you'll tell me to talk to him, but what do you do if someone refuses to do that.

He's just got in after being out all day (I've been with the dc's) and he's gone straight upstairs adn not said one word to me.

You said earlier that you don't want to marry him now. I can understand that it will be very annoying if you lose the money you've paid out for the wedding, but going ahead with a wedding that neither of you actually wants would be a disaster. I'm guessing that your parents would rather lose their money and cancel their flights than see you married to a man who (he says) dislikes you.

Get legal advice on what your rights are (or seek advice from MNers who've been in a similar situation). Then, once you know where you would stand if you did separate, try to have a calm discussion with your partner.

What it means if i were to cancel it all, is that I either stay in this house with him though not in a relationship obviously. Or walk out. But I have no where to go at all, I would have to find the money for deposits ect for a rented place and also find somewhere that would take housing benefit as I would have to start claiming or find a full time job which isn't easy as youngest child is only just 2.

I kno wi would be in a much better position if I contributed to the mortgage, but it would mean me putting e few pounds towards it just as wedding is cancelled and we are splitting, I don't think it will go in my favour!!

but if you don't cancel..and he does.. or he stands you up on the day.. the same will happen. It's not about whether you cancel is it? Do you both want to marry each other or not? If he doesn't, he won't.
Could CAB help?

The law is an arse. You could say that you had some spare cash from the wedding, in order to take the heat off your partner so you could fix the relationship you paid a mortgage installment. You don't know 100% that a split it inevitable. You've not seen legal advice about this

Have you contacted your family? Have you any friends who can help you?

I know I should be packing my bags rather than being like this. Adn you're right the relationship hasn't always been wonnderful in fact it's been quite awful at times but I thought we had got through it and had come out at the other side.

Adn I don't want to marry him because of what he said! Before he said it all I was quite happy to get married.

I know that all my friends and family will just want what's best but I'd feel so humiliated. 10 years and 3 chidren and look at what's happened to me. I wonder how my life could have turned out like this.

Tbh I'd rather get married and divorce him straight after, but I know that's stupid and not good for dc's at all.

No, I haven't told anyone.
But I am not going to be the one to cancel it all, I told him that I said that he could be as awful as he liked to me but I know what he's doing, he's trying to get me to say right I've had enough I'm cancelling but I won't do it.

If he wants this he needs to have the guts to do what it takes to see it through. Not put it on me.

What's done is done. You can't change this. You do need to be clever about what you are going to do though. Wipe this off your laptop/PC so he can't find it. Get some legal advice as soon as you can. There's nothing to feel humiliated about, this isn't your fault. Does he give you any money towards housekeeping? Does he give the money to you for the mortgage? It may take some time, you'll need to be patient but don't fold yet. Get some legal advice as soon as you can. Has he said anything about your relationship with him? Is is over? You also need to sort out the children.

I have given him money over the years, my mum and dad gave me some and it was used for things in the house like new boiler, doors, floors ect adn I gave him a lump sum once of £2000 but I can't prove the money went on the house.

Should have kept it for myself quite frankly at least i would have something now!

It's odd that he wants you to do everything. It's almost as if he can't do it himself, he can't face it. Could you not suggest Relate and see if they can help??

you'd rather get married and divorced straight after than not get married at all?
what? because of what your relatives and friends will say?

will you please stop being daft now?. Its really not going to help you one bit.

He doesn't want to marry you. YOU pushed him into it and now he's backing out. He isn't obliged to marry you. Why does it matter who cancels it? How in god's name could you walk up the aisle in a wedding dress with all your kids looking on knowing full well that he doesn't want to do it? why do that to yourself? and him? and the kids?

Have some gumption woman and stop this - just tell him to sling his bloody hook.

My ex finished me very close to the wedding. He hadn't worked for all the time we had owned the house (mortgage in joint names, no kids involved, but may give you an idea). He was entitled to half the equity in the house minus joint debts, and, because he called off the wedding, any costs relating to the wedding. The git then accused me of getting him to pay for the honeymoon (er, no I only charged him the cost of transferring the name on the flight). HTH honey, I did see a solicitor and this is what she advised me, I did negociate a way better deal, but that was the basic ruling!

Thanks fluffybunny, he doesn't give me housekeeping I have his debit card and use that for everything I need. The mortgage is direct debit.

I have been looking legal stuff up adn it's depressing reading as we're not married.
Adn the relationship will definitely be over there's no way on earth I will stay with him after this, if he thinks that cancelling the wedding means we can go back as usual he's some sort of a lunatic.

TAlking to him is like talking to a brick wall, if I say anything he replies 'I don't give a shit' and things like that.

Mrs boogie, it's not because of my family and friends it's because of where I will stand financially if we split up after we were married. I know that sounds like I'm a terrible money grabber but i'm not. I worked so hard to put myself through uni so i could have a career but gave it up for the dc's. He's worked his way up in his field and is doing courses to get higher, he earns a very good wage.

I can't tell him to sling his hook as The house is in his name and I cannot tell him to leave it. He on the other can sling me out of it anytime he likes.

I'm just trying to be practical, it's all very well for me to take this stand but what would I do adn where would I go once I shut the door behind me?

Haaa. I would clean the account out with his debit card and change the locks on the house!

You really do need to see a solicitor. Law's are changing all the time so I wouldn't google as it will probably be wrong. Don't get to depressed over it. A solicitor can advise you properly. Then there's the CSA!!

I'm going to have to go to bed. I'll catch up with you in the morning. I know it's hard but night normally makes monsters appear bigger and bader then they normally are. This is something that will work out for you in the end, it will be difficult to see it now but it will work out.

Yes, get some legal advice. Bear in mind that if the children are his he will have to contribute financially towards their upbringing.
But don't bother about marrying him: devote all your energies towards building a new life for yourself. He is being cowardly, selfish and unkind: he doesn't want to marry you or be in a couple-relationship any more but he is trying to make you be the one to finish it so he can hold on to his image of himself as the good guy.

I have thought about that believe me!! But he would get in in about 3 seconds even if I changed the locks, and I'll have to wait til pay day as there's no money in there anyway!!

I think I will see a solicitor on monday. It's just so awful it's come to this.

I thought he loved me and wanted to just be a family with us and the kids.

you can't tell him to leave it but I'm almost sure he can't kick you and your kids out either. He has to provide for them.

Tell him you accept he doesn't want a wedding and to get the hell out. Get down the benefits office and get some income sorted. He will have to pay maintenance and the state will support you and your kids until it is sorted out.

I think you can put some kind of order on the house that means he can't sell it without your knowledge. If he thinks not getting married gets him out of his responsibilities he is almost certainly wrong.

That's exactly what he's doing, he's trying to make me do it so he can say that it was me that cancelled it all - nothing to do with him. But if itwere me saying this I wouldn't expect him to do it, I think it's a bit much to expect really!

Thank you for all your advice I have to go to bed now as I'll have to be up with the dc's very early but I'll come back on tomorrow, xx

I'm really biased so bear this in mind when I tell you that they tell you what they want you to hear to reel you in. At least you know now. In another 10 years, 4 children later, no skills etc it would be alot harder.

Cancel the most expensive wedding thing, get a refund and clean the account out bit by bit. Wait for him to get paid and clean it out all at once, then make a mortgage payment straight to the mortgage company. Don't tell him you've cancelled anything. See a solicitor as soon as you can. Do call someone for some support, your family and friends all care about you and they would not be happy when they find out you're going through this all alone.

So sorry for your situation.

The good news is that if you have contributed to anything in the house you have a legal stake in that house. I am in a situation with my exH's family with our ex matrimonial home which is very complicated but neither me nor my exH were owners of the house. A judge has ruled that as I paid for things in that house, I can take the family to court for my share.

This is nothing to do with the fact that we were married , but soley due to my financial input.

The ruling is quite amusing to me as it happens, as they thought they were protecting their assets from a gold-digging imposter (me), whilst forcing me to pay for everything they were too mean to pay for...and it has backfired on them spectacularly.

HTH xxx

I think proper legal advice needs to be sought first and foremost. The property rights regarding married couples is far different in law from those where the couple never married.

Is he freaked out about the wedding or being married?

If he stopped being a knob and agreed that he wanted the relationship to continue and was willing to go ahead with the wedding, would you be able to put this behind you and be happy to be married to him?

Does he realise that not getting married is a dealbreaker within the relationship?

If you sat down and said, ok, you've said you want to end the relationship - let's talk about the best way to do this - what would he say?

No, don't put any effort into 'rebuilding' the relationship as it will be a waste of time. THis man doesn't want to be your partner any more but is being very passive-aggressive rather than doing the decent thing and trying to make the split clean and amicable. See a solicitor.