Wedding is 4 months away - he says he wants to cancel it

[Icantbelieveit]

I've been with him for over 10 years and we have 3 children together. We finally decided to get married earlier this year (around january time) and it's all booked. Yesterday he said he doesn't want to marry me and that I should cancel it - to which I replied that if he doesn't want to get married he should bloody well have the guts to cancel it himself and not expect me to do it!

Basically I've told him he has two options to either cancel it or stand me up on the day because I am not cancelling it - we've paid out alot of money already, my family and friends have paid a lot of money to come to the wedding and I will not be the one to do it.

He has been creating arguments lately, I think, in the hope that it will kick off an almighty row that will give him the easy out he is looking for.
His reason when I asked him what the .... he was playing at, was to tell me that he can't stand me, I'm a horrible person ect. But in the middle of this rant about how awful I am he said he feels so trapped. So I think as it gets nearer he's feeling very trapped and as if it's the end of his life.

But what am i supposed to do, he won't talk to me at all. He won't talk about it at all either.
I simply cannot cancel it, what on earth would I tell my kids - they are so excited about the whole thing.

Also I asked him what exactly he thought would happen after he cancelled the wedding (assuming he's actually going to do it), adn I think he expects us to carry on living in the same house together!
Just don't know what to do or think. I know you'll tell me to talk to him, but what do you do if someone refuses to do that.

He's just got in after being out all day (I've been with the dc's) and he's gone straight upstairs adn not said one word to me.

There are 2 issues here:

1. Whether he wants to marry you, and you him: no to both, would be the straightforward answer, it would seem;

2. Your financial position.

Undoubtedly, your financial position would be clearer and stronger if you were married. There is, then, a strong incentive for you to compel him to marry you, then divorce him (as clearly you don't love him, and he doesn't love you, if the situation you describe is as stark as it sounds).

However, since he already doesn't want to marry you, it is unlikely that he will turn up on the day, if you get the far.

Sounds to me like marriage is just not going to happen.

That deals with point 1).

Point 2), then. Without letting him know, you need to find out from a reliable source how you can improve your financial situation, and lay claim to family assets (as you were clearly a family for the last 10 years, married or not), without being married. As Fluffybunny says, this may mean paying a mortgage installment; digging out receipts or invoices, or other documents which demonstrate you paid for things. Call your bank and get them to send you all your bank statements for the past 10 years. This will cost £10, I believe, and if you go through them, you may be able to identify items which show you contributed towards the family finances.

Apologies. I meant to say that I am sorry you are in such a position. He sounds like a pretty nasty piece of work not to have already put your name on the house, or made you financially secure in other ways.

Wasn't suggesting the op work at the relationship, SG, was just wondering where his head was at, and how they'd got to this point. Agree that it's time to move on.

OP have a look at this page regarding your own and your children's rights.

Then go to see a solicitor.

If he has always said to you that the house was as much yours as his, then this may have created a "trust" for you in the property i.e. that the law will see it as fair to grant you a share. Also the contributions you made should be recognised.

I understand you are heartbroken now, and my heart goes out to you.

Even if you stay with him without getting married, getting some advice on this will do wonders for your sense of security.

Actually, this page is the one relating to property.

Thank you so much for your advice, it's not much better today we've not spoken a word to each other. He's been in the garage all day.

I'm not sure but I think it's the whole marriage wedding thing tbh rather than the relationship. But we talked a lot about all of this and the things he said did not give me any concern that he was being forced into it, or it wasn't what he wanted. I had no reason to think that this would happen.

I will have to get legal advice about where I stand and what I need to do to protect myself.

It's not necessarily that being married is the deal breaker for the relationship, but there is no way on earth I could be with someone that would do this to me, and in this way.
I wouudln't be on here posting about it if he had sat down and talked to me properly rather than doing this.

I agree that he is some sort of coward. I agree that you should let HIM cancel the wedding himself but make it clear to him that you have lost respect for him as a man and that you also don't think that it is worth marrying some one who behaves as he does. You must disabuse him of the idea that he is doing you a favour. I understand that you may not yet have the resources to make a break but start putting yourself in a better position/planning for when that time comes. If you continue to live with him then it would be best if he didn't enjoy the privileges of marries life; idelaly you should be in separate rooms. Most of all ensure that your confidence and self esteem are in tact. Don't let this get you down as difficult as it is. And ensure that you do things to cheer you and kids up. And keep in touch with family and friends.

Hope that things work out for you.

Put the music on and dance with the children

Why is MN always so keen to break up a relationship!?

It's half-term: take the kids away for a few days and see if he misses you. That may make him think a bit more positively about the relationship (along the lines of you never know what you've got til it's gone)

what ever you day keep a cool head. And act calm and confidently. I don't think you need to be rash. He thinks he is doing you a favour and you need to change how he sees you whatever happens in the future. I would not want any bloke thinking that he is doing my daughter a favour by marriage. How degrading and ensure that you don't give him that impression.

should be " what ever you day do..... "