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Original poster

Old friend wants to be 'involved' with me and my children. I am cacking it.

64 replies

NationalFlight · 23/05/2009 21:08

That's not how it should be, is it?

I've known this guy for 20 years. He's lovely and he's single and he's never had kids or been married.

He always says how much I mean to him, and I find him great too but it's not in that 'can't live without you' kind of way. More of a 'I probably could live with you' iygwim.

However - he loves my children, is brill with them, very kind, very nice - tall, handsome, you know. I like him, a lot, but after a visit last month and a few longish phone calls, he's texted me tonight saying he wants us to do it properly, share child care, 'get me off benefits' and so on.

I'm actually terrified. I'd got used to things as they are, yes I'm on benefits but I am happy and my children are happy.

I love the idea of him living nearby and being more involved with them, but jumping into the breach with this bloke when we've never lived together is looking stupidly rash.

He's suggesting it in 6-8 months. I also would love another baby and I believe that could be on the cards, if I agreed - but it's just so frightening.

I've been in love and this is not it. I know that. But shoudl I give him a chance. My kids would do well to have someone else they could rely on, a father figure etc.

Please calm me down and tell me what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
NationalFlight · 23/05/2009 21:09

I have to put birthday boy to bed in a mo so might post and run...sorry in advance, I'll be back early tmrw xx

OP posts:
Original poster
NationalFlight · 23/05/2009 21:10

Oh and he lives miles away atm, his family live here, but he's working elsewhere at the mo. He said he wants to come back.

OP posts:
spicemonster · 23/05/2009 21:12

Ummm ... it's quite simple, no? You like him obviously but he doesn't make you go jelly at the knees? No no no! Why would you even consider it? Don't sacrifice yourself on the alter of two parent heaven - you'll end up being unfaithful or miserable or both.

Your children want/need you. A dad figure is a bonus but that is all.

Sorry if I am being a little blunt but second best is nowhere at all.

lynniep · 23/05/2009 21:13

Well, from what you've written, I'd say no, you can't base a relationship on him being a nice chap. Really. Can you? You dont love him - is it fair to be considering having a baby with him? What about you when you meet someone and actually fall for them - what then? If you dont love the person they're with - what chance have they got - and what upheaval for your kids?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 23/05/2009 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ilovetochat · 23/05/2009 21:14

what would happen when you or he do meet the one you cant live without? you split up and ruin this family of convenience or you stay and be miserable. he will always be second best, he is your friend, keep him as that.

thisisyesterday · 23/05/2009 21:15

ooh NF, tough one.

the question i would ask is are you both looking for the same thing?
i mean, if you don't love him are you sure you could have a long-term relationship (inc the sex side of it) and a baby together?

and do you think he is more in love with you than you are with him?

i do think that you can start to resent another person quite easily in that kind of situation...

lynniep · 23/05/2009 21:15

I meant that to say 'if you dont love the person you're with (and never have for that matter) - what chance have they got? Not fair on him is it.

Yurtgirl · 23/05/2009 21:16

Gee well Im kind of jealous that you have a lovely friend, who has asked you such a lovely question...............

But if you dont love him and you have never even kissed him etc..............

I would leave it at friends tbh to save future heartache - I would worry about giving it a go (knowing that I wasnt sure) and then falling out in a few months time and ending up without a friend

Original poster
NationalFlight · 23/05/2009 21:16

Really? I have heard all these romantic stories about people who kind of 'settled', iygwim, and got used to each other and stayed together and were very happy.

I feel like i'll never meet someone I love like ds's father - it's been 5 years now - I'm getting older and uglier and fatter and clock is ticking as well.

The boys love having a bloke around, I know he'd be kind to us all, he always is - I like his mum, he is nice to his mum (always a good sign in my book!) and he's the first tall man I've really ever hooked up with. (Oh apart from a 6ft8 disaster, for 2 weeks)
I had to stand on a box.

OP posts:
Original poster
NationalFlight · 23/05/2009 21:17

Oops x posts! That was to Spicemonster!

will read all.

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Original poster
NationalFlight · 23/05/2009 21:17

and that shoudl be 'loved like ds' father - i don't any more!!

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nickytwotimes · 23/05/2009 21:18

I'm with Reality.
Lack of fireworks is no bad thing.
He's decent bloke, you are fond of each other. SOmetimes the sparks come as you get closer. See how it goes. DOn't jump in right now, but don't write it off either.
There's a lot to be said for a good bloke.

dittany · 23/05/2009 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Claire2009 · 23/05/2009 21:20

GO for it, what have you got to lose?

Start off slowly/dating/getting to know each other more on an intimate level before anything else (moving in etc)

Best of Luck!

Original poster
NationalFlight · 23/05/2009 21:20

Some really sensible replies, thankyou all...

we have kissed, never slept together. he's lovely, and I have feeling of loving him, just not being 'in love' like I usually actually get with the less nice blokes.

That's why I wondered. I feel pretty safe with him, but not, well, extremely excited. Maybe it would be unfair.

I could keep him as a friend but I think to move back here he'd want more than that tbh.

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Hassled · 23/05/2009 21:21

I think that you should tread very very carefully and not rush anything, but that it has potential. Go on a few dates, have some fun together, and just see.

DH and I sort of grew into each other - we were colleagues, I was on my own with 2 DCs. 14 years later we have 2 more DCs and are very happy - but it was far from instant, heart-churning love at first. There was no immediate passion - that came much later.

snigger · 23/05/2009 21:22

This could have worked in 1912, but you have other options now.

If you care for him now, don't jeopardise that affection by pushing for something artificial with trimmings - you're cheating him, and yourself, and I'm sure both of you deserve better than this proposed faux-relationship.

dittany · 23/05/2009 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heated · 23/05/2009 21:23

Can I ask why he has such an unchequered romantic history? Or has he had a series of long-term relationships? Is there a bit of knight-in-shining-armour syndrome going on with him, wanting to get you off benefits? It seems a bit odd imo that he's proposing this but you're not even together as a couple.

nickytwotimes · 23/05/2009 21:23

See, the "not being in love...like with less nice blokes" suggests to me that you have a thang for rotters, therefore you aren't getting the buzz with this dependable fella?

Original poster
NationalFlight · 23/05/2009 21:24

Dittany - I wondered about that too. No, he's not overbearing. But he is strange. He always brings presents, leaves cake in the fridge, sends the boys stuff in the post.

He used to offer me a massage every time he came round - never demanding anything in return (and never getting!!) in fact I started to refuse just by feeling awkward. He has a thing about being useful to people, which I've told him means low self esteem - but he had some therapy a coupld of years back and it changed him. He opens up much more now, he never used to (too shy)

I believe he never married as his parents divorced when he was small and he's been quite damaged by that. But since he had CBT he seems much more normal and Ok.

I don't know. I wonder about it. Maybe we just both cling to each other as a security blanket when we feel we'll never meet anyone else. i think that's what appeals about him - the safety net aspect. Among other things of course.

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ravenAK · 23/05/2009 21:27

I think you need to be (relatively...) honest - you like him a lot, you don't want to be rushed, you'd like to see more of him & take it from there.

I'd be a bit at the 'getting you off benefits' thing though. It does suggest he's mentally playing 'knight on white charger rescues helpless damsel' - which isn't terribly sustainable...

Original poster
NationalFlight · 23/05/2009 21:28

Hassled, that's nice - what I was thinking of was just that kind of story.

Heated he has lived with one girl for several years. They lived abroad together as well. Theyre still vg friends and he said 'she thinks it's a great idea!!' - i think he relies heavily on his female friends for approval and sense of usefulness. He behaves like this to a few of us. That's partly what put me off - I didn't want to be one of his muses (he paints) but something more special than that.

I never dated him in the early days as he was tooo fucked up still back then. He's grown up a lot since. I always liked him though, found him interesting, he's a bit odd, in a nice way.

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nickytwotimes · 23/05/2009 21:30

Hang on - he bahaves like this to other women too?

That doesn't sound good.