Old friend wants to be 'involved' with me and my children. I am cacking it.

[NationalFlight]

That's not how it should be, is it?

I've known this guy for 20 years. He's lovely and he's single and he's never had kids or been married.

He always says how much I mean to him, and I find him great too but it's not in that 'can't live without you' kind of way. More of a 'I probably could live with you' iygwim.

However - he loves my children, is brill with them, very kind, very nice - tall, handsome, you know. I like him, a lot, but after a visit last month and a few longish phone calls, he's texted me tonight saying he wants us to do it properly, share child care, 'get me off benefits' and so on.

I'm actually terrified. I'd got used to things as they are, yes I'm on benefits but I am happy and my children are happy.

I love the idea of him living nearby and being more involved with them, but jumping into the breach with this bloke when we've never lived together is looking stupidly rash.

He's suggesting it in 6-8 months. I also would love another baby and I believe that could be on the cards, if I agreed - but it's just so frightening.

I've been in love and this is not it. I know that. But shoudl I give him a chance. My kids would do well to have someone else they could rely on, a father figure etc.

Please calm me down and tell me what to do.

oh sorry I wasn't critising your thread in anyway!

Hmm I see what you're saying Kew. You put it in a very funny way too

I could happily shag him but it wouldn't be a burning desire, no. Not compelling as such. I've known that and I despair of having such desire again...it just doesn't seem possible.

Also a good friend and reliable, kind person preferable for me to a hot bloke with no dignity or morals. It's finding both together isnt it.

No not taken that way noonks tis fine

I would take it slow and see where it leads. I had a friend whom I dated 25 years ago. We split up when I went to uni and he thought I was seeing someone else (I wasn't). He later apologised but I'd met someone else by then. Several boyfriends later we got together again but split up (he worked extremely hard but didn't like me doing the same). I got together with ds's father whom I'd known for 10 years. Ds came along, ds's father opted out, old friend couldn't bear to see me or ds (and has not seen either of us since ds was born 5 years ago). Don't know the reason but strongly suspect that he wishes ds was his and a big part of me wishes he was too.

I was mad about him when I was younger and then comfortable when we dated in more recent years. He was/is caring and generous and loving and would have made a fab father.

Don't throw away what could be a wonderful opportunity but equally don't rush into it either.

flight, i'm sure you've posted about this bloke before, maybe a year ago? iirc, he was odd, a bit older, very keen on you, but you not on him?

i'm glad he's sorted his head out a bit, but i think it would be a mistake for him to move in with you. if you're both serious, he should move closer but i would definitely take this very slowly. if it doesn't work, you both need to be able to get on with your lives with minimal disruption to the kids.

success story: my mum married my dad, after her first dh (love of her life) died. she thought she'd never find another soul mate so settled for my dad. they were so close and were married for 33 years when he died. she really grew to love him and had a fantastic marriage.

actually, his need to 'rescue' you worry me. you don't need rescuing - you sound like you're perfectly fine. what happens when he realizes you don't need him as much as he needs you to?

harumph - worries me

NF- This is interesting. Not sure whether you have a nice eclectic bloke or a needy one. Couldn't help thinking that if you progressed the physical side then it may help you work out whether there is a deeper bond between you.

No, of course you can't set up home with this man. You aren't in love. What kind of life would you have?

Being in love is a pre-requisite for any kind of joint life - it's just too hard to put up with the limitatations of living with another person unless you are in love...

DO you tend to go for the "alpha" types who like to command and control or the more laid back types who blend in? Do you need turbo charged bloke or the gentle laid back type to blend in?

It sounds to me like he is longing for a lifetime commitment relationship - the full works, wife, kids, probably cottage with roses around the door!

If he is trying to get close to several women in the same way, is he hedging his bets that one of them will take up the post?

You have mentioned that he has had counselling in the past, and has issues with his parents divorce. How will he cope if the perfect scenario he appears to have in his head doesn't match up with the real life he would have with you (or anyone else)?

Daisybaby- i think you make a good point about him possibly hedging. Natural for someone to do so.

what a load of negative comments. Here's a nice but shy man who wants to look after and take care of you. In exchange he gets a ready made family to, hopefully, care for him and a sex life. Lots of people married for those reasons in the past and most of them stayed together. Now you're expected to adore them madly and divorce is almost becoming the norm! Bit of an expectation problem?

Obviously you can't think about babies with this man until you've had sex with him and find out if you're compatible. But if you see more of him and have sex with him you might find you could have a loving relationship, even if the heights of passion aren't there. Take it slowly and see how it goes.

As for all this "get you off benefits" stuff - here is a man who maybe lacks confidence still and is trying to think of something he can offer to make himself seem more appealing. I'd be more concerned about his need to paint all night.

One of my male friends was rather like this. He married someone who I suspect didn't love him passionately. They were married many years, had two children and his wife was really upset when he died young. You may not be "in love" with him but that doesn't mean you wouldn't grow to love him from sharing a life with him.

knight in shining armour or cocklodger? On the one hand he's saying "I'll get you off benefits" but on the other hand he's saying "I want you to support us to give me time to paint in exchange for doing childcare".